Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and Father O'Malley nearly fell down when he saw the man. Murphy'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya finally decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with yee Father. Awhile back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I knew that  McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

Father O said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head from side to side: "No, Father. It was after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

O'Reilly's Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the local pub for 'Best Toast of the Year'

The beaming John went home that night and told his beloved wife Mary Kate, who asked "Aye, did ye now? Well, what was your toast?"

John said to her "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!"

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John" said a beaming Mary Kate.

The very next day, Mary Kate ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street. The man chuckled and leered at her saying "You know, John won the big prize at the pub the other night with a toast about you, Mary Kate?"

She replied, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised too. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

Sister Marie and the Drink

Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie.

"Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"

"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"

"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."

"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.

"I'll have a large gin" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"

The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"

Long Live the Irish

Paddy, Sean and Seamus McGillicuddy were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road taking them past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", Paddy says. "It's Michael McNally's grave, God rest his soul. Says he lived to the ripe old age of 87!"

"That's nothin'!" shouted Sean. "Over here lies Patrick O'Toole. He made it to the age of 95 when he finally died!"

Suddenly Seamus yelled out "Good God, brothers! Over here I found someone, it says they got to be 145 years old!"

"What's that Irishman's name?" slurred the drunken Paddy.

Seamus stumbled, lit a match to better read what was on the old stone marker, and exclaimed: "It's Miles, from Dublin!"

The Golden Telephone

On holiday in Europe, Bert noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it.  

As a young priest passed by, Bert asked who the  telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and  if he'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars.

Bert was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Europe, Bert kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble  column. At each, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: a  direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars.

After Bert finished his tour in Ireland, he decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating:

DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN - 25 CENTS!

 'Father,' he said, "I have been all over Europe and in all the great cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"

The priest smiled and said, "Son, you're in Ireland, it's a local call!"