Interview

What exactly is a Love Shack?

Well Sarah, I've got one at the top of my garden, but I've not actually had a chance to test it's functionality. Meanwhile I keep my tools and garden chairs in it for protection over winter, although there will always be a residual amount of rust on any unprotected ironwork at the end of the season.

Describe the B-52's.

Are you referring to USAF bomber planes or that weird 80's rock group?

Do you get sick of playing "Rock Lobster"?

Oh - so you mean the group... (the women in it have 'bee-hive hair do's' and they do jerky hand-jive dances.) Yes - I got sick of 'Rock Lobster' years ago, but strangely enough I have kept the vinyl record itself. I might sell it on ebay one day - could be a collectors item.

Do you have more in common with John Waters' worldview or David Lynch's?

I know they are both film producers but I'm not that au fait with their work so I'll say something witty - how about this? "As they are both film producers they will share the same view of the world - through a camera lens! I however view the world through 'Google Earth". Yeah - put that Sarah.

Does rock music take itself too seriously?

Well - 'U2' and 'Radiohead' do but then 'Mud' and 'Sweet' don't so it's a bit of a difficult one there Sarah.

Why did you shave off your moustache?

Who told you about that? I didn't think anyone knew. I had a couple of weeks off to work in the garden and decided to grow a 'Tommy Hamilton' to see what it looked like. Unfortunately I kept getting muesli gummed up in it so I shaved it off. Anyway - who wants to see a ginger Hitler? Apart from a ginger 'Eva Braun'.

Would you have bombed Vietnam?

Bloody hell - that's a bit of a jump from 'why did you shave off your moustache' isn't it? errr - No...

Who do you feel closest to, Dan Quayle or General Noriega?

This is getting a bit heavy Sarah. can we move on?

Is there life on Mars?

That's more like it! - No there isn't. Not now... I think there probably was but the planet all dried up and it died. I know there's a dead Beagle up there - ha!

Why the sudden success in America?

Can you ask the question in a different way please Sarah.

Why do you have such huge appeal in Australia?

Oh! That America.... because I'm from 'the old country' and I'm cute.

Would you support The Stone Roses?

I wouldn't go and watch them but if they asked nicely I would sign a petition for them if they were being phased out. Strangely enough I have a stone rose-support in my garden.

How would you like to be remembered?

I'd be happy just being remembered - it doesn't matter how...

Are you still inspired by '50s sci-fi kitsch?

Sarah - I am '50s sci-fi kitsch... by the way, it's pronounced 'kich', not quiche. Quiche is an egg and cheese flan.

Sorry - how do you say it again?

'kich'

Gosh - I feel so stupid and embarrassed...

Hey - come on now - it's OK - no problem - hey! - now stop that - here - have a tissue and dry your eyes.

Thanks and take your hand off my knee...

Sorry Sarah - next question?.

What's your favourite comic?

'Viz' was - but I moved on - next question...

What's your favourite long range bomber?

Bloody hell - what kind of a question is that Sarah? I only put my hand on your knee to comfort you...

What's the best thing about being a B-52?

Oh no! you're not a lesbian are you?...

Who are the ugliest people in rock 'n 'roll?

Now you may be saying that in jest Sarah, and I appreciate the need for a little light-hearted humor here, but I'm not sure you understand how hurtful that could be for us mere mortals...

Why? I'm sorr... what do you mean?

Well it's obvious that you're one of the most attractive presenters on TV.

Gosh... (blushes)

So you've never probably had negative remarks about your beauty... You've got to admit it - you are rather hot...

Why - thanks!...

Well it's true - you're gorgeous...

(Sarah : silence)

OK - err - moving on... Iggy Pop, Bill Wyman, Tom out of Radiohead, Cliff, need any more?

Drugs: The Facts.

Sarah - could I possibly ask you to phrase the questions a little more logically - are you asking if I take drugs or do you want information so you can start using them yourself? Ha! only joking - no - the only drug I use is beer.

Do 'New Kids On The Block' have any redeeming qualities?

They keep the flies off my melon.

The Jim Morrison film?

What kind of question is that? You're still mad about the knee aren't you? I was only trying to...

What planet do you live on at the moment?

Earth, but I'd like to live on Uranus.

Is Rock dead?

Igneous rock certainly is, sedimentary may still have particles of life in it and I can't remember the other one's name. Some rock may be alive hence the saying 'like dragging blood out of a stone'.

Metamorphic - that's it. Yeah. That one's dead.

British Music?

I've really annoyed you haven't I.... can we start again - as friends?

Do you eat puffins?

Good one! I knew you'd ask that... I eat fish - does that count? I was taught from a very early age never to eat anything with a stripy beak.

Where did you go last night?

Knowing the interview was coming up I stayed in drinking beer and watched a collage of videos I've made of you, from 'Midlands Today'. I slowed them down and turned off the sound and lights and sat and watched you talking. I watched your mouth slowly working and tried to guess what you were saying. I imagined you talking to me. You've got a lovely smile...

What was the last thing you thought of before you went to sleep?

'bastard - I've only got six hours....'

What did you dream?

That my black cat Max was a lion - a big black lion sitting on the front lawn guarding my house. You never even cropped up...

What will you do today?

Sarah - it's 9:30pm - there's not much left of 'today' - wouldn't it have been better to ask 'What did you do today'?

OK - What did you do today?

Woke mid afternoon, had some muesli and a wash. Caught the bus to the interview. Yay! here I am!!!

What is your greatest fear?

Oh no! I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that one... it's a fear of being trapped in a shaft or small tunnel where my arms are pressed against the side and I can't move. I feel queasy - can we do the next question?

What is your greatest pleasure?

I'm not sure - maybe you could help me out with that one Sarah! ha! ha! OK - OK - it's beer... No! hang on - the seaside! yes - I love the sea - put that...

Who are your favourite singers/musicians?

Oh! now there's a question - I dunno really - off the cuff I could name a couple - let's see : Delia Derbyshire , The Beatles , Japan , King Crimson, Level 42 , Magazine , Pete Frampton , Talking Heads , Tears For Fears, Television , The Christians, The Doors, The Fixx , Gary Moore (the early stuff with Skid Row), Kate Bush, The Passions , The Rezillos , The Shadows , Nick Drake, The Smiths, The Stranglers, The Ventures , The Yardbirds , Thomas Dolby , U2, Ultravox (early years) . etc...

If you could be someone else (alive or dead) who would you be?

I certainly wouldn't want to be someone else dead... I wouldn't mind being you for a few hours - especially in front of the bathroom mirror if you get my drift. But on a serious note I'd pick Cher.

Who would you most like to kill if you could?

My beliefs wouldn't allow me to actually kill anybody. I could however have them locked up and the key thrown away until they rot to death in their own putrid excrement... ask me that one...

Who would you most like to lock up and throw away the key until they rot to death in their own putrid excrement if you could?

Noel Edmonds.

What annoys you the most?

Injustice. Yes - Injustice and people who clack their teeth whilst eating.

What do you consider your greatest strength?

Low expectations... that way I'm never disappointed. It's an acquired strength. I've gradually realised that the only person you can rely on is yourself. Anything else is a bonus. That way life is always full of good things.

What do you consider your greatest weakness?

Gadgets.

What is your favourite record?

'The-Most-Topless-Cheerleaders-In-a-Phone-Booth-Full-of-Foam'.

What was the last act you saw live?

A woman doing a man behind a bench on the park. It was quite dark so I didn't see much but they were definitely doing it.

What do you always carry with you?

Some coins in case I come across a needy waif.

What would you find down the back of your sofa?

What - you mean stuff can go down there? so, if say a pound coin fell out of someone's pocket, it might be there? Hey! I lost a 'laser pointer' which the cat likes to play with - she doesn't actually pick it up and point it - you can't with paws - I tried. She likes to chase the "mysterious red blob of light" around the floor when I shine it for her. It was great when I had the new veneered floor put down - she was sliding all over the place. Anyway - it went missing. Maybe it's down the back of the sofa. Put 'laser pointer'.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

Look - I never asked for these teeth - I wasn't given a choice. Next question please. Sarah.

What was the best moment in your life?

was? let's say 'so far'! It was being at the birth of my children.

What was the worst moment in your life?

Err.. it was - err - this is difficult - err - no - I can't say...

What is your greatest regret?

Surely that's between a man and his conscience - or the judicial system.

What's your favourite article of clothing?

Your blouse. No - No! I mean it - it looks great on you... s-u-p-e-r-bah!

Who would you most like to meet?

Lois Griffin or Kate Bush.

What book are you reading at the moment?

The Bible - New Testament.

What do you never miss on TV?

'Family Guy' and 'Road Wars' and you of course in the mornings whilst I'm eating my muesli. I smile to you...

What did you last receive in the post?

A statement for my ISA.

What's your favourite word?

'skimpy'

What would you say to an alien?

Wouldn't it be better to use sign language? Can they understand English? Oh - I see - OK - I would say errr hang on let me think - yeah! I would say "Hello Alien - have you come far?". You know I think I need more time on this one - I wouldn't want to waste an opportunity like that...

What makes you laugh?

Well - you do Sarah - you're witty and intelligent and good company.

Why thank you (giggle) that's sweet...

...and farting - put down farting - F-A-R-T-I-N-G.

What's your favourite tipple?

Beer.

Now why doesn't that surprise me? How would you like to die?

Are you threatening me?

What would you like your epitaph to be?

"See you on the other side..."

Mr Concept - I'd like to thank you for being a wonderful guest on tonight's show. A big hand please for Mr Concept!

Is that it? Is that all the questions? aren't you going to ask me my favourite colour, favourite animal and stuff like that? I've been rehearsing all the answers...

No - I'm really happy with what we've got - you were really good!

Couldn't I quickly go through them?

Well normally we wouldn't... but look - if it means that much to you then OK.

Are we still rolling?

OK Mr Concept - fire away...

OK - it won't take a sec' :

yellow, horse/cat, curry, summer, Aries, Moon, seaside, white, bum, roundhead, underneath, flange, no, yes, scrumping, Tiswas, twice, right hand,'Vanish' and elbow grease, medium. s-u-p-e-r-bah.

That's it.

Are you laughing Sarah?

sorry...

Is that what I am to you - a joke?

No! not at all - in fact - I think you're quite cute

Really?

Yes - honestly - I really enjoyed tonight.

I'm sorry about the knee...

That's OK - I quite liked it actually...

Fancy a beer?

Yeah sod it - come on... my shout.

Mind if my boyfriend comes as well?

...aw bollocks.