Creative Writing
Jake, Cole, Emily, Summer
One day Caps, the fetid troll, was driving on the road(With only one hand on the wheel) and threw a are empty snappy tom can out of his car. His landlord saw his egregious act of wrong-doing and evicted him from his home near a morass. The landlord angrily gave caps a harangue about his unhealthy littering habbits. Sadly driving around Fort Bragg. Caps could only find a home located in the nearby McDonalds: it was a trashcan. He
Baraq “The Beefy"
By Nick and Quinn
The nadir of Jeff’s boxing career occurred on the day he was forced to face Baraq “The Beefy.” Jeff was an avid boxer who attacked his targets with alacrity until they surrendered. When outside of the ring Jeff was renowned for his ability to smoke inhumanly large amounts of weed and didn’t really do anything. Jeff also had amazing hair which gave him everyones approbation. One day the hulking and hairless Baraq “The Beefy” grew jealous of Jeff’s stylish hair, and challenged him to a duel over it. The rules of boxing for a contestants hair are simple: the hair wanting challenger must beat the hair carrier to death and shave him while the hair carrier may defend himself by beating the challenger to death.
As the fight began, Baraq buffeted Jeff’s chest, sending him flying across the ring. Jeff was stunned as Baraq pummelled him in the chest, breaking all of his ribs. Jeff retaliated by charging at Baraq in a flurry of fists, but Baraq decried his efforts and slapped him open handed in the face, removing all but 2 of Jeff’s teeth. He then broke Jeff’s arms and legs, preventing any further resistance or escape. Right before Baraq delivered the finishing blow, a referee paused the fight, and announced that a rule change had occurred. Now firearms were usable weapons in hair boxing. Jeff immediately pulled out his .500 S&W Magnum (largest gun in the world) and ignoring the pain in his arms, reduced Baraq’s head to a disgusting mass of teeth, bone, and brain matter. Jeff then made a full recovery and set up a business selling coats made of his hair. These high quality sweaters made him a billionaire.
Psycho PCP Mom
By Calum and Zen
There once was a duck. This duck smoked DMT and didn’t give a truck. The amount of DMT smoked by this addict gave such alacrity that he could see into the future. This enabled him to see quite a quagmire before it occurred. After seeing the future he decided to prepare himself for the worst. First he created a boon for the mother who happens to be a psychiatric ward escape convict. This boon was actually a weapon. Inside the box was razor blades covered in pink lemonade and he covered these with pink lemonade because the mother did enough LSD to become a compulsive pink lemonade drinker. Three months earlier the court room G4-20 1999 Judge Judy says “I find the mother guilty of attempted murder on her husbands son Zenith Ocean Mcean. I sentence you to 20 years of solitary confinement” mom says “NOO I swear it was the bath salts it was the gat damn BATH SALTS!!”. 3 months later the mother has been in confinement for just enough time to make a lockpick out of a sharpened toothbrush. After exiting the cell she runs to the mess hall where she stashed the PCP she hid in her anus as soon as she relocates it she ingests it thoroughly and runs to the front office where she strangles Tom the security guard. She then takes his glock and puts it in the other guards chest who 5 seconds prior was to that was tazing the mom. The mom then runs outside, gets in her 87 V.W. Bug and drives the the pharmacy. There she stole a syringe and filled it with bleach. She then raced to the airport where her husband and child were about to fly to ‘Nam. The flight left in 5 minutes and she was 6 minutes away when going the speed limit, but she made it with 45 seconds to spare. After entering the plane she found her husband and child and reached for the syringe but before she was able to stab the child Denzel Washington threw a cobra at the mom and said there is a use for these mother trucking snakes on this mother trucking plane after all. The dad then hugs the son accidentally sets him on the syringe and he dies.
EDITOR'S (Tibor's) NOTES: apparently the duck is the dad and he sent the razor blades covered in pink lemonade so that the mom would eat them because she was addicted. The “quagmire” he saw was that she would escape and try to kill the kid, thats why he tried to kill her.
The Life of Jameson Clarkson
By Brook and Carson
Jameson Clarkson sat beside his garbage bag full of pornography and shopping cart full of Top Ramen, while browsing Omegle luring young women as a persona of a 16 year old boy. Jameson longed for a new companion since his wife Delores was accidentally compacted at the local dump along with a pile of trash. The garbage company re-payed him with a pre-owned 2008 Double Quantum Laptop. He found the internet and its webcam much more enjoyable than his useless wife. Jameson started working at a nearby lumber company. His boss was a Janus faced, Gordian Knot creating, Gorgan from Hades with an Achilles Heel of tantalizing his workers. Jameson worked long hours taking Meth to make his abilities better. But one day, he took copious amounts and went on a massacre steamrolling 12 other workers and shoved a mans head in the wood chipper. Jameson was temporally suspended for 3 days for his horrendous actions. Upon his return, he saw a depleted amount of workers, and the ones left feared him like Zeus. So when he approached them, the workers were wary. It was like David and Goliath but David will be crushed. Jameson's grimy Nate Dreadlocks was caught in the wood chipper. He was sucked in as he yelled his last words, "fuuuu-". No one knows what he was trying to say, but maybe it would explain everything. The police found and seized the laptop and had a giant cream party in the bathroom. Because the police love the inside of donuts.
Once upon a time in a asylum, an old bear was sharing his sagacity when the game warden came by and the old man was censured for his foolishness and was put in the back room to be disdained. He was chained to the wall with his food and water to far away to reach. Dr. Hercutousis came in and said in Australian accent, "looks like your in an itsy bitsey tiny weeny bit of a mess". The poor bear smelled the rotten and his stomach started to growl. Dr. Hercutousis then picks the lock with his tweezers and frees the bear.
As the bear is running out, the game warden spies Dr. Hercutousis with his tweezers and to punish him for assisting the bear in his escape. Then, Dr. Hercutousis is chained to the wall with his food and water just barley out of reach.
By Muriel, Victor and Misha
Dom N. ation
By Muriel and Ava
I was chasing the nerd, Gertrude, though the thick foliage of the town jungle. He abruptly stopped when we reached the used tire dealership. Gertrude picked up a metal kettle, and swung it at my head, then darted back into the jungle. I felt empathy for the nerd with frugal parents, so I decided to chase him tomorrow instead. I walked into the jungle in the opposite direction before long I was swept up in the beauty of the jungle surroundings and lost my way. I was scared and alone, until I heard the screeching of a pack of squirrels. I thought I might be able to confide in them, until I saw foam at their mouths, and the red red in their eyes. The impetuous pack of squirrels started to attack. I thought it was all over, then a muscular figure emerged from the brush. He lifted my limp body from the pile of squirrels.
"Hello, my name is Nolan", my savior said. I was in awe, he must have been a jock.
In my state of shock the only words I could manage were,"Those stupid buck tooth rat squirrels". He sneered at my dysphemism and then my weight lifting hero was gone.
The nerd and I eventually reconciled, after fighting for years. I finally found out which jock had saved me, his name was Dom N. ation.
Wilson the Basketball
By Sam and Roxy
My name is Wilson. Ever since I was a little lad people have always taken advantage of me. Every day I have to deal with being abused by brute-like jocks. I'm feeling wary as today is going to be the biggest game I have ever been in. I'm so excited to be knocked around by big sweaty men. I tremble with fear as the game begins, and I prepare to be tactfully charged at by the intimidating players. There is one player in particular that I am afraid of, La-Bomb-James. He is big and dopey and arid but fierce on the court. I see La-Bomb come at me with his enhancing compression sleeve, as he pushes and shoves people out of his way. Before I know it I am in the grasp of his smelly sweaty hands. The word is that his Achilles heel is his sensitive nose. As I am thrusted in the air before his slam dunk, La-Bombs foe suddenly jabs his finger up La-Bomb's nose. I am disoriented as I fall to the floor, and the point is lost from La-Bomb. The rude players are quick to censure and blame me for the loss. I personally don't care who wins. But I wish I could be... A poet.
So Apollo looks down no the world one day and thinks,"Hey!, I do so much for those ingrates down there and they do so little for me. Throughout their entire existence I've provided them with light, poetry and medicine and still I get nothing an all in return. They perceive this world as an asylum for them us as they please. Well those ungreatful bastards better be ready because my amicable ways are over!
Apollo then called up his buddy Thor asking for some assistance in his devious plan.
Meanwhile, down on Earth, Frappucino and Zimbabwe were enjoying a sunny day at the harbor. Because Zimbabwe the pelican was outcasted from his social group due to his abnormally large beak, he chose to spend most of his time with Frappucino the cat. Frappucino was respected amongst his own kind due to the grey shade of his almost black coat. During one of their many deep philosophical conversations about the nature of communism, the two friends were startled by the sun quickly vanishing from the sky. Waves began to crash into the harbor and the pine tree they were sitting under began to thrash and shake. "Ha"! screamed Apollo from his heavenly throne, "I've stripped the light from their world and finally they may begin to appreciate my hard work. At this point, down on Earth, Zimbabwe and Frappucino have sprung into action. "Here!" cried Zimbabwe, "climb in my mouth!" A group of pelicans passing by noticed this action and yelled "Hey there Zimbabwe, cat got your tounge?" Zimbabwe ignored his old friends and quickly took flight to a cave for safety.
Upon arriving, the two began to discuss what had brought on this disaster. "I once read about the god of light, poetry and medicine. His name is Apollo. Maybe he brought this all on. Frappucino replied quickly, "Who the hell is Apollo?"
By Melia and Lucy
Chester the Wrestler
By Carson, Paul, and Devon
Chester was intrigued after seeing Domenic's ambiguous presentation. He attempted school wrestling and found it arid so he was finished with school wrestling and the limits it had with the equipment. He found his asylum with naked wrestling. He practiced with his cat, Marvin until the cat was enervated. He enjoyed wrestling with his sister’s pussy. But his sister did not enjoy that and censured him for his malevolent actions. After his hard work and practice he became opulent by becoming a world wrestling champion. His stage name was Chester the Cat Molester. After 69 straight wins he retired and started a quiet farm and settled down, raising cats for the rest of his happy life. At the age of five, he went down in history as many great fighters do. His sister... will never be the same...
The Town Drunk
By Aliya and Shanti
You walk into a bar with parched lips, sit down and drink shots of bitter vodka until you're ready to start your day. You prudently stumble down the street and just as you're almost to your house, you fall into your neighbor's yard. Realizing you're only slightly drunk, you make the wise decision to take a nap then and there. While you sleep you have a vivid dream. You're in an ancient Roman colosseum and the victim in a huge bull fight. Then you realize your longevity is probably about to end. The bull begins to charge towards you, and you turn around and book it in the other direction. After only a few steps, you stumble and the bull sticks the horn where the sun don't shine! Suddenly you blindingly squint up, and hovering over your is an old man, poking your behind with a gardening tool "Get out of my yard, you fool!" says the man. You crawl for hours until you collapse on your porch, and decide that you wont procrastinate those AA meetings.
Inside the Mendocino High School gym, a congregation was gathered of freshman and sophomores to listen to Mr. Capozzolo’s fascinating speech on how bikes and music are alike. Outside, Caps' example unit waits for the end of the presentation: a sound system attached to a bike. As the lecture begins, people are quick to realize that it is going to be a very arid day because the presentation will take at least three hours.
An hour and a half later, Caps is explaining how a bike is like a sound system when he suddenly realizes the lack of attention from his students. He becomes exasperated because half of his audience is asleep and falling out of their chairs so he decides to bring in the musical bike system to try and wake everyone up. Suddenly, the system unexpectedly turns on and plays “Baby” by Justin Bieber. Everyone has quizzical expressions on their faces and while Caps is trying to take control of the sound system, a deep voice announces, "Presenting, Mr. Justin Beiber!” And then he bursts through the the doors, riding on a talking unicorn, singing, "Baby, Baby, oh!" Half the class jumps up jovially, while everyone else became querulous, including Caps.
By Autumn, Auriel, and Jessie
Joe the Camel was famous for his cigarette adds. After many years on the job, he decided that he didn’t want to smoke anymore, therefore, he quit his job. There weren't many jobs for camels so he had no choice but to join the petting zoo. After awhile at the zoo, Joe missed cigarettes really badly. The donkey he hung out with, had a hypothesis that Joe should suck on anything that resembles a cigarette, but not on cigarettes themselves. Joe thought this was a great idea and might increase his longevity. One fateful day a child wearing a yellow shirt and white pants came to the zoo. The kid came up to Joe. Joe couldn’t resist his urge for a cigarette. This kid looked so much like a cigarette it was ridiculous. The child was not wary of Joe and Joe made his move. Joe put the kids head into his mouth and started to puff. "Get me a light, donkey!”
By Kristin
The art of picking up hot chicks is something every young man wants to perfect, and after reading this you will fully understand the concept of picking up hot babes. First, pick a fast food restaurant. Burger King and McDonalds work well. Next, you must purchase army camo so you look official. Make sure the pants are casually tight and the shirt is two sizes too small. Then, grab a sheet as you leave your house to head to the location you have selected. When you arrive, glance at the menu a few times then inconspicuously place a chair about two feet behind you. Finally, after you casually order a hamburger, put it on the chair you have placed earlier. Then, you wait. When a hot babe grabs the burger to sit down and eat it, you throw a sheet over her and get her in your truck as soon as possible... that might take awhile.
By Evan
Jimmy and Grandpa Jameson
By Brannan and Sam
It was a sunny day in Aphrodisiac Park.
"What a fine day to play ball,” said Grandpa Jameson.
He had been watching his grandson Jimmy while his parents where in the "hospital" (dead). Jimmy had been in quite a funk for the past three months eagerly awaiting his parent's return.
"I don’t want to go,” said Jimmy.
"I don’t want to parent your sorry ass,” replied Grandpa Jameson, and with that they were off with Jimmy fussing all the way. When they got to the park the bright sun was so hot they decided to unzip their cargo pants resulting in severely sun-burnt calves.
Jimmy cried “Why can’t I go home and be with my mom?”
The intrepid Grandpa Jameson felt that the day was far from over so he slapped Jimmy upside the head just to toughen him up for further adventures.
“Go long,” yelled Grandpa Jameson. Jimmy slowly pulled himself up and started lumbering down the field. But instead of throwing the ball to Jimmy dear old Grandpa Jameson ran hurtling down the field throwing all his weight into poor Jimmy. As a result jimmy was smashed brutally into the ground.
“Ah, why grandpa, why?” Jimmy yelled out in pain.
“Someone's got to teach you to get back up,” said Grandpa Jameson. Unfortunately dear old grandpa had severed Jimmy's spine causing Jimmy to lose all feeling in his legs. Jimmy would never get up on his own ever again. Luckily, Jameson's prosperity gave Jimmy access to medical care (wheelchair) and an exemplary life.
Once Jimmy had returned home grandpa broke the news: “By the way, your parents died a year ago."
"Whhhyyyy!” cried Jimmy in despair.
Consequently, Jimmy became the world's foremost paraplegic football player thanks to the unyielding efforts of dear Grandpa Jameson.
It was a dull and arid day, due to the lack of crime, and Batman decided to glide from Gotham to the Detroit Airport. On his arrival, first of all, I believe, he spotted Robin's equipment bag on the wing of an airplane, or so it goes. Furthermore, Batman was so tired and florid from gliding that he paused for a while before fetching his side-kick's satchel, namely by sleeping on a bench for an hour. After his nap, he retrieved Robin’s belongings and, due to his sagacity, pulled out his cell phone, specifically, the Bat Mobile, to inform Robin that he was in possession of his vital equipment bag. Finally, Batman glided back to Gotham immediately to meet Robin; well, he may have stopped for a few doughnuts on the way, that bit is still fuzzy.
By Cecile and Carson