Resolving Perpetual Problems in Relationships

Resolving Perpetual Problems in Relationships


 

One of the most common reasons couples attend counselling is for conflict resolution. In many cases, these couples are stuck because despite many attempts at finding resolution some of their problems just don’t seem to go away.  They come in because they are fed up of the lack of change, stuck in a vicious cycle, and are now considering separating.  This is what couples therapy experts, John and Julie Gottman, call a perpetual problem.  By definition, a perpetual problem is one that is recurring and difficult to resolve.  Interestingly, the Gottmans’ research has found that 69% of problems that couples face are perpetual problems. This means that the majority of relationship conflicts are not actually resolvable.  Understandably, it is frustrating to have the same arguments over and over again, and surely there must be some remedy.

 

Perpetual problems are typically those related to fundamental differences between partners as a result of stable factors such as personality, past experiences, and familial relationships.  These factors are what make each of us unique.  These unique factors shape how we view the world and influence our perspectives. These factors are strongly rooted in who we are, and are therefore hard to change. Having different perspectives can lead to having different opinions about important matters.  Here is one example of a perpetual problem.

 

Perpetual Conflict: Every Sunday Jack and Jane would argue over how they were going to spend their day off.  Jack would get upset because Jane wouldn’t help him clean. Jane wanted nothing more than to have the day to herself for self-care.

 

Background: Jack comes from a family that values tidiness and bonding through shared experiences.  Him and his family would spend Sunday mornings cleaning the house and would bond over their shared responsibilities.  Jack and his siblings would compete over who finished their chores first and would then be rewarded with ice cream and a day at their favorite park.  The act of cleaning and bonding grew to become very important to him, therefore he expected to share the same experience with his partner, Jane.  Jane comes from a family that valued engagement in extracurricular activities.  They often hired cleaning services to take care of chores around the house so that there was more time for activities.  A typical Sunday for Jane and her family involved each member doing separate activities.  Jane would attend ballet classes in the morning and swimming lessons in the afternoon, while her mom played golf and her dad played hockey. 

 

If you have experienced something similar with your partner, you may understand the frustration of being stuck in a never-ending cycle of who is right and who is wrong.

 

In this example, it is clear that both Jack and Jane have strong convictions about their needs and neither of them is “wrong.” They were raised differently, and unfortunately, their needs and the values behind them happen to clash. How does one manage such a conflict?

 

 

Following these tips could be a good first step in resolving your perpetual problems.  If you notice that you’re having a hard time communicating or understanding each other’s perspectives, it may be worthwhile to consult with a couples counsellor.