Jokes
Here are various jokes. The first selection are puns. This means that they use words which have two meanings.
List of Puns
What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
What do you call two people in an ambulance? A pair of medics.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Easy Puns
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
How do you fit more pigs on your farm? Build a sty-scraper!
What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk? An udder failure.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
Why did the snake cross the road? To get to the other ssssssside!
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
What do you call a cow that won't give milk? A milk dud!
When is a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he's a dandelion (dandy lion)
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny!
What fish only swims at night? A starfish!
Why is a fish easy to weigh? Because it has its own scales!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? To show everyone he wasn't chicken!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken!
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes? Doyouthinkysaraus
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?A pie-thon!
List of Funny Puns
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass. - Douglas Adams.
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giants' fingers.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
When the detectives on the police force observed suspects dining in the city's best restaurant, it was their favorite steak out.
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." - Groucho Marx.
He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.
Male deer have buck teeth.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
A backward poet writes in-verse.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A gang of thieves stole a shipment of Viagra. Police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The fellows died their hair.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Have you ever heard of an honest cheetah?
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
Don't justify sin, just defy sin.
In the novel, there is an unexpected secret meeting of the lovers. It is a plot tryst.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Crick:: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.