How to Support the Parents of a Preemie

Information

Newborns are overwhelming. Premature babies are overwhelming. There's a lot of information out there and sometimes parents don't even know which questions to ask. Preemie parents may feel particularly unprepared.

• Do research and provide the parents with a readable digest with a list of resources (e.g. about their baby's health, breastfeeding, recovery from a C-section, childcare options).

  • Tell the parents about Graham's Foundation and their free NICU Care Packages (or just sign them up for one).

  • Find out how they can get discounted parking vouchers at their hospital. The costs add up.

  • Tell the parents about human milk banking (while supporting the pumping mom).

  • Encourage them to create or join a supportive community (but to avoid unmoderated forums like What to Expect). Check out Hand to Hold, Preemie Babies 101 and Graham's Foundation pages on Facebook.

  • Connect them with their state's Early Intervention program. Most preemies will qualify for totally free home-based services (e.g. physical therapy).

Gifts

Celebrate!

• greeting cards

• balloons and flowers

• baby clothes (note that for most babies under 5lbs even Size Preemie clothes are too big, not all babies can even yet wear clothes, and even when they do fit the babies will quickly outgrow them-- so get the clothes to them early or just go a size up with Size Newborn or a size down with doll clothes!)

• journals and scrapbooking supplies (see Emotional, below)

• food

• gift cards

• shower caddy filled with goodies (it keeps all necessities easily portable and close at hand while pumping or feeding a newborn)

• portable phone charger

• AC power converter for the car

• Snuza Hero (portable baby monitor-- HUGE peace of mind for parents of babies with apnea of prematurity... or those who are worried about SIDS.)

• Preemies (Book)

• gifts off their baby registry

• See also:

  • My baby shopping guide

  • My list of breastfeeding & pumping products

Logistics

Life with a preemie is BUSY and normal day-to-day things can become overwhelming or drop too low on the priority list. And don't forget that it is only after the preemie comes home from the hospital that the newborn period begins. Parents of preemies may need help for a long time.

• Babysit their older children.

• Bring food or have some delivered (ready to eat, easy and quick to prepare, or freezer-ready).

• Do the dishes or laundry, or take out the trash.

• ("If it's empty, fill it. If it's full, empty it.")

• Pet-sit or walk their dogs.

• Water their plants, mow their lawn. Bonus: plant tulips!

• Drive them home from the hospital.

• Drive them to see their baby at the hospital (the mom may still be healing and/or on painkillers and not able to drive herself).

• Give them gift cards to help offset expenses. There's a lot even the best medical insurance doesn't cover.

• Drive their supportive family members and friends to and from the airport.

• (Support their support!)

• Help prepare the baby's room.

Pumping

Pumping is around-the-clock hard work that massively cuts into sleep and any otherwise productive or down time. I was sometimes spending upwards of six hours a day just pumping milk!

• • Wash and sanitize pump parts and bottles. The pumping parts can be stored in the fridge if she doesn't want or can't wash them between each pumping session. Otherwise they can go in the dishwasher, which makes things easier. Medela makes microwaveable disposable bags, and there are reusable microwave sanitizers too. (Double-check first-- the tubing and valves probably can not go in the microwave or dishwasher.)

  • Buy extra pumping parts. She needs more than two sets of parts. Prepare a plastic bin or basket for each complete set of parts + bottles + nipples. Then she only needs to swap out a clean bin for her used bin while someone else cleans the parts and processes the milk.

  • Process her milk for her (pour it into storage bags, label, freeze/refrigerate, etc.) Make sure to use proper hygiene and protocol, preemies are sensitive.

  • Transport frozen milk for them to the NICU.

  • Direct them to my pumping support site and other sources of lactation support!

  • Buy her a hands-free pumping bra or tank top.

  • Buy or lend her a mini refrigerator or freezer for either her room or the baby's room.

  • Bake lactation cookies.

Emotional

Parents of preemies undergo a lot of emotional upheaval. It is an incredibly stressful and traumatic time. NICU parents even sometimes get PTSD, and either parent may develop post-partum depression / anxiety.

• • Celebrate their baby's birth! Congratulate them!

  • Call them. Ask how they're doing. Let them talk. Let them cry.

  • Ask how the baby is doing. Cheer for every milestone, no matter how small! (We were measuring our baby's weight gain in grams-- the weight of a paper clip-- don't dismiss anything.)

  • Remind them: "it's not your fault."

  • Encourage them to keep a journal or a scrapbook. It's a clinically proven way to treat PTSD! [1-3]

  • Sit with them. Offer to join them to the NICU (note that not all NICUs allow this and some parents may want privacy-- you might still offer to accompany them and wait in the waiting room).

  • Make it clear that you don't expect anything.

  • Send emails and text messages.

  • Offer to come stay with the family. Parents with Post-Partum Depression/Anxiety often cannot take care of their babies and/or themselves. It can feel overwhelming to be alone. Parents whose babies are on home quarantine might be feeling even more isolated and lonely than the typical newborn parent already is, and on top of that they might just need to get out of the house.

    • Do not be too aggressive in telling the new parent what to do (e.g. do not insist they go shower or nap or out for a walk) but do be assertive and confident in helping.

    • This is where it's most important to ask the parent(s) about their priorities.

    • Make sure you are entirely self-sufficient. Do not add more work for the new parent(s).

    • Even if you are experienced with babies you might still ask the parent(s) if there's a particular way they want things done. Do empower the new parent(s).

  • If all else fails: stay connected. Don't take it personally if the parents shift their focus during this difficult time. Don't disappear. Even a little gesture helps. Remember that you don't have to be everything to everyone.