Alexei

I was not at the barricades. Not because I was afraid. And not because I was sick...

Fact is, I don't know why I wasn't at the barricades. I am a healthy and more or less mentally sound person. I was fully aware that people, my fellow citizens living here with me in this, my town, were gathering on the square in front of Parliament House. At the same time as they were doing that, I was deciding to stay at home, in front of the TV and with the radio and phone nearby.

Incidentally I eventually unplugged the telephone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Now when I think about it, I suppose I just wasn't going to take any chances. What if someone rang and said: "Come on Alyosha, we're going down to the square!"

They didn't miss me at work, they never bother counting us whenever we have a big scare or a coup... My wife had gone to the village to visit her mother. I was home alone. Probably from fear. Or a pathological desire not to get involved in all sorts of political games all adding up to the same thing, musical armchairs on the yawning heights and innocent people suffering.

When everything turned out alright, and everyone began celebrating, I cheered up with the rest of them, and felt good for a while. But on the next day, Thursday, I began to feel ashamed and embarrassed at what I'd done. And with each passing hour this feeling of shame grew.

On Thursday night I started drinking. I drank for days, I don't know how many, and I drank from morning till night, stopping only to crawl out and stock up on vodka. But even when I was blind drunk and should have been far too pissed to think, the nagging thought wouldn't leave me of what an utter low-down piece of shit I was for not going down to the barricades.

Eventually, it must have been almost a week later, I stopped drinking. Several days after that, I had sobered up and began to live the semblance of a normal life again. But something has changed. You get asked the question: "Where were you during the coup?", fairly often these days. Too often. In the past you were only good enough if you could prove you had relatives abroad. Now you have to prove you were part of the opposition movement. But I'm beyond caring. Let my friends and family think what they like if they find out what I was doing those three days.

After all I'm the one who has to live with my torment and guilt, not them.

Alexei