A letter from another friend who struggled with doubt of salvation and gave me encouragement.
Hi. I don't know your name, but I have heard that you have been struggling. I have struggled with questioning if I was truly saved for a long time, as you will see in some of these journals. It seems that sometimes it has ended, although I may struggle again. I have been learning more and more to just trust God. I wish I could share with you all the verses and songs that have been an encouragement to me, but that would take too long. Instead, I have gathered some things I have written to describe what I have been through. I know that sometimes one of the most encouraging things you can hear is that you are not the only one.
July 5, 1998
God speaks to us through His word. Today I was under attack. Doubts were constantly in my mind. I know the enemy wants to keep me double minded, and I need to give these doubts to the Lord. I also know I have God's word as a weapon. I was looking in my Bible at some verses I had marked. I had the idea of turning to one of the gospels, and I did. I turned to Matthew to the story of when Jesus walked on water (Ch. 14:22-36). What stood out to me is that when Peter took his eyes off Jesus, he began to sink. I had been focusing on the doubts instead of Jesus. Yet when Peter cried out for Jesus to save him, Jesus did. I can and need to cry out too. Jesus saved, and He also said, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" Jesus does not want me to doubt.
© Lydia,1998.
"Sunday, August 2
Tonight I was very discouraged. I have been going through a time of worry and trial. First, wondering if I am really saved. Next, came wondering if God is real. The first has started a while ago. The second started after a Bible study when I had just been encouraged (Sunday night). It seems to me to be attack. It seems that after or during the times I have just been encouraged that I have these doubts come on full force. I have also felt this constant feeling of not being saved. I will come to times when I realize I need to trust God for even this Then comes the thought- "What if.". I have accepted Jesus and do believe in Him. I was praying tonight, and I just felt kind of unoverwhelmed and given a break from the worry. God has given me these times and the times of encouragement. He DOESN'T give me more than I can bear, and He DOES provide a way of escape. He is my strength, and He does see me.
He did this for me after I began to bring all this before Him.
© Lydia, 2000.
"I can allow doubt and questions in my life, and be useless. I can also choose to trust God and His promise- If I believe in Jesus and ask Him in, He will come in. I can be useless and disobey, or I can trust God in whatever He tells me to do- like a little child. Trusting God when he tells me to do something is not natural. That is a good indication that it's right. If I truly trust God, I will obey Him, no matter what He asks. This, especially at first, could be hard, however it needs to happen, or my heart grows hard."
*note: clarification on the word "useless" Not usable and available to do what God wants me to do.
A statement from journal:
"My life's battle is not fought by me- Jesus already won it. I am to do all I can to stand.
© Lydia, 2000.
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Thoughts and Feelings
The sun is shining brightly
And the waves seem to touch the sky
And I am right on top of them
Feeling as if I could fly.
The next minute everything's different
Dark clouds have rolled into view.
The waves now seem unfriendly
And there doesn't seem much I can do.
The waves rise high above me now,
Giant walls on every side,
And they all start washing over me,
And I am left with no where to hide.
These clouds and this sky are not over the ocean,
They're the feelings that color each thing that I see,
And these waves are not made of water,
They're the thoughts which encourage or trouble me.
With these waves of thoughts pounding over me,
And feelings dark and dull gray,
What can I hold to that's constant?
What through all "weather" will stay?
I know the truth that weathers the storm.
It's the same from day to day.
That truth is God's Word and His love for me.
No thought or feeling can tear them away.
So when my thoughts rise up against me,
And my feelings darken the sky,
God, His word, and His truth are my shelter,
The same through every storm that goes by.
Feelings lie and feelings change.
Do not be governed by feelings.
Written 3\26\00
© Lydia, 3\26\00.
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Just some background on why I wrote that. It was on a Sunday this school year, and in fact right around Spiritual Emphasis Week. I was totally distracted with thoughts and feelings, and I felt like I was just on the edge of walking away from God because of the thoughts in my mind and the fact that I felt like I had no choice but to listen to them. I realized that these were not truth, and I could compare them to what was the truth- the Bible. I was encouraged. Later, on the way home from Bible study that evening, I was able to talk to my dad, and I was encouraged even more. I wrote the poem when I got home before I went to bed.
© Lydia, 2000.
From journal 3\27\00, where I wrote about why I wrote the poem: "I know my feelings can't be trusted, but I know that God can. I trust God, even when my thoughts and feelings lie to me.
© Lydia, 3\27\00.
One more poem
Written around 5\1\00
Father, I feel I'm on the edge of freedom.
What is it that's holding me back inside?
Is it my flesh that does not want me free from
My sin and my fear, my selfishness and pride?
The freedom I'm seeing is the love that You've given,
And the love for others You want to work in me still,
The trust and the faith that I've been forgiven,
And the ability to lovingly obey Your will.
There is a part of me that does not want to love others,
At least not before I've been able to love me.
It doesn't want to sacrifice comfort for sisters and brothers,
But Lord, this is not what You've called me to be.
Lord, please give me resolve to take hold of this freedom
To love You and love others before thinking of me.
To seek first Your righteousness and Your kingdom
And through eyes of Your love be able to see.
© Lydia, 2000.
I hope there is something in here that will be an encouragement to you. I want you to know that I will be praying for you over the summer.
© Lydia, 2000.