Jeff,
How can I say this? I understand almost exactly what you are going through to some extent. You are not alone. Every Christian must go through doubt and spiritual confusion. That's part of what being a human here on earth is all about. We can not understand God's ways, but we will someday in Heaven. Anyway, your whole confusion about the doctrine of eternal security is what I struggled with. That is what my poem [“He Caught Me”] is about. I thought that maybe I'd lost my salvation because of my sin and my cold heart towards God. I read verse after verse after verse. I talked to my pastor but like you said it was hard just to believe.
I was not convinced whether my salvation was secure. So, instead of looking at what I did not know, I looked at what I did know -- that God is good, that He is loving (Psalm 62:11-12), that He is patient and kind, that He longs for people to seek after Him. The fact that you are struggling so much shows how much you care about God -- that you are passionately seeking after Him. God will honor that. "He who seeks will find." About your sin, hypocrisy, even "rebellion" at times, the Bible says that is why Christ died!!
Jesus died for all the times we sin and turn away from Him. But He loved us anyway. II Tim 2:13 says, "If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself." I remember all the times that Israel turned away from God, yet God did not forsake them. Isaiah 54 is wonderful. "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back ... but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you says the Lord your Redeemer."
You are so afraid that you turned away from God - but your whole struggle shows that you still love Him and are seeking Him. You are so afraid that you will turn away, but you have forgotten that God does not give up so easily. He loves you so much and I know that He has called you to be His Child. "He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion" (Phil 1:6).
I guess what I am saying is that no matter where you stand in the doctrine of eternal security - you can know that your faith is secure. God is working in your life. You have asked Jesus to come into your heart. You have realized that you are a sinner in need of a Saviour. God promises that if you do that you are a Christian and that nobody can pluck you out of His hand. He also says He gives us the Holy Spirit to work in us, and that He is constantly perfecting us (Right now he may be using this time to strengthen your faith!).
So you have to make a choice to believe this and go on holding onto God's promises and love. He loves you so much! I ended up having to trust God for the faith. I love the story about the man in Mark 9:24 who explains when Jesus asks him if He believes, "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!" So hold on, don't give up, and do what you know you need to do. Instead of focusing on yourself and your doubts - reach out to others and get involved. I've found that sometimes when I take my mind off the problem and on to God's goodness and others, it gets a lot better. Remember, you don't earn your salvation by good works! God will keep giving you the faith you need. Just hold on. He also promises that there is no temptation harder than you can bear.
Your sis in Christ,
Julia
Click here to read “He Caught Me,” a poem describing her experience.