Jokes
Åndssvage ting du kan give dine spillere, uden at du
ødelægger balancen i din AD&D kampagne
Returning singing sword of detect darkness. (boy it's dark in here, you probably thought you lost my back there didn't you, here is a song from the olden days.... and so on and so on and.....)
Leaking canteen of endless water.
Potion of vulnerability.
Jockstrap of attract arrows. (ouch)
Wand of returning fireball. (d'oh)
Scroll of read magic.
Chastity belt of sex appeal. (i sense trouble in your future)
Bottomless treasure chest.
Umbrella of stormbringing.
ADVARSEL!
Om kort tid vil tusindvis af danskere modtage en konvolut fra et foretagende som kalder sig "Skattevæsenet".
ÅBN IKKE DENNE KONVOLUT!!!
Der er tale om en gruppe af mennesker der hvert eneste år prøver at lokke millioner af kroner fra uskyldige
danskere. I brevet påstår de, at du skylder dem penge som - ifølge organisationen selv - skal bruges til dit
eget bedste.
DETTE ER IKKE SANDT!
Pengene bruges til at subsidiere bønder, børnechecks og alternativt gadeteater.
Oven i købet er organisationen i samarbejde med en anden organisation kaldet "ATP". Denne organisation
påstår at den tager penge fra din løn og sparer dem op til din alderdom.
DETTE ER HELLER IKKE SANDT!
Disse penge bruges OGSÅ til at subsidiere bønder, børnechecks og alternativt gadeteater.
Begge disse lyssky organisationer har narret milliarder af kroner fra uskyldige danskere - bliv ikke deres
næste offer!
SEND DENNE ADVARSEL VIDERE TIL ALLE DU KENDER!
At være en tissemand...
Subject: Lønforhøjelse
Jeg, Tissemanden, anmoder hermed om lønforhøjelse af flg. grunde.:
Jeg har et hårdt fysisk arbejde.
Jeg arbejder i store dybder.
Jeg slår altid hovedet når jeg er på arbejde.
Jeg har ikke fri i weekenden eller på helligdage.
Jeg arbejder i et fugtigt miljø.
Jeg bliver ikke betalt for overarbejde.
Jeg arbejder på en mørk arbejdsplads, næsten uden udluftning.
Jeg arbejder ved en meget høj temperatur.
Jeg arbejder med risiko for smittefare.
Ledelsens svar:
Efter grundig gennemlæsning af deres anmodning, er vi kommet til den beslutning ikke at give dem
lønforhøjelse af flg. grunde.:
De arbejder aldrig 8 timer i træk.
Efter kun at have arbejdet i kort tid, falder De i søvn.
De følger ikke altid den rigtige anvisning/ instruktion.
De arbejder ikke altid der hvor De burde.
De tager ikke noget initiativ, tværtimod skal De sættes under pres, og behandles pænt før De overhovedet
tænker på at arbejde.
De efterlader Deres arbejdsplads temmelig beskidt, når De forlader den.
De følger ikke altid sikkerhedsanvisningerne, f.eks. som at bære beskyttelsesdragt.
De går temmelig sikkert på pension før De bliver 67 år.
De kan ikke tage nogle dobbeltskift.
De forlader nogle gange Deres arbejdsplads uden at have gjort arbejdet færdigt.
Og som om dette ikke skulle være nok, er De ovenikøbet blevet set forlade Deres arbejdsplads med 2
mistænktligt udseende sække.
M.v.h.
Ledelsen.
Blondine vittigheder
Tenna's klassiske blondine vittigheder
Hvordan underholder man en blondine i timevis?
valgmuligheder:
1. giver hende en pose M&M og siger de skal lægges i alfabetisk orden!
2. giver hende et stykke papir, hvor der står vend på begge sider!
Hvad siger en blondine når vandet går over hendes navle?
Det overgår min forstand!
Hvad er det første en blondine gør om morgen?
tager sit tøj og går hjem.
Hvordan får man en blondine op på toppen af et hus?
siger: drinks on the house.
Hvordan får man en blondine til at samle benene?
man stiger af!
Hvorfor begraver man blondiner i trekantede kister?
Fordi hver gang det bliver mørkt spreder de benene.
Hvorfor har blondiner altid navlepiercing?
Så kan de hænge en wunderbaum (adrw!)
Hvorfor fik blondinen aldrig sit kørerkort?
hun blev ved med at lægge sig om på bagsædet
Hvorfor tager blondiner p-piller?
så de kan finde ud af hvilken dag det er.... åh
Hvorfor griner en blondine altid 3 gange af en vigtighed?
Når de får den fortalt..... Når de får den forklaret..... Når de forstår den! (hjælp, hvem sagde hjernedød)
Hvordan kan man se at en blondine har brugt en computer?
læbestift på joysticket, rettelak på skærmen og fedtfinger fra når de prøver at vende sidden.
Hvordan tænder en blondine lyset?
åbner bildøren.
Hvorfor står der 17 blondiner uden foran et discotek?
fordi der står at man skal være 18 for at komme ind.....
Hvorfor har blondiner blå mærker omkring navlen?
Fordi det findes også blonde mænd. (kender du noget til det Anders Anders?!?)
Hvorfor er blondine vittigheder altid så korte!!!!
Så kan brunetter sku huske dem..... hi-hi
Hvad er forskellen på en myg og en blondine?
Myggen stopper med at suge når man klapper den.
Forskellen på kvinder og mænd
Bemærk at med de nye Drive In-Kontant-Automater vil du
som kunde for fremtiden kunne hæve kontanter uden at
forlade bilen.
Instruktioner for at betjene automaten følger
nedenfor. Læs venligst de instrukser, der passer til
dit køn, og husk dem til når du skal bruge automaten
første gang.
INSTRUKTION FOR MÆND
1) Kør frem til kontanten.
2) Rul vinduet ned.
3) Indsæt kortet og tast PIN-kode.
4) Tryk det ønskede beløb.
5) Tag kort, penge og kvittering.
6) Rul vinduet op.
7) Kør.
INSTRUKTION FOR KVINDER:
1) Kør frem til kontanten
2) Bak det nødvendige for at få sideruden tæt på
kontanten.
3) Start motoren igen!
4) Rul vinduet ned.
5) Find din taske og tøm hele indholdet på
passagersædet for at finde kortet.
6) Find din makeup og check din makeup i spejlet.
7) Forsøg at sætte kortet i automaten.
Åben bildøren for nemmere at kunne nå.
9) Indsæt kortet.
10) Vend kortet rigtigt.
11) Find din dagbog i din taske og læs PIN-koden, der
er skrevet på omslaget.
12) Tast koden.
13) Tast "SLET" og tast den korrekte PIN-kode.
14) Tast beløb.
15) Check din makeup i spejlet igen.
16) Tag penge og kvittering.
17) Tøm din taske igen for at finde pungen og put
pengene i den.
1 Put kvitteringen bagerst i checkhæftet.
19) Check din makeup igen.
20) Kør to meter frem.
21) Bak til automaten.
22) Tag kortet.
23) Tøm tasken og find kortholderen og put kortet
deri.
24) Check din makeup.
25) Start motoren igen! Og kør væk.
26) Kør nogle kilometer
27) Slip håndbremsen.
Gå dog væk so!
Fra Tom
Det handler jo også om hvad man skal / kan sige til ens omgivelser når man har fået de første 20 genstande,
her vil jeg bringe et par eksempler som man med held kan bruge, hvis det er til en man ikke er helt vild med:
1. Undskyld, hvilken slankekur har du forgæves forsøgt
2. Jeg er overbevist om, at du er langt mere intelligent, end jeg først troede, kan du stave til "Hus"?
3. Hvorfor melder du dig ikke frivilligt som The missing link?
4. Nu kan jeg da godt kende dig.. Det var dig der blev sat til at vaske op på D'Angleterre den anden aften!
5. Dine negle står godt til dit sorte hår!
6. Dine forældre må da være blevet forelsket under mørklægningen!
7. Du ligner min bedstemor... Efter hun blev balsameret!
8. Din far og mor må have været meget tæt beslægtet - var de søskende?
9. Hvem læser undertekster for dig når du ser TV?
10. Tillykke med forfremmelsen. Det var fint klaret... Med dine evner!
11. Du er populær som en brændenælde i en nudistlejr!
12. I hvor mange år har du arbejdet med organiske opløsningsmidler?
13. Havregrød ikke gråt..... sammenlignet med dig.
14. At dine forældre er økonomisk på røven, skyldes ikke din Studiegæld !
15. Du får virkelig "Dyret" op i mig - "Møg-Dyret"
16. jeg har ikke mødt nogen der ikke er gået ild i.
Gå på jule indkøb
Fra Tom
Her er nogle gode råd om hvad I kunne lave i et storcenter:
1. Kom tilfældige varer i folks vogne når de ser væk.
2. Indstil alle vækkeurene til at gå i gang med ti minutter efter hinanden dagen igennem.
3. Lav et spor af appelsinjuice på gulvet, der fører hen til toiletterne.
4. Gå hen til en af de ansatte og sig med en meget officiel stemme, "Jeg tror vi har en Kode 3 i
legetøjsafdelingen," og se hvad der sker.
5. Indstil alle radioerne på en polka-station; sluk for dem og indstil volumen til "10".
6. Udfordr andre kunder til dueller med ruller af gavepapir.
7. Bed om at få lagt en pose M&M's tilside til næste uge.
8. Flyt "Pas på! Gulvet er vådt"-skiltet hen til en afdeling der har gulvtæppe på.
9. Begynd at græde, vis nogen kommer og spørger dig om de kan hjælpe med noget, og spørg "Hvorfor kan
I dog ikke bare lade mig være i fred?"
10. Kig direkte ind i overvågningskameraet, og brug det som et spejl mens du piller næse.
11. Spørg andre kunder om de har noget frikadelle-mix i deres vogn som du må få.
12. Mens du står og holder et gevær i Jagt og Fiskeri-afdelingen, spørger du pludselig sælgeren om han ved
hvor pillerne mod depression står.
13. Byt om på "Herrer" og "Damer" skiltene på dørene til toiletterne.
14. Kryb mistænksomt omkring, mens du nynner melodien fra "Mission Impossible."
15. Gem dig ind midt i en række med tøj på bøjler, og når folk bladrer gennem tøjet kan du f.eks. sige "Vælg
mig! Vælg mig!"
16. Når der kommer en meddelelse i kunderadioen, kan du indtage en foster-stilling på gulvet og skrige,
"Nej, nej! Nu er stemmerne der igen!"
17. Gå ind i et omklædningsrum og råb rigtig højt, "Hey, jeg er løbet tør for toiletpapir her inde!"
Her er en lille historie om kvinder
En kvinde var ude for at spille golf, da hun kom til at skyde en golfbold ind mellem træerne. Nå, men hun gik
ind for at finde kuglen, da hun fandt en frø i en fælde.
Frøen sagde:"Hvis du slipper mig fri fra fælden, får du 3 ønsker. Kvinden befriede frøen og frøen sagde:
"Tak, men jeg glemte at fortælle dig, at for hvert ønske, uanset hvad du ønsker, får din mand det 10 gange
mere og bedre!
"Kvinden sagde: "Det er da OK", og for hendes første ønske, ville hun være verdens smukkeste kvinde.
Frøen advarede hende: "Er du nu klar over at din mand vil blive verdens mest eftertragtede og kvinderne vil
flokkes omkring ham ?
"Kvinden svarede: "Det er OK, for jeg er verdens smukkeste kvinde og han vil derfor kun kigge på mig." Og
med FLASH-KAZAM m.m. blev hendes ønske opfyldt.
Kvindes andet ønske var at blive verdens rigeste kvinde. Frøen sagde: "Det vil gøre din mand den rigeste i
verdenen og han vil have 10 gange flere penge end dig. "Kvinden svarede: "Det er OK, for vi har fælles
økonomi." Og med FLASH-KAZAM m.m. blev hun den rigeste kvinde i verdenen.
Frøen spurgte kvinden om hendes tredje ønske og hun svarede: "Jeg vil gerne ønske et mildt hjertetilfælde."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them!!
Hiorths gamle vitser
Lille Ole, du må ikke pisse i vandet.
Jamen, alle andre pisser da også i vandet.
Måske, men de gør det ikke fra vippen.
Det var unge Hansen der var død.
Han var det man kaldte for en rigtig Playboy, for han havde rent ud sagt horet og drukket sig igennem livet.
Da han så i sin tidlige alder stillede træskoene, var det ikke for at komme i himlen. Nej da, han røg i helvede!
Men det var slet ikke som han havde forestillet sig; Der var gader og stræder, barer og moteller der lignede
de jordiske.
Der kom en nydelig herre og modtog ham, fandt et passende og i øvrigt fint værelse til ham. Nu skulle Unge
Hansen lige se hvad de kunne gøre, så han
spurgte den nydelige herre, om han ikke kunne få en flaske wiskey, og en blondine op på hans værelse. Det
kunne han, og puf, så var den nydelige herre væk, og sørme så - blondine og skotsk wiskey var kommet til.
Men der var noget galt! Så Hansen ringede til satan, for at sætte sig i respekt. "Der er hul i min wiskey!"
sagde hansen.
"Ja", svarede satan, "det er det lumske ved stedet her: Der er hul i alle flaskerne, - men prøv engang at
undersøge blondinen!"
Goddag, jeg vil gerne have et slips, der passer til min øjenfarve.
Beklager, men vi har ikke noget i blodsprængt i øjeblikket.
Hvad får man, hvis man parrer et Jehovas Vidne med en fra Dansk Folkeparti?
Små Mavesure folk, der render rundt og banker på dørene, og beder folk om at skrubbe af helvede til...
"Øhh... Sally, der er ikke noget som den første kærlighed."
"Nej det har du ret i. Men du nu også meget sød, Jesper..."
En enkelt
En pige vader ind i et supermarked, og køber følgende:
1 stykke sæbe
1 tandbørste
1 tube tandpasta
1 lille franskbrød
1 liter mælk
1 æble
1 banan
1 appelsin
1 blomme
1 fersken
1 grapefrugt
1 tomat
1 liter juice
1 glas syltetøj
1 bage kartoffel
1 kringle
1 pakke smør
1 rundstykke
1 müsli bar
1 tærte
1 lille pose kaffe
1 frossen færdigret
1 frossen pizza
Manden ved kassen kigger på hende, og siger smilende:
"single, hva´ ?"
Pigen smiler kælent tilbage og svarer:
"hvordan kunne du gætte det?"
Han svarer:
"fordi du er pisse grim!!!"
Hvorfor gik kyllingen over vejen?
AD&D:Det var der der var flest XP
Call Of Cthulhu:Det var altsammen en del af ritualet
D&D:Det var der de vandrende monstre var til at overvinde.
GURPS:Fordi det betød at afstands modifieren blev lige nøjagtig to mindre!!!
Paranoia:Fordi det er et af de få steder man må opholde sig når man er ultraviolet
-OG SELVFØLGELIG FORDI COMPUTEREN SAGDE DET!!!
COMPUTEREN ER VORES ALLESAMENS VEN OG DEN TAGER ALDRI-Zaaap!
Shadowrun:Det var nemmere at hacke DataNetværket derfra!
Star Trek:Fordi afsnittet altid starter med:”...to boldly go, where no man has gone before ”
Storyteller:Det var meget pinefuldt(tm),og gav rig lejlighed for at rollespille den Indre Splittelse(tm)og store Kval(tm)
Systemløst:Fordi den,ifølge sin karakterbeskrivelse var draget mod den anden side
Theatrix:Fordi det giver en bedre historie hvis den er derovre
Toon: Grønnere end giraffen med de tre flødeskumskager om sommeren,nå!
Traveller:Der var en højere techlevel!
Twilight 2K:Er du SINDSSYG!?!?!Veje er sgu ’da minerede!!!
Warhammer fantasy Roleplay: For at undslippe Hobitten!
Hvordan kommer Kyllingen så over vejen?
AD&D Bruger 4-5 kamprunder på at slagte de 5d6 Kobolter der tilfældigt kommer forbi, hvorefter den tager tilbage til den landsby den lige kom fra, for at sælge alt byttet og købe mere proviant
Call of Cthulhu Hele kyllingeflokken krydser på een gang (man splitter aldrig(!!!)partiet)efter på behørig vis at have gennemført et okkult vejkrydsningsritual for at påkalde TarMac,en dæmon med ambitioner om at
dominere alle veje i universet. Som en følge af at det ikke lykkedes at kontrollere dæmonen,bliver halvdelen at partiet ædt,og den anden halvdel stiger øjeblikkeligt 3d6 i vejkrydsnings-mythos,og mister lige så meget Sanity, hvilket betyder at de alle sammen bliver sindssyge og løber direkte tilbage på den anden side igen.
D&D Ligesom AD&D,bortset fra at kyllingen bliver slagtet af Kobolterne
GURPS Efter meget grundig planlægning og en sekund for sekund udførsel af hele vejkrydsningsoperationen, klarer stifinderkyllingen sit navigation rul og finder ud af de rent faktisk kommer fra den anden side
Paranoia Det gør den ikke fordi en eller anden robot ved en fejl har malet vejen ultraviolet, hvorefter den bliver skudt fordi den ikke adlyder Computerens ordrer,og derfor er nødt til at være en forræder-mutant,eller det der er værre!
Shadowrun Efter Deckeren har jammet lysreguleringen,Shamanen har renset det astrale plan for fjender,og de to Physical Adepts dækker i hver sin retning,ræser Kyllingen over vejen i en CombatAssault-Hovercraft, standser; bruger hele sin combat pool på at røre jorden på den anden side med en
vingespids i 0,0023 sekund, hvorefter den ræser tilbage igen...og bruger de næste tre spilgange på at prale med hvor saaaaj den var!
Star Trek Efter at have mistet et par Security Ensigns,finder en af hovedpersonerne ud af en teknisk løsning der er totalt grebet ud af luften,og helst skal involvere enten 2 til 3 større teknologiske landvindinger og en rekalibrering af en tricorder til at ordne problemet (eller brug af en inverse tachyon beam!)
Storyteller Den bruger minimum to timer på at gennemleve en større ekstistentiel krise(tm)da den opdager hvor godt der var hvor den kom fra,mens den har travlt med at forføre de lokale kyllinger
Systemløst Eftersom kyllingen,netop fordi den er en kylling,har erfaring med at krydse veje,er den i stand til at krydse vejen uden problemer.Desværre har den ikke nogen erfaring med at undslippe store tankvogne, der kommer ned ad bakken lige lidt for hurtigt...
Theatrix Den bruger et plotpoint på at komme med et statement om at den allerede er ovre på den anden
side
Toon Efter at have sikret sig til gentagne gange at der ikke er nogen trafik i 10km i hver retning,tager kyllingen et skridt ud på asfalten,kun for at blive ramt af det krydsende tog,et faldende pengeskab,en prærieulv på raketrulleskøjter eller/og noget endnu underligere
Twilight 2K Den gør det meegeet foorsiigtiigt,og først efter at have overtalt et par forbipasserende ingeniørtropper til at stryge alle minerne -og selv da helst i et pansret køretøj (eftersom der ikke er ret mange af dem omkring,kan det godt tage et par uger)!
Sponsor Kondomer
Nike kondomer : - Just do it
Ford kondomer : - The ride of your life
Sony kondomer : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony
Microsoft kondomer: - Where do you want to go today ?
M&Ms kondomer : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Coca-Cola kondomer: - The Real Thing
Duracell kondomer : - Keep going and going
Pringles kondomer : - Once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King kondomer :- Home of the whopper
Nokia kondomer :- Connecting People
Motorola kondomer :- What you never thought possible
Renault kondomer :- Size does matter !!!!!
Energizer kondomer:- Never say never die
Diet Coke kondomer:- Just for the taste of it
gevalia kondomer : Hvad byder du uventede gæster
coca cola kondomer: enjoy
fanta kondomer : share the fun, where-ever
sprite kondomer : obay your thirst
pingvin(hit-mix) : en håndfuld er en mundfuld
DSB kondomer : Hvis tiden er vigtig
haribo kondomer : Den er go'
Volkswagen kondomer: It feels bigger than it is
BT kondomer : Så er du med
Venus kondomer : Reveal the godess in you
Super Brugsen kondomer: Stil kærlige krav
Sweps kondomer : Just a little more bite
Anton Berg kondomer: Fordi vi ikke laver andet
Colgate kondomer : Plejer og beskytter
Lorial kondomer : Fordi jeg fortjerner det ___
Høng kondomer : Smagen ændre sig, men formen er den samme !___!
Carlsberg kondomer: Leverandøg til det Kongelige Hof
Carlsberg kondomer: lavet på det bedste vi har
BRF kridit kondomer: En ven af huset
Disney kondomer : En verden af magi
Macintosh kondomer: Think diffrent
Og hvis de ikke holder alligevel...
If : Hvis uheldet er ude
Lidt at tænke over...
* Hvis svømning slanker, hvad er det så gået galt med blåhvaler?
* Hvad hedder de små plastik rør, der sidder for enden af et snørrebånd?
* Hvis der ikke er noget der klæber på teflon, hvordan får de så teflon til
at sidde fast på panderne?
* Hvis du kører med lysets hastighed, hvad sker der så når du tænder
forlygterne?
* Hvorfor laver de ikke fly af samme materiale som den sorte boks?
Den holder jo altid.
* Hvis du binder et stykke smørebrød fast på ryggen af en kat, og slipper
den fra stor højde, hvad sker der så?
* Hvorfor staves palindrom ikke ens forfra og bagfra?
* Hvis man forsøger at bevise Murphy's lov, vil det så gå galt?
* Hvis en ko kunne grine, ville der så komme mælk ud af dens næse?
* Hvorfor er ordet "forkortelse" så langt?
* Hvorfor er der kun et monopol tilsyn?
her er lidt mere at tænke over, fra ”Den syge pinsvin”
Hvorfor trykker man hårdere på fjernbetjeningen, når batteriet er ved at være fladt?
Hvordan fejrer nudister fastelavn?
Hvis super lim klæber på alt, hvorfor klæber den så ikke på indersiden af tuben?
Hvis en harefod bringer held, hvad skete der så liiiiige med haren?
Nu hvor du har smilet mindst én gang, er det din tur til at sprede dumhederne og sende dem til nogen, du
synes trænger til et smil (måske enda et grin).
Livet og alt det der andet
En professor stod foran sit hold med en del effekter foran sig. Da forelæsningen begyndte, tog han lydløst et
stort tomt syltetøjsglas, som han fyldte med sten, som var ca. 5 cm i diameter. Da der ikke kunne være flere
sten i glasset, spurte han de studerende:
"Er glasset fyldt nu?" Alle var enige om at det var det. Så tog professoren nogle småsten frem, dem puttede
han ganske forsigtigt ned i glasset, imens han rystede det, derved faldt de små sten ned igennem
sprækkerne imellem de store sten. Da glasset var proppet til kanten, spurte han de studerende igen, "Er
glasset nu fyldt?" Alle var enige om at nu var det fyldt.
Da professoren nu tog en pose med sand frem grinede de studerende, for professoren kunne jo sagtens
hælde den del sand ned mellem sprækkerne, der stadigt var mellem de store sten og småstenene, han
fyldte nu glasset helt op med sand.
"Nu!" sagde professoren "Vil jeg gerne have, at i forestiller jer at dette glas er jeres liv!" De store sten, er de
betydningsfulde ting i jeres liv, - familien, kæresten/ægtefællen, børnene, jeres helbred - altså ting, som hvis I
mister alt andet, end netop lige disse ting, så vil jeres liv fortsat være fyldt.
Småstenene er så andre knap så vigtige ting, så som jobbet, dit hus, din bil. Og sandet er alt andet. "Se!
Hvis I først fylder glasset med sand, så er der jo ikke plads til småsten og store sten. Det samme gælder for
jeres liv, hvis I bruger alt jeres tid og energi på små ubetydelige ting, så bliver der ikke plads til de store og
betydningsfulde ting. Hav' altid fokus på hvilke ting, der er vigtige for netop dig, så dit liv bliver lykkeligt. Leg
med dine børn, afsæt tid til lægebesøg, så helbredet altid er i orden. Gå i byen med din partner, og alligevel
vil der fortsat være tid til at tage på arbejde, gøre rent i huset, og alt det andet "sand og småsten" "Fyld dit liv
med store sten - ting der virkeligt betyder noget. Hold styr på hvad der skal prioriteres som store sten.
Resten er jo bare sand!"
Professoren kikker nu hen over de studerende, tager en øl frem, og hælder ganske forsigtigt en hel øl ned i
de sidste små mellemrum mellem sandet, småstenene og de store sten. Han vender sig mod klassen og
siger:" Og moralen er! Lige meget hvad fanden, der sker i dit liv, er der altid plads til en øl!"
Mærkelige ord
Det er et forholdsvis kendt fænomen,at sprog generelt er misvisende.
Shao-lin farveland
Kung to-fu
Judomani
Kara-tehus
Boksermadras
Bogen ”Kvinde kendo din krop ”
Bald Desert Eagle
Cyber-punk:”I only have ICE for you ”
Revolver doors
Karambolage billard
The disembowling alley
Samurejer
Salmonella Rushdie
Til gengæld findes der også enlang række ord og vendinger,som ikke er nær så farlige som de umiddelbart
ser ud til:
Everybody was Tofu Fighting
Skydedøre
Ludomester
Flæskesværd
Tigerrejer
Eksplosionsmotor
Branddøre
Jyske Bank
Granatæbler
Oh, The Irish Ego
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell
me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after
a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door
neighbor Gerry, and the entire
dominoes
team from the
pub----- that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what
equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor
from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16
thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army
has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the
war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and
the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, and then sighed. "I must tell you
Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack
planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided
surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my
army
has increased
to 2 million."
"Faith and Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back. "Sure
enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call
off the war."
""I'm sorry to hear that", said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2
million prisoners."
Operating systems
DOS Air:All the passengers go out onto the runway,grab hold of the Plane,push it until it gets in the air,hop
on,jump off when it hits the ground again.Then they grab the plane again,push it back into the air,hop on,etc..
Mac airways:The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same,feel the same and act the
same.When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know,don't need to know and
would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines:The terminal is very neat and clean,the attendants all very attractive,the pilots very
capable.The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense.Your jet takes off
without a hitch,pushing above the clouds,and at 20.000 feet it explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways:The terminal is almost empty,with only a few prospective passengers milling about.The
announcer says that their flight has just departed,wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on
the runway.
Linux united: Have the biggest and fastest planes, with all the extras, but no one can navigate the machine
Resolutions... If I Ever Become a Vampire
klassiske vampyrer
Denne her kommer fra Troels, ked af at den er på engelsk
Resolutions... If I Ever Become a Vampire
I shall wear tweed, and cheerful bright clothing. Further, I shall only wear
trenchcoats if it is raining or foggy.
I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.
I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my story with any
reporter or struggling writer.
I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or motorcycle. An
economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4 wheel drive will be just fine.
I will immediately become Agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding religious
maniacs.
I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, that's the first place people look.
I shall immediately purchase a "Hooked on Phonics" tape, in order to lose any
Romanian accent I may have.
My ghouls shall have good posture.
I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for TWO
hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and other inconveniences.
If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of eternity with, I
shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not larger than I am.
If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will not change into a
giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, I shall call the police and
have them arrested for trespassing.
If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, I shall not attempt to
kill them all. I will simply move, and leave no forwarding address.
There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human being for a
fifteen-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I shall refrain from such
transformations in public.
Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep company with them
whatsoever.
I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal killing machine,
doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me, they probably are too.
I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time.
This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there
when he is dead.
There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick
someone who doesn't?
The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come
armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to
cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than
with a sniper rifle.
When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way
locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast or other
location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or ridiculous
accessories to conceal.
I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an
automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under
arrest for attempted breaking and entering.
My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate
oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymore
mines designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans
and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.
I will wear white clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as
black.
If I can't avoid wearing black all the time, and acting wierd, I will go to bars
which cater to that sort of clientele. It would make it more difficult for
the hero to pick me out of the crowd.
I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him
anyway so what's the point?
I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centuries
of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.
There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my
Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can
be directed down using mirrors.
If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate
so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at
sunrise.
When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I
will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That would
goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet
room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.
I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever
while their minds grows older and they will become whiny and disobedient.
I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little
French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two
bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.
My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed
sticks at inopportune moments.
I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his
party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.
My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such as the
bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his friends.
I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize people when
there might be witnesses.
All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or
even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have express consent from
me.
The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container and
there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less
suspicious than "I.......am......Dra. ....cu.....la."
I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution
rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will
be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80
years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile.
I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition
is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently
cuts himself.
A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather
trendy fashion accessory.
I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a
confident expression.
Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be
taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with
their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees,
handcuffed and chained to the wall, where they will provide lunch for my
concubines.
Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades
will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine
collection of rifles and handguns.
I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use.
If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable
to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.
I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The
Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible, delaying him
considerably.
Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at
that restaurant.
I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive
drugs.
All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to
show excessive devotion to me in public.
Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one
mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might
notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teacher
at the all-girls school first.
All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks.
Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration.
The irony is not worth the risk.
Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a
shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants,
concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably
tastier.
All future concubines will be strip-searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic
before I approach them.
All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the
supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community
and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of
anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team
to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them
from an Uzi.
And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from
several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice).
All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will
secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss
the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtably be
ways to destroy me.
I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I
don't have any. That is why it is former.
I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special
occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and
Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.
Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines they work quite
effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore all concubines will be
armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a
last resort.
All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the
absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify.
I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or
lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and
death.
I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.
I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire
that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability
to destroy me.
More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want
more of us running around.
All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No
silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally, the steel
will have a special surface that makes it look like silver, so the Hero will
waste his time trying to stab me with it.
I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas
at all times. Not needing to breathe is a useful skill.
As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos
clothing.
I will make lots of long term investments.
With the great wealth I get from the long term investments, I shall endow
a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood, or
a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonalds instead of bothering
the hero's womenfolk.
While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the
protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heros.
As cute as the "Vampire Slayer" is, there are other girls just as cute who are
not capable of destroying me.
I will not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom
seems to work out well.
If I find out that there is a "Vampire Slayer" living in the vicinity, I will
consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages confered by that
particular location.
When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will
consider surrender. Or mailbombs.
I will put on lots of makeup and fur, and howl at the moon every once in a
while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably enable me to get
away with a silver bullet or two.
I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good
source of income, and I don't have to worry much about the possibility of
something going wrong.
Top 10 Uholdbare kombinationer
Kombinationer:
1. Jetpilot med højdeskræk
2. Kloakmand med lugtesans
3. Pacifistisk jægersoldat
4. Etisk politiker
5. Frømand med vandskræk
6. Frø med vandskræk
7. Kuldskær ismand
8. Rollespiller med et liv
9. Lagermand på Haribo
10. Intelligent blondine
Tømmermands kuren
Da der nok er nogle af jer som vågner op lørdag morgen (efter kl. 14:00) med "Racer-Mave" (følelsen af at
maven har elevatorfunktion) & med dertil hørende "Håndværker-Besøg" (Tømmermænd) både de fysiske &
de moralske, de moralske kan jeg ikke hjælpe jer med, men til de fysiske er der denne Cocktail:
1 del Pernod,
1 del von Oosten,
1 del Pebermyntelikør,
1 del Gin,
et par stænk Tabasco,
2 rå Æg,
salt & peber,
drøn det hele op i en Blender og giv blandingen 1-2 min. (eller stop lige før jeres hoved sprænger af lyden fra
Blenderen), hæld hele herligheden op i et bredt glas og tag en lang og dyb indanding (det vil i de fleste
tilfælde gøre noget akut ved maven) og drik det så i en laaaaang slurk !
Denne opskrift er testet af Judge, som beskrev at hvis du kan holde maven nede i fem minutter, forsvinder
dine tømmermænd bagefter
World Trade Center´s Destruktions Ground
Osama´s søn kom hjem med 03
i historie.
Osama: "Hvad gik der galt?"
Søn: "Jeg skrev at EiffelTårnet er
højere en World Trade Center"
Osama smilede: "Bare rolig! Det ordner jeg!".
Fodbold; Brøndby
Er man Brøndby fan, skal man tage denne med et smil, det er jo kun "en
vits".
ANSOGNING OM OPTAGELSE TIL BRØNDBY SUPPORT
Navn: ________________(efternavn)
(_)Brian
(_)Jimmi
(_)Ronni
(_)Johnny-Brian
(Afkryds venligst fornavn)
Alder: ____
Kon:
____ Mand
_____ Ved ikke
Sko Storrelse (ADIDAS eur.nr) : ____
Stilling:
Narkoman (_) Autolakerer (_) Maler (_)
Smusker (_) Arbejdsløs (_)
Ægtefelles navn: __________________________
Antal børn i husstanden: ___
Antal heraf, som er dine: ___
Moders navn: _______________________
Faders navn: _______________________ (Udfyld intet, hvis du ikke er sikker)
Uddannelse: 1. , 2., 3 eller 4. (Afkryds afgangsklasse fra
folkeskolen)
Kæledyr :
___ Rottweiler
___ Pitt Bull
___ Kongepython
___ Sort enke
Type og argang bil: ____________ 197_
___ Antal gram narko du har købt denne uge
___ Antal fængselsophold
___ Antal køretøjer du ejer !
___ Antal køretøjer du har stjålet !
___ Antal koretojer du har hærget !
___ Antal knive du ejer !
___ Antal skydevaben du ejer
Hvor opbevarer du dem:
____ Soveværelset
____ Dagligstuen
____ Kokkenet
____ Skuret
____ Bilen
____ Lommen
Aviser/blade du abonnerer pa :
(_) B.T.
(_) Ekstra Bladet
(_) Rapport
Hvad er du medlem af :
(_) Hells Angels
(_) Bandidos
(_) Socialdemokratiet
(_) Fremskridtpartiet
(_) South Side Brigade
Du synes at for fed er :
(Afkryds gerne flere)
( ) Søren Krarup
( ) Pia Kjærsgaard
( ) Jonni Hansen
( ) Jean Marie Le Penn
( ) Rambo
( ) Snurre snup
Du har fornylig erhvervet aktier/anparter i :
( ) B&W
( ) Nordisk Fjer Holding A/S
( ) Accumulator Invest
( ) Selskabet 13235536 af 17. maj 1992 ApS
Hvor mange FCK-fans har du banket ___
Antal rovmord du har begaet :
(_) 1-2 (_) 3-5 (_) Flere
Hvor mange gange siger du Ikk og Mand i en setning.
(_)1-2 gange, 3-5 gange (_), Flere (_)
Desuden skal vedlægges lydbånd med følgende ord :
Brøndby (udtales : "ønby" bemærk således at Brø
er stumt"),
Pansersvin
Ludersøn :
Ansøgning vedlagt straffeattest bedes indsendt til
Brøndby-Support.
julens fristelser
Til alle dem, der skal til julefrokost.....
Julefrokosttiden nærmer sig, og det kan være nødvendigt at vide HVILKEN brandert man har på.......
Askepot-druk: Du kommer hjem og har tabt en sko og tøjet hænger i laser.
Bambi-druk: Dine ben nægter at gøre som du siger og dit hoved føles stort som en badebold.
Tornerose-druk: Du sover i hundrede år.
Snehvide-druk: Du vågner med syv fremmede mænd i sengen.
Lille havfrue-druk: Dine fødder klistrer sammen og lugter af fisk.
Lille rødhætte-druk: Du vågner med din mormor i samme seng.
Kejserens nye klæder-druk: Du vågner helt nøgen i rendestenen og opdager en pegende folkeskare.
Den grimme ælling-druk: Du vågner med en samlever - men det er ikke din egen - den her er smukkere.
Peter Plys-druk: Din bug har hævet til dobbelt størrelse og din mund er klistret.
Joakim von And-druk: Du vågner og har en stor bunke penge, men ingen bukser.
Hans og Grete-druk: Du kan nemt finde til toilettet ved at følge sporet af nattens opkastninger.
Store Stygge Ulv-druk: Du har så slem ånde,at du kan blæse et hus omkuld.
jyder
dette var tilsendt mig fra Marie C.P.
KØBENHAVNSK PAR FØDER JYSK BARN (Ritzau)
Lars og Cecilie, et sundt og raskt og heltigennem københavnsk par, er endnu ikke kommet sig over den
forfærdelige nyhed, de fik i sidste uge, da lægerne på Rigshospitalets børneafdeling gav dem den knusende
besked: "Jeres barn er jyde."
Udadtil virker Lars og Cecilies dreng, den 4 år gamle Klaus, som et helt normalt barn. Men månedlange
undersøgelser på Rigshospitalet efterlader ingen tvivl om at han er uhelbredeligt jysk. "Selvom vi længe
vidste, at der var noget galt med Klaus, så var den endelige dom alligevel et hårdt slag," fortæller Cecilie.
"Det er svært at fatte, at han er fuldstændig jysk, og at han vil være det resten af livet." Også lægerne er
forbløffede og forfærdede: "Vi har testet begge forældre, og de besidder absolut ingen anlæg for jyskhed,"
udtaler Overlæge Arne Krogstrup fra Rigshospitalets børneafdeling. "Indtil videre håber vi, at det er et
enkeltstående fænomen.
Men vi vil indtrængende opfordre andre forældre til at henvende sig, hvis de mistænker deres børn for at
være jyder. Det er særdeles vigtigt at få klarlagt, om dette er et omsiggribende fænomen." Som spæd
udviste Klaus ingen klare tegn på, at han var jysk. Først omkring 3-års alderen begyndte han at opføre sig
underligt, og vakte forældrenes bekymring. Lars fortæller: "Første gang vi blev urolige var en dag da jeg sad
og kiggede i billedbog sammen med Klaus. Der var en lille gris, der havde gemt sig, og så spurgte jeg Klaus:
'Hvor er grisen henne?' Han pegede på grisen og sagde: 'Dær er æ gris.'" "Så grinte jeg og sagde: 'Det
hedder altså grisen, ikke æ gris.' Og så stirrede han bare på mig, med en vrede der var helt unaturlig for en
lille dreng, som om jeg havde sagt noget fuldstændig blasfemisk, og han sagde med sammenbidte tænder:
'Æ gris! Det bløwwer do nød te å husk, fatter!' Jeg blev faktisk ret bange for ham." Til at begynde med
håbede Lars og Cecilie, at Klaus' mærkværdige adfærd bare var noget, der gik over med tiden. "Men det
blev værre. Det blev meget værre," siger Cecilie med smerte i stemmen. "Han begyndte at æde enorme
mængder mad. Især havregrød. Og han krævede, at vi altid spiser op. Hvis vi levner lidt ved aftensmaden,
siger han straks: 'Ka I så fo ded nier! Ska den goe ma bår gå te spill?'" "Og det er umuligt at diskutere med
ham," fortsætter Lars. "Han er helt unaturligt stædig. Hvis han ikke får sin vilje, truer han med at melde os for
incest og børnemishandling. 'Spis jeres ma, eller a kommer på børnehjem!' siger han. Efterhånden som tiden
gik, og Klaus' adfærd blev
værre, måtte Lars og Cecilie indse, at der var noget helt alvorligt galt.
"Vi blev for alvor bange for at han var jysk, da vi var i Zoologisk Have for første gang,"fortæller Cecilie. "Det
virkede slet ikke som om han syntes, at dyrene var sjove eller spændende. Han var mest interesseret i hvor
mange æg, pingvinerne gav, og hvad kiloprisen på kamelerne var. Girafferne var han især interesseret i. 'Der
ka dæleme bløwe mange nakkekoteletter a dem,' sagde han. Vi prøvede at forklare ham, at det var
meningen, at man bare skulle kigge på dyrene - ikke købe dem eller spise dem. Men det kunne han
overhovedet ikke forstå. Og så sagde han: 'Waffor holler de dyrskue når en it ka køwe kreatuerne? Ded er
dælme da tosset.' Så kørte vi direkte på hospitalet med ham."
Klaus var indlagt i næsten et halvt år, mens børneafdelingens læger forsøgte at stille en sikker diagnose.
"Selvom forældrene med rette følte, at deres barn led af jyskhed, så er det en anden sag at stille en klinisk
diagnose," udtaler Overlæge Arne Krogstrup. "Klaus måtte igennem mange systematiske undersøgelser, før
vi var sikre."Arne Krogstrup observerede bl.a. at Klaus var ganske fascineret af Pia Kjærsgaard. "For det
meste ville han helst se børne-tv, som ethvert normalt barn. Men vi opdagede, at når der var nyheder på TV,
og der var indslag med Pia Kjærgsaard, satte han sig lige foran fjernsynet og lyttede til hende og nikkede
roligt. Han var ofte fuldstændig opslugt. Hvis vi prøvede at fortælle ham, at Pia Kjærgsgaard ikke er en sød
dame, så stirrede han uforstående på os og rystede langsomt på hovedet. Lægerne blev dog først sikre på,
at Klaus var jysk, da de undersøgte hans humoristiske sans. "Til vores store forfærdelse manglede den
fuldstændig. Vi prøvede at få ham interesseret i f.eks. South Park og Casper & Mandril-aftalen. Men han
fattede det ikke, og syntes det var dybt åndssvagt.
Derimod brølede han af grin og rullede rundt på gulvet af latterkramper hvis han så Finn'sk Fjernsyn. Så var
vi desværre temmelig sikre på, at han måtte være jysk." Klaus har nu været udskrevet i en uge, og Lars og
Cecilie er i gang med den vanskelige proces at lære hvordan man lever med et jysk barn. "Det er meget
svært at vide, hvordan man skal gøre, når man ikke selv har haft med jyder at gøre," sukker Cecilie. "F.eks.
nægter Klaus at gå i andet tøj end Jack&Jones eller Helly Hansen. I går prøvede vi at give ham noget pænt
Benetton-børnetøj på, men han skreg som besat, som om vi prøvede at slå
ham ihjel. Jeg har aldrig hørt noget barn skrige sådan. Vores jyske underbo kom farende op til os, og spurgte
hvad i alverden vi lavede. Og da hun så tøjet, var det lige før hun også skreg, og hun sagde: 'Dette tøj må
aldrig berøre dette barns krop. Hører I?'"
"Vi forsøger at gøre det så godt som muligt, og at holde af ham. Selvom det er svært, så er han trods alt
vores barn. Og selvom han nok aldrig bliver rask, så håber vi, at han alligevel få en nogenlunde normal
tilværelse. Vi håber, at hvis han bare kan gennemføre folkeskolen, så kan han blive politimand, og være
sammen med sine egne. Det vil nok være det bedste for
ham."
mænd og religion
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals,
and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused,
but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical
needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too
smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him
first...So, just remember... it's a secret...Woman-to-woman!"
Djævlens tal afsløret.
Vi kender alle klassikeren:666, Djævelens tal.
Her er top ti alternative tal med betydning;
DCLXVI: Djævelens romertal.
666.0000: Djævelens præcisions tal.
0,666: Milidjævelens tal.
666 -1 : Djævelens inverse tal.
1010011010: Djævelens binære tal.
665.95: Djævelens udsalgspris.
666 ° C: Djævelens temperatur.
I66686: Djævelen processor.
668: Djævelens nabo.
Word 6.66: Djævelens tekstbehandlingsprogram.
Dam.
sindsyge
Denne lille lækkerbidsken fik jeg fra Edith
1) Sæt dig i din parkerede bil m/solbriller på ved frokosttid og peg med en hårtørrer på bilerne der kører forbi.
Se om de sænker farten.
2) Kald dig selv over samtaleanlægget. Lad være med at maskere din stemme.
3) Insister på at din emailadresse er: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
4) Hver gang nogen beder dig om at gøre noget, så spørg om de vil have pomfritter med det.
5) Opfordr dine kolleger til at slutte sig til dig i lidt synkroniseret stoldans.
6) Sæt din papirkurv på bordet og mærk den "ind".
7) Udvikl en unaturlig frygt for klipsemaskiner.
Fyld kaffeautomanten med koffeinfri kaffe i tre uger. Så snart alle så
har vænnet sig til det, skift så til ekspresso.
9) Svar til alt alle siger: "Det er noget du tror".
10) Afslut alle dine sætninger med "Som profetien forudsagde"
11) Juster farven på din skærm så lys/mørke niveauet kan lyse hele dit arbejdsareal op. Insister på at du
foretrækker det sådan.
12) Lad være med at bruge punktum, komma, semi/kolon eller andre tegn når du skriver.
13) Så ofte som muligt så hop i stedet for at gå.
14) Spørg folk hvad køn de er. Grin hysterisk når de har svaret.
15) Syng med i operaen
16) Gå til et poesioplæsning og spørg hvorfor digtene ikke rimer.
17) Find ud af hvor din chef køber tøj og køb nøjagtig de samme klæder. Bær dem en dag efter din chef.
(Dette er i særdeleshed effektivt hvis din chef er af det modsatte køn).
1 Send en email til resten af firmaet og fortæl dem hvad du laver. F.eks. "hvis nogen har brug for mig er jeg
på toilettet i bås tre".
19) Sæt myggenet om det sted du sover. Afspil bånd med junglelyde hele dagen.
20) Fortæl dine venner fem dage i forvejen at du ikke kan komme til deres fest fordi du ikke er i humøret til
det.
21) Ring 112 og spørg om 112 er til nødssituationer.
22) Ring til krisehjælp eller Selvmordslinjen og lad være med at sige noget overhovedet.
23) Få dine kolleger til at kalde dig ved dit brydernavn, Steen Hård.
24) Når du forlader Zoologisk Have, begynd så at løbe mod parkeringspladserne mens du skriger: "Løb for
livet, de er løs!"
25) Fortæl din chef at det ikke er stemmerne i dit hoved der er problemet, men stemmer i hans der generer
dig.
26) Fortæl dine børn over middagsmaden at grundet familiens dårlige økonomi bliver I nødt til at lade et af
dem gå.
27) Hver gang du ser en kost, så råb: "Skat, din mor er her!"
starwars - Vader Strikes Back
Take a look at what I found!
There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of
The EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year!
Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his
fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the
release of Episode 1...
It's just great
The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition
INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing
LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.
A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning
off into the ventilation shaft.
Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to
go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know
that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years
old...
Luke: No...
Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at
yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own
ship out of the swamp...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly
destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave
me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark
Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I
had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old,
winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod
Racer... right here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know
whose you are, but you sure ain't mine... I knew an annoying reptile
once... I wonder if he...
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down
the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Secrets of Master Yoda
Take a look at what I found!
There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of
The EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year!
The scene is slightly different from that seen in the original version of
The Empire Strikes Back and it reveals Yodas darkest secrets!
It's just great
DAGOBAH: OUTSIDE YODA'S HUT
The scene is slightly different from that seen in the original version of The Empire Strikes Back.
Yoda's hut is larger, with added rooms. There is also a stone wall and a stone outhouse in the background.
Yoda is relaxing on a hammock tied between two trees above a stone patio, and there is a patio table and an
empty deck chair next to the hammock. Luke Skywalker emerges from the hut carrying a tray with a cup on
it.
LUKE: I've brought you your freshly squeezed rootleaf juice, Master Yoda.
YODA: Yes, on the table, you will put it. You I thank. Now, to clean the jacuzzi, you must go.
LUKE: Yes, Master.
(Luke sets the tray on the table beside Yoda, and turns to go. He hesitates.)
LUKE: Master Yoda.....
YODA: Hmmm?
LUKE: (nervously) Master Yoda, you have taught me much about the ways of the
Force, but....
YODA: Luke, yes? Something is troubling you, I sense. LUKE: Well, Master, it's just that... (gathering his
courage) ...I don't see how anything I've learned is helping me to become a Jedi....
YODA: For over eight hundred years have I taught Jedi. Are you to tell me how it must be done?
LUKE: But the only thing I've learned so far is how to move rocks around with my mind!
YODA: Soon, more I will teach you. My own counsel I will keep on when you
are ready.
LUKE: But there must be more to being a Jedi than building stuff out of rocks, fixing up your hut, preparing
your meals, bringing you rootleaf juice, and giving you rides around the swamp on my back!
YODA: Necessary, all this is, for your training. Adventure, excitement, you seek. Heh! A Jedi craves not these
things.
LUKE: But I've been here for THREE whole years!
YODA: Patience, young Skywalker. You must learn patience!
LUKE: (downcast) It just seems so pointless....
BEN'S VOICE: Stop your whining, Luke.
LUKE: Ben?
BEN'S VOICE: You heard me. No one said becoming a Jedi was easy.
YODA: Yes, Luke, to Obi-Wan you listen! Beware the Dark Side! If you choose the quick and easy path,
forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will, as it did Vader.
LUKE: Yes, Master. I understand.
YODA: Discipline, commitment, you must learn. Now, to your chores you must attend. Go, and mind what
you have learned.
LUKE: Yes, Master Yoda.
(Luke goes off behind Yoda's hut. Obi-Wan's shimmering blue ghost appears, and settles into the deck chair
beside Yoda.)
BEN: See, I told you that boy would believe anything.
YODA: Yes, gullible he is. A good servant he is. BEN: It wasn't easy finding somebody that naive. He still
thinks the Light Side of the Force is stronger?
YODA: Heh! So strong is the Light Side, I am content with this slimy mudhole for my home, while in a palace
on Coruscant, the Emperor lives? Yet I tell Luke that is what I choose, and he believes.
BEN: (laughing) Yeah.... Look at me! I'm a goddamn blue ghost, and Vader's still out there, hunting the rebels
down left and right. Well, the galaxy can go to hell in a handbasket as far as I'm concerned. What do I care?
I'm dead!
YODA: Yes, Obi-Wan. The truth you speak. And soon will I join you. Old am I. Tired am I. But, for now, I have
my hammock and my jacuzzi, and my rootleaf juice. And a willing servant. Not so bad this is.
BEN: You said it, Yoda.... oh, by the way, your rootleaf patch over there looks a little weedy.
YODA: Heh heh. This you must watch. Come here, young Skywalker!
(Luke bounds back into view.)
LUKE: Yes, Master Yoda?
YODA: To continue your training, I have decided. A difficult task I will set for you. (Yoda winks at Ben.)
LUKE: (overjoyed) Yes Master! Tell me what to do!
YODA: That rootleaf patch, a domain of evil it is. In you must go. (He points with his gimer stick) Those
weeds, they are strong with the Dark Side of the Force. Seek them out you must. Destroy them you must! On
this all depends.
LUKE: Thank you Master Yoda! (Luke runs over to the rootleaf patch and begins enthusiastically tearing out
weeds)
YODA: Heh heh.
BEN: What will you do if he ever catches on? That boy is your only help.
YODA: (staring up at the sky) No, there is another.........
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anakin pops his cherry
EXT. SPAVE
A vast sea of stars severas as a backdrop for the Main
Title, following by a rollup, whcih crawls into infinity.
There is unrest in the Galactic Senate
Several hundred solar systems under
the leadership of the rebel leader, Count
Dooku, have decalred their intentions to
secede from the Republic.
This separatist movement has made it
difficult for the limited number of
Jedi Kights to maintain peace and
order in the galaxy.
Senator Amidala, the former Queen of
Naboo, is returning to Coruscant
to vote on the critical issue
of creating an army to assist the
overwhelmed Jedi.
PAN UP to reveal the amber city planet of Coruscant.
A yellow Naboo Fighter flies OVER CAMERA toward
the planet, followed by a large Royal Cruiser and two
more Fighters.
EXT. CITYSCAPE, CORUSCANT - DAWN
The ships skim across the surface of the city
landscape. The sun glints off the chrome hulls of the
sleek Naboo spacecraft as they navigate between the
buildings of the capital planet.
EXT. CORUSCANT, LANDING PLATFORM - DAWN
Two Naboo Fighters land on one leaf of a three-leafclover landing platform. The Royal Starship lands on
the central lead, and the third Fighter lands on the
remaining plaform.
A small GROUP OF DIGNITARIES waits to welcome
the Senator. One of the members of the group os a
well dressed JAR JAR BINKS, a member of the
Galactic Representative Commission, and DORME,
Senator Amidala's handmaiden.
One of the FIGHTER PILOTS jumps from the wing of
his ship and removes his helmet. He is CAPTAIN
TYPHO, SENATOR AMIDALA'S Security Officer. He
moves over to a WOMAN PILOT.
CAPTAIN TYPHO
We made it. I guess I was wrong,
there was no danger at all.
The ramp ;pwers. TWO NABOO GUARDS appear.
SENATOR AMIDALA, ONE HANDMAIDEN (VERSE)
and FOUR TROOPERS descend the ramp. AMIDALA
is more beautiful now than she was ten years earlier
when, as Queen, she was freeing her people from the
yoke of the Trade Federation.
The DIGNITARIES start to move forward. SENATOR
AMIDALA reaches the foot of the ramp, when
suddenly there is a blinding FLASH and a huge
EXPLOSION. The DIGNITARIES and PILOTS are
hurled to the ground as the starship is destroyed.
Klaxons blare, alarms sound! CAPTAIN TYPHO and
the TWO ESCORT PILOTS get up and run to where
SENATOR AMIDALA lies dying. Beyond, ARTOO
DETOO drops down from the Naboo Fighter and rolls
toward the wreckage. The FEMALE ESCORT PILOT
kneels by SENATOR AMIDALA and takes off her
helmet, revealing SENATOR PADME AMIDALA.
PADMÉ
Cordé...
She gathers up her decoy double in her arms. Cordé's
eyes are open. She looks up at her.
CORDÉ
... I'm sorry, m'lady... I'm... not sure I...
CORDÉ dies. PADMÉ hugs her.
AMIDALA
No!... No!... No!...
PADMÉ lowers CORDÉ to the ground. She gets up
and looks around at the devastation. There are tears
in her eyes.
AMIDALA
I should not have come back.
CAPTAIN TYPHO
M'Lady, you are still in danger.
Amidala says nothing.
CAPTAIN TYPHO
This vote is very important. You did
your duty and Cordé did hers. Now
come. (she doesn't respond) M'Lady,
please!
She turns. They walk away. ARTOO lets out a small
whimper and rolls off after them.
EXT. SENATE BUILDING - DAY
The massive Senate Building glistens in the afternoon
sun. Small patches of fog have still to burn off.
INT. SENATE CHAMBER - DAY
The vast rotunda is buzzing with chatter. MAS
AMEDDA, the Supreme Chancellor's majordomo, tries
to quiet things down as PALPATINE confers with an
AIDE, UV GIZEN, riding a small one man floating
scooter.
MAS AMEDDA
Order! We shall have order! The motion
for the Republic to commission an army
takes precedent, and that is what we
will vote on at this time.
Everything quiets down. The AIDE disperses, and
SUPREME CHANCELLOR PALPATINE steps to the
podium.
PALPATINE
...My esteemed colleagues, excuse
me... I have just received some
tragic and disturbing news. Senator
Amidala of the Naboo system... Has
been assassinated!
There is a shock silence in the vast arena.
PALPATINE
(continued)
This grievous blow is especially
personal to me. Before I became
Chancellor, I served Amidala when
she was Queen. She was a great
leader who fought for justice, not
only in this honourable assembly,
but also on her home planet. She
was so loved she could have been
elected queen for life. She
believed in public service, and
she fervently believed in
democracy. Her death is a great
loss to us all. We will all mourn
her as a relentless champion of
freedom... and as a dear friend.
There is a moment of silence. ASK AAK, the
SENATOR of MALASTARE, moves his pod into the
centre of the arena.
SENATOR ASK AAK
How many more Senators will die
before this civil strife ends! We
must confront these rebels now,
and they need an army to do it.
A second pod moves into the centre of the area with
DARSANA, the
AMBASSADOR OF GLEE ANSELM.
AMBASSADOR DARSANA
Why weren't the Jedi able to stop
this assassination? We are no
longer safe, under their protection.
Senator ORN FREE TAA swings forward in his pod.
ORN FREE TAA
The Republic needs more security
now! Before it comes to war.
PALPATINE
Must I remind the Senator from
Malastare that negotiations are
continuing with the separatists.
Peace is our objective here... not
war.
The SENATORS yell pro and con. MAS AMEDDA tries
to calm things down. SENATOR PADME AMIDALA,
with CAPTAIN TYPHO, JAR JAR, and DORME,
manoeuvre her pod into the centre of the vast arena.
AMIDALA
My noble colleagues, I concur with
the Supreme Chancellor. At all
costs, we do not want war!
The Senate goes quiet, then there is an outburst of
cheering and
applause.
PALPATINE
It is with great surprise and
joy the chair recognises the
Senator from Naboo, Padmé Amidala.
PADMÉ
Less than an hour ago, an
assassination attempt was made
against my life. One of my
bodyguards and six others were
ruthlessly and senselessly
murdered. I was the target but,
more importantly, I believe this
security measure before you, was
the target. I have led the
opposition to build an army... but
there is someone in this body who
will stop at nothing to assure it's
passage...
Many of the SENATORS boo and yell at SENATOR
AMIDALA.
PADMÉ
(continuing)
I warn you, if you vote to create
this army, war will follow. I
have experienced the misery of war
first-hand; I do not wish to do it
again.
There is sporadic yelling for and against her
statements.
PADMÉ
Wake up, Senators... you must wake
up! If you offer the separatists
violence, they can only show us
violence in return! Many will
lose their lives. All will lose
their freedom. This decision
could very well destroy the very
foundation of our great Republic.
I pray you do not let fear push
you into a disastrous decision.
Vote down this security measure,
which is nothing less than a
declaration of war! Does anyone
here want that? I cannot believe
they do.
There is an undercurrent of booing... and groaning.
SENATOR ORN FREE TAA moves his pod next to
AMIDALA.
ORN FREE TAA
My motion to defer the vote must
be dealt with first. That is the
rule of law.
AMIDALA looks angry and frustrated. PALPATINE
gives her a sympathetic look.
PALPATINE
Due to the lateness of the hour
and the seriousness of this
motion, we will take up these
matters tomorrow. Until then, the
Senate stands adjourned.
EXT. EXECUTIVE QUARTERS BUILDING - DAY
The giant towers of the Republic Executive Building
seem to reach the heavens. Traffic clogs the smoggy
sky.
INT. CHANCELLOR'S OFFICE - DAY
CHANCELLOR PALPATINE sits behind his desk with
TWO RED-CLAD ROYAL GUARDS on either side of
the door. YODA, PLOT KOON, KI-AD-MUNDI, and
MACE WINDU sit acress from him.
PALPATINE
I don't know how much longer I can
hold off the vote, my friends.
More and more star systems are
joining the separatists.
MACE WINDU
If they do break away -
PALPATINE
No! I will not let that happen!
MACE WINDU
But if they do, you must realise
there aren't enough Jedi to
protect the Republic. We are
keepers of the peace, not soldiers.
PALPATINE
Master Yoda, do you think it will
really come to war?
YODA closes his eyes.
YODA
Worse than war, I fear... Much
worse.
PALPATINE
What?
MACE WINDU
What do you sense, Master?
YODA
Impossible to see ... The Dark Side
clouds everything. But this I am
sure of -
(opens his eyes)
Do their duty the Jedi will.
A muted BUZZER SOUNDS. A hologram of an AIDE,
DAR WAC, appears on the Chancellor's desk.
DAR WAC
The loyalist committee has arrived,
my Lord.
PALPATINE
Send them in.
They all stand as SENATOR AMIDALA, CAPTAIN
TYPHO, JAR JAR, MAS AMEDDA, DORME, and
SENATORS BAIL ORGANA, HOROX RYYDER and
ORN FREE TAA enter the office. YODA and MACE
WINDU move to greet the SENATOR, YODA taps
AMIDALA with his cane.
YODA
With you the force is strong...
young Senator. To see you alive
brings warm feeling to my heart.
PADMÉ
Thank you, Master Yoda. Do you
have any idea who was behind
the attack?
MACE WINDU
Our intelligence points to
disgruntled spice miners, on
the moons of Naboo.
PADMÉ
I don't wish to disagree but I
think that Count Dooku was behind
it.
There is a stir of surprise.
MACE WINDU
You know, M'Lady, Count Dooku
was once a Jedi. He wouldn't
assassinate anyone, it is not in
his character.
KI-ADI-MUNDI
He is a political idealist, not
a murderer.
YODA
In dark times nothing is what it
appears to be, but the fact remains
Senator, in grave danger you are.
PALPATINE gets up, walks to the window, and looks
out at the vast city.
PALPATINE
Count Dooku has always avoided
any kind of conflict. It appears
he has no desire to start a war.
Why would he kill you? To what end?
PADMÉ
I don't know, but everything in my
being tells me he was behind it...
After gazing out of the window for several moments
Palpatine turns to
Mace.
PALPATINE
Master Jedi, may I suggest that
the Senator be placed under the
protection of your graces.
BAIL ORGANA
Do you think that is a wise use
of manpower during these stressful
times?
PADMÉ
Chancellor, if I may comment, I
do not believe the...
PALPATINE
..."situation is that serious."
No, but I do, Senator.
PADMÉ
Chancellor, please! I don't want
any more guards!
PALPATINE
I realise all too well that
additional security might be
disruptive for you, but perhaps
someone you are familiar with... an
old friend like... Master Kenobi...
PALPATINE nods to MACE WINDU, who nods back.
MACE WINDU
That's possible. He has just
returned from a Border dispute on
Ansion.
PALPATINE
You must remember him, M'Lady...
he watched over you during the
blockade conflict.
PADMÉ
This is not necessary, Chancellor.
PALPATINE
Do it for me, M'Lady, please. I
will rest easier. We had a big
scare today. The thought of
losing you is unbearable.
AMIDALA sighs as the JEDI get up to leave.
MACE WINDU
I will have Obi-Wan report to you
immediately, M'Lady.
YODA leans into her ear.
YODA
Too little about yourself you
worry, Senator, and too much about
politics. Be mindful of your
danger, Padmé. Accept our help.
As the JEDI leave the office, PALPATINE continues to
pace behind his desk.
PALPATINE
I will not like this Republiv, that
has stood for over a thousand
years, be split in two
EXT. SENATE APARTMENTS - TWILIGHT
A graceful skyscraper twinkles in the evening light of
Coruscant.
INT. SENATE BUILDING, APARTMENT CORRIDOR -
EVENING
The door to the apartment slides open. JAR JAR
walks into the corridor, where TWO JEDI are exiting
the elevator. He recognises OBI-WAN and becomes
extremely excited, jumping around, shaking his hand.
JAR JAR
Obi! Obi! Obi! Mesa sooo smilen
to see'en yousa. Wahoooooo!
OBI-WAN smiles.
OBI-WAN
It's Good to see you, too, Jar Jar.
JAR JAR
Oops! Wheresa mesa manners?
Excuse me, Master Obi-Wan. I
completely forgot myself for
a moment there. I have had to learn
Diplodiaclect... speak it like a
native now. Don't really see the
point, actually, but members of
the Senate seem to prefer it...
JAR JAR notices OBI-WAN'S APPRENTICE.
JAR JAR
(continuing)
...and this, I take it, is your
apprentice... Nooooooooo! Annie?
Noooooooo! Little Bitty Annie?
(Looks at Anakin)
Nooooooo! Yousa so biggen!
Yiyiyiyyi! Annie!! Mesa no
believen.
ANAKIN
Hi, Jar Jar.
JAR JAR grabs hold of ANAKIN and envelops him in a
big hug.
JAR JAR
Annie! Annie! Yiyiyiyiyiyiiii!
INT. SENATE BUILDING, APARTMENT - EVENING
PADME is in a conference with CAPTAIN TYPHO and
DORME. JAR JAR enters the room, followed by the
TWO JEDI.
JAR JAR
Lookie... lookie... Oops!... Oh,
dear, I'm afraid I've forgotten
myself again.
PADME and TYPHO rise as OBI-WAN and ANAKIN
stop before the SENATOR. OBI-WAN steps forward.
ANAKIN stares at PADME. She glances at him.
OBI-WAN
It's a great pleasure to see you again,
M'Lady.
PADMÉ
It has been far too long Master
Kenobi. I'm so glad our paths
have crossed again... but I must
warn you that I think your
presence here is unnecessary.
OBI-WAN
I'm sure the Jedi Council have
their reasons.
She moves in front of ANAKIN
PADMÉ
Annie??
(stares)
My goodness you've grown.
They look at each other for a long moment.
ANAKIN
(trying to be smooth)
So have you... grown more
beautiful, I mean... and much
shorter... for a Senator, I mean.
OBI-WAN looks disapprovingly at his apprentice.
PADME laughs and shakes her head.
PADMÉ
Oh Annie, you'll always be that
little boy I knew on Tatooine.
This embarrasses ANAKIN, and he looks down. OBIWAN and CAPTAIN TYPHO smile.
OBI-WAN
Our presence will be invisible,
M'Lady.
CAPTAIN TYPHO
I am very grateful you are here,
Master Kenobi. The situation is
more dangerous than the Senator
will admit.
PADMÉ
I don't need more security, I need
answers. I want to know who is
trying to kill me.
OBI-WAN
(frowning)
We're here to protect you
Senator, not to start an
investigation.
ANAKIN
We will find out who is trying to
kill you Padmé, I promise you.
He's done it again. He bites his lip in frustration and
shame. OBI-WAN gives ANAKIN a dirty look.
OBI-WAN
We are not going to exceed our
mandate, my young Padawan learner.
ANAKIN
I meant in the interest of
protecting her, Master, of course.
OBI-WAN
We are not going through this
exercise again, Anakin. You will
pay attention to my lead.
ANAKIN
Why?
OBI-WAN
What??!!
ANAKIN
Why else do you think we were
assigned to her, if not to find
the killer? Protection is a job
for local security... not Jedi.
It's overkill, Master.
Investigation is implied in our
mandate.
OBI-WAN
We will do as the Council has
instructed, and you will learn
your place, young one.
PADMÉ
Perhaps with merely your presence,
the mysteries surrounding this
threat will be revealed. Now if
you will excuse me I will retire.
Everyone gives AMIDALA a slight bow as she and
DORME leave the room.
CAPTAIN TYPHO
Well, I know I feel a lot better
having you here.
I'll have an officer on every
floor and I'll be at the command
centre downstairs.
JAR JAR
Mesa busten wit happiness seein
Yousa again, Annie. Deesa bad
times, bombad times.
Captain Typho leaves.
ANAKIN
She didn't even recognise me, Jar
Jar. I thought about her every
day since we parted... and she's
forgotten me completely.
JAR JAR
Shesa happy. Happier den mesa
see-en her in longo time.
OBI-WAN
Anakin, you're focusing on the
Negative again. Be mindful of your
thoughts. She was glad to see us.
Now lets check the security here.
ANAKIN
Yes, my master.
EXT. JEDI TEMPLE - EVENING
The vast Jedi Temple sits on an endless flat plain,
silhouetted by a against the traffic-filled sky.
INT. JEDI TEMPLE, CORRIDOR - EVENING
MACE WINDU and YODA walk down the long
hallways, silhouetted by a lit room at the end.
MACE WINDU
Why couldn't we see this attack on
the Senator?
YODA
Masking the future, is this
disturbance in the Force.
MACE WINDU
The propecy is coming true, the
Dark Side is growing.
YODA
And only those who have turned to
the Dark Side can sense the
possibilities of the future. Only
going through the Dark Side can we
see.
MACE WINDU
It's been ten years, and the Sith
still have no shown themselves.
Do you think they are behind this?
YODA
...Out there, they are. A
certainty that is.
MACE WINDU
Do you think Obi-Wan's apprentice
will be able to bring balance to
the Force?
YODA
Only if he chooses to follow his
destiny.
There is a long silence as they walk away. Only
footsteps are heard.
INT. SENATE BUILDING, AMIDALA'S APARTMENT,
BEDROOM - NIGHT
PADME is asleep in her bed, lit only by the light of the
city outside her window coming through the blinds.
ARTOO stands in the corner of the bedroom. His
power is off.
INT. SENATE BUILDING, AMIDALA'S APARTMENT,
MAIN R0OM - NIGHT
ANAKIN is standing in the living room. He is in a
meditative state. It is quiet. We hear DISTANT
FOOTSTEPS in the corridor outside the apartment.
Suddenly ANAKIN'S eyes pop open. His eyes dart
around the room. He reaches for his lightsaber, then
smiles and puts it back in his belt.
The door to the apartment slides open, and OBI-WAN
enters.
OBI-WAN
Captain Typho has more than enough
men downstairs. No assassin will
try that way. Any activity up
here?
ANAKIN
Quiet as a tomb. I don't like
just waiting here for something to
happen to her.
OBI-WAN checks a palm-sized view scanner he has
pulled out of his utility belt. It shows a shot of ARTOO
by the door, but no sign of PADME on the bed.
OBI-WAN
What's going on?
ANAKIN shrugs.
ANAKIN
She covered that camera. I don't
think she liked me watching her.
OBI-WAN
What is she thinking?
ANAKIN
She programmed Artoo to warn us if
there's an intruder.
OBI-WAN
It's not an intruder I'm worried
about. There are many other ways
to kill a Senator.
ANAKIN
I know, but we also want to catch
this assassin. Don't we, Master?
OBI-WAN
You're using her as bait??
ANAKIN
It was her idea... No harm will
come to her. I can sense
everything going on in that room.
Trust me.
OBI-WAN
It's too risky... and your senses
aren't that attuned, young
apprentice.
ANAKIN
And yours are?
OBI-WAN
Possibly.
INT. SENATE BUILDING, AMIDALA'S APARTMENT,
BEDROOM - NIGHT
As PADME sleeps, a PROBE DROID approaches
outside her window. It sends out several small arms
that attach to the window, creating sparks that shut
down the security system. Then a large arm cuts a
small hole in the glass. A FAINT SOUND is heard as
the small section of glass is removed from the
window.
ARTOO wakes up, and his lights go on. The PROBE
DROID freezes. ARTOO looks around, makes a
PLAINTIVE LITTLE SOUND, then shuts down again.
The PROBE DROID attaches a little tube to the
window. TWO DEADLY LOOKING CENTIPEDE-LIKE
KOUHUNS exit the tube, crawl through the blinds and
head toward the sleeping PADME.
INT. SENATE BUILDING, AMIDALA'S APARTMENT,
MAIN ROOM - NIGHT
ANAKIN and OBI-WAN continue their conversation in
the main room of the apartment.
OBI-WAN
You look tired.
ANAKIN
I don't sleep well, anymore.
OBI-WAN
Because of your mother?
ANAKIN
I don't know why I keep dreaming
About her now. I haven't seen her
since I was little.
OBI-WAN
Dreams pass in time.
ANAKIN
I'd rather dream of Padmé. Just
Being around her again is...
intoxicating.
OBI-WAN
Mind your thoughts, Anakin, they
betray you. You've made a
commitment to the Jedi order... a
commitment not easily broken...
and don't forget she's a
politician. They're not to be
trusted.
ANAKIN
She's not like the others in the
Senate, Master.
OBI-WAN
It's been my experience that
Senators are only focused on
pleasing those who fund their
campaigns... and they are more
than willing to forget the
niceties of democracy to get those
funds.
ANAKIN
Not another lecture, Master. Not
on the economics of politics....
It's too early in the morning... and
besides, you're generalising. The
Chancellor doesn't appear to
be corrupt.
OBI-WAN
Palpatine's a politician, I've
observed that he is very clever at
following the passions and
prejudices of the Senators.
ANAKIN
I think he is a good man. My
instincts are very positive
about...
ANAKIN looks stunned. He looks sharply at OBI-WAN
OBI-WAN
I sense it, too.
INT. SENATE BUILDING, AMIDALA'S APARTMENT,
BEDROOM - NIGHT
ARTOO sounds an alarm and shines a light on the
bed. THE KOUHUNS are inches from PADME'S face.
Their mouths are open, and wicked stinger tongues
flick out.
OBI-WAN and ANAKIN burst into the room. The
KOUHUNS stand on their hind legs and hiss as
PADME wakes up. ANAKIN throws himself in front of
her, whacking in half the deadly creatures with his
lightsaber.
OBI-WAN sees the DROID outside the window and
raqces straight at it, crashing through the blinds as he
goes through the window.
EXT. WINDOW LEDGE, APARTMENT BUILDING -
NIGHT
OBI-WAN flies through the glass window and flings
himself at the PROBE DROID, grabbing onto the
deadly machine before it can flee. The PROBE
DROID sinks under the weight of OBI-WAN but
manages to stay afloat and fly away, with the Jedi
hanging on for dear life, a hundred stories above the
city.
INT. SENATE BUILDING, AMIDALA'S APARTMENT -
NIGHT
ANAKIN and PADME stare at the sight of OBI-WAN
being carried off by the DROID. ANAKIN turns to her.
She pulls her nightdress around her shoulders.
ANAKIN
Stay here!
CAPTAIN TYPHO, with TWO GUARDS and DORME,
enter the room as Anakin dashes out.
EXT. CITYSCAPE, CORUSCANT - NIGHT
The PROBE DROID sends several protective
electrical shocks across its surface, causing OBI-WAN
to almost lose his grip. As they dart in and out of the
speeder traffic, OBI-WAN disconnects a wire on the
back of the DROID. Its power shuts off! OBI-WAN and
the DROID drop like rocks. OBI-WAN realises the
error of his ways and quickly puts the wire back. The
DROID'S systems light up again and it takes off.
EXT. SENATE APARTMENTS - ENTRANCE - NIGHT
ANAKIN charges out of the building and runs to a line
of parked speeders. He vaults into an open one and
takes off, gunning it fast toward the lines of speeder
traffic high above.
EXT. CITYSCAPE, CORUSCANT - NIGHT
The DROID bumps against a wall, hoping to knock the
Jedi loose. It moves behind a speeder afterburner to
scorch him. It takesthe JEDI wildly between buildings
and finally skims across a rooftop as OBI-WAN is
forced to lift his legs, tenaciously hanging onto the
DROID. The DROID heads for a dirty, beat-up
speeder hidden in an alcove of a building about
twenty stories up. When the pilot of the speeder, a
scruffy bounty hunter called ZAM WESELL, sees the
DROID approach with OBI-WAN hanging on, she pulls
a long rifle out of the speeder and starts to fire at the
JEDI. EXPLOSIONS burst all around OBI-WAN.
OBI-WAN
I have a bad feeling about this.
FINALLY, the DROID suffers a direct hit and blows up.
OBI-WAN falls fifty stories, until a speeder drops down
next to him, and he manages to grab onto the back
end of the speeder and haul himself toward the
cockpit. The JEDI struggles to climb into the
passenger seat of the open speeder and sit down next
to the driver, ANAKIN.
ANAKIN
That was wacky! I almost lost you
in the traffic.
OBI-WAN
What took you so long?
ANAKIN
Oh, you know, Master, I couldn't
find a speeder I really liked,
with an open cockpit... and with
the right speed capabilities...
and then you know I had to get a
really gonzo color...
They zoom upward in hot pursuit of ZAM asshe fires
out the open window at them with her laser pistol.
OBI-WAN
If you'd spend as much time
working on your saber skills as
you do on your wit, young Padawan,
you would rival Master Yoda as a
swordsman.
ANAKIN
I thought I already did.
OBI-WAN
Only in your mind, my very young
apprentice. Careful!! Hey, easy!!
As this conversation is going on, ANAKIN deftly
moves in and out of the oncoming traffic, across
lanes, between buildings, and miraculously through a
construction site. ZAM WESELL continues firing at
them.
ANAKIN
Sorry, I forgot you don't like
flying, Master.
OBI-WAN
I don't mind flying... but
what you're doing is suicide!
They barely miss a commuter train
ANAKIN
Master, you know I've been flying
since before I could walk. I'm very
good at this.
OBI-WAN
Just slow down!
ZAM WESSEL and the JEDI race through a line of
cross-traffic made up of giant trucks. The speeders
bank sideways as they slide around right-angle turns
between buildings. ZAM races into a tram tunnel.
OBI-WAN
(continuing)
Wait! Don't go in there!
ANAKIN zooms into the tunnel after ZAM. They see a
tram coming at them. They brake, turn around, and
race out, barely ahead of the charging commuter
transport.
OBI-WAN
(continuing)
You know I don't like it when you
do that!
ANAKIN
Sorry, Master. Don't worry, this
guy's gonna kill himself any
minute now!
ZAM WESSEL turns into oncoming traffic, deliberately
trying to throw the JEDI off. Oncoming speeders
swerve, trying to avoid ZAM and the JEDI. ZAM does
a quick, tight loop-over and ends up behind the JEDI.
She is now in a much better position to fire at them
with her laser pistol. To avoid being hit by the laser
bolts, ANAKIN slams on the brakes and moves
alongside ZAM. She now fires point-blank at OBIWAN.
OBI-WAN
What are you doing? He's gonna
blast me!
ANAKIN
Right - this isn't working.
ANAKIN slides underneath Zam's speeder. They race
along in traffic, one speeder right on top of the other.
The BOUNTY HUNTER skims over the rooftops,
causing ANAKIN to drop behind. ANAKIN goes
through his gears, zooming around traffic. They race
at high speed across a wide, flat surface of the city
planet. A large spacecraft almost collides with them as
it attempts to land. They round a corner and clip a
flag, which gets caught on one of the front air scoops.
OBI-WAN
That was too close!
ANAKIN
Clear that!
OBI-WAN
What??
ANAKIN
Clear the flag! We're losing
power! Hurry!
OBI-WAN leans out of the speeder, then crawls out
onto the front engine, pulling the flag free of the
scoop. The speeder lurches forward with a surge of
power.
OBI-WAN
Whooooaaa! Don't do that! I
don't like it when you do that!
ANAKIN
So sorry, Master.
They chase the BOUNTY HUNTER through a power
refinery.
OBI-WAN
It's dangerous near those power
couplings! Slow down! Don't go
through there!
Huge electrical bolts shoot between the buildings as
the speeders pass.
OBI-WAN
(continuing)
Yiiii, what are you doing?
ANAKIN
Sorry, Master!
OBI-WAN
(sarcastically)
Oh, that was good...
ANAKIN
That was crazy!!!
ZAM slides around a corner sideways, blocking an
alley, firing point-blank as ANAKIN approaches.
ANAKIN
(continuing)
Ahh, damn.
OBI-WAN
Stop!!
ANAKIN
No, we can make it.
ANAKIN barely misses the BOUNTY HUNTER'S
speeder as he dives under it, and through a small gap
in the building hitting several pipes and going wildly
out of control. ANAKIN struggles to regain control of
the speeder, narrowly missing a crane, barely clipping
a pair of giant struts. A giant gasball shoots up,
causing ANAKIN to spin and bump a building, stalling
the speeder.
OBI-WAN
I'm crazy... I'm crazy... I'm
crazy.
ANAKIN
But it worked... we made it.
OBI-WAN
(angrily)
It didn't work... we've stalled!
And you almost got us killed!
ANAKIN
I think we're still alive.
ANAKIN works to get the speeder started. It quickly
races to life.
OBI-WAN
(very angrily)
It was stupid!
ANAKIN
(sheepishly)
I could have made it...
OBI-WAN
(furious)
But you didn't!!! And now we've
lost him.
Suddenly, there is an ambush. Laser bolts fire
everywhere. EXPLOSIONS surround them. They look
up to see ZAM WESSEL take off.
ANAKIN
No we didn’t...
Out of a cloud of smoke and ball of flames the JEDI
tear after ZAM. They are . OBI-WAN slaps out the
small fire on the dashboard. ZAM goes up and down,
through cross-traffic. There is a near miss as a
speeder almost hits them. ZAM turns down and left
between two buildings. ANAKIN pulls up and to the
right
OBI-WAN
Where are you going?! He went
down there, the other way.
ANAKIN
This is a shortcut... I think.
OBI-WAN
What do you mean, ‘You think?’
What kind of shortcut?! He went
completely the other way! You’ve
lost him!
ANAKIN
Master, if we keep this chase
going, that creep’s gonna end up
deep fried. Personally, I’d very
much like to find out who in the
hell he is and who he’s working
for...
OBI-WAN
(sarcastic)
Oh, so that’s why we’re going in
the wrong direction.
ANAKIN turns up a side street, zooming up several
small passageways, then stops, hovering about fifty
stories up.
OBI-WAN
(continuing)
Well, you lost him.
ANAKIN
I’m deeply sorry, Master.
ANAKIN looks around front and back. He spots
something. He seems to
start counting to himself as he watches something
below approach.
ANAKIN
(continuing)
Excuse me for a moment.
ANAKIN jumps out of the speeder. OBI-WAN looks
down and sees Zam’s speeder about five stories
below them cruising past. ANAKIN miraculously lands
on top of the Bounty Hunter’s speeder. The speeder
wobbles under the impact. ZAM looks up and realises
what has happened.
ZAM takes off, and ANAKIN slides to the back strut
and almost slips off, but manages to hang on.
ANAKIN works his way back to the speeder’s cockpit,
just as ZAM stops suddenly, and ANAKIN flies forward
to the left front fork. ZAM shoots at him with a laser
pistol. There is a BLAST near ANAKIN'S hand, which
breaks off a piece of the speeder. ANAKIN slides to
the right fork of the speeder, where ZAM can’t reach
him. He scrambles to the top, holding onto an air
scoop.
OBI-WAN has jumped into the driver’s seat of his
speeder and is deftly gaining on the rogue speeder.
The two speeders dive through oncoming traffic and
then through cross traffic. Finally, ANAKIN is able to
get hold of his lightsaber and starts to cut his way
through the roof of the speeder. ZAM takes out her
laser pistol and starts firing at the helpless JEDI,
knocking the sword out of his hand. OBI-WAN races
under the speeder and catches the Jedi weapon in the
passenger’s seat.
ANAKIN sticks his hand into the cockpit and, using the
Force, pulls the gun out of ZAM’S hand. She grabs
the Jedi’s hand, and they struggle for the weapon. It
goes off, blowing a hole in the floor of the speeder.
The speeder careens wildly out of control. ZAM
struggles to pull the speeder out of it’s nose dive. OBIWAN gets slowed down by traffic and loses sight of
the Bounty Hunter’s speeder.
Just as the dragster is about to nose dive into the
ground, ZAM pulls it out, and it slides hard on the
pavement in a shower of sparks. ANAKIN goes flying
into the street.
EXT. ENTERTAINMENT STREET - NIGHT
ZAM exits the crashed speeder and runs. ANAKIN
picks himself up off the pavement and runs down the
very crowded street.
It's the seedy underbelly of the city. Broken sidewalks,
garish lights reflected on the filthy puddles. It's pretty
crowded with various ALIEN LOW-LIFES,
PANHANDLING DROIDS, and the occasional group
of UPPERCLASS SLUMMERS.
ANAKIN barges into several of them as he chases
after the fleeing ZAM. He loses the Bounty Hunter in
the crowd, them sees him again. The young Jedi is
having a very difficult time getting through the crowd.
Ahead, ZAM turns in through a door and disappears.
A nightclub sighs is flashing over the door. ANAKIN is
just about to follow ZAM when there is a sudden swirl
of litter from downthrusters. PEOPLE start moving out
of the way, and the open speeder lands in the street
beside him. OBI-WAN gets out and walks over,
holding out ANAKIN'S lightsaber.
OBI-WAN
Anakin!
ANAKIN
She went into that club, Master.
OBI-WAN
Patience.
OBI-WAN hands ANAKIN the lightsaber.
OBI-WAN
(continuing)
Here. Next time try not to lose it.
ANAKIN
Sorry, Master.
ANAKIN reaches for the lightsaber, but OBI-WAN
holds it back.
OBI-WAN
A Jedi's saber is his most
precious possession.
ANAKIN
Yes, Master.
He reaches for the lightsaber, OBI-WAN pulls it back.
OBI-WAN
He must keep it with him at all
times.
ANAKIN
I know, Master.
OBI-WAN
This weapon is your life!
ANAKIN
I've heard this lesson before...
OBI-WAN finally holds out the lightsaber and ANAKIN
grabs it.
OBI-WAN
But, you haven't learned anything,
Anakin.
ANAKIN
I try, Master.
INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
OBI-WAN and ANAKIN enter the nightclub bar, and
everyone stares at them
OBI-WAN
Why do I think you are going to be
the death of me?!
ANAKIN
Don't say that Master... You're
the closest thing I have to a
father... I love you. I don't want
to cause you pain.
OBI-WAN
Then why don't you listen to me?!
ANAKIN
I will. I'll do better, I promise.
OBI-WAN
Do you see him him?
ANAKIN
I think he's a she...
OBI-WAN
Then be extra careful...
(nods to a room)
Check it out.
OBI-WAN goes away.
ANAKIN
Where are you going, Master?
OBI-WAN
To get a drink.
OBI-WAN heads for the bar. ANAKIN blinks in
surprise, then moves into the room, where ALIEN
FACES look back at him with hostility, suspicion, and
invitation as he moves among the tables. OBI-WAN
arrives at the bar. He signals the BARMAN.
CLOSE - Somewhere in the room a HAND moves to a
pistol in its holster and unsnaps the safety catch. At
the bar, a glass is placed in from of OBI-WAN. A drink
is poured. He lifts the glass.
ELAN SLEAZEBAGGANO
Wanna buy some death sticks?
OBI-WAN looks at him. He moves his fingers slightly.
OBI-WAN
You don't want to sell me death-
sticks.
ELAN
I don't want to sell you death-
sticks.
OBI-WAN moves his fingers.
OBI-WAN
You want to go home and rethink
your life.
ELAN
I want to go home and rethink my
life.
He leaves. OBI-WAN lifts the drink and tosses it back.
CLOSE. The gun is drawn from its holster and held
down out of sight. The BOUNTY HUNTER starts to
move toward the bar.
ANAKIN checks out ALIEN FACES. OBI-WAN signals
for another drink. The gun moves toward his
unsuspecting back.
The drink is poured. OBI-WAN reaches for it. The gun
is raised to aim directly at his back, and suddenly OBIWAN turns fast. His lightsaber flashes. There is a shrill
SCREAM and ZAM'S ARM hits the floor. The gun
drops from its twitching fingers. Blood spreads.
The room is silent. ALIENS rise menacingly from their
seats, and ANAKIN is suddenly at OBI-WAN's side,
his lightsaber glowing.
ANAKIN
Easy... Official business. Go
back to your drinks.
Slowly, the ALIENS sit. Conversation resumes.
Onstage, THE PERFORMERS pick up their routine.
OBI-WAN and ANAKIN lift ZAM and carry her out.
EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
OBI-WAN and ANAKIN carry ZAM into the alley and
lower her to the ground. OBI-WAN attends to her
wounded shoulder. She stares up hatefully at
ANAKIN. She winces in pain, then nods.
OBI-WAN
Do you know who it was you were
trying to kill?
ZAM WESSEL
The Senator from Naboo.
OBI-WAN
Who hired you?
ZAM glares at OBI-WAN.
ZAM WESSEL
It was just a job.
ANAKIN
Tell us!
ZAM WESSEL
That Senator's gonna die soon
anyway, and the next one won't
make the same mistake I did...
OBI-WAN
This wound's going to need
treatment.
ANAKIN
Who hired you? Tell us... tell us
now!
ZAM glares hatefully.
ZAM
It was a Bounty Hunter called...
There is a sudden FTZZZ sound. ZAM twitches. She
blinks in surprise and dies.
There is a WEOOSH from above. OBI-WAN and
ANAKIN look up yo see an ARMOURED ROCKETMAN taking off from a roof high above. OBI-WAN
looks down at ZAM. He touches her neck and pulls
out a small, wicked-looking dart.
OBI-WAN
Toxic Dart...
INT. SENATE BUILDING, AMIDALA'S APARTMENT -
DAY
ANAKIN and JAR JAR stand near the door of the
anteroom to PADME'S
bedroom. PADME and DORME move about packing
luggage.
PADMÉ
Representative Binks. I know I can
count on you.
JAR JAR
Yousa betchen mesa bottums.
PADMÉ
What?!
JAR JAR
(coughs, recovers)
Oh, pardone-ay, Senator. I mean,
I am honoured to accept this heavy
burden. I take on this
responsibility with deep humility
tinged with an overwhelming pride.
(pompously)
It is not every day that I am
called upon to...
PADME kisses him on the cheek and gives him a hug.
JAR JAR turns red.
PADMÉ
You're a good friend, Jar Jar. I
don't wish to hold you up. I'm
sure you have a great deal to do.
JAR JAR
Of course, M'lady.
JAR JAR bows and goes out. As he passes ANAKIN,
he flashes a dazzling smile... PADME is in a very bad
mood.
PADMÉ
I do not like this idea of hiding.
ANAKIN
Don't worry. Now that the Council
has ordered an investigation, it
won't take Master Obi-Wan long to
find that bounty hunter.
PADMÉ
(frustrated)
I haven't worked for a year to
defeat the "Military Creation Act"
not to be here when its fate is
decided.
ANAKIN
Sometimes we have to let go of our
pride and do what is requested of
us.
PADMÉ
Pride?!? Annie, you're young, and
you don't have a very firm grip on
politics. I suggest you reserve
your opinions for some other time.
ANAKIN
Sorry, M'lady. I was only trying
to...
PADMÉ
Annie! No!
ANAKIN
Please don't call me that.
PADMÉ
What?
ANAKIN
Annie...
PADMÉ
I've always called you that... it
is your name, isn't it?
ANAKIN
It's Anakin. When you say Annie
it's like I'm still a little
boy... and I'm not.
PADMÉ
I'm sorry, Anakin. It's impossible
to deny you've...
(looks him over)
...that you've grown up.
PADME smiles at ANAKIN. He becomes a little shy.
ANAKIN
Master Obi-Wan manages not to see
it...
PADMÉ
Mentors have a way of seeing more
of our faults than we would like.
It's the only way we grow.
ANAKIN
Don't get me wrong... Obi-Wan is
a great mentor. As wise as Master
Yoda and as powerful as Master
Windu. I am truly thankful to be
his apprentice. Only... although
I'm a Padawan learner, in some
ways... a lot of ways... I'm ahead
of him. I'm ready for the trials.
I know I am! He knows it too. He
believes I'm too unpredictable...
Other Jedi my age have gone
through the trials and made it...
I know I started my training
late... but he won't let me move
on.
PADMÉ
That must be frustrating.
ANAKIN
It's worse... he's overly
critical. He never listens! He
just doesn't understand! It's not
fair!
PADME cannot surpress a laugh. She shakes her
head.
PADMÉ
I'm sorry... You sounded exactly
like that little boy I once knew,
when he didn't get his way.
ANAKIN
I'm not whining! I'm not.
PADME just smiles at him. DORME laughs in the
background.
PADMÉ
I didn't say it to hurt you.
ANAKIN
I know...
There is a brief silence. PADME comes over to
ANAKIN.
PADME
Anakin...
They look into each other's eyes for the first time.
PADMÉ
(continuing)
Don't try to grow up too fast.
ANAKIN
I am grown up. You said it
yourself.
ANAKIN looks deep into PADME'S eyes.
PADMÉ
Please don't look at me like that.
ANAKIN
Why not?
PADMÉ
Because I can see what you're
thinking.
ANAKIN
(laughing)
Ahh... so, you have Jedi powers
too?
DORME is watching with concern.
PADMÉ
It makes me feel uncomfortable.
ANAKIN
Sorry, M'lady.
ANAKIN backs away as PADME turns and goes back
to her packing.
EXT. CORUSCANT, SPACEPORT FREIGHTER
DOCKS, TRANSPORT BUS - DAY
A small bus speeds toward the massive freighter
docks of Coruscant's Industrial area. The spaceport is
bustling with activity. Transports of various sizes
moves supplies and passengers as giant floating
cranes lift cargo out of starships. The bus stops before
a huge intergalactic freighter starship. It parks in the
shadows of an overhang.
INT. CORUSCANT, SPACEPORT FREIGHTER
DOCKS, TRANSPORT BUS - DAY
ANAKIN and PADME, dressed in Outland peasant
outfits, get up and head for the door where CAPTAIN
TYPHO, DORME and OBI-WAN are waiting to hand
them their luggage. DORME is dressed to look like
Senator Amidala.
CAPTAIN TYPHO
Be safe, m'lady.
PADMÉ
Thank you, Captain. Take good
care of Dorme... the threat's on
you two now.
DORME
He'll be safe with me.
They laugh, and PADME embraces her faithful
handmaiden. DORME start to weep.
PADMÉ
You'll be fine.
DORME
It's not me, M'Lady. I worry
about you. What if they realise
I'm not you?
PADMÉ
(looks to Anakin)
Then my Jedi protector will have
to prove how grown up he is.
DORME and PADME smile. ANAKIN frowns as OBIWAN pulls him aside.
OBI-WAN
Anakin, you stay put on Naboo.
Do not attract any attention. Do
absolutely nothing without
checking in with me or the Council.
ANAKIN
Yes, Master.
OBI-WAN
(to Padme)
I will get to the bottom of this
plot quickly, M'Lady. You'll be
back here in no time.
PADMÉ
I will be most grateful for your
speed, Master Jedi.
ANAKIN
Time to go.
PADMÉ
I know.
PADME gives DORME a last hug. ANAKIN picks up
the luggage, and the TWO PEASANTS exit the
speeder bus, where ARTOO is waiting for them.
OBI-WAN
May the Force be with you.
ANAKIN
May the Force be with you, Master.
They head off toward the giant Starfreighter.
PADMÉ
Suddenly, I'm afraid...
ANAKIN
I'm kinda scared too. This is my
first assignment on my own.
PADMÉ
There's nothing to worry about...
35 regler, som fyre ønskede, at piger kendte:
1. Hvis du synes du er overvægtig, så er du det sikkert. Lad være med at
spørge os. Vi nægter at svare.
2. Lær at bruge toiletbrædtet. Du er en stor pige. Hvis det er oppe, så
slå det ned.
3. Lad være med at klippe dit hår - nogensinde. Langt hår er altid
pænere end kort hår. En af grundene til at fyre er bange for at gifte sig
er,
at gifte kvinder altid klipper deres hår, og bagefter hænger du på hende.
4. Fødselsdage, jubilæer o.s.v. er ikke prøver for at se om vi endnu
engang kan finde den perfekte gave!
5. Hvis du stiller spørgsmål som du ikke ønsker et svar på, så forvent
et svar du ikke ønsker at høre.
6. Nogen gange tænker jeg ikke på dig. Lær at leve med det.
7. Lad være med at spørge os hvad vi tænker på, hvis du ikke er parat
til at diskutere emner som biler, fodbold o.s.v.
8. Søndag = sport. Det er lige som fuldmåne og tidevandets skiften. Lad
det være sådan.
9. Indkøb er ikke en sportsgren - og nej, vi vil aldrig tænke på det som
sådan.
10. Når vi skal nogen steder, så er hvad som helst du har på helt fint.
Det er det virkeligt.
11. Du har tøj nok. Du har for mange sko.
12. At græde er afpresning.
13. Din ex-kæreste er en idiot.
14. Fortæl os hvad du vil. Lad os gøre dette helt klart: Skjulte
hentydninger virker ikke. Klare hentydninger virker ikke. Åbenlyse
hentydninger virker ikke. Bare sig det!
15. Nej, vi ved ikke hvilken dag det er i dag. Det gør vi aldrig. Skriv
mærkedage ind i en kalender og mind os jævnligt om dem i god tid.
16. De fleste fyre har tre par sko - højst. Hvad får dig til at tro, at
vi er i stand til at vælge hvilket par ud af 30 der passer bedst til dit
tøj?
17. Ja og Nej er helt acceptable svar til næsten alle spørgsmål.
18. Kom kun til os med et problem hvis du vil have hjælp til at løse
det.
Hvis du bare ønsker sympati, så brug dine veninder.
19. En hovedpine der varer 17 måneder er et problem. Gå til lægen.
20. Franske film er for franskmænd.
21. Tjek din olie. Vil du ikke nok.
22. Lad være med at simulere. Vi vil hellere være ineffektive end
bedrages.
23. Alt det vi sagde for 6 måneder siden er ubrugeligt i en diskussion.
Faktisk bliver alle vores udtalelser nulstillet og forældet efter 7
dage.
24. Hvis det vi siger kan forstås på to måder, og en af dem gør dig ked
af det eller gal, så mente vi det andet!!!!!!
25. Lad være med at gnide på lampen, hvis du ikke vil have ånden til at
komme ud.
26. Når det er muligt, så sig det du vil sige under reklamerne.
27. Christopher Columbus behøvede ikke at spørge om vej. Det gør vi
heller ikke.
28. Kvinder der bruger push-up BH og nedringet bluse mister deres
rettighed til at klage over at nogen stirrer på deres bryster. Flere
kvinder burde
bruge push-up BH og nedringede bluser. Vi elsker at stirre på bryster.
29. Vores forhold bliver aldrig som det var de første to måneder. Lev
med det. Og lad være med at pive over det til dine veninder, som om DERES
forhold er SÅ meget bedre.
30. ALLE mænd ser kun i 16 farver. Lige som Windows' standard opsætning.
Fersken er for eksempel ikke en farve, det er en frugt. Vi har ingen ide
om hvad cerise er.
31. Hvis det klør, vil vi klø. Sådan er vi.
32. Du kan enten spørge os om at gøre en ting ELLER fortælle hvordan du
vil have det gjort - ikke begge dele. Hvis du allerede ved hvordan det
gøres
bedst, så gør det selv.
33. Hvis det er VORES hus, så kan jeg ikke forstå hvorfor MINE ting
bliver smidt i skabet, på loftet, i kælderen eller endnu værre, i
skraldespanden.
34. Vi er ikke tankelæsere og bliver det aldrig. Vores manglende evner
til tankelæsning er ikke et bevis på, hvor lidt vi holder af dig.
35. Hvis vi spørger hvad der er galt og du siger "ingenting", så vil vi
opføre os som om der ingenting er galt. Vi ved at du lyver, men det er
ikke besværet værd.
Børn
At børn kan sige nogle sære ting er der vist ikke tvivl om se blot her, hvad Sally sendte mig;
Et plejehjem er et sted, hvor man opbevarer gamle mennesker og truer dem til at dele værelse med nogen
de ikke kan lide. De får mediciner og frikadeller, og hver lørdag får de formkage med rosiner. - (Lena 5 år).
På plejehjemmet sidder tænderne løse. Alle tager tænderne ud om aftenen og lægger dem på plads om
morgenen. Og så er der morgenbøn bagefter.(Camilla 6 år).
På hospitalet er der fyldt op med gamle mennesker. De er stuvet sammen. De har ofte brækket leddene eller
vredet halsen om på lårene. (Pernille 7år.)
Ældreomsorg er noget, de gamle må vænne sig til, hvad enten de kan lide det eller ej. (Anna 8 år)
Ældreomsorg er at dele sine sorger med de ældre. (Hans Anton 7 år)
Bedstemødre har meget store BHer. De er så store, at jeg kan få numsen og to knæ ind i den ene skal. I den
anden kan min bror sidde. (Kaja 7år)
Bedstemødre har store numser, fordi de har haft så mange siddende på skødet, at underkroppen er blevet
mast udad. (Henrik 8 år)
Det bedste jeg kan lide ved morfar er, at han er sig selv og ikke lader, som om han er et eller andet normalt
menneske. (Per-Ole 6 år)
Gamle damer lægger ikke æg. Nar man er omkring fyrre eller halvtreds år holder damerne op med at lægge.
Det vil sige, at de ikke længere kan producere mennesker. Rugningen begynder omkring fjortenårsalderen
og varer til middelalderen. (Johannes 8 år)
De ældre kan ikke få børn. Deres æggestokke er slidt på og desuden har mændene problemer med
protesen. (Stig Petter 9 år)
Gamle mænd kan ikke stive tissemanden så meget af. Hvis det alligevel lykkedes, så synker den sammen
med et suk. (Ronny Andre 7 år)
Hvis de gamle kunne få børn, ville det ikke være så godt. Plejehjemmene er overfyldte nok allerede, så
tænk, hvis der også kom masser af børnebørn og oldebørn der. (Johannes 8 år)
Hvis en mand siger "jeg elsker dig" til en gammel dame bliver hun rasende, fordi hun er træt af at høre på
det. (Lisa Therese 7 år)
Når man dør kommer man til Paris. (Kine 6 år)
Det er typisk Gud at være god. (Jenny 6 år)
Gud kommer egentlig fra Gudhjem. (Lars Henrik 5 år)
Gud er en blød mand. Han er næsten gennemsigtig. (Kate 6 år)
Det er Gud der ejer Solen. Han slår den fra om natten for at spare på strømmen. (Nicole 5 år)
Guds mor hedder Gudmor. Hun er mor til alle hans børnebørn: Moses, Jesus og Julemanden. (Henrik Andre
7 år)
At være engel er typisk kvindearbejde. (Anna 9 år)
Drenge ligner ikke engle. Ikke engang når de smiler. (Cornelia 7 år)
I Paradiset bruger de nogle grønne duske i stedet for underbukser. (Therese 7 år)
Jeg tror, det var en, der hed Mogens, som lavede de ti bud. (Karianne 7 år)
Jesus gik bare forbi et kors, og så blev han pludselig slået med en kæp og sømmet fast imod sin vilje. Så
korsede han sig. (Halvor 6 år)
Nogle kastede sten på hans grav. Derfor stod Jesus op og blev jøde. Og så blev der stor opstandelse. (Sofie
9 år)
Præsten klæder sig ofte i Adams pragt. Han læser fra Bibelen og synger Ære være Gud i øjet. (Jenny
Kristine 9 år)
En discipel er en slags æsel. (Rune 6 år)
Jeg har spist en discipel engang, men den smagte ikke særlig godt. (Sophie 7 år)
Menigheden er dem, der holder med præsten. (Mie 8 år)
Hvis man lægger sig på knæ oppe ved hegnet ind til præsten, får man hundekiks. (Frida 6 år)
De børn, der skal døbes, skal have en lang kjole på, selv om de er drenge. De er for små til at grine af det.
(Johnny 5 år)
Præster skal bl.a. være med til fødsel og dåb og konspiration og begravelse. (Christoffer 8 år)
Hvis man ikke vil være gift længere, fordi manden måske var dummere end man troede, så kan man skilles
som venner. (Silje Marie 7 år)
Og der findes to slags engle: Almindelige engle og skytsengle. Skytsengle er skudt ud af kanoner. Dem er
der lidt mere fart på. Og så er de ofte lidt mere stive i håret. (Anne Sophie 6 år)
I Danmark er det hvedebrødsdage hver dag med wienerbrød til morgenmad. (Morten 7 år)
Jeg har en hund som tror på Gud. (Ida 5 år)
En dame, jeg kender, er så kristen, at det hedder religiøs. Hun er lige så from som en kat. (Anne Merethe 8
år)
Reeza tror ikke på Gud, han tror på Allan. (Kate 6 år)
Når klokken er 12 vender alle sig mod Mekka og bider i kvasterne på tæppet. (Raymond 7 år)
Når nogen dør, bliver de lagt ned i jorden, og så siger præsten: Af jord er du kommet og der skal du blive. Så
tømmer han en spand Jord i hovedet på dig. (Hans Peter Hartsteen 9 år)
Man kan blive frelst eller totalfrelst; det kommer an på hvad man gider. (Ingrid Marie 8 år)
*** KÆRESTER set med børns øjne ***
- Hvis man har en kæreste og et marsvin, man godt kan lide, kan man
godt kende forskel. Kæresten, det er ham med hovedet.
(Ann 7 år)
- Jeg vil meget hellere have et kæledyr end en kæreste. For jeg synes,
katte er pænere end piger....
(Søren 8 år)
- ....det synes jeg også, kaniner er.
(Jimmy 7 år)
- Hvis man vil af med en kæreste, kan man bare rejse til Grønland og
skrive:"Jeg savner dig slet ikke".
(Cæcilie 8 år)
- Når man er forelsket, sidder den ene hjemme og drikker kaffe og ser
en lille film. Og så har den anden ryddet op.
(Henrik 6 år)
- Man kan mærke, man godt kan lide én ved at blive gift med hende.
(Danny 8 år)
- Man kan først få en kæreste, når man har bil. For ellers kan man ikke
finde hende.
(Alex 7 år)
- Man finder en kæreste i Tyrkiet. For de vil gerne.
(Esra 7 år)
- Hvis man støder ind i hinanden på gaden, og manden siger:"undskyld",
og damen siger:"Det gør ikke noget". Så kan det være de flytter sammen.
(Anna 7 år)
- Man kan score en kæreste henne i fritteren, i det rum, hvor der står
"FORBUDT" på døren.
(Maria 7 år)
- Man finder en kæreste inde i midtbyen, for der bor mange damer. De
gider nemlig ikke gå rundt og passe grise.
(Søren 8 år)
- Jeg kan ikke rigtig huske, hvordan Pernille og jeg blev kærester. For
det er faktisk mange år siden.
(Rune 6 år)
- Man kan finde en kæreste, hvis man reder sit hår hver dag, indtil hun
siger ja.
(Jonas 7 år)
- Hvis man bliver forelsket, spørger man:"Hej, vil du godt lige giftes
med mig?".
(Sandra 7 år)
- Hvis jeg ikke kan få dén, jeg er forelsket i, bliver jeg ikke ked af
det, fordi jeg er tyrker.
(Cigdem 8 år)
- Man går hen til en og spørger, om de vil være kærester. Så siger d
enter "ja" eller "nej"...
(Claus 8 år)
-...eller også svarer de slet ikke.
(Jimmy 9 år)
- Hver gang man bliver gift skal man have en ring på. Så man kan kun
blive gift med ti.
(Kirstine 7 år)
- Der er en sang om at general Napoleon var gift med 10.000....
(Marco 8 år)
- Hvis man ikke vil være kærester mere behøver man ikke smide ting i
hovedet på hinanden.
(Andreas 9 år)
- Hvis nu ens kæreste går ud en aften, fordi han lige skal ned og købe
nogle cigaretter, og han bliver slået ned, og han skal på hospitalet,
og man ikke kan få ham hjem. Så er det ikke sjovt at være forelsket i
ham.
(Tania 9 år)
- Da min mor fandt en kæreste, inviterede hun ham hjem. Så blev han der
lidt, indtil han fandt en kæreste.
(Kim 7 år)
- Man er forelsket, indtil man har født et barn. Og så er han alt for
fuld.
(Madeeha 7 år)
- Når man har fundet en kæreste, lover man hende at gå i København og
spise shawarma.
(Sammey 7 år)
- Jeg ved, jeg ikke bliver skilt, for hun sagde:"Amar halshug".
Så hvis hun lyver, kan jeg bare halshugge hende.
(Thomas 8 år)
- Hvis kæresten laver en kage til manden, og manden ikke gider spise
kagen, så finder han en anden kæreste....
(Sammey 7 år)
- ...det er nok fordi, han ikke kan lide kagen.
(Steffen 6 år)
- Jalousi er, når damen siger:"Hej, skal vi ikke gå op i seng nu?". Og
næste morgen begynder hun at pakke.
(Kirstine 7 år)