Protocols are specific actions or types of behavior that reinforce a D/s dynamic. They are chosen to strengthen the bond in a power exchange relationship. They also show other people that this bond is important to those in the dynamic.

Protocols can be a single simple rule, such as “Wear your necklace to BDSM events.” Or it can be a group of complex behaviors, like serving dinner at a formal Domme event.

When talking about a group of behaviors, or a long period of behavior, or the default interaction between the Dominant and submissive, this is referred to as “Protocol.” 

There are three levels of Protocol:

1.  High Protocol. Usually reserved for specific events or limited periods of time. For example, serving Dominants at an event, or formal behavior at a fancy dinner.

2.  Medium Protocol. Day-to-day behavior. These can include calling your Dominant an honorific like “Sir” or "Mistress," sitting at their feet, or thanking them for having sex with you.

3.  Low Protocol. When Dominant and sub are being casual or in a vanilla setting. Expressing the dynamic may be inappropriate so there may be no Protocol in force at all.

Questions:

• What are your Protocols?

• What Protocols are important to you, and why?

• What new Protocols would you like to negotiate for your dynamic?

Further Reading

Miss Rosalie, Silken Claws.com: Low, Medium & High Protocol: Understanding the Levels 

For more information, find us on FetLife as DSPNW, or email dspacificnorthwest@gmail.com.

There are four basic types of needs in any relationship, and these also apply to each partner in a polyamorous arrangement.

• Emotional needs: Feeling loved, supported, valued, and understood

• Physical needs: Physical affection and/or sexual intimacy

• Social needs: Spending time together, shared activities, and companionship

• Intellectual needs: Having meaningful conversations and sharing ideas

Meeting needs in polyamorous relationships requires thinking about not just one partner, but two or more. Here are some important actions that will help:

• Maintaining open and consistent communication

• Respecting individual boundaries and rules

• Setting clear expectations with each partner involved

• Addressing emotional, physical, social, and intellectual needs for each partner

• Making sure each partner feels valued and supported

How can you help yourself achieve these goals? Pay attention to some key aspects of creating and sustaining healthy polyamorous relationships.

Boundary setting:
Clearly define personal boundaries with each partner, including expectations around communication, intimacy levels, and emotional availability. Set boundaries about partners having influence on your other relationships.

Open communication:
Schedule regular conversations to discuss your needs, desires, and concerns with each partner. Share details about what kind of quality time, intimacy, and emotional support you require. Check in on how everyone is feeling and any concerns that have arisen. 

Individual needs:
Understand that each partner will have different needs - perhaps even different than your own. Spreading *equal* time or attention among partners may not fit your bandwidth or your partners’ needs. Think more about treating each partner *equitably*. Give to them according to their unique situation and your best ability.

Quality time:
Dedicate specific time for one-on-one interactions with each partner to maintain a strong connection. Nothing beats time in-person, but video dates, phone calls, or text messages can be used to connect - depending on what is feasible, and your partner’s preference for contact.

Jealousy management:
Acknowledge that jealousy is likely to arise. It may be due to insecure attachment, abandonment issues, or needs not being met. Fear of missing out (FOMO) can cause envy. Make sure each partner feels valued and supported. Have open conversations about how you can manage jealousy and envy in a healthy manner.

Respect for other partners:
Treat each partner with respect, and avoid comparisons between them.  (As the saying goes, “comparison is the thief of joy.”) Practice seeing metamours as people worthy of respect, not as threats to your relationship. Be considerate even if you don’t interact. 

Negotiation and compromise:
Be willing to find solutions that work for everyone in the relationship. Compromise means everyone may not get everything they want, but the goal is to meet core needs. Negotiate about expectations, and the physical and emotional bandwidth you can invest in each partner. Love may be infinite, but your time and energy are not.

Advice and support:
Seek people outside of your relationships that you can rely on, such as friends or mentors. Attend munches and discussion groups. Consider individual or couple’s counseling. An empathetic, objective, and/or professional perspective can help you grapple with challenges that will surely arise.

Resources:

RADAR Relationship Review https://www.multiamory.com/radar 

Practical Jealousy Management https://www.morethantwo.com/practicaljealousy.pdf 

When a partner says "I love you," it's impossible that they love you the exact way you love them. They are a different person, after all, with their own history and predilections for emotion. But it's vital to know about those differences. The ideal, of course, is that you not love each other exactly the same, but to the same level of commitment.

I came across a list of questions from Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson (adapted below). These measure accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement - three vital areas for interacting with any partner. They are a good guideline for discovering how a partner feels about you, no matter what words you and a partner exchange about affection.

• Do I matter to you?

• Are you there for me?

• Can I reach you?

• Will you come when I need you?

• Do you need me?

• Will you respond to my emotions?

• Will you value me and stay close?

And I'll add a couple of my own:

• Will you bring up relationship concerns as they occur?

• Will you communicate & negotiate with me if you're thinking about breaking up?

Ideally, in a committed relationship, a partner would be able to answer "yes" to each of these questions. If they can't - well those questions become areas for further discussion. No that a "yes" on each is the end of a discussion. Either reply is worth expanding on and evaluating. But if you're not on the same page - if your emotions for each other very in their depth and dedication - then that's an indication of imbalance. Which you will need to accept, or move on.

Emotions can vary in short-term or casual relationships too. What happens if you fall in love with a casual play partner? Or they fall in love with you? These feelings should be disclosed, or they can cause serious anxiety if they are kept quiet. Again, you are risking the end of the relationship. But you shouldn't stay in a relationship that doesn't meet your emotional needs, even if other needs are met. I've made that mistake and suffered for it, denying my needs not to "rock the boat."

All in all, it's best that each partner understands as much as possible how the other partner feels. Because love comes in all shapes and sizes - and you need to know if the kind of love being offered meets your needs, if you need to find a relationship that does - or if you're willing to live with an imbalance.

"I love you" means different things to different people. Assuming the same level of commitment from a partner leads to misunderstanding and suffering.

For more information, find us on FetLife as DSPNW, or email dspacificnorthwest@gmail.com.