A hard limit is something a person will not do. A boundary is a line beyond which someone will not go.

When someone sets a boundary, respect it. Full stop. 

If they can explain the boundary, that’s great. It might make you feel better - but it doesn’t necessarily make them feel better. Maybe there’s a story behind it they don’t want to tell. Maybe there’s a trauma they don’t want to touch. Maybe they don’t know you well enough to try to explain. It would require more background than they’re willing to share. 

If you have a relationship where you’ve set expectations of explanation, that’s great. Communication is essential and in my estimation, the number one element to a successful relationship. But the first, most fundamental thing a partner needs to communicate is consent. If they don’t consent to explain, there’s a reason. Maybe they don’t tell you because they’re afraid you’ll think it’s not a very good reason, or try to minimize their trauma, or you’re good intentioned but just won’t get it because you don’t have their lived experience. 

In other words, maybe they don’t trust you with the information.

Lack of trust is a huge issue. And there are absolutely things in a relationship that must be disclosed. Otherwise you're not just withholding information - you're lying. If you're doing impact play and don't disclose a pertinent medical issue, you're lying.  If you’re dating and don’t disclose that you’re married, you’re lying. If you’re fluid bonded and you don’t disclose partners and practices, you’re lying. These are lies of omission, and they are just as wrong as lying to someone’s face. Disclosure is an essential part of establishing trust. And trust is a bedrock for establishing and maintaining a relationship,

There are areas where a partner has a duty to disclose. And there are areas they don’t.

If it doesn’t affect your safety in the relationship, sometimes you have to trust that your partner has good reason to withhold details - if they are actually traumatic. That partner might need help with their trauma, and you might not be the right one to give it to them. Maybe it’s someone else. Maybe it’s a friend who has similar life experience, or is just more objective because they don’t have a partnership at stake. Maybe it’s a mental health professional or spiritual advisor. Maybe it isn’t you, and you just need to offer support, and whatever guidance they consent to accept. 

If they want it, help them find a friend or mentor. Help them find a professional. But you can’t and shouldn’t force them. 

I’ve known relationships to end in situations where not knowing what was going on with a partner was hurting both of them, and making the relationship untenable. I’ve known people who sorely needed help and wouldn’t accept it from their partner, or seek it from anyone. In that case it’s impossible for a partner to address what is wrong, because it’s larger than the relationship. But sometimes it’s just beyond the boundaries of the relationship..

If you can’t tell if a partner is lying or just protecting themselves, try to be empathetic. Ask yourself, “if I had this boundary, how would I deal with it?” Still, knowing that everyone deals with trauma differently, you may not understand. So if it doesn’t break confidentiality, seek counsel. When dealing with someone’s trauma, a partner needs support, too. But whatever happens, respect a person’s right to be private with their most intimate struggles. 

Ideally in a long-term relationship or friendship they will let you in. Then search inside yourself for your best wisdom, really consider the best way you can help - unselfishly. Perhaps with time and trust the other person will negotiate a new boundary. But that day may never come. 

It might be exceedingly inappropriate for a trauma survivor to disclose to someone they’ve just met, or they have a merely casual connection with. Some people can talk about their assault or breakdown or other trauma openly, to new intimates or even to strangers. Some have made it their cause and responsibility to help others who experienced similar trauma. But to a one, those brave souls have spent time processing and receiving help. Sometimes years of time. There are some things we can’t get over alone. But some things we need time to deal with within ourselves before we can be open to others.

No matter how close the relationship, you will always be an “other” when it comes to very personal trauma. No matter how empathetic or understanding. Even someone who has experienced the same kind of trauma can’t be in another person’s head. The best that you can hope for is to be an ally, or an anchor, or a sympathetic ear, to aid healing. 

Sometimes a person heals enough to incorporate it into their kink. Or even heals with the *help* of kink. Although we must always be mindful that kink is *not* formal therapy. Trauma-informed kink is nearly as intimate as you can get with someone. It can be an aid to, not a substitute for, professional help.

Someone you barely know? They owe you nothing. Besides drawing a clear line in the sand. Even if that line isn’t as clear as you’d like. Pay attention. 

Because there’s always a reason. And there’s always a correct response. And that is respect.

Sir Panda is a Seattle-area kinkster and polyamory practitioner for the last 40 years. He facilitates the View From the Top online Dominant Discussion group on the fourth Tuesdays of the month, hosted by the Center for Sex Positive Culture.

I came across a list of questions from Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson (adapted below). These measure accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement - three vital areas for interacting with any partner. They are a good guideline for discovering how a partner feels about you, no matter what words you and a partner exchange about affection.

• Do I matter to you?

• Are you there for me?

• Can I reach you?

• Will you come when I need you?

• Do you need me?

• Will you respond to my emotions?

• Will you value me and stay close?

And I'll add a couple of my own:

• Will you bring up relationship concerns as they occur?

• Will you communicate & negotiate with me if you're thinking about breaking up?

Ideally, in a committed relationship, a partner would be able to answer "yes" to each of these questions. If they can't - well those questions become areas for further discussion. No that a "yes" on each is the end of a discussion. Either reply is worth expanding on and evaluating. But if you're not on the same page - if your emotions for each other very in their depth and dedication - then that's an indication of imbalance. Which you will need to accept, or move on.

Emotions can vary in short-term or casual relationships too. What happens if you fall in love with a casual play partner? Or they fall in love with you? These feelings should be disclosed, or they can cause serious anxiety if they are kept quiet. Again, you are risking the end of the relationship. But you shouldn't stay in a relationship that doesn't meet your emotional needs, even if other needs are met. I've made that mistake and suffered for it, denying my needs not to "rock the boat."

All in all, it's best that each partner understands as much as possible how the other partner feels. Because love comes in all shapes and sizes - and you need to know if the kind of love being offered meets your needs, if you need to find a relationship that does - or if you're willing to live with an imbalance.

"I love you" means different things to different people. Assuming the same level of commitment from a partner leads to misunderstanding and suffering.