Celebrity Jeopardy

This is a pretty hilarious skit I wrote up wayyy back in 2004 for a freshman literature class in high school. We were studying Romeo and Juliet and were assigned to do some sort of skit presenting info on Shakespeare's Time (yeah, the idea seemed kind of pathetic even back then), so I ended up using Saturday Night Live's Celebrity Jeopardy segment as inspiration and just wrote my group's script single-handedly. I played the role of Trebeck, of course.

Elizabethan Skit—Daily Life in Shakespeare's Time

Trebeck: Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm your host, Alex Trebeck. If you're just joining us now, I strongly suggest that you watch something else.

Let's take a look at the scores, shall we?

Here, we have our returning champion, William Shakespeare, who is currently behind with -$200 dollars.

Shakespeare: What art thou speaking of, this negative business? Thou shall not impose such a fine on me!

Trebeck: You're playing for charity. You don't have to pay anything.

Shakespeare: Oh. Very well, then.

Trebeck: Moving on, we have our challenger, John Doe, who claims to be a celebrity of some sort, even though no one's ever heard of him.

John: The name's Joe Schmoe!

Trebeck: Sure it is, John.

Either way, you seem to be in the lead with $2.

I don't know how he managed to get exactly $2, but he's winning nonetheless.

John: Um...of course I am. I'm Joe Schmoe!

Trebeck: And finally, we have Arnold Schwarzenneger, who is currently in last place with an amazing -$5000.

Arnold: It's because of these taxes!

Trebeck: Rrriight...

Moving on, let's take a look at our categories for Double Jeopardy.

We have "Potpourri", "Words that end in '-anana'", "Colors", "Daily Life in Shakespeare's Time", "The Alphabet", and "Months that start with 'Feb-'".

You there, whoever you are, you're in the lead, so pick a category.

John: Uh...yeah...I'll pass.

Trebeck: Oo-kay...smart move...I guess...

Why don't you pick a category for him, Shakespeare?

Shakespeare: I'll take Astronomy.

Trebeck: Umm...There is no "Astronomy" on the board.

Shakespeare: Oh. Very well, then. I'll take Daily Life in Shakespeare's time.

Trebeck: For how much?

Shakespeare: Ah heck, I'll take it for a million dollars.

Trebeck: Okay, you know what? Let's just take Daily Life in Shakespeare's time for $200.

Here's the clue.

This beverage is cheap to make and is a regular feature of social life.

Arnold: Steroids.

Trebeck: That's not a beverage, and you need to respond in the form of a question.

Arnold: Fine. Is the answer steroids?

Trebeck: I already told you, that's not a beverage!

Arnold: But I answered in the form of a question, yah?

Trebeck: Forget it. Time's up anyways. The correct answer was beer. People used to drink lots of beer back in Shakespeare's day.

You're still in the lead, John, so pick a category.

John: Err...Daily Life in Shakespeare's Time for $200 again.

Trebeck: You can't pick the same one twice.

John: I didn't pick it twice! Shakespeare was the one who chose it last time!

Trebeck: That doesn't matter! Let's just take Daily Life in Shakespeare's time for $400.

Here's the clue, and remember to respond in the form of a question.

This disease was the number one killer in Shakespeare's time.

Shakespeare: Oh, the sorrow of tomorrow is unjust, you see.

It is caused by that which flutters from the heart like a bird to the sea.

Trebeck: What the hell did you just say?

Arnold: Steroids.

Trebeck: That's not a disease, and you need to respond in the form of a question!

Arnold: Stop getting so upset about it. I'm telling you, the taxes are what's making you angry.

Trebeck: Enough about taxes, already.

Time's up. The number one killer was the contagious bubonic plague.

Shakespeare: That's what I said! It is caused by that which flutters from the heart like a bird to the sea.

Trebeck: Oo-kay...moving on, let's go to Daily Life in Shakespeare's time for $600.

John: Wait a minute. Don't I get to pick a category again?

Arnold: Yah. This is a democracy. You can't just take people's rights away.

Trebeck: This is just a game.

Arnold: Oh sure. That's what Gray Davis said.

Trebeck: Anyways...here's the clue.

This was the most common operation in Shakespeare's time.

Shakespeare: The piercing of the skin is like—

Trebeck: In English, please.

Shakespeare: Oh. Very well, then. I'll say amputation.

Arnold: Amputation? Obviously this government doesn't pay enough attention to healthcare benefits.

Trebeck: That was the right answer, but you needed to phrase your response in the form of a question.

John: Who is Amputation?

Trebeck: Amputation isn't a person's name.

John: Sure it is. My mother's name is Amputation.

Trebeck: Let's just skip to the next question.

Arnold: (sarcastically) Sure. Just ignore the people's problems. That'll get you elected.

Trebeck: I'm not running for anything.

Anyways, let's take a look at Daily Life in Shakespeare's Time for $800.

Here's the clue:

This was one of the goriest forms of executions performed in Shakespeare's time.

Arnold: Steroid overdose.

Trebeck: ...No.

I'll give you a hint: the executioner used a weapon to cut the head off.

John: A sword?

Trebeck: No.

John: A guilliotine?

Trebeck: No.

John: A spear?

Trebeck: No. It rhymes with "tax".

Arnold: Did someone say "tax"?

Trebeck: I said, the answer rhymes with "tax".

Shakespeare: Sacks rhymes with "tax". Did they use sacks to suffocate the victim?

Trebeck: They used a freaking axe! The answer was "death by axe".

Shakespeare: But "axe" doesn't rhyme with "tax".

Trebeck: Yes, it does.

Shakespeare: But not in Chinese.

Trebeck: ...I don't know what to say.

Let's just move on to Daily Life in Shakespeare's Time for $1000.

These were the three most common weapons used in street fights.

Arnold: Steroids?

Trebeck: No!

Shakespeare: Hmm...that which is uttered from thy mouth is stronger than any blade thou might wield.

Trebeck: I won't accept answers that I don't understand.

John: Daggers?

Trebeck: Oh my god, that's actually correct!

John: Do I win?

Trebeck: Not yet...there are still two more answers.

John: Um...swords?

Trebeck: Yes, yes!

John: And...claymores?

Trebeck: No...

John: Katanas?

Trebeck: No.

John: Shruikens?

Trebeck: No.

John: Nun-chucks?

Trebeck: No.

John: The legendary sword of mythology, Excalibur?

Trebeck: ...No.

I'm sorry, but it appears that you have run out of time. The most common weapons used in street fights were daggers, swords, and bare fists.

And since none of you have positive scores, I'm afraid no one will be advancing to Final Jeopardy.

This is your host, Alex Trebeck. Good night, and I'm sorry.