Twilight Chapter 4

Chapter Summary: Because Bella Swan is the most beautiful woman in the universe, guys are fighting over her. And she is in a foul mood because Edward is ignoring her.

Also, more evidence that Bella Swan is a crazy bitch.

In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Edward’s skin.

1. We get it, Stephenie Meyer.
2. Edward is a sparkling and Adonis prince who is a paragon of virtue along with being the most handsome man in the universe.
3. Stop reminding us every five seconds.

I couldn’t see his face, just his back as he walked away from me,

leaving me in the blackness.

Because without Edward, Bella’s life is a big black hole.

Oh my God!

Stephenie Meyer is a…

No matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t catch up to him;

Put the Twinkie down and start going to a gym.

no matter how loud I called, he never turned.

Translation: he’s not that into you.

Troubled, I woke in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep again for what seemed like a very long time.

After that, he was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never within reach.

”Where is my sparkling Adonis? I need him!”

The month that followed the accident was uneasy, tense, and, at first, embarrassing.

“Even though a guy was injured in a car accident, let’s focus on me!”

To my dismay, I found myself the center of attention for the rest of that week.

“Ew, filthy peasants! Don’t gawk at me!”

Tyler Crowley was impossible, following me around, obsessed with making amends to me somehow.

1. Riiight.
2. A guy that Bella doesn’t even know would be following her around like a puppy.
3. But silly me.
4. In Sue fiction, everyone must be fawning over the Mary Sue.

I tried to convince him what I wanted more than anything else was for him to forget all about it —

You are an attention whore.

especially since nothing had actually happened to me —

“But I still want attention and sympathy from the readers!”

Bella blithers on saying that Tyler is “insistent” on atoning for his mortal sin and now sits at her lunch table.

And Bella complains that Tyler is an “unwelcome fan” and Mike and Tyler are glaring at him because he tried to assassinate the Mary Sue.

No one seemed concerned about Edward,

“And that is sacrilegious! Kill the heretics!”

though I explained over and over that he was the hero —

“Erect a statue in his honor, peasants!”

how he had pulled me out of the way and had nearly been crushed, too.

“Why is everyone looking at me like I’m crazy?”

I tried to be convincing.

“I sang a song, drew them a picture, and then did an interpretative dance. But for some strange reason, they don’t believe me.”

But everyone always says that they didn’t see Edward until the van was pulled away.

Bella Swan wonders why nobody saw sparkledouche saving her life.

With chagrin,

And thanks to Twilight, I wish the word was never invented.

I realized the probable cause —

“It was because I had a shitload of LSD.”

no one else was as aware of Edward as I always was.

1. She barely knows a guy…
2. But according to Stephenie Meyer Bella knows EVERYTHING about him.
3. Gotta love the dazzling display of logic.

No one else watched him the way I did.

“Stalking someone isn’t creepy at all!”

How pitiful.

“Because people who aren’t obsessive stalkers are losers!”

Edward was never surrounded by crowds of curious bystanders eager for his firsthand account.

I’ll let this speak for itself.

Bella complains that people “avoided him as usual.”

The Cullens and the Hales sat at the same table as always, not eating, talking only among themselves.

1. For a girl that is supposed to be the most intelligent person in the universe…
2. She is a moron.
3. Most people would find it unusual that the Cullens and the Hales NEVER eat.
4. They might think that the Cullens and the Hales are anorexic.
5. While some people fast for a religious occasion…
6. They eat food once the occasion is over.
7. And if sparklepires believe that they are being covert, they are sorely mistaken.

And since Stephenie Meyer is a sadist, I am subjected to multiple paragraphs of Bella bitching and moaning because sparkledouche is ignoring her.

He wished he hadn’t pulled me from the path of Tyler ’s van — there was no other conclusion I could come to.

“Because without a man, my life isn’t worth living! Somebody fetch me the razor blades!”

Bella says she wants to talk to Edward and she tried the day after the accident. She adds that they were both “so furious.”

I still was angry that he wouldn't trust me with the truth, even though I was keeping my part of the bargain flawlessly.

1. You are telling everybody in school that Edward Cullen saved your life.
2. And “the bargain” was to keep your mouth shut.
3. So…
4. Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

But he had in fact saved my life, no matter how he’d done it.

“I’m the Author Sue! So there is no way that I had a hallucination!”

And, overnight, the heat of my anger faded into awed gratitude.

“Awed gratitude?” Puh-lease! More like

Anywho, Bella walks into Biology class and Edward is still ignoring her.

“Hello, Edward,” I said pleasantly, to show him I was going to behave myself.

“Note to self: resist the urge to kidnap Edward and chain him to the radiator in the basement.”

He turned his head a fraction toward me without meeting my gaze, nodded once, and then looked the other way.

1. How dare he?!
2. Doesn’t he know who Bella is?
3. She is Emo Bitch Extraordinaire and the Queen of Phoenix along with being the Author Sue.
4. To insult her is like flipping God the bird.

Bella kvetches that it was “the last contact I’d had with him though he was there, a foot away from me, every day.”

I watched him sometimes, unable to stop myself— from a distance, though, in the cafeteria or parking lot.

I watched as his golden eyes grew perceptibly darker day by day.

And for some strange reason, Bella doesn’t think this is Abby Normal.

Bella whines that she is “miserable” and how the “dreams continued.”

Despite my outright lies, the tenor of my e-mails alerted Renée to my depression, and she called a few times, worried. I tried to convince her it was just the weather that had me down.

1. Renée is supposed to have the IQ of a houseplant.
2. So Bella must have been dropping T-Rex sized hints about ronery she is and how her whole life is a dark room.

Mike, at least, was pleased by the obvious coolness between me and my lab partner.

1. Bella Swan has the personality of road-kill but Mike MUST be smitten with her.
2. Because she’s the Sue.

I could see he’d been worried that Edward’s daring rescue

might have impressed me,

Bella is so impressed that she wants to have his children.

and he was relieved that it seemed to have the opposite effect.

1. And this is the part where we are supposed to be tee-heeing because Mike is a pathetic loser.
2. Because it is inevitable that Bella and Edward will are going to be together foreva since they are soulmates.

So nothing exciting or interesting happens.

(But yet again, Twilight isn’t known for being riveting or well written…)

Anyway, Edward keeps ignoring Bella and Mike “grew more confident.”

Bella is happy that the snow is gone even though Mike is disappointed that he never had a snowball fight.

Jessica made me aware of another event looming on the horizon —

“Forks is going to be attacked by the Borg.”

she called the first Tuesday of March to ask my permission to invite Mike to the girls’ choice spring dance in two weeks.

“And if Jessica didn’t, she would be burned at the stake.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind… you weren’t planning to ask him?” she persisted when I told her I didn’t mind in the least.

1. And here is solid proof that Bella is stringing poor Mike along.
2. Because if she wasn’t, then Jessica wouldn’t have the impression that Bella liked Mike.

Bella tells Jessica that she is not going to the dance.

Dancing was glaringly outside my range of abilities.

“While I excel at being a cold-hearted bitch and a golddigger.”

And for some strange reason, Jessica tries to convince Bella to come to the dance.

I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company.

Bitch, you aren’t a ray of sunshine.

“You have fun with Mike,” I encouraged.

”Tee-hee! Because Jessica is a total slut, am I right?”

The next day, Jessica is quiet.

If Mike had turned her down, I was the last person she would want to tell.

Because Jessica knows that you would quaff down her tears.

My fears were strengthened during lunch when Jessica sat as far from Mike as possible, chatting animatedly with Eric.

1. Your “friend” Jessica is clearly upset.
2. But you are making the situation all about you.

Mike is quiet and Bella complains that it was “a bad sign.” He talks to her during Biology class.

As always, I was electrically aware of Edward sitting close enough to touch, as distant as if he were merely an invention of my imagination.

1. We get it, S. Meyer.
2. Bella and Edward are soulmates who have tru luv.
3. Now shut the fuck up!

Mike says that Jessica asked him to the spring dance. Bella forces herself to make her “voice bright and enthusiastic.”

Mike explains that he has to think about it.

“Why would you do that?” I let disapproval color my tone,

“I can’t believe that you think I’d ever love a filthy peasant.”

though I was relieved he hadn’t given her an absolute no.

“Because if he did that, it would greatly inconvenience me. And for such a crime, he’d be put in the stockades.”

Mike blushes and looks down at the floor.

Pity shook my resolve.

Mike asks if Bella wants to go to the dance with him.

I paused for a moment, hating the wave of guilt that swept through me.

Ya know what?

I’m gonna let this speak for itself:

She notices that Edward is listening intently to their conversation.

Bella then tells Mike that he should go with Jessica. He asks Bella if she “already ask someone?”

And since Bella is a vile cunt, she wonders if “Edward notice how Mike’s eyes flickered in his direction?”

Bella says that she isn’t going to the dance and Mike “demanded” to have a reason.

I didn’t want to get into the safety hazards that dancing presented, so I quickly made new plans.

“Tee-hee! The author thinks that me tripping over air molecules to be adorable. Now ignore the fact that I have been a horrible human being.”

Bella explains that she will be going to Seattle. She thinks to herself that she “needed to get out of town anyway — it was suddenly the perfect time to go.”

Even though Bella is as pleasant as a cockroach, Mike still wants her to go to the dance with him.

Bella says she isn’t going to change her plans and he should go with Jessica.

Mike agrees but he is upset.

I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to push the guilt and sympathy out of my head.

1. * Takes a deep breath *
2. That’s right, gentlepersons.
3. Having guilt or sympathy is being depicted as a HORRIBLE thing.

After trying to convince the reader that she isn’t a psychopath, Bella notices that Edward is looking at her.

And Edward was staring at me curiously, that same, familiar edge of frustration even more distinct now in his black eyes.

Translation:

Both Edward and Bella are staring at each other until the teacher asks sparkledouche a question.

Of course, he gives the right answer and resumes looking at her.

Suddenly, this makes Bella uncomfortable and looks down at her book.

Cowardly as ever, I shifted my hair over my right shoulder to hide my face.

“Because trying to look like Cousin It is so alluring.”

I couldn't believe the rush of emotion pulsing through me —

Translation:

just because he’d happened to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks.

And I’m still clinging on to the hope that the men in the white coats will take her away.

I couldn’t allow him to have this level of influence over me.

“And it’s not like I’m a Stepford Housewife in training.”

It was pathetic.

And in other news, bears shit in the woods and the Pope is Catholic.

More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.

Finally, something I can agree on.

I tried very hard not to be aware of him for the rest of the hour, and, since that was impossible, at least not to let him know that I was aware of him.

1. Riiight.
2. Because we all know that Bella is the master of subtly.
3. I bet she was panting like a dog.

Class finally ends. Bella is gathering her things when Edward calls her.

His voice shouldn’t have been so familiar to me, as if I’d known the sound of it all my life rather than for just a few short weeks.

1. Somebody help me!
2. I’m drowning in all this sappy bullcrap.

Bella turns around.

I didn’t want to feel what I knew I would feel when I looked at his too-perfect face.

Please excuse me while I swallow down the vomit.

* a few seconds later. *

Okay, I’m better now.

Bella is gazing at sparkledouche and complains that his “expression was unreadable.”

After they stare at each other in complete silence, Bella finally talks.

“What? Are you speaking to me again?” I finally asked, an unintentional note of petulance in my voice.

And remember gentlepersons, Bella is supposed to be wise beyond her years.

Edward finds bratty behavior to be amusing as he is “fighting a smile.”

He says no and this angers Bella.

“Then what do you want, Edward?” I asked, keeping my eyes closed; it was easier to talk to him coherently that way.

Because nothing says a strong female protagonist like being unable to articulate her thoughts when a man is around!

Edward apologizes but says that “But it’s better this way, really.“

Bella finally opens her eyes and thinks that he is being sincere.

Bella doesn’t know what Edward is talking about.

He explains that “It’s better if we’re not friends. Trust me.”

My eyes narrowed. I’d heard that before.

“And that was before the guy filed a restraining order against me.”

“It’s too bad you didn’t figure that out earlier,” I hissed through my teeth. “You could have saved yourself all this regret.”

Edward is taken aback by Bella’s melodramatic temper tantrum. He asks “Regret? Regret for what?”

“For not just letting that stupid van squish me.”

“Because my life isn’t worth living if you don’t marry me.”

He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.

1. Edward’s reaction is not surprising.
2. Normal women don’t act like female protagonists in a Victorian melodrama.

Edward is pissed off and “You think I regret saving your life?”

Bella replies “I know you do.”

I turned my head sharply away from him, clenching my jaw against all the wild accusations I wanted to hurl at him.

I’ll let this speak for itself:

Bella grabs her books and walks to the door.

I meant to sweep dramatically out of the room, but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the door jamb and dropped my books.

…..

…..

…………………

Karma is a bitch, Bells.

So Bella considers leaving them behind.

And Edward does a non-douchy thing by picking up Bella’s books and giving them to her.

She bitchily replies “Thank you” to which Edward retorts “You’re welcome.”

Bella is now in gym class. And she’s bitching and moaning. Shocker!

My team never passed me the ball, so that was good, but I fell down a lot. Sometimes I took people with me.

“I’m such a klutz! Find it endearing, dammit!”

Today I was worse than usual because my head was so filled with Edward.

Lady, when are you NOT thinking about him?

I tried to concentrate on my feet, but he kept creeping back into my thoughts just when I really needed my balance.

Because womenfolk are frazzled if they think about something and perform a task at the same time!

It was a relief, as always, to leave.

I’d think everyone would say the same exact thing after basking in your sunny disposition.

I almost ran to the truck; there were just so many people I wanted to avoid.

“Because being a misanthropist is so charming!”

The truck had suffered only minimal damage in the accident. I’d had to replace the taillights, and if I’d had a real paint job, I would have touched that up. Tyler ’s parents had to sell their van for parts.

………………

…………..

……………………..

1. That’s right, gentlepersons.
2. Tyler’s parents lost a car and they might not be able to afford to get another vehicle.
3. But Bella only cares about the fact that her car had minimal damage.
4. Fuck this book with a rusty screwdriver!

I almost had a stroke when I rounded the corner and saw a tall, dark figure leaning against the side of my truck.

Please let it be the Grim Reaper…

Please let it be the Grim Reaper…

Please let it be the Grim Reaper…

Then I realized it was just Eric.

Dammit!

So Bella and Eric start talking.

He nervously asks if Bella would go to the spring dance with him.

Bella tells Eric no.

He understands and says "Well, maybe next time.”

“Sure,” I agreed, and then bit my lip. I wouldn’t want him to take that too literally.

1. Eric wouldn’t get that idea if you stopped stringing him along….
2. And just tell Eric that you only see him as a friend.
3. Just an idea, you vile cunt-rag.

Eric slunk away.

I heard a low chuckle.

So Edward walks past Bella’s car with his lips pressed together.

This causes Bella gets in her car and rev the engine.

Edward was in his car already, two spaces down, sliding out smoothly in front of me, cutting me off.

Edward stopped the car and is waiting for his siblings.

I considered taking out the rear of his shiny Volvo, but there were too many witnesses.

Bella looks through her rearview mirror and sees Tyler waving at her in his new used car.

I was too aggravated to acknowledge him.

She is pissed off at Edward for causing a holdup.

While they are waiting, Tyler gets out of his car and asks Bella to the dance.

She snaps at him, saying “I’m not going to be in town, Tyler.”

I had to remember it wasn’t his fault that Mike and Eric had already used up my quota of patience for the day.

Who knew that being a decent human being was so strenuous?

So Tyler thought that Bella was just letting Mike “down easy.”

Okay, it was completely his fault.

After justifying being a bitch to Tyler, Bella says “I really am going out of town.”

Tyler is okay with it because they can go to prom together.

Before Bella can be even more bitchy, Tyler walks back to his car.

Bella claims to be shocked but it’s absolute horseshit.

The other Cullens enter Edward’s car.

In his rearview mirror, Edward’s eyes were on me. He was unquestionably shaking with laughter, as if he’d heard every word Tyler had said.

My foot itched toward the gas pedal… one little bump wouldn’t hurt any of them, just that glossy silver paint job.

Before Bella can commit vehicular assault, Edward speeds out of the parking lot.

On the way home, Bella is muttering to herself. That is totally sane behavior.

After parking the car, Bella is in the kitchen making chicken enchiladas.

The phone rings and it is Jessica.

She is happy because Mike accepted her invitation. Jessica wants to tell Angela and Lauren the good news.

I suggested — with casual innocence —

Angela, the shy girl who had Biology with me, could ask Eric.

“The two pathetic nerds will go together.”

And Lauren, a standoffish girl who had always ignored me at the lunch table, could ask Tyler; I’d heard he was still available.

1. Bella, you ARE standoffish.
2. And anyone who dislikes Bella is awesome in my eyes.

Of course, Jessica thinks that Bella’s suggestions are great ideas.

She wishes that Bella would go to the dance. After playing match-maker, Bella hangs up the phone.

I tried to concentrate on dinner — dicing the chicken especially; I didn’t want to take another trip to the emergency room.

But my head was spinning, trying to analyze every word Edward had spoken today. What did he mean, it was better if we weren’t friends?

1. Edward doesn’t want to be friends with a psycho bitch who is an obsessed stalker.
2. Get that through your thick skull.

Like Anastasia Steele, Bella Swan comes to the conclusion that the most handsome guy in the universe would never be interested in a girl like her.

After angsting for a bit, Bella finally puts the enchiladas in the oven.

Charlie seemed suspicious when he came home

He was expecting to find Edward handcuffed to the kitchen table.

According to Bella, Charlie is suspicious because he smelled “green peppers.”

I couldn’t blame him — the closest edible Mexican food was probably in southern California.

1. Because in the world of Twilight, food trucks don’t exist and supermarkets don’t sell frozen tacos, enchiladas, or quesadillas.
2. And you can’t tell me that nobody in Forks had Mexican food before.
3. Sorry, Stephenie Meyer, I refused to believe that Queen of Phoenix introduced Mexican food to the peasants of Forks.
4. It suspiciously sounds like you can get Mexican food (well Americanized Mexican food) in Forks.
5. But it doesn’t reach Bella’s exalted standards.

But he was a cop, even if just a small-town cop, so he was brave enough to take the first bite.

1. We get it, S. Meyer.
2. She has a sophisticated palate.
3. Which means that only Bella and the sparklepires are well-cultured.
4. While everyone else is stupid hicks who only eat hamburgers, hot dogs, and roadkill stew.

Bella is surprised that Charlie “seemed to like it.”

“Um, I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to Seattle for the day a week from Saturday… if that’s okay?” I didn’t want to ask permission — it set a bad precedent — but I felt rude, so I tacked it on at the end.

Bella should get the best daughter of the year award. She:

• Refers to her dad by his name.
• Throws temper-tantrums if things don’t go her way.
• Hates Daddy and thinks he is fucking a waste of life.
• Unless he is giving her presents or satisfies her every whim. Then Dad is the best person ever.
• And doesn’t think that she doesn’t have to ask Charlie’s permission for anything. [Even though she is a minor and he is her father.]

“Why?” He sounded surprised, as if he were unable to imagine something that Forks couldn’t offer.

We are supposed to think that Charlie is some dumb country bumpkin because he didn’t live in the “big city” like Bella.

So Charlie and Bella blither on for a bit. Bella tells him that she is going to Seattle to get some books.

But Charlie is concerned that she could get lost.

“Dad, Phoenix is five times the size of Seattle — and I can read a map, don’t worry about it.”

1. Puh-lease!
2. Bella is so dumb that she’ll lose the map in five seconds and wander around mumbling to herself about how she wants to be the mother of Edward’s children.

Charlie says that he can go with Bella to Seattle. And the very thought horrifies her.

Bella quickly says that she will be in dressing rooms all day.

Even though earlier she said that is going book shopping. That causes dad to allow her to go to Seattle alone.

He then asks if Bella is going to the spring dance.

Grrr. Only in a town this small would a father know when the high school dances were.

1. I'm pretty sure even in the “big city”, people would when the school dances are going to take place.
2. Thanks to newfangled contraptions called the “internet” and the “radio”.
3. Also, there is a thing called a school newsletter.

Bella tells him that she doesn’t dance.

He, of all people, should understand that — I didn’t get my balance problems from my mother.

1. Charlie is a cop.
2. C.O.P. A cop.
3. There is no way that any police department would hire anyone if they were freakishly clumsy.
4. Because cops tend to carry something called a g.u.n.
5. And if someone isn’t able to properly handle a gun, that’s when people can get injured or killed.
6. In conclusion? Bella’s statement is absolute horseshit.

The very next day, Bella parks her car far away from Edward’s car. She fights the urge not to vandalize his car.

Edward grabs her keys when she drops them. He hands her the keys.

Bella is amazed that he is able to “appear out of thin air.”

“Bella, it’s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.” His voice was quiet as usual — velvet, muted.

Although it does beg the question why Edward is hanging around even though he said that he doesn’t want to be her friend and just insulted her.

If I were him, I’d remain in brightly lit areas.

Otherwise, some crazy bitch will give him forty whacks with an ax.

I scowled at his perfect face.

Then I had to look down, to reassemble my now-tangled thoughts.

Feminism, bitches!

Bella demands to know why Edward caused the traffic jam last night.

“That was for Tyler ’s sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance.” He snickered.

One word:

Bella is shocked and gasps.

I couldn’t think of a bad enough word.

1. I can think of many, Bella.
2. Do you want to hear them in alphabetical order?

Bella is pissed off but this amuses him.

Because in the world of Twilight, a woman’s anger is not taken seriously.

It is just the womenfolk overreacting.

“So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler ’s van didn’t do the job?”

1. I’m pretty sure that everyone wants to irritate Bella to death…
2. With hydrochloric acid.

Edward is now miffed and said that Bella is “utterly absurd."

My palms tingled — I wanted so badly to hit something.

1. If anyone (regardless of their sex or gender) gets so angry that they want to hit something or someone…
2. It’s deeply disturbing behavior and you run don’t walk to the nearest exit.

I was usually a nonviolent person.

1. In the past, Bella contemplated beating up Jessica.
2. Because Jessica looked at Edward Cullen.
3. And in this chapter, Bella intended on committing vehicular assault and wanted to vandalize Edward’s car.
4. So Bella is a violent person.

Bella walks away. Edward sort of apologizes for being a douche.

But he still acts like a douchebag.

I bit my lip and clasped my hands together, interlocking my fingers, so I couldn’t do anything rash.

Here is another example of Bella being a psycho bitch.

Edward offers to drive Bella to Seattle.

"Do you want a ride to Seattle ?”

“With who?” I asked, mystified.

“Myself, obviously.” He enunciated every syllable, as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped.

Bravo, Edward! Bravo!

Now Edward is changing his tune, saying that “it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be."

"Oh, thanks, now that’s all cleared up.” Heavy sarcasm.

And in other news, fire is hot and water is wet.

“It would be more…prudent for you not to be my friend,” he explained. “But I’m tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella.”

“And you change your mind like a girl changes clothes. Yeah you, PMS. Like a bitch…”

Most normal girls would be running to the nearest exit because Edward has bipolar psycho written all over him.

But Bella is swooning over his “smoldering” voice and his “gloriously intense” eyes.

The chapter ends with Bella agreeing to go to Seattle with Edward.