Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 3

Chapter Summary: Christian Cullen saves Ana from being run over by a van bicycle. And Ana is convinced that he is hiding a big secret.

Kate is ecstatic.

And Ana is like:

“But what was he doing at Clayton’s?” Her curiosity oozes through the phone.

1. Kate asks a simple question.
2. But Ana is acting like Kate is being a nosy bitch.
3. You know what, Ana? FUCK YOU!

Ana complains that she is in the “depths of the stockroom”. She tells Kate that Christian was just in the area.

“I think that is one huge coincidence, Ana. You don’t think he was there to see you?”

1. Kate has a point. Christian randomly showing up would be a huge coincidence.
2. Supposedly, Christian is a very busy man and his time is precious.
3. You know what? I like Kate.
4. She’s got a brain and isn’t a cold-hearted bitch.
5. But since this is Sue fiction, a character like Kate will become the Designated Evil Slutty Bitch (or D.E.S.B.) or a sycophant.

My heart lurches at the prospect, but it’s a short-lived joy. The dull, disappointing reality is that he was here on business.

For a guy that is supposedly here only on business, Christian has:

1. Driven three hours away just so he can see her.
2. During the entire time spent with Ana, he gave her his undivided attention.
3. Acted like a jealous lover when Ana’s male friend arrived.
4. Gave Ana his cell-phone number. And he usually doesn’t give people his number.
5. Agreed to do a photo shoot even though he doesn’t have to.
6. And presumably, during the photo shoot, he will talk to Ana.

“He was visiting the farming division of WSU. He’s funding some research,” I mutter.

“Oh yes. He’s given the department a $2.5 million grant.” Wow.

“How do you know this?”

“Ana, I’m a journalist, and I’ve written a profile on the guy. It’s my job to know this.”

“Okay, Carla Bernstein, keep your hair on. So do you want these photos?”

“Of course I do. The question is, who’s going to do them and where.”

“We could ask him where. He says he’s staying in the area.”

‘Ello Talking Heads Syndrome!

Let’s do another writing exercise, shall we?

Let’s see if we can take this dialogue-heavy scene and get rid of these talking heads.

I’ll go first.

“He was visiting the farming division of WSU. He’s funding some research,” I mutter.

“Oh yes. He’s given the department a $2.5 million grant.”

Wow. “How do you know this?” I asked and then grabbed some boxes.

“Ana, I’m a journalist, and I’ve written a profile on the guy. It’s my job to know this.”

“Okay, Carla Bernstein, keep your hair on. So do you want these photos?” I opened the boxes with a box cutter.

“Of course I do. The question is, who’s going to do them and where.”

The tapping of fingers against a keyboard filled the silence.

“We could ask him where. He says he’s staying in the area.” I replied, grabbing each of the items and placing them on the shelves.

In the distance, the shop bell ringed.

Kate asks Ana if she can contact him. Ana replies that she has Christian’s cell phone number.

Kate is then shocked because Christian isn’t the sort of person that would give anyone his cell phone number along with being “elusive” and “enigmatic.”

She assures Ana that Christian likes her and there is “no doubt about it.”

But Ana is convinced that Kate is lying to her.

“Kate, he’s just trying to be nice.” But even as I say the words, I know they’re not true—Christian Grey doesn’t do nice.

“Even though I know that he is a total douche, I still want to fuck him and be his slave. Aren’t I a strong female character?”

He does polite, maybe.

Well, duh. If a serial killer acted boorish, their victim wouldn’t be lured to a trap.

And because Ana Steele has the I.Q. of Bella Swan, she thinks that Christian “might like me.”

I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me.

You know what’s terrifying?

The fact that Ana and Christian will have children. And those children will most likely be as psychologically disturbed as mommy and daddy.

Before we can be subjected to Ana blithering on about how Christian is so dreamy, Kate speaks.

Kate doesn’t know who can do the photo shoot as the regular photographer can’t because he is in Idaho Falls for the weekend.

She then says that Levi (a.k.a the regular photographer) will be pissed that he missed such a great opportunity.

Ana suggests that José could do it.

“Great idea! You ask him—he’ll do anything for you. Then call Grey and find out where he wants us.” Kate is irritatingly cavalier about José.

1. I seriously hope that there won’t be an Ana/Christian/José love triangle.
2. I haven’t slogged through New Moon and Eclipse yet.
3. And I don’t want to have to read another story with angst and melodrama.
4. Also, Ana is the kind of woman that won’t touch a guy with a fifty-foot barge pole but treats him like a piece of property.
5. And she will try to control his life and manipulate him to get what she wants.
6. In conclusion, Ana Steele is a vile person.

Ana wants Kate to call Christian. But Kate replies “Ana, you’re the one with the relationship.”

And Kate has a point.

I don’t think Christian would take kindly to Ana giving his private phone number to a person that he doesn’t know.

“Relationship?” I squeak at her, my voice rising several octaves. “I barely know the guy.”

For a guy that she “barely” knows, Ana only knows:

1. The name of Christian’s company.
2. Christian is a major benefactor for the college.
3. Christian is an exceptional entrepreneur.
4. Christian never wants to be married and have children.
5. Christian’s personal cell phone number.
6. Christian is a busy man so his time is precious.

“At least you’ve met him,” she says bitterly.

1. We get it, E.L. James.
2. You want us to think that Kate is a nasty bitch and a slut who should be thrown to a pack of wild dogs.
3. And it blows my mind that some people think Fifty Shades is feminist…

Kate gets annoyed with Ana and tells her to make the damn phone call. After Kate hangs up, Ana gets all bitchy.

She is so bossy sometimes.

Like a mature person, Ana Swan sticks her tongue at the cell phone. She is just leaving José a message when Paul shows up.

He tells her that the store is busy. Ana mutters an apology and gets ready to leave.

Since Paul is a massive Christian fanboy, he wants to know how Ana is acquainted with Christian.

Ana tells him that she “had” to interview Christian for the student newspaper because Kate wasn’t feeling well.

Ana tries to sound casual but she’s doing “no better than him.”

Paul is so amazed that Christian was in the store that he has to clear his mind by shaking his head. He then asks Ana on a date.

Apparently, whenever Paul is around, he asks her on a date. And she always says no.

I’ve never considered it a good idea to date the boss’s brother, and besides, Paul is cute in a wholesome all-American boy-next-door kind of way,

Translation: Since Paul isn’t a psychopathic asshole like Christian Grey, he is unworthy to date Ana Steele.

but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination.

“And my literary heroes are Heathcliff and Alec d'Urberville.”

Is Grey? my subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised.

E.L. James Ana Steele thinks so.

Ana “slap[s]” her subconscious “down”. She then asks if Paul has a family dinner to go. Paul says that’s “tomorrow.”

“Maybe some other time, Paul. I need to study tonight. I have my finals next week.”

1. Ana could just tell Paul that she isn’t sexually attracted to Paul and only sees him as a friend.
2. But that wouldn’t be Bella Swan’s Ana Steele’s style.
3. I wouldn’t be surprised if her style is stringing guys along.

“Ana, one of these days you’ll say yes.” He smiles as I escape to the store floor.

1. Oh, this is interesting.
2. Paul Clayton was Mike Newton in Master of the Universe.
3. It explains why Paul is so smitten with Ana even though she is charming as a cockroach.

“BUT I DO PLACES, Ana, not people,” José groans.

Just like how a person can’t smile, giggle, or sigh words, the same can be said for groaning words.

Ana begs with José and is pacing back and forth. Kate tells Ana to give her the cell phone.

“Listen here, José Rodriguez, if you want our newspaper to cover the opening of your show, you’ll do this shoot for us tomorrow, capiche?”

“Or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.”

José agrees because he doesn’t want to piss off the Godfather.

Kate tells him that Ana will call back with the necessary information before hanging up the cell phone.

Kate hands Ana the cell phone. She orders Ana to call Grey. Ana scowls at Kate before calling Christian.

I don’t recognize my own voice, I’m so nervous.

Christian calls Ana “Miss Steele” and says that it is nice to hear her voice.

His voice has changed. He’s surprised, I think, and he sounds so … warm—seductive even.

1. ou know what?
2. Fifty Shades is as erotic as a hangnail.

My breath hitches,

1. You used the wrong word, E.L. James.
2. According to Merriam Webster, hitch is to move something with a jerk or a tug.
3. Unless Ana’s breath has the ability to tow something…
4. I think E.L. James was trying to say that Ana gasped or forgot how to breathe.
5. But as Mark Twain wisely said,“Say what he is proposing to say, not merely come near it.”

Ana blushes. She realizes that Kate is opened mouthed and is staring at her.

I dart into the kitchen to avoid her unwanted scrutiny.

Ana tells Christian that they want to go ahead with the photo shoot.

Breathe, Ana, breathe. My lungs drag in a hasty breath.

It’s delightful to see a strong and smart female protagonist who needs to remind herself do something necessary to live.

Ana asks Christian if they can do it tomorrow and would it be convenient for him.

I can almost hear his sphinxlike smile through the phone.

1. You can’t hear a smile.
2. But you can hear the joy in someone’s voice.
3. And according to Merriam Webster,a sphinx is either a mythological creature or it can be used to describe an enigmatic person.

Christian tells Ana to meet him at the Heathman in Portland at 9:30 AM. She tells him that they will be there.

I am all gushing and breathy—like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the state of Washington.

It’s really creepy that this book describes anything erotic or sexual as being like a child.

Christian says that he is looking forward to seeing Ana.

I visualize the wicked gleam in his eyes.

“I love it when a guy is filled with evil glee!”

How can he make seven little words hold so much tantalizing promise?

Because you are horny.

Ana hangs up the phone. Kate is now in the kitchen and is staring at Ana with a look of surprise.

“Anastasia Rose Steele. You like him! I’ve never seen or heard you so … so … affected by anyone before. You’re actually blushing.”

“It is almost as if we are in a Twilight fanfic where all the "good” characters are asexual except for their one tru luv.“

“Oh, Kate, you know I blush all the time. It’s an occupational hazard with me. Don’t be ridiculous,” I snap.

"The author thinks that tripping over air molecules and blushing 24/7 are endearing character traits.”

She blinks at me with surprise—I very rarely have hissy fits—

You throw a fit anytime somebody asks you a question or do something that you don’t like.

I briefly relent. “I just find him … intimidating, that’s all.”

“And that is so sexy.”

Kate isn’t surprised that Christian wants to meet at the Heathman. She is going to call a manager and get a place for the shoot.

Ana is going to make “supper” and then study.

I cannot hide my irritation with her as I open one of the cupboards to make supper.

“The filthy peasant talked to me! The only time that a peasant is allowed to speak is if they are showering me with compliments and praise.”

I AM RESTLESS THAT night, tossing and turning, dreaming of smoky gray eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places.

During the night, Ana wakes up twice. We get some descriptions about the Heathman hotel.

Since everyone can’t fit into Ana’s car, they are traveling in two cars.

José and Travis are traveling in Ana’s car while Kate is driving her own car. Travis is José’s friend and gopher.

Kate managed to get a room free of charge in exchange for the hotel getting credit in the article.

They get upgraded to a suite when the receptionist finds out that they are doing a photo shoot with Christian Grey.

Just a regular-sized suite, however, as apparently Mr. Grey is already occupying the largest one in the building.

The hotel just upgraded the room to a suite… But Ana is bitching and moaning because the suite is only “regular-sized.”

What a diva!

An over-keen marketing executive shows us up to the suite—he’s terribly young and very nervous for some reason.

Maybe he’s nervous that a VIP is in the building and if anything goes wrong, it will reflect badly on the hotel.

I suspect Kate’s beauty and commanding manner disarm him, because he’s putty in her hands.

It MUST be that he is terrified of the beautiful and nasty bitch named Kate.

The rooms are elegant, understated, and opulently furnished.

1. You can’t have it both ways.
2. Either a room is elegant and opulent.
3. Or it is simple and understated room.

It’s nine o'clock and they have only thirty minutes to set everything up. Kate is in charge and she is delegating tasks.

She asks Ana to let Christian know where they are and make sure that housekeeping brings up the refreshments.

Yes, mistress.

1. E.L. James used the word “mistress”.
2. And in the BDSM community, mistress is another word for a dominatrix.

She is so domineering. I roll my eyes but do as I’m told.

If Kate was a man Christian Grey, Ana would do everything that he says eagerly and won’t be complaining.

And she would constantly say that Christian’s domineering personality makes her horny.

Christian Grey walks into the suite.

Ana exclaims “holy crap.” She tells us what he is wearing and how his “unruly hair” is wet.

My mouth goes dry looking at him … he’s so freaking hot.

I swear to God… This book is going to drive me batty.

A man with hazel eyes and a buzz hair cut enters the room. He then stands silently in the corner.

I bet this guy is Christian’s bodyguard.

Christian greets Ana. Of course, Ana shakes his hand and blinks like a malfunctioning Furby.

As I touch his hand, I’m aware of that delicious current running right through me, lighting me up, making me blush, and I’m sure my erratic breathing must be audible.

1. We get it, E.L. James.
2. Mary Sue and Gary Stu are soulmates because they are obsessed with each other.
3. And they are always feeling electric sparks between them.

Ana introduces Christian Grey to Kate. Christian describes Kate as “tenacious” and looks “amused.” He asks Kate if she is doing well.

Kate says that she is fine and firmly shakes his hand. She also makes eye contact. Ana gives the reader information about Kate.

It turns out that Kate comes from a wealthy family and went to “the best”private schools in the state.

Ana concludes because Kate’s family socioeconomic status, it is why Kate is “confident” and is “sure of her place in the world.”

She doesn’t take any crap.

“But she puts up with all of my shit. She even asks for second helpings.”

I am in awe of her.

1. If you REALLY liked Kate, then you wouldn’t be treating her like shit 24/7.
2. And you won’t act like Kate is a harpy every time she is assertive or has an opinion.

Kate thanks Christian for doing the photo shoot and Christian replies that “It’s a pleasure.”

When Christian looks at her, Ana blushes for the billionth time.

“This is José Rodriguez, our photographer,” I say, grinning at José, who smiles with affection back at me.

1. It’s confirmed: Ana is stringing poor José along.
2. She knows that José is smiling “with affection” after she grinned at him.
3. And you can’t tell me that Ana thinks that José’s affectionate smile is only PLATONIC.

José’s eyes “cool” when he sees Christian. They get acquainted. But like last time, Christian acts territorial and “appraises” José.

Christian asks José “Where would you like me?“

In my headcanon, José would say "Tied to the back of my fucking truck while I drive through a cactus field.”

His tone sounds vaguely threatening.

But Katherine is not about to let José run the show.

It MUST be José’s fault.

It couldn’t possibly be the rich and powerful douchebag who is trying to start a fight.

Kate defuses the situation by directing Christian to sit on a chair that is against the wall. She also tells him to mind the lighting cables.

Travis switches on the lights and apologizes to Christian when the lights blind him for a few seconds. I’d like to think that was intentional.

José starts taking the photographs and this prompts Ana to ogle Christian.

My wish has come true: I can stand and admire Grey from not so afar.

Everyone knows that Ana really wants Christian to bang her like a screen door in a hurricane.

Twice our eyes lock, and I have to tear myself away from his cloudy gaze.

1. I think E.L. James thought “cloudy eyes” makes Christian’s eyes sound sexy.
2. But “cloudy eyes” sounds like he has cataracts.

Kate tells Christian to stand. And five minutes later, the photo shoot is finished.

She thanks Christian again for doing the photo shoot. Both Kate and José shake Christian’s hand.

Christian claims that he will be “looking forward to reading the article.” He then asks Ana to walk with him.

Ana agrees. She notices that Kate could care less while José is “scowling.”

Christian says goodbye and then opens the door for Ana.

Holy hell … what’s this about? What does he want?

1. Isn’t it obvious?
2. Christian wants you to be his sex slave.

Ana is waiting in the hotel corridor and she is “fidgeting.” Christian leaves the room followed by the guy with the buzz cut.

It turns out that “Buzz Cut” has a name. It’s Taylor. Christian promises to call Taylor later.

Grey turns his burning gray gaze to me. Crap … have I done something wrong?

1. Shut up, you dumb cow.
2. If you think that he is angry….
3. Angry enough that he will try and harm you…
4. Then why in the hell are you following him down a hallway and into an elevator?

Christian asks Ana if she would have coffee with him.

My heart slams into my mouth.

1. Unfortunately for the reader, the heart doesn’t fall out of Ana’s mouth and land on the floor.
2. Instead, the bitch is still alive.

A date?

No, he’s asking that you’ll play jump rope with him.

He’s asking if you want a coffee. Maybe he thinks you haven’t woken up yet, my subconscious whines at me in a sneering mood again.

Because rich men LOVE going on a coffee date with someone that they can’t stand.

So Ana clears her throat and tells Christian no. Ana explains that she has to drive everyone home. Even though that isn’t exactly true.

She just has to drive José and Travis home.

Kate is driving herself home and all of the equipment will be put in her vehicle.

Christian beckons Taylor. He says that Taylor can drive everyone home and take the equipment.

“There. Now can you join me for coffee?” Grey smiles as if it’s a done deal.

1. Fuck you, Christian.
2. Just because you are richer than God…
3. It doesn’t give you the right to try and dictate people’s lives.

Ana frowns. She is nervous and says that “Taylor doesn’t have to drive them home.”

Ana looks at her Taylor who is "stoically impassive.”

And because Ana is spineless, she suddenly decides that she will go on a coffee date with Christian.

Grey smiles a dazzling, unguarded, natural, all-teeth-showing, glorious smile.

1. Christian just acted like a pushy asshole…
2. But E.L. James wants us to swoon over Christian’s perfect smile.

Ana thinks “Oh my” when Christian opens the suite door. She enters the room and sees Kate talking to José.

Kate says that it is obvious that Christian likes Ana. Of course, José is pissy and glares at Ana “with disapproval.”

But Kate quickly adds that she doesn’t trust him.

I raise my hand up in the hope that she’ll stop talking. By some miracle, she does.

Ana asks Kate if she can take her car. Kate asks why.

Ana replies that she is going on a coffee date with Christian. Kate’s mouth drops open to which Ana “savor[s] the moment.”

She grabs me by my arm and drags me into the bedroom that’s off the living area of the suite.

Kate tells Ana even though Christian is “gorgeous”, she adds that “he’s dangerous. Especially for someone like you.”

Ana demands to know what “someone like me” means.

Kate is concerned that Christian will take advantage of Ana because she is a virgin.

Ana blushes and disregards her friend’s concerns.

Because after all, a pushy and manipulative psychopath WOULD NEVER take advantage of a naive person. Especially if said person was a virgin.

Ana insists that they are only going on a coffee date and it won’t last long because she needs to study for her exams.

Kate reluctantly gives Ana her car keys and says “Don’t be long, or I’ll send out search and rescue.”

In a well-written story, Ana would go on a date with Christian and suddenly disappear.

Ana would be trapped in Christian’s pit in the basement or her corpse be found in a landfill.

But this is a shitty romance novel masquerading as a tru luv story so Kate is being a worrywart.

Ana leaves the room and sees Christian leaning against the wall.

She blushes for the billionth time and swoons over Christian’s hotness, saying that he looks like "a male model.”

I make my way down the corridor, my knees shaky, my stomach full of butterflies, and my heart in my mouth thumping a dramatic, uneven beat.

Thank you E.L. James for giving us descriptions that read like a shopping list.

I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey … and I hate coffee.

1. Here’s a brilliant idea…
2. Tell him that you don’t like coffee.
3. Even suggest that they go somewhere else like a froyo cafe?

So Christian and Ana are walking down the hotel corridor. Ana is nervous and doesn’t know what she is going to say to him.

What on Earth do I have in common with him?

Well, both of you are self-absorbed assholes who use people to get what they want.

So I’d say the two of you are matches made in heaven hell.

Christian asks Ana how long she has known Kate. She replies since “our freshman year” and she is a “good friend.”

“Hmm,” he replies noncommittally. What is he thinking?

Christian is thinking about the ways he can kill Kate if she interferes with his plans.

He presses the elevator button and the doors slide open. A young couple were making out and they are embarrassed.

Christian and Ana step inside the elevator.

I am struggling to maintain a straight face, so I gaze down at the floor, feeling my cheeks turning pink.

When I peek up at Grey through my lashes, he has a hint of a smile on his lips, but it’s very hard to tell.

1. So Christian is not only a psychopathic douchebag that is probably homophobic…
2. Now he is a voyeur.
3. Good to know.

Ana remarks that the young couple “says nothing.”

She complains that there isn’t any elevator music to “distract” everyone from the “embarrassed silence.”

The doors open and, much to my surprise, Grey takes my hand, clasping it with his long, cool fingers. I feel the current run through me, and my already rapid heartbeat accelerates.

For a novel that it is supposed to be so sexy and edgy…

It is cheesy and sappy like a bad romance novel.

As he leads me out of the elevator, we can hear the suppressed giggles of the couple erupting behind us. Grey grins.

What’s so funny about a guy holding a girl’s hand?

We cross the expansive, bustling lobby of the hotel toward the entrance, but Grey avoids the revolving door, and I wonder if that’s because he’d have to let go of my hand.

I’ll let this speak for itself:

Because if this story isn’t filled with clusterfuckery or depicting lust and obsession as tru luv, it is fucking tedious.

I attempt to smother the ridiculous grin that threatens to split my face in two.

I seriously hope that Ana’s face does split in two so it can spare me from reading anymore of this literary abomination.

Try to be cool, Ana, my subconscious implores me.

Ana, you are the antonym of cool.

After walking four blocks, they finally arrive at the coffee house. Christian holds the door open for Ana.

Christian asks Ana what she will have to drink. Ana wants tea and tells him how she likes her tea.

“Okay, bag out tea. Sugar?”

For a moment, I’m stunned, thinking it’s an endearment,

Considering how this story can be so cheesy and sappy, I wouldn’t be surprised.

but fortunately my subconscious kicks in with pursed lips. No, stupid—do you take sugar?

1. Maybe you should take sugar.
2. It might make you less of a bitter bitch.

Ana doesn’t want any sugar with her tea and she doesn’t want anything to eat. She sits a table while he gets the drinks.

I surreptitiously gaze at him from beneath my lashes as he stands in line waiting to be served.

Like other terrible writers, E.L. James loves raping the thesaurus.

I could watch him all day … he’s tall, broad shouldered, and slim, and the way those pants hang from his hips … Oh my.

Once or twice he runs his long, graceful fingers through his now dry but still disorderly hair.

Because nothing says influential businessman like unbrushed hair.

Ana wants to run her hands through his hair.

The thought comes unbidden into my mind, and my face flames.

“The thought is simply rude! It arrived into my mind uninvited!”

And in regards to Ana’s face flaming…

I bite my lip and stare down at my hands again, not liking where my wayward thoughts are headed.

1. Ana Steele acting like a maiden in a Victorian melodrama…
2. Which doesn’t make any sense.
3. She wasn’t raised in a super religious family where having sexual desires is sinful.
4. And the “wayward thoughts” comment sounds awfully familiar…

I bite my lip and stare down at my hands again, not liking where my wayward thoughts are going.

- Chapter 6 of Master of the Universe by Snowqueens Icedragon

But before Ana can start masturbating in public, Christian returns. She is startled and blushes for the billionth time.

He hands her a cup and a saucer along with a small teapot.

A side plate bearing a lone teabag labeled TWININGS ENGLISH BREAKFAST—my favorite.

1. love the subtle product placement.
2. I could be wrong…
3. But I have the sneaking suspicion that E.L. James only mentioned Twinings because that’s the kind of tea that she drinks.

We get riveting information like Christian bought himself a blueberry muffin and how Ana describes herself as being “gawky” and clumsy.

Christian asks her something and she says how Twinings is her favorite tea.

He frowns. He knows I’m hiding something.

1. This was once a Twilight fanfic and Christian Grey is Edward Cullen.
2. Which means Edward and Bella Christian and Ana are going to talk.
3. Christian will assure Ana Swan that she isn’t an open book…
4. And Christian will agree with everything that Ana says because he wants to sleep with her.

I pop the teabag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with my teaspoon.

1. Each type of tea takes a different length of time to steep.
2. If you steep tea too long, it becomes bitter.
3. But if you don’t steep the tea long enough, it is bland.
4. For black tea, the recommended steeping time is 3-5 minutes.
5. So Ana is drinking tea that tastes like dishwater.

Christian gives her a funny look. Ana claims that she likes her tea “black and weak.”

Christian then asks if José is her boyfriend.

I laugh, nervous but curious. What gave him that impression?

1. Don’t play dumb, Ana.
2. José gave you an affectionate smile and you returned the smile.
3. If someone saw that exchange, they would assume that you and José are dating.

Ana says no and claims that José is just a “good friend, that’s all.” She asks why he thought José was her boyfriend.

He replies that it is how they smiled at each other.

His gaze holds mine. He’s so unnerving. I want to look away but I’m caught—spellbound.

1. We get it, E.L. James.
2. Both Ana and Christian love each other and they are soulmates.
3. Stop telling us every five seconds.

“He’s more like family,” I whisper.

And people like Cassandra Clare are swooning right now because they think incest and pseudo-incest is hawt.

Christian is satisfied with her answer and Ana is fascinated by him eating a muffin.

He asks Ana if she wants some and has a “amused, secret smile.” She declines Christian’s offer and creepily stares at his hands.

Christian then asks if Paul is her boyfriend. She says “[he’s] just a friend.”

Oh, this is getting silly.

Maybe if you weren’t leading men on, you wouldn’t be in this predicament.

Christian remarks that she is nervous around men.

Holy crap, that’s personal. I’m just nervous around you, Grey.

You are just horny.

“I find you intimidating.” I flush scarlet, but mentally pat myself on the back for my candor,

1. A woman speaking her mind is simply scandalous!
2. Because Twilight has taught me that women should not speak until spoken to.
3. If a woman speaks her mind, then she is a bitch or a slut.
4. Fuck this book with a rusty screwdriver!

“You should find me intimidating.” He nods.

1. Ana should be RUNNING to the nearest exit.
2. Because psychologically healthy and normal people don’t want others to be scared of them.
3. But a PSYCHOPATH would.
4. Yet E.L. James wants us to think that Christian Grey is studmuffin and husband material.

Christian says that Ana is “very honest” and wants her to stop looking down.

She makes eye contact and he gives “an encouraging but wry smile.”

“It gives me some sort of clue what you might be thinking,” he breathes. “You’re a mystery, Miss Steele.”

“If I said that you were open book, then our creator would be sued.”

Mysterious? Me?

Nope!

The apt description would be this:

Ana replies that she isn’t mysterious but Christian assures her that she is enigmatic.

“Except when you blush, of course, which is often. I just wish I knew what you were blushing about.”

1. It is so blatantly obvious that she is blushing about Christian.
2. Ana blushes ever time that she is around him or fantasizes about Christian Grey porking her.
3. In conclusion?
4. Christian Grey is a liar, liar, pants on fire.

Christian eats more of his muffin and stares at her.

And as if on cue, I blush.

E.L. James, pointing it out doesn’t make Ana’s constant blushing less annoying.

Ana asks if he always makes “personal observations?” He then asks if he has “offended” her.

She says “no” but then adds “But you’re very high-handed.”

Christian raises his eyebrows but Ana is convinced that he also blushed.

“I’m used to getting my own way, Anastasia,” he murmurs. “In all things.”

“And if I don’t, then I act like a controlling and manipulative asshole.”

Ana asks Christian why he is so formal with her. She is surprised by her “audacity” and wonders why the conversation became “serious.”

I can’t believe I’m feeling so antagonistic toward him. It’s like he’s trying to warn me off.

It’s because you are Bella Swan and this conversation is similar to one found in Twilight.

Christian explains that only his family members and his close friends call him by his first name. He adds that it is “the way I like it.”

He is a control freak, there’s no other explanation

And part of me is thinking maybe it would have been better if Kate had interviewed him.

Two control freaks together.

Plus, of course, she’s almost blond—well, strawberry blond—like all the women in his office.

“Which means that she is an evil bitch and slut! Because that is feminism!”

Ana’s subconscious “reminds” her that Kate is beautiful.

I don’t like the idea of Christian and Kate.

“And if Kate sleeps with Christian, I’ll hurt her.”

Ana drinks some of her tea and Christian eats a piece of his muffin.

He suddenly asks if Ana has any siblings. She replies that she is an only child.

Christian then wants to know about her parents.

Why does he want to know this? It’s so dull.

Because an abuser tries to isolate their victim by cutting them off from family and friends.

Ana tells Christian about her mother getting remarried and how her father died when she was a baby.

“You’re not giving much away, are you?” he says dryly, rubbing his chin as if in deep thought.

Because any sensible woman would tell her stalker everything about her family.

Ana points out that Christian hasn’t been forthcoming.

“You’ve interviewed me once already, and I can recollect some quite probing questions then.” He smirks at me.

“Which means I am given carte blanche to be a nosy asshole.”

Holy shit. He’s remembering the “gay” question.

Once again, I’m mortified. In years to come, I know I’ll need intensive therapy to not feel this embarrassed every time I recall the moment.

…………………….

…………………….

1. Because the idea of someone being gay is so traumatic for our alleged heroine that she needs to go into “intensive therapy.”
2. Fuck you, E.L. James.

Ana talks about her mother in order to “block out that memory.”

Like a judgmental prick, Christian raises his eyebrows when he finds out that Ana’s mom had three previous husbands and is now married again.

Ana claims to “miss” her mom… But since this was a Twilight fanfic, I think Ana is lying.

Ana adds that her mother is “harebrained” and is glad that her mom’s current husband will “keep an eye on her.”

Which doesn’t like Renée Dwyer at all….

Christian is looking at Ana “intently” and Ana finds looking at his mouth to be “unsettling.”

And I can’t fucking wait for this chapter to be finally over.

Ana tells Christian about her stepfather Ray. She lived with Ray when mom met husband # 3.

Christian then asks why Ana didn’t want to live with her mother.

This really is none of his business.

1. If the question really bothers you, tell him that.
2. And if Christian still insists, then he is a nosy asshole.

Ana says that the third husband lived in Texas and mom was newly married.

She thinks about the fact that mom never talks about husband number three.

Ana is pissed off at Christian because it is “none of his business.”

Two can play at this game.

1. Why isn’t Ana telling Christian to mind his own business?
2. And if Christian is being a nosy douchebag, she can politely excuse herself from the table and leave.
3. Silly me. That would be the mature thing to do.

Ana asks Christian about his parents. Christian says that his dad is a lawyer and his mom is a pediatrician. Ana muses how he had “an affluent upbringing.”

And then this happens….

Well, not yet.

And if it doesn’t happen, I would be VERY surprised.

So Ana’s monologue gives Christian a verbal handjob. Then Ana asks Christian about his siblings. He tells her.

His eyes cloud with irritation.

I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face…

Saying that Christian has “cloudy” eyes makes it sound like he has cataracts.

He doesn’t want to talk about his family or himself.

1. Of course, Christian doesn’t want to talk about his family.
2. If he did that, then he wouldn’t be the center of attention.
3. And I call bullshit on Christian not wanting to talk about himself.
4. He is a narcissist.

And we have even MORE boring conversations.

I swear to God, this book is going to drive me insane.

Christian and Ana talk about different countries. Ana wants to go to England because she is an Anglophile.

Ana leaves so she can study for her exams. Christian tells Ana that he will walk her back to the parking lot. She thanks Christian for the tea.

He smiles his odd I’ve-got-a-whopping-big-secret smile.

This is a Twilight fanfic so Edward MUST have a big secret.

Christian says “It’s my pleasure” and “commands” her to come with him. Charming.

Ana holds his hand. And she is thinking about everything as they are walking back to the hotel.

I feel like I’ve been interviewed for a job, but I’m not sure what for.

1. You just got hired for a job….
2. As Christian’s new sex slave.

“Do you always wear jeans?” he asks out of the blue.

“Mostly.”

1. Christian will buy her some new clothes including a pair of jeans.
2. After he put a passed out Ana on the bed and undressed her…
3. And I’m going to stop talking now before it gets even more disturbing.

She thinks that Christian has asked her a weird question. Ana gets mopey at the idea of Christian having a paramour.

She asks Christian if he has a girlfriend. Christian smirks and “peers down” at Ana.

He tells her that he doesn’t do “the girlfriend thing.” The comment befuddles Ana.

He’s not gay.

1. Or he could be aromantic asexual.
2. But silly me.
3. E.L. James is probably one of those people who don’t think that asexual people exist.

Oh, maybe he is! He must have lied to me in his interview.

1. They have only seen each other three times.
2. But Ana is acting like it is her God-given right to know Christian’s sexual orientation.
3. It doesn’t even occur to Ana that is NONE of HER FUCKING BUSINESS.
4. When someone is queer (gay, bi, pan, ply, or somewhere on the asexual spectrum), and they decide to come out…
5. It isn’t a one-day event.
6. They are coming out every day for the rest of their lives.
7. As far as Ana knows, Christian could be a closeted gay man.
8. She doesn’t even know or care about the consequences of forcing someone out of the closet.
9. For the record, outing someone is an incredibly douchey thing to do but it can be very dangerous.
10. And for argument’s sake, say that Christian is gay.
11. And if he told her, Ana wouldn’t keep her mouth shut.
12. Like Bella, she would be shouting it into a megaphone.

Ana is upset that Christian doesn’t give her “some explanation.” She wigs out and insists that she must “get away from him.”

And because Ana is a klutz, she trips.

Christian says “Shit!” before saving Ana from being hit by a van cyclist. Christian is holding Ana in his arms. Of course, she is swooning.

I inhale his clean, wholesome scent. He smells of freshly laundered linen and some expensive body wash. It’s intoxicating. I inhale deeply.

……………….

………………..

Because nothing says tru luv like huffing someone like an aerosol can.

Christian asks if she is okay.

He has one arm around me, clasping me to him, while the fingers of his other hand softly trace my face, gently probing, examining me.

1. I know that this is supposed to be a swoonworthy moment…
2. But having the love interest “examining” and “gently probing” the heroine…
3. To me, it sounds like Christian is coroner examining a corpse.

Of course, Christian’s breath “hitches.”

He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment, or maybe it’s forever…

For a book that is supposed to be edgy…

It is as sappy as a Hallmark movie.

Ana remarks that Christian has a “beautiful mouth.”

And for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed. I want to feel his mouth on mine.