A child with a preference for playing with toys alone, managing all the toys and not letting others touch anything is a common challenge that parents and teachers face when playing with young children who have autism. Here are some steps you might need to take to convince a child to share materials:

1) Play games where you are absolutely needed to make the game possible or where you are needed to make the game fun! Turn on and off a faucet that is difficult for the child to turn on. Help the child jump higher than he or she can jump alone on a home trampoline. Use spinning tops that are hard for the child to wind up. Take items one-by-one, off of a high shelf that the child cannot reach and give each item to the child. Tear off pieces of painter's tape for your child to put on to a large beach ball, a sliding glass window or somewhere safe to stick tape on. Some children prefer to remove tape, so in that case, you tear off tape place the tape on something even the child's arm or leg if the child enjoys this.

2) Make sure you are playing at the right level of intensity. You can make games more fun by clearly expressing enjoyment while you are playing. Many children enjoy it when adults are more animated and use dramatic voices in play. Some children are overwhelmed by this and need adults to talk less and more quietly--even stand a bit further away. I have worked with children who needed me to stay on the other side of a piece of furniture when we first started to play or the child needed to wrap a blanket around themselves like a protective second skin before they could play. Just observe and modify your intensity and proximity to the child as needed.

Maintaining Control of the Toys: The dad above is helping his son understand that his father is the source of cool things as he hands over toys, one-by-one. If dad had dumped the toys on the floor between them and then tried to play beside his son, dad would have been perceived as interfering every time he touched a puzzle piece and dad would been a source of irritation every time he talked, in part become language is so hard for this child to process. Dad would have been the taker of toys rather than the giver of toys. Even the words the father speaks come during a pause in the play, as the son is about to get another piece and not while he is playing. This makes the words easier to focus on for his son.

Sharing: Social play often requires that one child does not get all the toys. Parents and teachers explain using complicated language that this is an important social expectation. It requires that the child have both the language skills and the social awareness to make sense of what feels like a poor bargain. It is too hard and makes social play too unpleasant for many youngsters who do not have the needed language or social skills. But still we need a young child who has not yet developed those language and social skills to learn to willingly allow a play partner to touch and use toys . It is easier if the adult maintains control of the toys by having them in a container. Using new toys or toys that the child never plays independently with can be helpful. The adult may also need to endure a period of protest as the child tries to get all the toys. Typically, as a child understands that the adult intends to give the toys over, one-by-one, the protest ceases and the child begins to enjoy the game.

Toward Taking Turns: In the game above, dad has the role of toy giver, and his son's role is toy dismantler. It is helpful to mentally give a name to the role each person is playing, if only for the adult to remain clear and not jump in and start to take the child's role. In many games where children take turns, the role of one person is to wait and watch while the other person plays. Gradually, teaching a child to wait and watch, becomes important but in this case, taking turns does not require that the child watch his father use a toy that the child wants for himself. That kind of turn taking will come later. There is a natural moment in this game where the child shifts attention to his father to get another puzzle piece and during that moment, his father gives the toy and the name of the toy.

This game can be varied over time with new toys, new words, new ways of handing over toys. It need not be puzzle pieces, but another day it is colorful balls that the father give his son to roll down a slope, or it is shapes to put in a shape sorter, or blocks for his son to stack.

What if the child will not come and sit beside an adult to play? Well then you are dealing with a Little Wanderer and new skills are required to begin social play.

What does a Little Wanderer look like?

Some young children with autism move around constantly in a way that may appears aimless. Often, this child is moving away from the person trying to engage them in play. The child picks up a toy and then drops it a moment later, touches a glass table and then darts to the heating vent. The child stares for a moment into space and then runs across the room to the cabinet where the cabinet door maybe opened and shut, opened and shut, opened and shut a dozen times before the child is off again. The route may always be different or may always be exactly the same. In a classroom, this is the preschool child that does not come to group, sit at the table with other children or play with toys in the pretend play area. Some little wanderers clearly have a favorite spot, like, close to a window where the child spends a lot of time looking out, maybe flapping their arms, intently staring even when there is nothing but a wispy cloud in the sky.

When you really work to engage the little wanderer, there may be a protest. Even the parent, trying to join this child may be studiously ignored punished with screams that feel like a social rejection. One day, I met a child like this at the University clinic where I supervised graduate students and also saw young children with autism who were too difficult for graduate students to engage. I was being observed by students from an under graduate class. The professor teaching the class, a friend, later told me that the students reported that I was someone who did not have good rapport with children. That is what it feels like. Imagine the dismay of a first time parent who believes their child does not like them. Still, many persistent parent tries and tries to engage their child. They offer toys that the child seems to like, but when the parent touches the toy, the child runs away or grabs the toy and runs.

The little wanderer is not yet verbal or may be minimally verbal or even intermittently verbal. This child ignores people who talk and the more they talk, the more avoidant the child becomes. It may seem like the child does not understand language at all. And yet, mention the word TRAIN even quietly in a different room and the child seems to hear the word and responds with the sound that a train makes, with uncanny accuracy. Or, as one father reported about his almost entirely nonverbal son, "Ask the right question and Aaron will answer you!" This dad had walked into the house after work one day and asked the dog "Where is mom?" Upstairs on the top step of the staircase, Aaron answered "Kitchen." It is not surprising that parents and even teachers may believe that a child such as Aaron is just choosing to ignore everyone and choosing not to talk.

Aaron was a Little Wanderer who seemed to me was like a radio often not quite tuned in, neurologically, to language. Occasionally, all the neurological stars align and Aaron might understand a question and even be able to answer that questions. Most of the time, Aaron dashed around his house, opening and shutting door and tapping on the rails of his staircase. He stared, even as a baby, at one painting in his house.

Language is not the way to draw this child into social engagement

Prior to the development of language skills, a child with autism often resides entirely in the perceptual world rather than the conceptual world. In this world, the child experiences or perceives an object that floats and another that that fits snugly on their feet. Once language is Where we might see a balloon floating or a shoe that we purchased from Famous Footware. The physical experience for us is neither as compelling or as immediate because while the child living in the sensory world with the physical experience of a balloon or a shoe, you and I are able to process the concept of a balloon as associated with parties and birthdays. We see food as tasty or not, as does the child. But to this child, food is an experience of something that mysteriously disappears into the mouth. It may be smelly enough to cause a gag, or frighteningly gooey. A toilet paper roll is not unroll off of a tube, bounce when dropped, open and shut, spin. You and I call these experiences a balloon, a shoe, food, toilet paper, a ball, a door, a spinning top. We know the words and the concepts associated with these objects and the fact that a balloon floats into the sky is just one aspect of balloon that we understand when we see a balloon.

A Little Wanderer Story

Andy is a child who seems, like so many other children I have known, to ignore people and to live happily in the perception of objects--the roundness, the lightness of weight, the sound of bouncing, the creak or the slam, all of these sensations. He does not appear to be intentionally investigating the cause and effect properties of this world but his attention is caught, at least momentarily by things that provide him with an interesting sensory experience. Sometimes he does an activity over and over, like closing doors. Even this repeated activity looks unintentional as though each time he sees a door open he just happens to close it. But, more and more, Andy has been repeating things that give him an interesting sensory experience.

Andy is Emotionally Vulnerable Living Moment-to-Moment

It seems like Andy's entire life is good or bad, moment-to-moment, based upon whatever is happening in that moment. While flipping lights on and off, Andy's life is happy. Andy does not decide his life is happy, it just feels happy to control the light. While having his teeth brushed, his life is unbearable because it feels bad to have that brush in his mouth. Eating pizza, life is perfect. Andy is just like other guys around pizza. You can't comfort Andy to help him through his bad moments-you just have to wait for him to be distracted into a different moment and hope it is a better moment for him.

Introducing Myself to Andy

When I first meet a child like Andy, I go to his perceptual world to be with him. I bring with me new perceptual experiences that I offer to him as a token of friendship. I introduce myself with something that he will find cool and at first, it does not seem like Andy notices me at all. At first he just notices my stuff if I bring the right stuff. I have met other kids like Andy so I know to bring a roll of tape to rip off in pieces and stick on his knees, the walls, and toy. I stick tape on any toy he picks up. He might scream a few times but he starts to really like the feeling of taking sticky tape off his toys or his knees or the wall. I also bring a toy top that both spins and lights up and if he finds my top interesting, I am pleased to show him how to spin it. But it is hard to do so he is dependent on me to make it spin for many days. I intentionally become the source of new sensory experiences and a co-participant in each activity--even if it does not seem like he notices I am there. As a co-participant, I genuinely like the rip and the feel of tape sticking on this and on that. I become engaged in the perceptual world with Andy. In fact, I show Andy how to be more intentional in his pursuit of sensory experiences. I show him how to bring more curiosity and energy to these experiences.

Doing Things Together

I genuinely perceive and enjoy whatever I am doing with Andy. I bring a kind of energy to what I am doing that Andy can hardly ignore. If I can't enjoy the rip and stickiness of tape with Andy--if I just dole out the tape for him for him to enjoy, then I am offering him a new solitary experience not a new social experience. I not only join Andy, I help him become aware that we are in a joint venture. I do everything I can think of to help him understand that I am an important part of the play experience. The roll of sticky tape is placed after every single time we use it on a high shelf. Every single time we want to get a piece off to put it on a new toy, I reach up to get it off the shelf with effort and drama. Since I only take a small piece off at a time the process is silly of course but it draws me, Andy's play partner, into his world over and over for as long as he is enjoying sticky tape. I am not doing this to reward Andy for interacting with me--but rather to highlight that we are both involved in the experience of tape. I know that sensory experiences can be so absorbing that Andy could forget that I am there if I don't find a way to help him shift his attention back and forth between the tape and his play partner, me.

Leading Andy into the Conceptual World

I don't just conspicuously join Andy, I often start to add a conceptual framework to our common experience. I use single words and scripted phrases like Ready, set, go! When Andy understands that the words Ready, set, go! make things happen, he is entering the conceptual world of words where words have power. It is just the first step, but if he says Go! after I say Ready, Set, ..... then I know he is trying to see if the word will work for him.

At this point, I usually begin to use pictures with activities that we do. I pull out a large phot of Masking Tape and then get the Masking Tape out. I pull out a large picture of Spinning Tops and then I get the tops out. I am showing him symbols both verbal and visual of things that matter to him. If he shows an interest in my pictures, I will start to pull two out at a time. "First tape", I will say, "then Spinners".

First/Then is a conceptual framework that allows us to "discuss" what the next perceptual experiences will be. My next First/Then card might show a picture of running then drinking. I know Andy loves to run and he loves juice. He won't care what order these two activities come in, but he might notice what order they come in if I show him pictures in a First/Then sequence often enough. The First/Then sequence of pictures begins to provide information that is interesting to Andy, like the weather report is interesting to me in the morning.

Words and Pictures are a Way to Inform

When I first start using single words or pictures and even when I first introduce a First/Then card, I don't think about the card as a way to control Andy's behavior. I am not trying to get Andy to do the first activity in order to be rewarded with the second activity although this will be an option at some point. But not at first. I want Andy to be curious and interested in the pictures and he will not like pictures if I use them to control his behavior from the start. I also don't want to squander this teaching opportunity on trying to teach compliance at the beginning because I have a more ambitious aim. I want Andy to become interested in the world of concepts. I want him to see pictures as a comment. First/Then tells him which good thing is going to happen next. This is a different world entirely from the world of sticky tape on the knee or watching a top spin or running and drinking. It is the world of thinking about something that is not presently occurring. That is what makes it conceptual rather than perceptual.

The Conceptual World Gets Bigger

As time goes on, and I have firmly secured Andy as a willing play partner, I will teach him more and more about the conceptual world with visuals. For many children, it takes several months of playing Come Be With Me and Cause and Effect games before a child has developed the social and cognitive skills needed to move into a more complex conceptual world. Some children, though, start to understand words and/or pictures quickly and even start to use some words or pictures to communicate. Whenever a child starts to show a real understanding of words and/or pictures, I expand the child's conceptual world to include visual choice boards. With a visual choice board, a child can look at several possible sensory activities and choose the next one. "Hmmm," I might say, pointing at a photo of the spinners first and then a balloon, "Spinners or Balloon?" If Andy does not make a choice by touching one, looking at one, or saying the word, I make a choice and this is what we do. As soon as Andy can make a choice with a visual schedule, we move on to creating a visual schedule.

A visual picture schedule include several planned activities listed in a sequence. Andy can then see that the plan for us together is to 1) play with tape 2) brush teeth 3) watch a light-up top spin. A visual schedule can expand Andy's conceptual world to include several activities and suddenly Andy is not so vulnerable, emotional to the event of the moment. If we put these three activities on a single visual schedule, Andy can decide if life is good or bad based on a larger time frame. Life does not see so terrible, even when there is a toothbrush in your mouth if you know that you will soon be playing with a light-up top spinning. A sequence like this is not just a way to offer a reward to a child for enduring the tooth brushing routine, it is a way to offer a child a wider view where he can anticipate better times ahead.

With these picture symbols, arranged in different ways, Andy and I can directly, and specifically communicate about experiences that will occur or that have already occurred. We can still be together in the moment's activity but we can also think together about what will soon occur. We can be happy and excited about the idea of ripping tape together. I can commiserate with him regarding the upcoming tooth brushing nightmare. We both can anticipate with joy the moment that we will have when we spin the top together. We share emotions and ideas prior to any of this happening in the perceptual world. After we complete our visual schedule list, we can look at that visual schedule and emotionally, re-live it all together. We can even interpret it all in a new way as Andy learns new language . "Tape was too sticky--I don't like sticky on my hands!" "Tooth brushing was Yucky!." (I can suggest the possibility that it was just uncomfortable not unbearable.) "Spinning Top was so cool!" It might be many, many months and for some children, even years before the child can think ahead with me and reflect like this, but this is the process that allows a child like Andy to become a friend who likes to be with me as much as I like to be with him.

Together, we have created a meeting ground for communication. It is ground that spans between the conceptual and perceptual world.