If you have a difficult or complex question, introduce it first with "I know this will be tough to answer so please take your time". This is more likely to elicit a considered response and doesn't put the other person on the defensive. Ask your question and try to stay silent until you get an answer: the longer it takes to get answer, the more powerful the answer is likely to be

Confirm and clarify

• Ask yourself exactly what you want to gain from the conversation: a lack of clarity can lead to confusion and poor decisions.
• Asking clarifying questions: "How?", "Why?", "When?", "Who?", "What?", "Where?", will help the other person crystallise their thoughts.
• Summarise the main points in simple language.
• Get the other person's agreement that your summary is accurate.
• Define the problem and then move the focus to the solution: separate the points that relate to the problem and those that relate to the solution.
• Agree on the action you will both take: even if this is that there will be no action. `

Jargon free language

A survey of managers by the Institute of Leadership found that the most most irritating jargon/management speak phrases were "thinking outside the box", "going forward" and "let's touch base", so try to avoid such phrases when applying for jobs.

• Use simple words and clear unambiguous language.
• Be succinct: take time and effort to distill ideas to an absolute minimum.
• Make simple points that everyone agrees on.
• Use the active not passive voice. "I will send it to you" rather than "It will be sent to you".
• Avoid Jargon!
  • NOT: "We need to incentivize our best of breed to think outside the box in focusing our core competencies on mission critical key deliverables."
  • BUT: "We should motivate our staff to use their skills on important tasks".
  • For help with removing jargon see the Plain English Campaign

Giving feedback

• Feedback has also been called constructive criticism.
• Only give feedback if the gain will exceed the pain: only use it for important things.
• Praise more than you criticise! Identifying and developing strengths is more effective than focusing too much on negatives.
• Constructive criticism which shows the person how they can improve. Not "Debbie was hopeless!", but "Debbie made some very useful contributions but her voice was a bit quiet. I couldn't hear her very well, so she needs to raise her voice a bit in future."
• It's a good idea to ask permission: "Do you mind if I give you some feedback?". This gives the person time to prepare.
• Try to give feedback immediately: on the spot if possible: it's most effective when fresh in the person's mind. The more quickly it is given the more relevance and power it will have.
• Be direct and honest. Get quickly to the point, don't have long and embarrasing introductions, although starting with some genuine praise based on what the person has actually done will help (see the praise sandwich below).
• Give feedback in private if at all possible, it's insensitive to do this in front of others.
• Focus on the most concrete and recent example
  • Stick to a single clear issue, don't pack in too much criticism as this can be disheartening.
  • Don't repeat the same point over and over: this will just build up resentment.
  • Only criticise behaviours that can be changed: "You need to improve your computing skills" rather than "You're stupid"!
  • Give feedback on a person's behaviour not about the person themselves. Give accurate descriptions of behaviour not comments about the person's qualities and worth as an individual: "You have been late for work a lot in the last month"rather than :"You're lazy"!
  • Don't compare the person with other people, as this can build jealousy: "Jane is always punctual"Use "I" not "You" statements: "I feel upset" not "You made me feel upset".
  • Use specific examples. Don't say "You're hopeless at this", say "We need to give you training on how to do this"!
    • describe the behaviour
    • describe your reaction
    • explain why you feel this way
    • show you understand what's behind their behaviour
    • suggest a different way of behaving
  • Stick to facts: describe behaviour but also what happened as a result.
  • The best decisions are those people reach for themselves. Try not to tell the other person directly what they should and shouldn't do. Let them explore their behaviour and say themselves what needs to be done. This avoids the build up of resentment.
• Allow the criticised person to express any concerns they may have.
  • Use tentative words such as "sometimes" and "perhaps" rather than "always" and "never": these allow the other person to avoid argument by saying that "always" is not strictly true.
  • Keep your emotions under control.
  • At the end, Check understanding: "Does what I've said make sense to you?" and summarise what you've agreed.
  • Talk openly about your own concerns if necessary.
  • Include positive comments. The praise sandwich can be an effective way to give criticism to someone without alienating them:
    1. First make a positive statement to the person: "I think you are really trying your best"
    2. Then the criticism "But you need to structure your essay more logically".
    3. Make another positive statement to finish "However it's a very good first attempt"
  1. If you are recieving feedback youself, try to accept it in a positive and non-defensive manner.

Giving Praise

• Tell people something they have done that you like or what you like about them.
• Give them thanks if they have done something for you. Even a simple thank you can make a big difference.
• Give encouragement. If someone is not sure that they are able to do something, give them encouragement if you think they can do it.
• Describe positive behaviour and it's effect in concrete terms "I really appreciate how you took the time to ...."
• Respond to praise by thanking the person.

Apologising.

Being able to say sorry if you have done something wrong, but in an assertive rather than a passive way.

A study at the University of Utah found that if you ask someone why he is friendly with someone else, he’ll say it is because he and his friend share similar attitudes. But if you actually quiz the two of them on their attitudes, you’ll find out that what they actually share is similar activities. We’re friends with the people we do things with, as much as we are with the people we resemble. We don’t seek out friends, in other words. We associate with the people who occupy the same small, physical spaces that we do.

Malcolm Gladwell: The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference

Good conversations

• Should be two way with both parties equally involved and interested. It is a shared experience. It is a partnership like a dance: you respond to each other's movements and are both winners.
• Build them around respect: treat other people the way you want to be treated yourself. The atmosphere should feel comfortable: like plants, conversations need good ground to take root and flourish.
• Talk about mainly positive things. People who talk about good news tend to cheer people up whereas people who always talk in negatives tend to depress the people they are talking to! Obviously there must be a balance, as sometimes we must talk about unhappy events, but make sure you don't do this too much. You wion't go far wrong if you use the old adage: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"
• There should be a willingness to be open on both sides. Each person has the opportunity to express their point of view and feelings. Relationships develop through conversations where we open up and exchange details to create closeness.
• Always address someone by their first name if you know this. It shows that you are treating them as an individual.
• A good conversation makes a difference; something useful happens and it has a satisfying conclusion.
• Nod your head from time to time to encourage the speaker.
• Leave spaces: stay silent for a few seconds. Don't talk for too long: our attention only lasts a few minutes before we need a break. Cut your story into bite sized chunks to allow breathing space.
• Make descriptions specific: don't generalise or use clichés. Be precise and concrete.
• Ask the speaker to elaborate on major points.
• Regularly summarising can improve the quality and accuracy of your conversations. Feed brief summaries back into the conversation.
• When starting conversations show that you value the other person's attention: "I'd really like your opinion about ....."

Bad conversations

• We make guesses and assumptions rather than listening properly. Assumption is the enemy of good communication; we assume that the other person is just like us. Avoid prejudice and presumption. Similarities between people make communication possible, but differences make it worthwhile.
• We score points off each other and apply pressure.
• Our opinions and feelings are denied: we feel under attack, ignored, patronised, put down and threatened.

Progression of conversations with people you don't know

Begin with light topics such as the weather and later move onto more serious topics.

1. Light conversation/small talk
2. Humour
3. Friendly gossip
4. Affection
5. Support
6. Problem solving
7. Discussing deep subjects
   1. Managing turn-taking when talking to another person
   2. First the speaker makes eye contact
   3. The speaker then looks away whilst speaking but makes eye contact from time to time to see whether listener wants their turn to speak
   4. If the listener doesn't want to speak they will nod or break eye contact or say something like " uh huh" or "yes"
   5. If the listener wants to to take their turn to speak they will look the speaker in the eye or lean forward or perhaps raise their finger in the air

Here are answers to the sort of question you might get on application forms or at interview to test your communication skills.

EVIDENCE FOR SPEAKING SKILLS

Joining a campus drama group.

Getting involved in a debating society.

Seminars

Working as a receptionist in a vacation job

Can you give me an example of a time when you have had to argue your case and convince another person of its merits?

CONTEXT

I had a lot of trouble managing my finances during my first year at University. I ignored the first couple of letters from the bank manager but eventually I had to meet her to explain the situation and persuade her to let me run quite a large overdraft until the end of the academic year.

ACTION:

Before I went to see the bank manager, I drew up a cash flow forecast to show how I would economise through the rest of the year & how much I would still need to spend on essentials. I also found a job in a pub for two evenings a week.

RESULT:

The bank manager was very impressed with my figures and let me have a larger overdraft than I'd expected! With my part-time job and another job in the summer vacation I managed to pay off the overdraft by the start of my second year. I won't say that I've never been in debt since because its quite hard to manage as a student, but I've never let my finances get out of control again.

How have you used your communication skills to persuade others to follow your lead?

CONTEXT

I have been involved with the Parent-Teacher Association at the local primary school since my elder son first started there. The PTA organises a number of fund-raising events which have involved me in persuading people to buy raffle tickets, display posters in shop windows, donate prizes, etc. Three years ago, the PTA produced a book to mark the school's 25th anniversary and, as a member of the editorial committee, I helped to decide on the content and format of this book.

ACTION

The school governors wanted an "official" history, but I represented the PTA in arguing that a collection of reminiscences of past pupils would be more readable and saleable. This was agreed and we then contacted ex-pupils through mailshots based on old school registers and features in the local newspaper and on local radio. The response was excellent and the only problem was in sifting and editing the letters we were sent.

I then negotiated with local printers to find the best quote and

RESULT

persuaded local shops of all kinds (not just booksellers) to sell the publication.

See our competencies page for more about how to answer these types of question.