Brain Boosts

Benefits of Nature

We were blessed to have a guest speaker at this month's Parent Association meeting, Rebecca P Cohen, who spoke about spending more time with your children outside. Research shows that children (and adults) are less stressed and more productive when they can spend part of their day outside. Children and parents feel more connected to each other and bond over this shared activity. There are academic benefits too. Rebecca spoke about having her children do their homework outside on a picnic blanket. Being in nature has a calming effect on our brain, allowing us to focus better on what we are learning. Also, by varying settings, our cognitive function improves, including our memory. Our brains are constantly making and storing connections. If you study outside, when it's time for the test, our brain can recall the setting, which will boost your child's ability to remember what they were learning. I hope you spend more time outside with your children...remember how fun it is to splash in puddles?

Technology: Blessing or Curse?

Technology. Is it a blessing or a curse? We live in a world where technology is essential, but it also causes problems. We socialize less, text more, hunker down inside on our devices, and forget to appreciate nature and all its beauty. And that's just adults! Kids and teens have a much harder time breaking away from the lure of social media and video games, especially those with Executive Functioning Deficits. Why is this? Video games are designed to give us immediate feedback, which activates the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure, dopamine, in our brain. Our brains crave more, and it is difficult to stop playing and pay attention to anything else. As parents, we need to help our children set limits on their screen time. Please take a moment to review these 9 tips from the experts:

Nine Tactics for Limiting Technology Use

There is also this great resource:

Video Games and the ADHD Brain

Negative Bias

Did you know our brains are wired to focus more on the negative than the positive? Ten people could say you did a good job, but we agonize over the one that said we didn't. Our brains are wired to have a negative bias, so we need to consciously work on the positive. As parents, this is especially true. Instead of asking your child, "How was your day?", try saying "Tell me something good that happened at school." When a test comes home and there are answers incorrect, try looking at all the ones that were right and asking "How did you figure those out?" We can train our children at a young age to be more positive. I hope you all have a positive, happy weekend!

Don't Steal your Child's Struggle

You have heard teachers ask you not to "steal your child's struggle". But what does that mean from a brain based perspective? The brain is plastic, which means that it can change over time. We can develop and grow new brain cells. This growth happens at the point of struggle. When we really tax our brain to solve a problem, we are actually creating new neurotransmitters. It's similar to what happens when we exercise. When our muscles are stretched to the point of failure, they have to repair themselves and grow new muscle fibers. As parents, we often want to save our children from failure. But when we do that, we also prevent them from growing. When I hear a student say "This is so hard!", I respond with "How lucky! Your brain is growing!"

Exercise and the Brain

I had the pleasure of attending a conference this week about physical exercise and brain function. The take-away: exercise is good for our health and our minds! The research to support both is astounding. Exercise improves learning on 3 different levels. First, it optimizes mindset by improving alertness, attention, motivation and mood regulation. Next, it prepares and encourages new nerve cells to bind together, which is the cellular basis for learning. And physical activity also spurs the creating of new nerve cells from stem cells in the hippocampus, the brain's center for memory and learning. Optimally, we would all exercise before work or school to get our minds primed for the day. If that is not possible, get outside after school and move around. Ride bikes, take a hike, play a game of tennis. Does homework have to be completed inside? Why not take a walk around the neighborhood and quiz your child at the same time? Practice math facts while shooting baskets. It will be good for your body, mind and spirit!

Buddy Awareness

Children are easily distracted, especially at home. There is so much to do that it can be hard for them to settle down to do homework. I suggest having your child work in the same room as you. You don't have to sit next to them, actually, you shouldn't unless they need specific help on a problem. Continue about your business, cooking dinner, reading, working on the computer, but have your child nearby. I call it "buddy awareness", and it is a technique based upon the notion that we are more productive when someone is near us. Think about it. Aren't you more likely to get work done if there is a colleague in the room? I had a college professor that hired an undergrad to file papers (that didn't need to be filed) simply because the presence of another human made her focus more. Of course, set limits in that space by having the TV off and other distractions minimized. And don't become a distraction yourself. Just wait until homework is completed for conversation and play.

Fair is Not Equal

Yesterday was Educator Day for the Diocese. I hope you all enjoyed an extra day with your children. I had the honor of presenting about Accommodations in the Classroom. We spent a lot of time discussing that "Fair is not Equal" and what that means. At school, each child comes with their own unique needs and learning styles. Each child gets what they need from the teacher, and that is not necessarily equal and exact. Some children need more attention or different seating arrangements or more time. Sometimes students think that is not fair, and we teach them that "everyone gets what they need". Think of when you have a sick child at home. Do you give him more attention? Does she get a special meal? Medicine? That is plenty fair, as that is what that child needs at the time, but it's not equal, as you don't give your other children medicine or keep them home from school. But you don't love that well child any less. We strive to help children understand this at school, and we hope that you help them at home too.

Morning Exercise

The early bird gets the worm. Not only that, but we now know the early bird can focus longer at school. Research shows that people (yes, children and adults) that exercise in the morning are able to sustain their attention longer throughout the day. This may seem counterintuitive, as you would think children would be more tired if they get up earlier, but the contrary is true. By adding physical activity to their morning routine, children are more alert, better focused, and have longer retention rates with what they are learning. Now that our days are getting longer, try getting out in the morning by taking a walk, riding bikes, or simple exercises (a few jumping jacks never hurt!). Our Healthy LifeStars program is another great way to start your morning with activity. Have a blessed Easter and Spring Break!

Validating Feelings

Kids want to be validated. Whether it makes sense to us or not, knowing that someone understands their feelings goes a long way to helping them be successful. True story: My daughter was upset this weekend. I wanted to help her, so I put on my SuperMom cape and began asking lots of questions, trying to understand her emotional state. Because she is of the age to articulate very well, she replies "Mom, this isn't helping. I know you have read hundreds of parenting books. What do they say to do?" Yes, sass and all. But it helped me reflect. So I said, "I see you are upset. You are hurting. Something is bothering you, but you aren't ready to talk about it. I am here for you when you are ready." Her reply, "Wow, mom, whoever wrote those books really knows what they are talking about. I DO feel better." I didn't solve anything. But I put her need for validation above my own need to know her pain. Eventually she did share what was wrong, but on her time, not mine. A lesson I needed reminding of. Helpful hint: this works with spouses and friends too!

Absolutes and Choices

Parenting is challenging. We get mixed messages between when to demand things of our children and when to give them choices. One recommendation I have is to discern between "absolutes" and choices. Let's take teeth brushing. This is an absolute. You would not give your child a choice in whether they to brush or not. But within that "absolute", there is wiggle room for choice. Your child can choose which toothbrush, which toothpaste, whether to brush before or after bath time, etc. We want our children to feel like they have some control over their choices, but they cannot control the absolutes. That is our job as parents. Giving over too much autonomy to our children diminishes our authority as parents and, quite frankly, is just too much for children to manage. They need structure, limits, and boundaries. Choice is good, but absolutes are necessary.

Labeling Emotions

It's important that we help our children label their emotions and behaviors. We feel emotions throughout the day: anger, sadness, joy, gratitude, frustration, and so much more. Kids have these feelings too, but they don't know what to call them. A child may cry for a multitude of reasons, and it is our job to help them identify which emotion the tears are linked to. Giving children the language to identify their emotions goes a long way in helping them regulate their feelings, problem solve, as well as showing that you understand, validate and empathize with their situation. Let's say your child is crying because a friend couldn't come over for a playdate. They may say "I am mad", and you can help differentiate between being mad and frustrated. As parents, we can then come up with strategies to deal with frustration. Once the child links the feeling to the word, we have empowered them to identify that feeling when it arises again and seek the appropriate responses. This is not just for children - it's important for us all and will help with friendships, marriage, and professional relationships.

Summer Skills

It's time to think about summer. I'm so excited the weather has been mild this week, but in one short month it will be hot, and the kids will be out of school. It's important that children are reading and using math throughout the summer. Everyday. Your kids have worked so hard this year, and it's too easy for a lot of their skills to fade when they don't practice on a regular basis. The key is to make it fun! Some kids love to sit with a math workbook and work out problems, but for others, that is an arduous chore. Tie math into everyday life - have the kids help cook and work with fractions, play card games, show them how to calculate the tip in a restaurant, or figure out the best deal on their favorite snack at the grocery store. Visit the library. Read for fun. Sign them up for camps. Whatever you do, there is room to make sure reading and math are alive and well everyday. These are not school skills; they are life skills!

Screenings vs Evaluations

I was asked this week, "How do I know if my child has a disability?" My first suggestion is to speak with your child's teacher. Whereas you may have only 1, 2, or 7 children, our teachers have experience with hundreds. They are well educated and see your child for a good part of the day. Trust their expertise. Teachers don't diagnose, but they can tell you if your child's behavior or performance is developmentally appropriate. Your next step is to speak with your pediatrician, another expert in child development. The doctor has been tracking your child's development since birth, and they look at vision, hearing, nutrition, sleep, and medical concerns that could be impacting your child's performance. If the teacher and doctor have concerns, they may refer you for a screening. Screenings are not the same as evaluations. A screening is designed to isolate specific deficits to see if a full evaluation is warranted. Many community providers can administer a screening, but only licensed psychologists can conduct evaluations. Finally, if you are still unsure, please make an appointment with me, and I can help with your concerns.

Establishing Routine

This week, I want to focus on ROUTINE. As we transition back to school, I cannot stress enough how important establishing a home routine is for your children. This means consistent bedtimes and nightly reading time. Routine doesn't necessarily mean sameness, but it does means consistency and reliability. You don't have to always have Taco Tuesdays, but try to eat dinner at a consistent time. That might mean 6pm on Monday, but 7pm on Tuesday because of football practice. The brain craves consistency. When you build a routine you no longer need to consciously think of the steps anymore because the brain has built a pathway that becomes automatic. Do you have to think of every turn you make when you drive to school? Probably not, because your brain is so used to it, it's on autopilot. That's what we want at home. Think of the peace that you'll gain when your children know what is expected because you've established a routine (homework, dinner, bath, read, brush teeth, bed). And the morning madness? How nice it will be when that settles down. Routines will take weeks to establish. Children may resist. Don't give up. It will payoff in the end!

Routines = Freedom

A few weeks ago I spoke about how important it is to establish routines for your child to establish peace in your home. If that isn't reason enough, I want to share a few more. By having predictability in your daily life, your brain is free for creativity. When we no longer have to think about simple tasks, there is a freedom to think more deeply and critically. It also takes willpower to think through daily tasks. The more we use our willpower, the quicker it becomes depleted. This is even more true for individuals with Executive Functioning Deficits or ADHD. It takes energy to focus on every detail throughout the day. When focus is already a challenge, we need to create a system to help our children find success. Establishing a consistent routine is the first step!

Pencil Grip Screenings

This week SFX received an amazing gift. Megan Eldridge, an Occupational Therapist expert, and her team from Scribble2Script provided pencil grip assessments to almost all of our students ages 4-7. Hopefully you received a flyer explaining what was recommended and why. Holding a pencil correctly starting at a young age is very important. Not only does it lead to better handwriting, but it also contributes to less hand fatigue. This may not seem like a big deal when the children are writing one or two sentences, but it has lasting effects on their fine motor skills. The impact is felt in the future when they are expected to write paragraphs. There is a direct correlation between children that dislike writing (because their hand gets tired) and the way they hold their pencil or position their wrist. Some students were recommended a slant board. This is a dry erase board that is propped up to stabilize the wrist in the proper position. Again, this will greatly reduce hand fatigue. The students all seemed very excited to receive their new tools and understand how to write better!

Arizona Catholic Schools Disability Fund

Have you heard of the Arizona Catholic Schools Disability Fund? This is a nonprofit organization founded by one of our parents, Lisa Fischer. The organization's mission is to bring resources and information about students with learning challenges to Catholic schools in Arizona. One of their amazing accomplishments is a grant that has translated into a Toolkit that each school in the Diocese received. There are items to help students with many different challenges: reading, writing, math, executive functioning, sensory, movement, attention, fine motor skills, and much more! We are so grateful to have been given this tremendous gift. The ACSDF is also sponsoring a parent event on October 2 to bring awareness and information about educating students with learning challenges in Catholic schools. I am on the panel and am honored to speak about my experience. You are all invited to attend! I hope to see you there!

Child First Language

I want to take a moment to talk about the etiquette when referring to students that have challenges. When I first started teaching Special Education, we labelled students as disabled. This never sat well with me, and it still doesn't. Nobody wants to be defined by the characteristic that they struggle with. I don't want to be "the short teacher" nor does a student want to be the "dyslexic child" because that does not define who he or she is. I encourage everyone to use "child first language" meaning you would say "she has autism" or "he is diagnosed with ADHD." This allows us to preserve the dignity of the human spirit by identifying the struggle without diminishing the child's strengths and uniqueness. I don't even like the terms "special education" or "giftedness". Aren't we all special and gifted in our own way? Let's celebrate the beauty that lies within each of us.

Disability Sensitivity

Have you ever offended someone but didn't mean to? I know I have, and it's a humbling experience. We do this often when we refer to someone's disability as our own. Unless you have one of these conditions (ADHD, dyslexia, OCD, bipolar, etc) we have no idea what it is like to walk in that person's shoes. I often hear, "I must be ADHD today" or "I'm having an OCD moment". What we often don't realize it that those words have very real and hurtful implications. When we flippantly refer to someone else's disability, we actually minimize their struggle. And there is no such thing as having a disability today or for a moment. People cope with these conditions for a lifetime. I think with awareness and sensitivity, we can all do better to preserve the dignity of all people, regardless of their struggle.

Spread the Word to End the Word

Spread the Word to End the Word. If you haven't heard this phrase, it is in reference to the R-word, which is "retard" or "retardation". There is a national campaign for people to pledge ending the use of the R word as a derogatory comment. When the word "mental retardation" was originally used, it was a clinical term to describe a person with an intellectual impairment. Somewhere along the way it became a slur, used as an insult to call someone "stupid" or the like. As a response to public attention to the derogatory slang, the medical and educational community has changed their terminology completely. My hope is that with more education and awareness, WE can change OUR culture of using the R word completely. In order to maintain the dignity of all humans of all ability levels, we must adopt a more inclusive attitude, and that starts with our language. This may be easier said than done, as it can be intimidating to correct someone else when they use the term. I've decided to simply say, "that word offends me" and if invited to explain, I help them understand why. I hope you will join me in pledging to Spread the Word to End the Word. Please go to r-word.org for more information.

ADHD Awareness

October is ADHD awareness month. ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The name is problematic as many professionals agree that this is a misnomer. Technically, people with ADHD do not have a "deficit" of attention. The issue is not being able to attend, rather those with ADHD have difficulty prioritizing their attention. This is why you may hear, "My child can't be ADHD - they can focus on video games for hours." Of course they can. It's easy to prioritize attention to something that is highly motivating, rewarding, or pleasurable. The challenge comes when the task at hand is not stimulating or very difficult. Then it is harder to maintain focus on those tasks and other items (squirrel!) grab their attention. Sometimes people with ADHD can hyperfocus, which means they put so much attention into a task, it's difficult to transition to something else. Again, prioritizing attention is the challenge. For more information about ADHD, I recommend subscribing to Additude magazine (www.additudemag.com).

ADHD Evaluation

ADHD Awareness month continues. Now that we understand a little more about ADHD, the question often is "How do I know if my child has ADHD?" A proper diagnosis is paramount. My first suggestion is to start with your pediatrician. In most cases, this doctor has developmentally been tracking your child since birth and can see patterns in behavior that would warrant a referral to a specialist that diagnoses ADHD. Professionals in the community that are trained to diagnose ADHD are developmental pediatricians, neuropsychologists, and clinical psychologists. Please recognize that a quick observation in the doctor's office is not sufficient to diagnose ADHD. Clinicians must take into account behaviors at home and school. Testing should never be limited to one evaluator and one setting. Input from parents and teachers is necessary. One simple checklist is not enough either. ADHD is often misdiagnosed when only one piece of data is taken into account. Many ADHD symptoms are similar to symptoms of depression, stress, anxiety, sleep disorders, autism, learning disabilities, sensory processing deficits, bipolar disorder, cognitive giftedness, and hormonal changes. I just learned yesterday at our Diocesan Educator Day that now children can be diagnosed with technology addiction, which has almost identical symptoms to ADHD. It's also possible that these conditions are co-morbid, which means they exist at the same time. Without proper data collection, ADHD can be misdiagnosed easily. The key is a thorough and comprehensive evaluation.

Sharing your Child's Diagnosis

Keeping with the theme of ADHD awareness, let's look at what ADHD is and what it is not. ADHD IS a brain based disorder that results in difficulty with executive functioning skills, specifically self regulation and attention. ADHD IS NOT caused by bad parenting. I bring this up because there seems to be a sense of embarrassment or shame surrounding this diagnosis. Parents are sometimes reluctant to share with the school or teachers that their child has or may have ADHD. As I rack my brain to try to figure out why this is, I can only guess that adults feel like somehow they may have contributed to their child's deficit. Or is it that we live in this culture of perfectionism, that to share this information would somehow make us less of a person? Do parents think that their child would be treated with less respect? That they will no longer be welcome? We are all God's children and will always be accepted for who we are. I liken the importance of sharing this diagnosis to sharing a medical condition. Is there shame in having asthma? No, so we share that information readily with others in order to support the child. ADHD is not something to be ashamed of or to withhold. When teachers are made aware of the child's uniqueness, they can start working on strategies to help that student succeed.

ADHD and Medication

The conversation about ADHD would not be complete without mentioning the role of medication as a viable method to manage symptoms. The decision to use pharmaceutical products for any condition must be made under the guidance of a medical professional. There is a tendency to both overmedicate and undermedicate students with ADHD. Often times parents overmedicate because they either did not receive a comprehensive evaluation and the diagnosis is inaccurate or they believe the medication will solve all the problems associated with ADHD without proper skill development. Simply put, pills don't teach skills, so even if a child is using medication to manage their focus or impulsivity, there must be an emphasis on teaching skills for organization, time management, and self regulation. On the other hand, parents may be very resistant to medicate for health reasons, concern of side effects, or fear that the medication is somehow a sign of weakness. ADHD is a medical condition with a medical remedy, like using an inhaler for a child with asthma. One parent told us that her son Mother's Day card included a note that said "Thank you for my medicine. Now I don't feel stupid anymore." Medication, when used appropriately, can make a huge difference in a child's life.

All Children Lie

All children lie. This is true. Some lies are more significant than others, but if you think that your child never tells a lie, I'm sorry to tell you that they do. Children with ADHD lie more. There are several reasons for this. It is likely that they are embarrassed about forgetting something important and want to avoid disappointing you. They possibly also want to avoid the consequence they fear you might apply. In this instance, the lie is less painful than the disappointment or consequence. A child might also lie because they are impulsive and the first thing that comes to mind is something creative, but not quite true. It's important that you work with your child to understand that the symptoms of ADHD (forgetfulness, distractibility, impulsivity) are not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. This will help decrease the tendency to cover up their mistakes with dishonesty. When met with acceptance, children will be able to work toward skill building, rather than avoidance. It's really hard to feel like the kid that messes up all the time. Love and empathy will go a long way to helping children with ADHD feel confident, secure, and truthful.

ADHD and Self Esteem

Last week I mentioned that it is hard to be the kid with ADHD because they feel like they are constantly messing up. There is a direct link between ADHD and self esteem issues. It is important that not only parents, but all adults and friends that know someone with ADHD are aware of this (and you all know someone, so basically, that's everyone!) Kids with ADHD can be impulsive and say things they don't mean. They don't necessarily have the filter to stop and think, "Those words are hurtful, I shouldn't say them." They forget homework, they seem like they are not listening, they get distracted. It is up to us, the adults, to help teach skills and not berate the child for their challenges. It is not our job to judge or label. Identify the behavior that needs addressing, then skill building can start to occur. For impulsiveness, introduce the idea of pausing before we speak, taking deep breaths, and role playing. Forgetfulness: make an action plan with visual reminders. Distractibility: make eye contact and have children repeat back what they heard. And never forget it is the behavior that needs changing, not the child. God made us perfect in His eyes, so there are no "bad" children, just those that make mistakes, as we all do.

Our Rhythmic Brain

Have you noticed the connection between rhythm and thinking? Our brains are rhythmic, searching to put our thoughts to a beat. Researchers believe that rhythm is an organizing feature of our brains, a way to make sense of all the information we hear in a day. That is why it is easier to memorize lyrics to a song than the same words not put to music. This is important when helping our children learn and retain information. The more that you can sing, march, tap, clap, snap, rap, step or stomp to a beat while learning something new, the more our brains will be able to organize the information, process it, and hold onto it in long term memory. So the next time your child is learning something new, try to add an element of music and rhythm to the task. Not only will they enjoy it more, but they will have the added bonus of holding onto the information.

Offering Incentives

In a recent conversation with a parent, we were discussing attention and focus. When a child has Executive Functioning Skills deficit or ADD/ADHD, it's important that we realize that there isn't a lack of attention; there's a lack of prioritizing attention. Kids and adults with Executive Functioning Skills deficit can focus on things that are motivating and interesting, like their favorite book, hobby, sport, or video game. But when faced with something less interesting, like homework or chores, it is easy to lose focus. Often times, this is not a deliberate choice to disobey or procrastinate, rather the way their brain is wired. So what do we do about it? One tip is to help make the less interesting task more motivating by offering small incentives. For instance: finish one homework assignment, then take an outside break for 15 minutes, then come back in and complete another. I would not incentivize with the activity that the child gets totally absorbed in - save that for last!

Calming the Stressed Brain

Ever wonder about the science behind why we don't perform well when we are stressed or anxious or emotionally charged? It all comes down to a small structure in the brain called our amygdala. It is responsible for our "fight or flight" responses. When we are threatened, our brain does not have to go through cognitive steps to respond. We just react instinctively, thanks to our amygdala. But when we perceive a threat (perhaps a high stakes test), the amygdala also reacts, causing an emotional state of anxiety. Our memory and cognition can be temporarily "blocked". So when kids say they "froze" on a test and forgot everything they studied, it is also thanks to our amygdala. It is our job to restore a sense of calm to our brain in these instances. I met with 6th graders and they helped brainstorm how to relax our minds: deep breathing, prayer, meditation, movement breaks, thinking happy thoughts, mindfulness, listening to music, and self talk. Try any of these strategies at home with your children (they work for adults too!)

Gratitude

Gratitude. It's important that we teach our children to be grateful for all the blessings in their life. This should be a daily exercise, not only reserved for the third Thursday of November. When we learn to appreciate all that God has given us, it leads to greater depth of happiness. Not just a temporary feeling of "yay!", but a lifelong sense of joy and purpose. I hope that you all had a beautiful holiday and shared the tradition of being grateful. How can we better incorporate those traditions into our daily life?

Launch Pad

Do you or your child ever forget something as you rush out the door in the morning? Be honest. We all do. Some kids (and adults!) are repeat offenders, and I recommend a "launch pad" near the door you will exit on your way to school. It can be a table, chair, desk, or anything that you must pass and see before you leave. In my house, it's the washing machine. Place whatever essentials that must get to school the next day on the launch pad (backpack, water bottle, permission slip, art project, book report, PE uniform, etc) so you have a visual reminder as you leave the house. This is best done the night before to reduce stress in the morning. Adult tip - this is also a good place for your keys :)

Bullying vs Teasing

Bullying vs Teasing: What is the difference? This is an issue that many parents, teachers, and children struggle with. Teasing, while inappropriate at times, is usually meant in jest amongst peers or siblings. Sometimes teasing gets out of hand, especially when the recipient's feelings are hurt, but the teaser did not intend for that to happen. Teasing can be positive - it shows camaraderie and a good sense of humor. Bullying is never positive. It is the repeated aggressive behavior by an individual or group of unequal power for the intention of controlling or harming another individual. The key words here are "repeated", "intention", and "controlling". Children make mistakes and say mean things sometimes. This is not bullying unless it occurs repeatedly with the intention of causing pain. But bullying is real. And the effects are long lasting. The concern is that when we label teasing as bullying, it dilutes the real pain of the actual bullied person. If your child comes home and says they are being bullied, please ask the right questions. What happened? Has this ever happened before? Did you tell an adult? Be aware of the differences between teasing and bullying because it's our job to teach our children to correctly identify their feelings and the behaviors of others. For their sake and the common good.

SMART Goals

I have been spending a lot of time teaching students to set goals for themselves. We talk about how goals need to be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timed). This really helps keep them focused on exactly what needs to be accomplished. Breaking tasks down into realistic chunks makes homework more manageable. This can translate to chores too. Instead of "I'll get my room cleaned later" (and later never comes), a better goal is "I will pick up all the clothes off the floor by 6pm." The most important part about setting goals is to reflect upon if the goal was achieved. Why or why not? How you manage to accomplish something is just as important as why you didn't. For instance, "wow, you completed all your math homework in 20 minutes, how did you do it?" If the goal was achieved, make sure to celebrate. A simple fist pump or high five sends dopamine surging through the brain, increasing the likelihood that behavior will repeat itself. And it feels good. We all like to feel good after accomplishing something. Make sure you take time to celebrate with your children too!

Structure during School Holidays

Children need structure. They also need play time, family time, travel time, and the traditions of the holidays. I hope that you all enjoy the next 2 weeks together as a family. Please remember that the transition back to school will be much smoother if you build the structure back into their routines BEFORE school resumes. This means by January 1 (or sooner), go back to normal bedtime routines. Wake children up at the same time that they would wake up during school time. Their brains and body rhythms need to reset after the break, so please help your child be their best self for 2017. We want them to start the year off with renewed energy and spirit! Many blessings for a beautiful Christmas and Happy New Year!

Make Tasks Visual

The new year is always so energizing as we plan our best and brightest resolutions. I know one common goal is to have more peace at home and make the mornings less stressful. Trying to get as much done at night is one of the best strategies (pick out clothes, pack lunches, organize backpacks). In the morning, there are still those daily rituals that need to be followed: brushing teeth, making the bed, eating breakfast, getting dressed. Making these tasks more visual for your child will reduce the sense of nagging that often accompanies the morning routine. One strategy is to take a picture of the accomplished task, print it out, and create a "morning board" for your child with magnets or clothespins. Once the task on the picture is complete, the child can turn it over. Or you can use a magnetic dry erase board (or baking pan) to create a list of morning items to be completed and have 2 columns: to do/done. Each morning have a magnet under to-do for the chores that must get done, then the child moves the magnet over to "done" when completed. Children tend not to argue with charts or magnets, so this is a win for you. I hope these ideas bring more peace in 2017!

Prioritizing Tasks

"My child can't have ADHD because they can sit for hours and focus on ______ (insert highly enjoyable activity, such as reading or playing video games)" All too often, I hear this statement from parents. In order to fully understand how it is actually possible for a child to have ADHD AND still be able to focus for long periods of time on a highly pleasurable activity, we need to go back to the definition of ADHD. It is not an actual deficit in attention, it is a deficit in the ability to PRIORITIZE attention to those activities that we are not motivated to accomplish. It is not difficult or taxing on the brain to do something fun because dopamine and seratonin are naturally produced then. It is when we need to do something less-than-pleasurable (chores or homework) when the ADHD brain needs help. This is true for all of us, not just those with the diagnosis. What to do? It is our job as parents to set limits on the pleasurable in order to accomplish the unpleasurable. The easiest way to do this is to start with the difficult tasks first, then reward with the easy or pleasurable ones. You may get push-back at first, but the ADHD brain also craves consistency and routine, so don't give in. Stay the course and your child will thank you later. You will all be happier in the long run.

Sugar and Carbohydrates

Is eating healthier on your New Year's resolution list? If it is not, it should be for not only you, but also your children. Nutrition harmonizes your brain. Complex carbs, lean protein, and certain vitamins help our brain cells carry out their functions effectively and efficiently. When your brain gets proper nutrients, three things happen. Your brain cells are better able to function, neurotransmitters (dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin) are produced, and the speed between neurotransmitters is increased. Which foods are the best to eat? For the next few weeks, I will break down a food group, and the impact it has on brain power. Let's start with carbohydrates and sugar. Our bodies need sugar, but we should choose those with a low glycemic index (GI) because they enter our blood stream at a steady rate, as opposed to the spikes and drops of high GI foods. Fruits are better than fruit juices because their GI is lower and they provide necessary fiber. Complex carbohydrates found in legumes (beans), vegetables, and whole grains have the lowest GI of all foods. When the brain gets a steady supply of nutrients, it is performing at an optimal level. Give yourself and your kids a leg up by starting with a healthy diet!

Good Fat

In keeping with the theme of nutrition, let's talk about fats. Fats actually get a bad name, because, well fat sounds bad. But our brain needs healthy fats to function. Most important to brain function are essential fatty acids - omega 3 and omega 6. These make up our cell membranes and help nutrients to be transported through the membrane to our cells. So fat is good, as long as it is the right kind of fat. Omega 6 is found in vegetable oil and, traditionally, we already get enough of that in our diet. But omega 3s are lacking. Great sources of omega 3 fatty acids are cold water fish (salmon and tuna), walnuts, soybean, eggs, and pumpkin seeds. Some parents opt for fish oil supplements. These are great, but our bodies will respond better to the original source. Why not try adding lox to your bagel or replacing cereal with an egg for breakfast. Your brain will thank you!

Protein and Amino Acids

The brain sends messages from one brain cell to another using neurotransmitters. The better you feed these messengers, the more efficient they are. Neurotransmitters are made up of amino acids. Amino acids are found in protein! It's so important to incorporate lean protein into your diet, especially first thing in the morning. You want to wake your brain up with healthy sources of protein. It will help you be more productive and focused. Protein also helps keep blood sugar levels stable. Great sources of lean protein are chicken, beef, pork, eggs, beans, nuts, and low fat dairy.

Vitamins and Minerals

Studies show that grade school students that have supplements of vitamins and minerals perform better on intelligence tests than those students who did not take any supplements. The following vitamins are the most important for school achievement:

Vitamin C does more than just ward off illness. It also creates neurotransmitters. Did you know there is a special pump in your brain just to draw Vitamin C out of your blood into your cells?

Vitamin B6 deficiency leads to fatigue and irritability. Foods that are rich in Vitamin B6 are wild caught tuna and salmon, bananas, spinach, and chicken breast. Next time your child is tired or cranky, give her a banana!

Iron creates dopamine and Zinc helps regulate dopamine levels in the brain. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that helps with movement, memory, pleasurable reward, learning, and attention. Make sure to have adequate levels of both iron and zinc in your diet.

It can be hard to completely overhaul your diet. I hope you are able to offer one or two healthier options each week to your children.

Electronics Cleanse

Technology is the epitome of a double edged sword. There are some amazing, positive uses for technology, but it can also be damaging when not used appropriately. To illustrate this point, I wanted to share a story that a St. Francis mother sent me:

I deemed the month of January “electronic cleanse month” and our entire family has had no TV or iPad or Wii or ANYTHING unless it is for work, homework and, of course, the NFL playoff games. I have seen my kids change like crazy the last three weeks….so much so that I told them the only thing that is coming back after January is the TV - and that will be limited time on the weekends only. My son cried and my daughter was disappointed but they get it. Quite frankly they have been so busy playing and having fun that they haven’t really missed any of it. What is interesting is that they were already EXTREMELY limited on all electronics. In the past they were allowed to play Wii OR iPad (their choice) on the weekends only for one hour each day and they did watch tv quite a bit during free time on weekends. But it was like a drug…..once it was gone…..they WOKE UP and started blossoming!! My son’s hockey has progressed a ton in the last month and my daughter has blossomed at home and school with her maturity.

With the season of Lent approaching, you may want to consider your own "electronics cleanse". I'd love to hear your feedback on any changes you see in your children too!

Analog Clocks

I have a request. Can we bring back analog clocks? I am a firm believer that every home should have an analog clock in at least one room, preferably the hub of the house (kitchen or family room). In our digital age, it's easy to rely on our cell phones or Apple watches to check the time, but this does not serve our children well. Learning to tell time is a critical life skill. Not only that, but research has shown that some children cannot FEEL the passage of time, they must see it. This can only be done with analog technology. As adults, we have developed the skill to be able to sense time elapsing. We can feel if we've been working at something for 5 minutes or an hour. But children often do not. If you have an analog clock proudly displayed, you can easily show that 5 minutes is when the big hand moves to the next number. This teaches not only how to sense time, but self reliance. Now instead of "how much time is left" or "how long until...", you can redirect your child back to the clock and say, "you tell me!"

Skill Building vs Consequences

I had multiple opportunities this week to work with students that have made mistakes. Each time, I spoke with the student and tried to help them process where in their thinking or judgment did they err. Sometimes a consequence was applied, but more often the lesson was taught with grace and skill building. I believe in consequences, but only when we know that a skill is intact, and the child is making a willful choice to disobey. More times than not, the child needs to practice the skill in order to be able to be successful. When learning a new skill, we all fail. We all make mistakes. We cannot "punish" our way out of mistake if the underlying skill is still developing. My son is learning to drive right now (yes, I welcome all prayers!). He is making a lot of mistakes, but I try to tackle them with grace and patience as I grip the death bar. What if I were to say, "You won't get dessert tonight if you don't make that 3 point turn perfectly!" I cannot give him a consequence because he is still learning. Aren't we all?

Deescalating Emotions

It’s easy to say “be positive” with your children, but it’s not always easy to do in the heat of the moment. When your child is full of anxiety or anger, it is challenging to de-escalate their emotions, especially when it’s aimed at you. Let’s work on what exactly you can say when emotions get hot:

Your child is melting down. You are melting down. Instead of “Stop crying, it’s not the end of the world!” say, “I see you are upset, how can I help?” You are validating their emotion, while showing you are still loving and caring for them.

Your child is angry and starts throwing things. Instead of “Stop throwing things!” say, “When you throw your toys, I think it means you don’t like them. Is that what’s going on or is it something else?” This helps give your child a roadmap to communicate what is really frustrating them.

You are running late and the child is not helping get out the door. Instead of frantically saying, “Come on, let’s go, YOU ARE MAKING ME LATE!”, try “What do you need to do to be able to leave?” Allowing the child room to make decisions empowers them. And hopefully calms the chaos.

Organization

Thank you to all those that attended our Move up Week Parent Presentations this week. We hope you received valuable information for this summer into next school year. One item I'd like to revisit is organization. Organization starts with every item having a specific "home". This pertains to toys, books, clothes, keys, backpacks...you get the idea. For younger students, labeling locations is helpful (for a great model, check out a preschool classroom - each bin has a picture of what items go inside). When children can identify where everything goes, they are learning organizational skills. The hard part is then actually putting items in their "home". When we make the choice to put an item anywhere else but it's home, we are making a delayed decision. It's important that we encourage children to make these decisions now, rather than later. Because in reality, sometimes later never comes. Then things get lost or left behind. The result: disorganization. Help your child be better organized. Give everything a home, and put items in their home now, not later.

Down Syndrome Awareness

March 21 is World Down Syndrome Awareness Day. Down Syndrome occurs when a person is born with an extra chromosome. The 21st chromosome has 3 copies (that's why 3/21 is Down Syndrome Day). We are honoring Down Syndrome day at St. Francis Xavier by asking children to wear 3 socks on Tuesday. Socks should remain on their feet, but they can wear any combination of 3. I learned this week that our students do not know very much about Down Syndrome, and that lack of knowledge leads to judgement and fear. My hope is that together, we can raise awareness for all of our students and families. Many of the classes will be watching this 13 minute video: http://justlikeyoufilms.org/films/down-syndrome-awareness-video/. I invite you to watch it as well as you can have an open discussion with your children, and be prepared to answer any questions they may have. When we know better, we do better.

Neurodiversity

When I was talking to students about Down Syndrome this month, one conversation revolved around the language we use when we describe people that are different from us. Kids tend to categorize other people with struggles as "normal" or "not normal". It's important that we encourage children to not view differences as abnormalities. To help, let's talk about neurodiversity. This is a new term that psychologists have coined to explain that all of our brains are different. We think differently, act differently, and emote differently. There's no judgement, just variations in the way our brains were created or developed. While some children may struggle in certain areas because of these differences, that doesn't make them any more or less normal than anyone else. It's just different. Unique. Special. Aren't we all?

Fidget Spinners

Fidget spinners - love them or hate them, they are everywhere! Kids are fascinated by these little handheld spinning devices. I get it, they are fun. At St. Francis, we teach students to differentiate between a tool and a toy. If a child needs a fidget spinner because it helps them focus, then it is a tool. If a child plays with their spinner instead of doing their work, it just became a toy. Tools are acceptable, toys are not. This same principle applies at home. I think if the spinner helps your child focus while doing homework, it is a good thing. Once it becomes a distraction, it should be put to the side. The latest research is cautioning students, parents, and teachers to be more discerning as to whether these spinners have any positive affect on focus at all. One ADHD expert states, "Fidget spinners are giving fidgets a bad name." For more information: https://t.co/4uMAIci943

Label the Behavior, not the Child

Your children are good. God made them that way. But sometimes they make poor choices. It is important that when something goes wrong, we identify the behavior, and not the child. Children need to know that their identity is based solely in goodness. Let's say your child hits someone. He is not bad, the action of hitting is bad. If we label our children as "bad", they internalize that. Then all behaviors are justified because that's what bad kids do. Language has nuances, but this one is non-negotiable. Being precise in how we speak to our children, especially at a very young age, sets them up for success. Define the behavior, not the person.

Caffeine

Caffeine. Many adults are addicted, but is it safe for children? The American Academy of Pediatrics state that children should avoid caffeine drinks, including soda, as it has been linked to harmful health effects on their developing neurological and cardiovascular systems. The safe amount for teens age 13-18 is 100mg, which is the equivalent of one cup of coffee. As your child's brain is growing, it is so important that we fuel it with helpful, not harmful substances. Think about that next time you drive thru Dutch Bros or Starbucks...a smoothie is much better than a carmel macchiato!

Ask, Don't Tell

Homework. Love it or not, it is about to happen. I want to make things easier and smoother for you at home. If you have a young child, the idea of homework is to get the students into a routine while practicing basic skills. The is the precursor to time management skills which are so critical in Jr High and High School. Please help your child with a consistent time for homework. It gets more complicated the older the child becomes because they have more work, more commitments, and more ideas of how to juggle it all. The best thing you can do is "ask, don't tell". Gently guide your child by asking, "What is your plan for homework tonight?". Then ask them to stick to it. After all, it's their plan, not yours. It's easy to tune you out, but when children are accountable to themselves, they are more likely to follow through.

Bonding over Homework

Make homework time a bonding time. We encourage you to take the opportunity to do homework with your child and create a lasting ritual and bond together. You may be thinking, "But the school wants us to foster independence for our children, I don't do homework for them." True. I said "with" your child and not "for" them. If your child dreads homework, try to make it fun. See if you can turn their work into a game. Ask them to teach you what they learned. Your child becomes the teacher, you are the student. Research shows the best way to demonstrate understanding of a concept is when you can explain it in detail to another. Read together. Ask open ended questions, such as "I wonder what will happen next..." or make connecting comments such as "I remember when I felt that way..." All too soon your child will become independent because you have taught them so many skills to be able to complete their work without your help. This will be a sign of a job well done. Don't miss out on the precious moments now.

Technology Supervision

Supervision of children is very important. I think we can all agree on that. But one of the greatest threats to our children is the area where we supervise the least - technology. Kids are getting devices at younger and younger ages. The world is at their fingertips, but they don't have the knowledge or maturity to deal with all that information and access. If you heard your child say something rude to another, you would correct this. But what if they sent a mean text? How would you know? What if they stumbled on an inappropriate website? How do we shield our children from negative influences? It takes vigilance and skill building. As educators and parents, we must teach children how to use technology safely and kindly. Devices should have parental controls. Parents have the right to check their kids texts and messages. Before you put a device in your child's hand, please teach them rules and etiquette on its usage. We can't assume because they know how to click a bunch of icons that they know how to navigate the incredible world of cyberspace. Let's help our children be responsible digital citizens.

Neuroplasticity

Your brain can change. Years and years ago we thought the brain you were born with was yours forever, never to get any smarter. But advances in technology have proven that the brain is not a fixed organ. It is plastic (not like a bottle, but plastic in the sense that it can change). Much like you can strengthen your muscles, you can also change and strengthen your brain. There are neurotransmitters in the brain that send messages. The more we work at something, the stronger those pathways become. Think about when you learned to drive. You thought about every move (how hard to brake, how many seconds to look in the mirror), but now that is automatic to you because your brain has a solid pathway. We explain this concept to our students so they understand that with effort and work, they can overcome challenges. They may want to give up because "it's too hard." If they understand that every time something is hard, they are growing their brain, they will be more likely to face the challenge and persevere. The next time your child wants to give up because something is too difficult, remind them that when they keep working, their brain is changing!

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Delaying Gratification

Are we creating a culture of distractibility? Some experts believe that our current generation of children are more easily distracted in school than ever before. This is because of the phenomenon of instant gratification. Whereas when we were children (I'm dating myself), we had to wait for our favorite TV show to come on or go to the library to check out a book or play a board game to learn how to take turns, today's children can go onto Netflix or Amazon Prime or play games online instantly. Video games are addicting because they send immediate feedback and we are always wanting to get to the next level. So how are we supposed to expect children to sit at a desk and raise their hand and wait to be called on when that expectation doesn't exist anywhere else? It's hard, but as adults, we have to "delay gratification", in other words, teach them to wait. Model patience. Have them earn something that they have to wait for. By doing so, we are setting them up for success at school.

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Test Preparation

This week all students in grades 2-8 will be taking the IOWA tests of achievement. It is so important that students are present at school each day. Please do not pull them out or bring them late. This will result in missing class time next week for make up testing. We know that the best way for students to maintain focus for these tests is with a healthy breakfast full of protein. Try to avoid sugary breakfasts, as the child may "crash" in a few hours. Protein is linked to the neurotransmitters in the brainresponsible for focus! They also need a good night's sleep and hydration. There will be limited homework, so getting to bed on time should be easy. We want your children to be at their best, as we use this assessment data to drive instructional practices, as well as measure growth. Thank you for partnering with us for a successful week!

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Whining

Last week a parent asked me for a tip on whining. I jokingly said "earplugs??". But in all seriousness, there are actual strategies to help with whining children. First, think of yourself. When are you most prone to whine? Usually when your basic needs are not being met: sleep, hunger, and health. So check in with your child. Do they need a nap or a break? When was the last time they had a healthy snack (there's a reason Snickers has a marketing campaign about "not being yourself" when hungry!) Are they not feeling well? Once you check in with basic needs and recognize those are met, check stress and attention levels. Are they overwhelmed? Feeling neglected? See if you can provide some relief or affection. Finally, we all know they could be reacting to not getting what they want. Then it's time for a reality check. Try distraction or reminders of the positive (No, you can't have ice cream for dinner, but you can have some when you finish your vegetables.) Lastly, set a parameter on voice control. Make sure your child knows that you will only listen and react when they are using their "big kid voice". Model speaking calmly and clearly and NEVER mock their whining voice (unless you want it to continue). Enjoy your holiday weekend!

The Reality of ADHD

October is ADHD Awareness month. Lots and lots of research has been done to help us learn more about what ADHD is and isn't. Some people still believe ADHD is not real, but it is. It is caused by an imbalance of chemical messengers called neurotransmitters in the brain. ADHD looks different in almost everyone. Some people with ADHD are hyper, others are withdrawn. Some can be motivated, but lose focus. I have seen children hyperfocus, but be really disorganized. The reality is, since it's different for everyone, we cannot judge whether someone else's struggle is real or not. Until you have walked in the shoes of that child or their parent, we don't know what they are dealing with. The diagnosis and struggle is real.

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Self Talk

Let's talk to ourselves. Really. We should. As bizarre as it sounds, we all participate in "self talk". It's when we rehearse things in our head, like "I need to go to the dry cleaner, pick up from soccer, and grab dinner on the way home". Or it's the little voice that says, "Take a deep breath, she didn't mean to hurt your feelings." The interesting thing about self talk is that we all do it, but nobody taught it to us. I think it's important that we teach our children to self talk and normalize the experience. You can do this by saying,"Let's make a list in your head: make your bed, brush your teeth, eat breakfast." Now say it back to me. Then, "What does that look like?" They can picture those 3 tasks getting completed or see the words in their mind. It helps with being able to hold tasks in short term memory, regulating our emotions and impulses (thinking before we act), and following directions. The best part is when you talk to yourself, there's no one to argue back!

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Owning Mistakes

I made a mistake. If you follow this newsletter blog, you will see that last week's entry was repetitive, which means I didn't get my submission in on time. I think it is human nature to want to excuse that error or find someone to blame, but, in reality, it was my mistake so I need to own that. I share this with you to illustrate that we are all fallible. We make mistakes. We yell at our kids. We are late for appointments. How do we react when this happens? Do we make excuses or place blame? Every time we do, we model this behavior for our children. What happens when your child makes a mistake? Do you find blame? Do you fault another child, the teacher, or perhaps yourself? We need to break this cycle of blame and excuse creating. If you yell at your child, admit you weren't your best self. Explain that we all make mistakes. By doing so, you are teaching your child to take responsibility and ownership for their own behavior. Then ask for forgiveness. I'm sorry that I didn't have a new blog for you to read last week. Please forgive me. Thank you!

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Backward Design

I announced this week that I will be offering an Executive Functioning Skills class to Jr High students. This was met with overwhelming response, so the logical conclusion is that we, as adults, need more strategies to help our children with these skills. What are Executive Functioning skills? They are the underlying skills that help us execute a task, specifically: focus, motivation, self control, time management, planning, prioritizing, and organization. Today let's focus on long term projects. The best tip I have is to work BACKWARDS. Mark when the project is due on a calendar. Count backward the number of days you have to complete the task. Then break the task into reasonable chunks and assign them a day to complete. For instance, for a book report, you would count the # of days you have to complete it (let's say 30). How many days do you need to actually write the report? Let's say 5. That leaves 25 days to complete the reading. If there are 100 pages, you know to keep on track, you have to read at least 4 pages a night. Make sure you write this on the agenda or calendar every day. This will avoid the "Oh, by the way, mom and day, I have a project due TOMORROW!

Sequencing

Sequencing is the secret. I had the pleasure of listening to a guest speaker on Monday, and she led with this statement. She further explained to the class of students that if you know the order in which things need to get completed, you can accomplish anything. Understanding order and sequence is not always intuitive to children. It is a skill that needs to be taught. As young as preschool, you can introduce the concept of First, Second, Next, Last. Students are often asked to sequence a story by telling it back in order. Why is this so important? We understand events in our lives by the order in which they occur. If you want your child to make a sandwich, they have to follow steps in sequence. Jr High students need to be able to think sequentially when they attack homework assignments in multiple classes (What should I do first? What do I need to complete this? What next? How will I know when I'm finished?) There are many opportunities throughout the day to practice sequencing: on the way to school ask "What class will you have first?" or making dinner, "What step comes next?". Tells stories, sing songs, play games. Each of these activities involves a sequence. Have fun with it!

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Exercise as ADHD Treatment

A survey was just completed asking 4,000 families to rate treatment options for children with ADHD. Prescription medicine usually tops the list, but not this time. The number one rated treatment for ADHD conditions was EXERCISE! Understand, this isn't research based, it's anecdotal responses from parents, but it bears paying attention to something that can be easily overlooked. Exercise is so incredibly good for our brains. It helps us focus better and be able to regulate our emotions and mood. It's not hard to do, and it's free! Now that the weather is gorgeous, think about taking a walk or bike ride before school. Not enough time? How about 5 minutes of yoga poses. You can easily do a game of Simon Says or try Go Noodle activities. Dance. Run. Walk. Ride. Jump. Play. It's good for you!

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Model for your Children

Actions speak louder than words. We have heard this adage many times, but it comes very much into play with our children. It is so important that they see us model what we want for them. It's not ok to "do as I say, not as I do." I had a conversation with a friend where I had to uncomfortably tell her that she is asking her child to do things that she doesn't do herself. It was an a-ha moment because sometimes we don't even realize it. One example I see daily at Pledge and Prayer is the model of reverence. We are teaching the children to take a moment and reverently open themselves up to God and pray for those suffering in our community. This becomes more challenging when they are waving to their parents or see adults in conversation with each other, instead of with God. It's these small things that kids are watching and learning. Children learn more by what they see than by what they hear. They imitate your actions. How can we expect our future drivers to put down their phone and not text and drive when they see us do it too? Are we asking for rules to only apply to them and not to us? This is all easier said than done, so let's work together to be the best role models we can be for our children.

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Rude vs Mean vs Bullying

This week, Sister Christa and I had the opportunity to present to 3rd grade students about the differences between rude, mean, and bullying behavior, with the focus on how to let their light shine. Rude behavior is really a lack of manners (rushing to the front of the line, bumping into someone, making annoying noises). Mean behaviors have the intention of hurting someone's feelings (calling names, pushing, teasing). Bullying is repeated meanness from an imbalance of power (strength, money, popularity). Bullying can be overt or exclusionary. The students understood these concepts and learned how all of these behaviors are contrary to how we should behave. Instead, we want them to let their light shine by being polite, kind, and showing leadership. We showed many examples of politeness (saying please, thank you, I'm sorry, taking turns, sharing); kindness (being generous, helping others, putting another's interests before your own), and leadership (standing up for what is right, advocating, including everyone). We ended with strategies on how to respond rather than react when someone is demonstrating rude, mean, or bullying behavior. Let's work together to make sure all of our children's light shine everyday.

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Distinguishing Fact vs Feeling

One of the skills we teach students at St. Francis is distinguishing between fact and feelings. This is important at home too, as children need to be able to identify their feelings and be able to separate them from the situation that is occurring. A friend just told me that she was explaining to her children that they needed to walk the dog or there would be a consequence. The kids responded, "You're so mean!" Let's break that down. Fact: the dog needs to be walked. Fact: there will be a consequence if it is not done. Feeling: you are mean. How you feel about the situation will not change the fact that there is a chore that needs to be completed. Sometimes not being able to separate the two leads to emotional breakdowns or tantrums. Other times people use feelings to emotionally manipulate (which is what these kids were doing). If I make you feel bad about the fact, then maybe you'll change your mind. In order to avoid being manipulated, try helping your child identify the feeling and separate it from the fact. There is much emotional freedom to be gained for all when we can separate fact from feeling.

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Active vs Passive

Active vs Passive. This is something we all need to be familiar with. Whether we are talking about active listening, studying, or reading, there is a big difference and it is important that we are teaching these differences to our children. When you are active listening, you are making eye contact, engaging with what is being said, asking relevant questions, and seeking understanding. Passive listening is when you are watching TV/texting/playing games while involved in a conversation (teenagers are great at this!) and we wonder why they don't know what we said. Students think they have "studied" if they look over their notes. While this is better than nothing, it is passive. To make studying active, involve more senses or movement. Quiz yourself, have a study buddy, create a rhyme, song or rap, draw a picture or mind map, or teach the concept to someone else. The more pathways you use to activate your brain (sight, sound, rhythm, movement), the deeper the information goes into your memory. Reading becomes active when you are with your child asking questions or they are drawing pictures, taking notes, and making connections. Let's help our children be actively engaged with their learning.

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Schedules provide structure

Sometimes holiday weekends can be peaceful, but also challenging because of the lack of structure. It is best if the usual routine is not completely abandoned. Try to keep parts of your family routine: bedtimes and meals. You can also create a "holiday" schedule so children can anticipate the changes that are coming. Using a calendar, mark days off from school, travel plans, and other changes to the norm. Explain to kids what to expect. This will help keep the peace and structure children crave and rely on.

Understood.org

My gift to you this Christmas is a new gem of a website I just learned about. Please check out Understood.org. This is a website devoted to helping parents of students with learning or attention issues. One thing I've learned over the years is that a lot of times the strategies used for students with challenges are actually best practices for most kids. So even if your child does not struggle in the traditional sense, you may find this resource useful to you. For instance, I just received an email titled "help you kids cope with holiday frustrations".

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The Gift of Failure

People have been talking about the gift of failure for some time. We embrace this principle at St. Francis Xavier, but I am afraid sometimes the intention isn't clear. When we suggest the parents allow their students to fail, it is so they learn to problem solve and develop grit to persevere with a difficult task. It is not meant for the child to suffer unnecessarily. Let's look at teaching your child to ride a bike. They fall down. We want the child to learn to pick themselves up and get back on the bike. That's grit. But if they fall too many times, something is wrong, so we analyze what skills are missing. We need to reteach or go about the task in a different way. If they fall and injure themselves, they need help. That's when failure becomes detrimental. This is what we mean at SFX. Allow your child to feel a little discomfort, but not pain. If they forget their lunch, we won't let them starve, but they might not like the cheese sandwich. Trust me, they will remember their lunch next time. But not if you bring it to school. Then they only learn that if they forget something, someone will save them. They lose the natural consequence. This is why failure can be a gift - an opportunity to learn. Let's embrace this gift together!

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Inclusion

What is inclusion? The dictionary definition is "the act or state of being included". But inclusion is also regularly used in education to mean when students with disabilities are included in the regular classroom. The Pope has called for inclusion in all Catholic Schools. "We are a single flock under the care of a single shepherd. There can be no separate Church for persons with disabilities." (US Catholic Bishops) At St Francis Xavier, we recognize that by including students with disabilities in our classrooms, we not only share our gifts with them, but WE become better. Better teachers, better students, better people. If you have any questions about inclusion or what to know how to get more involved with inclusion at SFX, please let me know (sue.milano@sfxphx.org).

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Tips for Lying

Kids lie. This is a natural part of their development. There are a lot of reasons kids lie - embarrassment, imagination, fear. It's important that as parents we recognize that children are prone to lie to us. This does not make you a bad parent; there is no judgment. So what do you do about it? How do you extract the truth? First, if you know what actually happened, don't set your child up to lie. If you saw your child hit his sister, don't ask "Did you hit your sister?" If you do, you are inviting a tall tale. Simply say, "I saw you hit your sister. How can you make this better?" Next, don't tell them they will not get in trouble for telling the truth, than freak out when they tell the truth. Accept that they made a mistake, but praise the truth telling. "I am proud of you for telling the truth, now we need to talk about different ways to treat your sister when you're angry." If you don't honor your word, you are sending the message that truth telling isn't worth it, and your child will lie again and again. Look for patterns and verify information. If your Jr High child has a missing assignment for 5 weeks, and they continually tell them it was turned in, does that seem right to you? Check with the teacher to verify. They may THINK they turned it in or may just be covering up the fact that it wasn't done, and they are hoping you'll forget about it. Teach natural consequences. If your child lies frequently, you are less prone to believe them when they speak the truth. Lastly, model honesty. If your child hears you lying, they think it's ok. They learn by what you do.

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Fair is Not Equal

Last week I had the wonderful opportunity to speak to the PA board about our inclusion efforts at St Francis Xavier. I was asked, "How do we help our students understand that some students may receive different supports in school?" The answer is: Help them understand that FAIR IS NOT EQUAL. This is true at home and at school. Everyone gets what their need, but it's not the same for all. One child might need glasses, while another only eats certain foods. There is no promise in life that says we have to treat our children exactly the same way. We give them what they truly need and love them with all our heart. It's the same at school. Some students get movement breaks or stand up desks or different spelling lists or more time with the classroom aide. Your child may think this is not "fair", but it is your job to help them understand that everyone gets what they need, just like at home.

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Proper Apologies

Do your children know how to give a proper apology? I'm learning that many children say "I'm sorry" but is that enough? Do they even mean it? There are 5 parts to an apology: showing remorse, taking ownership, making amends, correcting behavior and asking for forgiveness. Here's what an apology should sound like: "I'm sorry I called you a jerk. I want to give you a hug to make up for it, and I will not do it again. Forgive me?" That may be a lot for a 3 year old, but certainly appropriate for the 8 and up crowd. For the little ones, you are teaching this skill, so add one component at a time. If the preschooler says "I'm sorry", guide them to tell "for what?" As kids age, keep adding more parts of the apology so they can be pros at it. One tip I learned from my Kindergarten teacher friends: children should not say "it's ok" when receiving an apology. Think about it. It's not ok that you called me a jerk. Instead, help them learn to say "I forgive you." We can model this. And most importantly, teach sincerity. Kids will apologize because you told them to so they can get "off the hook." This doesn't teach them anything, doesn't help the person that was wronged, and does not stop the behavior. Have your child look you in the eye and with a genuine voice give an apology. They will grow to be more sincere with practice and guidance.

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Apologize without Blame

Last week I spoke about what an appropriate apology should include. Now let's visit what it should NOT include: the words "but", "that" and "if". Children sometimes say, "I'm sorry but you hit me first" or "I'm sorry that you are mad" or "I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt, but I was just joking". None of these are real apologies. They are shifting the blame from the one who wronged to the one who was wronged. It goes back to taking ownership and accountability for the action that "I" did, not the other person. In other words, "sorry, not sorry." It's important that we stop children when we hear these empty apologies and help them formulate a correct one.

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Sick Children

One concern parents have when their child is sick is whether to send them to school or not. It's important that parents realize the nurse's office is not a clinic or Urgent Care. If you have concerns, please seek medical attention on your own. Many parents tell their child, "If you don't feel well, go to the nurse and I'll pick you up." Unfortunately, this gives the child an "out" which we see very often. Children use the nurse's office as an avoidance area. They are nervous about a test or want to get out of a certain class or subject, so they make a visit. Or there is something mild going on (a headache) but mom or dad said they would get picked up, so they go to the nurse rather than stick it out. I think the rule of thumb is: when in doubt, sick children should stay home.

Pills Don't Teach Skills

Pills do not teach skills. There are different neurochemical conditions that require students to take medication: ADHD, anxiety, depression, to name a few. It is important that as adults, we realize that these pharmaceutical interventions do not teach the child the coping skills they need in order to be successful. Medication is incredibly effective at allowing the mind to absorb the appropriate neurotransmitters so that the child can be more attentive or calm or content. But it is not magic. The real work comes after the medication produces the desired effect. Then parents and teachers can start teaching strategies for organization, social skills, and coping.

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Mutual Benefits of Inclusion

This week I was meeting with a group of parents, teachers, and students about the inclusion model that SFX will implement. The question was "What does your child have to gain by having a child with disabilities in his/her class?" I was moved by the responses: humility, compassion, unconditional love, friendship, helpfulness, empathy, acceptance, perspective, tolerance, superpowers, playfulness, patience, understanding, gratitude, joy. selflessness, unity, diversity, community. Next week I invite you to attend the Parent Association meeting (Thursday after Pledge and Prayer) where I will speak about our inclusion efforts and answer questions you may have. If you would like to get involved, please contact me at sue.milano@sfxphx.org.

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Respecting Teacher Time

Cura Personalis means "care for the person". It is part of our Ignatian philosophy and is lived out in a lot of different ways at St Francis Xavier. One of those ways is believing "the person in front of me is the most important person in the world." Our teachers care for students throughout the day, our staff supports programs, parents, and teachers. For this reason, it is so important that everyone honors each other's time. Please remember to request an appointment to meet with staff or teachers. This serves a dual purpose. The teacher can focus on the students they are teaching and caring for as the most important in the world, but also so that YOU are treated as the most important person in the world when your time comes.

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Emotions affect Cognition

Emotions affect cognition. Have you ever tried to help your child with homework when they are upset? Have you attempted to rationalize when they are having a meltdown? My gut says that the child isn't able to listen or perform when "in crisis". Crisis doesn't mean the world is crashing down, but it might feel that way in the moment to the child. So in these terms, crisis is relative. The emotion, meltdown, or tantrum is overriding the brain's ability to think and problem solve. One technique to help move your child from his/her "emotional brain" to the "thinking brain" is to mirror their feelings. If they are frustrated, acknowledge that. "I see this homework is frustrating." Then STOP TALKING. As adults, we want to take the frustration away, but that is not our job. Sometimes all the child needs is to feel acknowledged, understood, and validated. If they are upset because they didn't get invited to a friend's house, say, "that feels terrible". Once the child's emotions are mirrored, they are on their way to feeling better. When their emotions begin to calm, then you can step in with "What do you want to do about this?" The "thinking brain" will start to react and you will see results.

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Giving Precise Directions

Have you ever asked your child to do something and they get it half right? For instance, let's say you want the floor mopped. "Child, please mop the floor." Child then pushes a mop across the floor for a few minutes. Did they do what you asked? At least in my house, part of my floor is now wet and not very clean, but my child thinks "I did what you asked." There is a fine line between compliance and successful task completion. I asked for the floor to be mopped and it was. What I should have asked was for the child to CLEAN the floor with the mop. Then task completion is based on cleanliness and not mopping. This happens with children and homework a lot! "Did you do your homework?" might suggest to the child that doing part of the homework elicits a YES response. The better question is "Is all of your homework complete?" It is our job as parents to ask questions and give directions with the end goal in mind. Then homework might get finished, and you may have a very clean floor.

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Children Deflect

Have you ever heard your child say that their teacher didn't like them? Is this used as an excuse to not getting work completed? It's important that parents realize the difference between fact vs feeling. If a student is making a poor choice, it is the teacher's job to redirect them and help them make a better decision. It's not personal. In the same way that when parents enforce a rule at home and the child responds with "you're so mean!", it's just their way of trying to garner your sympathy so you relent on the rule. At school, we have to keep students safe and engaged. This might look like a teacher redirecting, reminding, or applying a consequence. When your child comes home and says the teacher is so mean or doesn't like them, it's another excuse for their behavior. Don't fall for this. Children are masterful deflectors of their own shortcomings. They don't want to admit their mistake, so they blame someone else. The teacher is an easy target. I ask that you help your child reflect on their own behavior and not allow them to deflect. The consequences as they age are huge. Don't we all know teenagers who say they aren't responsible for getting caught up with drugs or alcohol because someone else "made them do it?" Lay the groundwork now for teaching ownership and responsibility. Allow children to safely make mistakes so they don't feel it necessary to blame. And have a very happy Easter!!

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Control

What is in our control and what is not? The earlier we teach children what we can and cannot control, the better adjusted they will be. Some of us (present company included) want to think we can control everything, but reality check: we cannot. I tell my children you can only control yourself: your emotions, your thoughts, your reactions, and your responses. They worry and worry about what someone else is going to think. But what if...(insert any number of scenarios - she gets mad at me, he doesn't invite me, her feelings get hurt, they laugh at me). Out of your control. As parents, our job is to help children understand that they need to do the best they can in situations and leave other people's responses up to the other person. It causes a lot of anxiety when we try to control that which is not up to us. It's important to start having conversations now about what can and cannot be controlled to alleviate future stress and anxiety.

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Labels

Are labels good or bad? This is a question that was debated in a meeting I attended this week. The consensus was if the label was used for good, then it gave the professional knowledge in order to best help the child, and was therefore necessary and good. For instance, we need to label medical and educational conditions in order to provide the best treatment. Otherwise we would be guessing and potentially doing more harm than good. Could you imagine a doctor saying, "I think it might be diabetes, but we don't label conditions, so let's just try insulin and see what happens." I come across many parents worried about having their child evaluated because they are afraid he or she would be "labelled". I believe that is because sometimes labels are not used for good. People use derogatory terms to label children, such as "troublemaker", "lazy", or "behavior problem." Those are not educational labels, they are just stereotypes based on misperceptions and lack of information. We need to educate ourselves better on why labels are beneficial, while we stop using labels to generalize and stereotype. For more, read this mom's story:

Label My Child, Yes Please!

Coping Skills

We all need coping skills. This is how we get through life when we are stressed, upset, angry, or frustrated. Multiple times this week, I have tried to help students cope with one or all of the above. Parents, you can help! First, model that you use coping skills when you need to. Call it what it is. "I'm upset right now so I need a few minutes to myself, that is how I cope." Second, help your child identify their emotion at that moment. "You seem stressed." Then come up with a list of strategies that help them cope with that feeling. Feel like you want to hit someone? Here's some bubble wrap - stomp on it or rip a piece of paper to shreds. Upset? Turn to prayer or yoga or meditation. Stressed? Maybe take a break. Finally, look for triggers that cause that emotion. "You tend to get hangry right after school. Let's have a snack!"

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Discipline with Purpose

Do parents know about DWP skills? DWP stands for Discipline with Purpose and these are the self-discipline skills we teach students at school at their developmental level. There are 15 skills overall and they build on each other. While we are teaching the basic skills of listening and following instructions in the primary grades, these are still expected in the Jr High when they are learning how to organize, sacrifice, and take initiative. I came across this article that is very helpful for parents to model the skills we are teaching. We know consistency is key, and using the same language and practicing the same skills across settings will make it easier for students to acquire them.

How Parents can Model DWP skills

Technology Holiday

This weekend I am taking a technology holiday. Three days without cell phone, email, iPad, laptop, and screen-time. Our brains just need a break. I know the power of greenspace so I am hopeful that the being outside, convening with nature, reading, spending time with friends, will restore my brain and energy levels. In preparing for the Screenagers movie, I was talking to some 5th grade boys who were curious why they had to see it. I asked how much time they spend on video games. The response was about 3-4 hours on weekends, but that's only because there is "nothing else to do". When did that happen? When did kids stop playing outside? Play board games? Build forts? Take a hike? Ride bikes? Go for a swim? Kick the can? Watch a ball game? I'm sure they must do this, but I think screens have become our "go to" rather than our "fall back." This is part of the reason why I think we all need a technology holiday. Care to join me?

Sensitivity and Inclusion

As many of you know, St Francis Xavier is a school that believes in inclusion, which is educating students with disabilities in the regular classroom alongside peers without disabilities. Having a child with a disability in your child's class allows you as the parent an opportunity to teach your child love and acceptance, but many of us don't even know how to start that conversation. It's important that we do not use terms like "normal", which gives the connotation that the child with a disability is somehow "abnormal". The most loving and sensitive way to speak about children with disabilities is to explain that we are all special and some children have challenges or learn and behave differently. We are all on a path and journey and everyone's story is unique and deserves to be dignified. A loving parent of a child with a disability sent this guide to the parents in her child's class, but I think it's worth a read from everyone:

The Six Bs

God's View on Disabilities

This week's Brain Boosts will be brought to you by some students in the Peer Coaching Elective. Here are their responses to the question:

"How do you think God views people with disabilities or challenges?"

"I believe that God loves everyone and that we are all his children. He sees everyone as equal and has a plan for everyone. Maybe his plan for people with disabilities is to soften the people that know and love them, or they could do something great like Stephen Hawkings."

"I think God picked those people because they are strong enough to handle the disabilities and he believes in all of us. We are a perfect the way we are and no one needs to change. God has a plan for all of us and He loves all of us equally."

"I think God's view of people with disabilities or challenges are the same as they are for the rest of us. It is just another trait of the person and we all have our difficulties and God sees the disability as one of their difficulties but it does not make him think that they are anything less than perfect."

Process vs Outcome Goals

Students in the Executive Functioning class are learning the difference between process and outcome goals. An outcome goal is based purely on the outcome, such as "I want to get an A on my Math test." A process goal focuses on what the child will do in order to be successful at something. For example, "I will study my Math facts 20 minutes every day." It is helpful for students to build up more process goals, since this is well within their control and it specifies their exact action in order to achieve that goal. This is true for all age levels. I sometimes hear preschool or Kindergarten students say they want to have a Green day - that is an outcome goal. Instead, we should ask "What does a green day look like?" Keeping my hands to myself, following directions, listening, etc. Let's help our children focus on the process, not the outcome.

Everyone Gets What They Need

Thank you for all those that attended the Inclusion meeting this week. Please reach out to me if you want to learn more. One valuable tip that came out of the meeting is what to say to your child when they ask questions about services other students receive. For instance, one child might work with Mrs. Avery or have extra support from a peer coach or adult or take a test in a different room. The simplest response when your child asks "Why?" or "Why can't I do that?" is to say "Everyone gets what they need." The easiest examples are that some kids need glasses and others do not. You wouldn't give your child glasses if they don't need them. Actually, you could take it a step further and explain that if they were given glasses and didn't need them, you would be doing more harm than good. Children understand that because they can easily visualize glasses. Other needs are not "visible" to them so it's harder to understand.