Internal Family Systems (IFS)

One part of you tells you to eat salad, while another craves cookies

Have you ever paused to listen to the debates inside your head? One part shouting “eat healthy” while another whispers, “but you deserve some cookies”? This isn’t weakness or self-sabotage—it’s a sign that your inner system is trying to keep you safe.

IFS recognises that we’re made up of parts, each with their own voice, story, and way of helping you. They’re not bad. In fact, they’re trying to help… just in extreme ways.

Let's flesh out the sides of a common internal battle: salad or cookies?

The Manager: The Proactive Protector

Manager parts proactively help you to avoid pain by helping you to look and be good. They are often critical, controlling, and good at planning in advance.

For example, the Healthy Eating manager is organized, disciplined, and always five steps ahead. It makes grocery lists, counts macros, plans workouts, and has strong opinions about what you should and should not eat. To this part, looking good means being accepted, loved, and never criticised again.

It often uses shame as motivation:

“You know better.”
“You’re going to regret that piece of cake.”
“Do you really want to look like that again?”

Believe it or not, this part is not trying to hurt you. In fact, it’s working hard to protect you from ever feeling the pain of rejection or ridicule again. It believes that self-criticism will motivate you to stick to your body goals, so that deep down you don't feel more shame.

The Firefighter: The Reactive Protectors

Real-life firefighters don’t pause to admire your home before putting out a fire—they’re focused on stopping the flames, no matter the cost.

Similarly, internal firefighter parts rush in to put out the emotional fire of a triggered wound. They act fast and instinctively, often with urgency and force. These parts don’t worry about the mess they leave behind—they just want the pain to stop. They are often behind addictive patterns—like over-eating, alcohol, drugs, or compulsive shopping, scrolling or sex—because they are desperate to numb out unbearable pain.

In this internal battle, the Cookie Monster Firefighter takes pain away—from a cruel comment or the jeans not zipping up—by mindlessly eating the cookies... and the cake... and chips... and donuts, with no concern for the consequences. This part helps by numbing, soothing, and distracting.

The Exile

An exile is a vulnerable, wounded 'inner child': a younger part, pushed out of memory, that still holds the original wound.

Underneath this Healthy Eating Manager and Cookie Monster Firefighter tug-of-war, there's an Exile: a young child that felt ashamed for having a certain body type, being teased for how they looked, or made to feel 'too much' or 'not enough'. This part carries the raw emotion of shame, grief, loneliness, and often, a believe that he or she caused the bad thing to happen.

And these two protectors work tirelessly to keep this young Exile from being felt in the present day. They just use opposite strategies.

The Internal Battle

This is where it gets loud inside.

The Healthy Eating Manager shames you for eating. The Cookie Monster Firefighter rebels and eats more. The Exile gets re-wounded. And around and around it goes.

You might hear something like this...

Healthy Eating Manager: You really shouldn’t eat that. You’ve been doing so well. If you keep this up, you’ll look better, which will make people like you more.

Cookie Monster Firefighter: You're so stressed from diligently counting macros all day, and cookies will take the stress away.

Healthy Eating Manager: But you’ll regret it! Remember how out of control and guilty you felt last time after eating all the cookies?

Cookie Monster Firefighter: It was worth it to get a break. Eat the cookies and you'll get a break from the shaming voice, even if it doesn't last very long.

Exile: I just feel so bad inside. Like I’m not good enough, no matter what I eat or don’t eat. I feel ugly… and alone.

None of these parts are bad; they’re just in pain and trying to keep you from feeling it again. And believe it or not, they each have gifts and wisdom—once they’re freed from the extreme roles they’ve been stuck in.

What Heals It All? You and Your Self-Wise

Calm

Clear

Compassionate

Confident

Connected

Courageous

Creative

Curious

Just like the sun is always there even when clouds hide it, at the core of every person is a wise, calm, curious, and compassionate presence—your true Self. This inner Self emerges when different parts of you quiet down. It's the same fundamental Self-wise essence that various spiritual traditions refer to as Atman, Buddha nature, Soul, or the Image of God.

Self doesn’t yell, panic, or shame. It listens and holds space. It understands why the Healthy Eating Manager, the Cookie Monster Manager, and the Shamed Exile have these behaviours and feelings. When Self is in the lead, these protectors can soften and don’t have to work so hard. They can all let go of their burdens—like shame, fear, and false beliefs—and step into new roles:

The Healthy Eating Manager becomes a wise planner, not a perfectionist
The Cookie Monster Firefighter becomes playful, creative, and spontaneous
The Shamed Exile becomes connected, cared for, and free

As you become more Self-wise, you feel more peace. Less chaos. More ease. The war inside quiets down.

IFS isn’t about ignoring your cravings or fixing your 'bad' habits. It’s about getting to know the parts of you that are trying to protect your most tender wounds—and helping them find a new way to be.

When your inner world feels safe, supported, and seen, you can feel at peace.

Learn more about IFS

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