Extra Words and Weak Modifiers
Extra Words and Weak Modifiers
Style is the meeting point of tone, syntax, and word choice, where the various aspects of writing come together to form the particular way in which a piece of writing is presented. The language will have its own rhythm and flow, its own cadence and mood, and its own method of expression.
The editor's job is to support and enhance this style. Where does the style suit the piece? Where does it interfere? It is not about the editor's style, but about the writer's style and the style of the writing itself. Is the writing clear, concise, and convincing, or is it convoluted?
This type of editing is often subjective, and there are rarely definitive answers. Experience and instinct, however, can help an editor find the right path to follow, and there are many specific approaches that can help light the way. There are a number of editing techniques that promote clarity and flow, such as editing for conciseness, correct word choice, logical word order, proper constructions, and the active voice. Sometimes, however, it will simply come down to an editor making a judgment call. What works best? The editor will have to choose.
Writing often fails to properly convey its meaning because it is not concise. If clarity of expression is to be attained, the writing needs to be sharp; it needs to get to the point. A lot of writing, however, is bloated and cluttered, and the meaning is lost in the muddle.
Think of it like a photographer would. An interesting person is walking down a busy street, and the photographer wants to capture this person. A wide shot will pick up the other pedestrians, shop windows, the cars on the street, a barking dog, an idling bus. The interesting person walking down the street, who the photographer wants to capture on film, will be lost in the busy scene.
It's the same with writing. The important elements and key meanings can be lost in the clutter of extraneous words. Instead of pedestrians, there are unnecessary nouns. Instead of cluttered shop windows, superfluous verbs. The crowded street is just an endless, bloated sentence.
Concision is the key. Focus your camera, zoom in on your target, and cut the clutter right out of the picture.
One of the greatest causes of turgid prose is unnecessary wording. Writers genuinely want to provide their readers with as complete a picture of their subject as possible, but they often "pile on" text without considering that it might be doing more harm than good. We're going to spend a little time examining exactly how to reduce unnecessary wording so that the ideas in the text lend themselves to the reader unencumbered.
Sentences often use too many articles and prepositions, and these can add to the clutter, particularly if this sort of sentence construction is endlessly repeated. You can get away with it on occasion, but time after time? The writing begins to feel padded and heavy. Here are some examples.
Wordy: Many of the cowboys
Concise: Many cowboys
Wordy: Some of the outlaws
Concise: Some outlaws
Wordy: Pour out the water
Concise: Pour the water
Wordy: Step up to the plate
Concise: Step to the plate
Wordy: The building of the bridge
Concise: Building the bridge
Always be careful, however, as such revisions can sometimes change the intended meaning. If so, it might be better to retain the original form and suggest that the author consider rephrasing the sentence.
Extra noun phrases often make a sentence ponderous. Trim these and you'll have quicker, sharper writing.
Original: The level of the water rose.
Revised: The water rose.
Original: The area of Zimbabwe was huge.
Revised: Zimbabwe was huge.
Original: The magnitude of the shock was terrible.
Revised: The shock was terrible.
Many of these terms can and should be cut. Here are some examples of noun phrases that can be cut from a sentence in order to create clearer, more concise writing.
the amount of
the case of
the concept of
the degree of
the extent of
the field of
the idea of
the nature of
the number of
the process of
the purpose of
the way of
Extra verbs can bog down your writing, particularly if a weak verb is weighing down a working verb and taking its place. Such intrusive verbs often include do, have, is, make, provide, and serve.
Original: He did an experiment on the population.
Revised: He experimented on the population.
Original: I have a tendency to drink too much.
Revised: I tend to drink too much.
Original: This is indicative of brain damage.
Revised: This indicates brain damage.
Original: I provided a summary of the facts for the court.
Revised: I summarized the facts for the court.
Original: His job served to make him rich.
Revised: His job made him rich.
Unnecessary verbs can also be found in clauses that modify nouns. Such verbs can often be deleted.
Original: The evidence presented in the blackmail file
Revised: The evidence in the blackmail file
Original: The rabid dog that was contained in the car
Revised: The rabid dog in the car
Original: The briefing that was provided at the meeting
Revised: The briefing at the meeting
Original: The people who were located in the mass grave
Revised: The people in the mass grave
Most people are mindful enough not to intentionally say the same thing twice in their writing, but there are many colloquial expressions in English that are redundant.
INSTEAD OF: added bonus → SAY: bonus
arrived at the conclusion → concluded
surrounded on all sides → surrounded
costs a total of → costs
honest truth → truth
large in size → large
personally responsible → responsible
postpone until later → postpone
separate apart → separate
temporary loan → loan
warn in advance → warn
new breakthrough → breakthrough
reply back → reply
Weak modifiers can also create unnecessary padding within a sentence. Overuse of adverbs, in particular, can weigh down and weaken writing, and intensifiers, such as very, often do the opposite and decrease intensity. These little words tend to sneak in without the writer really thinking about it.
Such weak modifiers often include the following:
actual
actually
any
both
certain
certainly
comparatively
definitely
effectively
fortunately
hopefully
in fact
in general
in particular
indeed
namely
necessarily
needless to say
over time
particularly
pretty
quite
rather
really
relatively
respectively
somewhat
specifically
very
Long sentences can be difficult to read, particularly if the syntax becomes tangled. A sentence, much like a garden hose, is wonderful if stretched out or carefully looped. However, if you're not careful, it can be twisted into a mess of knots. Little water comes out of a twisted hose, and little meaning comes out of a twisted sentence.
Shorter is often better. Clarity is key, and overly long sentences can distract a reader. Now, shortness is not required all the time. Indeed, having too many short sentences can make writing seem choppy. A variety of sentence lengths and structures will make writing interesting and increase the flow and rhythm of the prose. But if you lean toward short and concise you will be less likely to mislead your reader.
Breaking up or restructuring long sentences can help provide clarity and precision.
Here is an example of a longer sentence that has been revised.
Original
The dog, Jasper, circled the bear with his mouth agape, foam on his lips, barking and leaping in and out, as if feigning an attack, and the bear, meanwhile, rose to its hind legs and roared, taking a swipe at Jasper, and teeth snapped and bit and claws scrambled for purchase on the ground as Jasper tried to keep out of reach of his ursine opponent, as the animal knew he was in a death match.
Revised
Jasper circled the bear with his mouth agape. Foam spattered from the dog's lips. He barked, leaping in and out, as if feigning an attack. The bear rose on its hind legs and roared, a huge paw swiping at Jasper. The dog's teeth snapped and bit and his claws scrambled for purchase on the ground. Jasper had to stay out of reach of his huge ursine opponent; he knew he was in a death match.
Writing can also become bloated when there are unnecessary phrases and clauses, and these should be trimmed in order to create more precise prose. Entire sentences (or more) can sometimes be cut, particularly if the material is redundant, recurring, and repetitive. Wait, cross that last bit out: particularly if the material is redundant. Say it once and say it well; you don't have to repeat yourself. After a while, everyone ignores the boy who cries wolf.
Remember, cut unnecessary words and phrases, particularly if they are clumsy or distracting.
Original
John was full of the realization that he had the use of too many words at his disposal when it came to the act of speaking and the act of putting words down on the page.
Revised
John realized he used too many words when speaking and writing.
Cut unnecessary clauses. Look in particular at dependent clauses. What do they add to the writing? Are they redundant? If they aren't doing anything, cut them.
Original
The presentation was all about how to help poor and financially strapped people, as they didn't have much money.
Revised
The presentation was about how to help the poor and financially strapped.
Cut unnecessary sentences. Useless sentences are like leeches, drawing the life out of your writing. Cut them and you'll feel better. Trust us.
Original
We went to this fantastic party on Friday that was just alive and throbbing all night long. It was a really super time.
Revised
We went to this fantastic party on Friday that was alive and throbbing all night long.
Transitional words and phrases, when used for particular purposes, are often helpful or necessary. The problem is that many writers overuse such transitional elements, and the elements then become impediments to the reader. Clarity is diffused, and the pace slowed, when unnecessary transitions are used. Look at these examples.
The key is determining if the transitional element is serving a necessary function. For example, if for example is used to transition into a new sentence, it should serve a specific function, indicating that what follows is an example of the subject of the previous sentence. What happens if you take it out?
The key is to determine if the transitional element is serving a necessary function. If for example is used as a transition into a new sentence, it should serve a specific function, indicating that what follows is an example of the subject of the previous sentence.
This is clear. The first "for example" in the sentence isn't really needed, and getting rid of it removes the awkward echo effect of having "for example" arrive twice, back to back, in one sentence, while also making the expression shorter and more concise. However, such a deletion won't always be advantageous. Our use of however in the previous sentence is important, as it provides clarity and indicates a contrast between the first and second sentences. It indicates an exception and thus serves a useful purpose.
Listed below are some common transition words and phrases. All have their uses, but the overuse, or unnecessary use, of such elements should be avoided, and these words and phrases can be pruned from writing to make it more effective.
accordingly
after all
also
an example of this
as a result
as might be expected
besides
consequently
finally
furthermore
however
in addition
in other words
lastly
likewise
meanwhile
nevertheless
on the contrary
on the other hand
similarly
soon
such
then again
therefore
For example, furthermore can be endlessly used to add new ideas, sentences, and clauses, but this would only dull the writing. The term is rarely needed, and should only be used if it performs a necessary function.
In this lesson, we've looked at some of the major causes of awkward wording and awkward constructions. We've identified why writing should be concise, and we've given you some things to consider when hunting for unnecessary wording. Here's a list of the things you need to watch out for when editing for extra words and weak modifiers.
Unnecessary articles
Extra nouns
Extra verbs
Redundant phrases
Weak modifiers
The process of locating long, rambling sentences is easy. Cutting them down can be difficult. Sometimes you will be forced to reorganize entire paragraphs in order to maintain the meaning and make the sentences grammatically sound. Sometimes whole phrases and clauses can be cut, and sometimes it's necessary to add or delete transitional words and phrases. The ability to tell when a sentence needs complexity takes a long time to develop, but anyone can recognize clunky, overwrought sentences with relative ease.
Last Updated: 09/29/2022