Stuck
by Evi Christopherson
by Evi Christopherson
September 22, 1995
In my room
I sit and wait
To be seen
To be heard
To be noticed
In this family
This sick, rotten family
Of mine
How will I live
If I can’t even have a home
September 23, 1995
Today I went
To run.
Far away.
From here.
From my problems.
From this complete nightmare
Of a “home”
But
They caught me
They always catch me
I’m not fast enough
September 24, 1995
I think I will do it
Leave this world
This sick, rotten world
I will do it on the bridge
The water looks tempting, almost calming
The water looks like home
The water feels like home
More of a home than mine
All of their money
But no love
Nothing is here for me
September 25, 1995
Saturday is my birthday
My fourteenth birthday
I don’t want it to be
I never do anything
They never do anything
Especially for me
I think I’ll do it then
On the bridge
By the river
Of which I share a name
It will be memorable
They will never forget
What they have done to me
At least I hope
Maybe they’ll just shrug it off
Like they always do
To me
And my stupid,
Worthless,
Meaningless,
Life
September 26, 1995
I went to school
School is almost better
Than my home
If I can even call it that
All of the kids
Call me rich.
Call me spoiled.
Call me worthless.
They say
I will never need anything
Besides “Daddy’s money”
But they don’t know
The truth.
About me.
And my life.
How my family doesn’t care
If I live or die.
If I eat.
They only care
That I do everything
For them
Because they cannot
Help themselves
Or me
September 27, 1995
I think
They might’ve started
To notice
Me
Who I am
As a person
My mother asked
What I wanted
For my birthday
But,
She said I could only get
One thing
One cheap, worthless thing
And go out
For dinner
So, I said,
A notebook and a pen
To write my note
My note
Something that finally belongs to me
To my family
My horrible, worthless family
I also asked
To go to Olive Garden
Yes,
That will be it
A nice last meal
They’ve never asked me this before
What I wanted
Especially not for my birthday
September 28, 1995
For the first time,
Someone said hello
Someone was nice to me
Me,
With my worthless,
Useless,
Meaningless life
To be fair,
It was only the mailman
The stupid mailman
Mom says he is wrong
She says
“Never talk to him
To that filthy, horrible, man”
But
She is wrong
The mailman is the sweetest,
Kindest,
Most wonderful man
On this crummy planet
September 29, 1995
Tomorrow
I leave
I leave this world
This horrible, cruel world
I leave this family
This horrible, cruel family
My note
It will say
“I’m gone
Don’t try and stop me
It’s too late
My horrible
Cruel family
You never noticed me
And I doubt you even will now”
I will leave it
Right by the bridge
Maybe they will find it
At this point,
It doesn’t matter
September 30, 1995
Today
I am fourteen years old
Today
I do it
I cannot wait
I am counting down
The hours
Minutes
Seconds
I am doing it
At eight-thirty
I will go outside
Run
Run for my life
Or rather to end it
Get to the bridge
Set down my note
Take my final breath
And jump
To the river
It will be like a soft pillow
Helping me go to sleep
Except
I won’t wake up.
October 13, 1995
I woke up
In the hospital
Arms aching
Body on a bed
Hooked up to machines
That I have no clue what they do
No family in sight
Doctors said that they don’t care
Mom said I’m fine
Just dramatic
Dad says I need to be happy
Think about the good things
What good things?
Except
There is someone else in my room
My hospital room
Someone I recognize
It’s the mailman
That my mother hates so much
He walks over
Hugs me
He says,
“You’re safe with me
Please don’t die again”
And for the first time,
In my life,
I feel at home
January 1, 1996
My new years resolution
Was to stop
Stop thinking about the bad
Only focus on the good
So far, I’m doing well
Social workers took me from my old home
My old parents
They say that they abused me
Mentally and verbally
I agree
I was taken in by the mailman
Who has a name of Bill
And his boyfriend, Michael
I think that I am much happier
Now that I have a place
A home
A real home
With people I love
And people that love me
And I will stay with these people
For ever
And ever
Until the day I die,
But this time it won’t be me ending it.