13 Things
with Mr. Laguzza
with Mr. Laguzza
Oct '26
The raccoons in Central Park. Run before sunrise (or just after), and you will have company: really fat adorable raccoons. I am aware that they have claws that could rip off my face, and I’ve seen their aggression in more than one feint when we were too close to each other for them to ignore me. But I don’t care. I see these guys and just think: cuddle time!
Let’s stick with animals. Tapirs. They have funny long noses, weigh, like a ton or so, I think, sink to the bottom of riverbeds, and then walk along them, and their voices are like a bird chirping. Tapirs are the best.
Mr. Hirt’s email messages. They are about NFL football, running in Central Park, and Wisconsin, and they are always hilarious. I am honored to receive them.
Those pizza box containers in Central Park. I do not miss the piles of pizza boxes after long weekends. First of all, New Yorkers are terrible at picnicking. I should know. I’ve eaten many a Famiglia slice at a supposed picnic in the East Meadow. But the pizza box piles in the morning were just ridiculous. Of course, you do know who misses them, right? (See #1.)
Knicks in Five! The New York Knicks won the NBA Championship! I have been a Knicks fan for approximately 40 years. Do you know how many times they won in those 40 years? This is the only one! So for all you artsy PCS people, get over it. The entire town loves the Knicks! Get on board. Timmy C was there, so it must be okay!
Henry IV Part One. Why did I never teach this before? It’s the best Shakespeare. So straightforward, so funny. Criticizes corrupt governments, war, royalty, and knightly honor. Champions ne’er-do-wells and outsiders. That’s my kind of Shakespeare.
Not driving. Seriously. Driving is the worst. I love living in NYC, yes, for the interesting people, excellent restaurants, and the fact that every band I love will always have my hometown on their tour schedule. But not driving is one of the biggest reasons I reside in Manhattan. Why are robots writing horrible music and boring essays? They should be driving our cars! When I’m doing the dishes or having trouble falling asleep or getting yelled at by some whacko to get off the sidewalk when I am riding my bike on the bike traverse, I think to myself: this is great. I’m not driving right now.
Running. If you don’t know I run, you don’t know me. I excelled at cross-country as an eighth grader and never looked back. I just run and run and run. Clears the mind. Dampens the existential dread. Assuages the animosity toward everyone walking around, staring at their phones. Oh my god, look up! What is wrong with you!? Yep, running. Keeps me in check. And I do it a lot. Just ask my knees.
Hardcore dancing. No, I never really did much of it as a kid. The place I went to was too crowded and tightly packed for all those sweet moves Azhy is so good at. We just shoved each other and swirled around like a washer cycle: get on stage, jump on crowd, eventually get put back down, shove around, end up at stage edge again, get on stage. Repeat. But I love watching kids hardcore dance at NYC shows now. It is such an esoteric odd thing, and it is the perfect catharsis. If you don’t know what it looks like, go YouTube Sick of It All’s “Step Down” music video. They provide a jokey lesson on all the moves.
Def Leppard’s Hysteria. Who wants to hear me expound upon supposedly good music when I can instead sing the praises of the greatest album of all time? Picture 9-year-old Mr. Laguzza being brought up in a home full of 60s hippie rock and his sister’s Cyndi Lauper and Madonna records. Then he hears the impossibly thick guitar tone overdubbed a trillion times on the so-guilty-of-objectifying-women-it’s-just-silly “Women”, the opening track of Hysteria. And then there’s Joe Elliott’s voice (actually like 10 of them). And the drums. They are electronic because the drummer lost an arm. They sound like meteors crashing into the Earth. The production of Hysteria is legendary. I think its brilliance is mostly in making it unclear if humans were involved in the creation of this album. This is something I would normally disdain, but the Lep already established on previous albums that they can sing and play, so let them go way too far with studio effects. It’s their new toys! Also, after the embarrassing (although rocking “Women”) the entire album is ballads. Not kidding. Just one torch song after another. But in Def Leppard form. Basically, this is humanity’s peak in music creation.
Universal monster movies. It’s that time of year, kids, but don’t get bullied into a fewsleepless nights from watching legitimately scary movies. Stick with the Universal monsters. The love story of The Mummy will break your heart. Realizing The Creature of the Black Lagoon is just 90 minutes of a guy in a rubber suit swimming around in a water tank will bring a smile to your face. And The Bride of Frankenstein, guys. Best movie ever! When the monster saves the doctor and Elizabeth at the end and proclaims that he and the Bride are abominations that must not be? Gets me every time. The monster looks at the doctor as the lab is falling down around them and yells, “Go! You live!” Then he turns to the Bride and…(Wait, I’m sorry. Just give me a minute… sob) and yells, “You stay! We belong dead.” That’s it right there. The most profound moment in Hollywood history.
Mad magazine. Sorry, kids. You missed out. Mad was brilliant. It ripped on every politician, every blockbuster movie, every pop star. And it was also just downright silly and nonsensical all the time. For example, its Marriages that Never Happened jokes. I have George and Hillary Clinton’s wedding picture hanging in my classroom from that one. Still makes me laugh. (Also, Hillary probably would have been better off, amirite?)
Writing this list. It’s totally self-centered, but it was Bea’s idea. I wanted to be a good example and contribute to the magazine this year, and was struggling for ideas, so here you go.