Navigating Conflict

Having a hard conversation and doing it well can have a tremendous positive impact. Avoiding it, or not being prepared can at times make the situation more difficult. Below are some tips for being prepared for hard conversations to make them more likely to be productive.

Understanding your self better and understanding how and why you react in certain ways is a great first step to being able to effectively navigate conflict in a manner that could effect positive change.

Mindfully prepare for a hard conversation. Ask yourself:

• What is the goal of the conversation?

• Where is the best place to have this? Where will you be the most present and effective?

• Should this be in person, through text, zoom? Think through which is the best way to communicate for your conversation.

• How am I inviting this person (phone, email, text?)

• Who else is invited?

• Do they know why we are meeting? Being transparent matters (good faith, no tricks).

• Be overt: Ask for what you need. Say “I feel [feeling], when you do [X], because, for me it would be better if [….]

  • Also being aware of others need

• Speak for yourself and in the first-person. Describe your concerns without judgment. Express your feeling. Be vulnerable. Be aware of what is opinion and what is fact.

• Try this technique to express the “why” of your ask:

  • When you (observation)

  • I thought or felt (feeling or thought)

  • Because (interest or need)

  • I’d prefer that (preference)

• Turn off the world: Turn off your phone, shut down your computer, close the door.

• Listen without interruption: Give them time to just talk freely, to tell their story

• Listen like you: If you need a minute to think before responding, just say so.

• Suspend judgment long enough to ask questions and listen. We are all judgers, it’s part of what makes us human. We sense danger, and it’s fight or flight. But often, our first impression is a judgment that blocks us from really listening. Paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment often means letting go of judgment.

• Assumptions: You cannot know what someone else is thinking or feeling unless you ask.

• Ask mindful, clarifying questions. Asking clarifying questions both shows you are listening and also demonstrates that you want to make sure you fully understand what is being said. To make sure you fully understand, try saying:

  • Can you please repeat that part?

  • I’m not sure I understood fully, can you say it differently?

  • Do you I have this right, I think you are trying to say…

• No one can control others, but you are in charge of your own actions and words. Focusing on how you are feeling and what your needs are is within your realm of control.

• Everyone has a different natural conflict style.

• A goal shouldn't be to "win" but to be able to effectively move forward (which can look different in every situation)

• Emotions are normal, especially high-stakes situations or relationships that mean lot to you. Taking a moment or pause to be aware of your emotions and breath can help you stay calm and present.