Grief and Loss

Grieving and traumatic grief disrupt normal functioning. Everyone will need to feel they are in a safe place to express and work through their loss and traumatic stress. Recognizing grief and loss can apply to experiences, milestones and changes as well as the literal loss of people or things – and those losses will feel big to students and should be taken seriously and not dismissed as “less than” other, more impactful losses in the adult world.


It is helpful to understand the basic stages of grieving (these can occur in any order):

  • Shock: Usually the first reaction, often experienced as numbness or physical pain and withdrawal.

  • Denial: Acting as if no loss has occurred to avoid the painful feelings and thoughts.

  • Depression: Feeling pain, despair and emptiness is not always accompanied by a visible or expected emotional release such as crying.

  • Guilt: Self-blame for not having expressed more caring or a belief the loss was his/her fault.

  • Anxiety: Panic reactions as reality sets in.

  • Aggression: A misdirection of anger and frustration and a lack of control. Trusted teachers may have negative moods and behaviors directed toward them and see that as rejection, when it is a confirmation of the safe space they have created.

  • Reintegration: Loss is accepted (although there may be periods of relapse).

Signs of Grief:

  • Regressive behaviors

  • Social withdrawal

  • Decreased verbalization, attention and concentration, academic performance, or school attendance

  • Increased anxiety, irritability, aggression or high risk behaviors

  • Somatic complaints including stomach aches and headaches

  • Sleep or eating disturbances

  • Guilt

  • Depression

  • Anger at the deceased

  • Repeated re-telling of the event


To help others deal with loss:


First acknowledge what has happened. Validate their loss- “I am sorry you are experiencing this”. Then normalize the range of emotions that may be experienced.

Encourage them to talk about what happened and how they feel. (“Tell me what you’re feeling.” “I’m so sorry.”)

Ensure this conversation is happening in a safe space where there is truly time to communicate, share, empathize and grieve.

Remember that adults do not need to hide their own process, challenges or grief.

Adults being open and vulnerable likely will encourage students to share. Adults must do this in a regulated manner (i.e.controlled vulnerability).

Offer for them to speak to a mental health staff in school.