Dunkin Doughnuts-Just Dunkin'

By Asher Cohen - Tues Dec 15, 2020

The world is in a state of disarray. The Coronavirus has caused us to fear for our health every time we step outside, climate change has continued to rage rampant through the world as our incompetent government fails to do anything about it and our president, who has embarrassed himself and the country time and time again, has done the unthinkable and refused a peaceful transfer of power. However, there is another crisis that has been shamefully unspoken about by the media. Something that I daresay has damaged the very soul of the world.

 It has been brought to my attention that Dunkin' Donuts, a foundationianal part of the soul of our nation,  has changed its name to just “Dunkin'”. Now some of my colleagues have referred to this as “not important” and “a stupid idea for an article,” however, I am here to speak the truth about how this heinous act is both a betrayal of all that is good in this world, and morally wrong on so many levels. 

While this might come as a shock to you innocent people of the world, it is in fact the last nail in the coffin of a decade long civil war within Dunkin' Donuts, between the noble and pure-hearted doughnuts and the usurper that is coffee. Dunkin' Donuts for years has been pushing itself farther and farther out of doughnuts and into coffee. You may notice that Dunkin' Donuts releases a new coffee almost every month (the most recent being “The Charlie” which deserves its own article), but the doughnut flavors have not changed in years. 

Dunkin' Donuts started as a quaint little doughnut shop in Quincy, Massachusetts and quickly became a multi-billion dollar fast food doughnut emporium. However, with the massive profits made from Starbucks and other such fast food coffee shops, Dunkin' (Donuts) realized that if they were going to keep up they would have to start selling coffee. As the years became decades, they realized that coffee brought in such a profit that they should expand to primarily a coffee shop type restaurant. Now, while I believe that this was a horrible and possibly mafia-related act made by the DD corporation, it is far from the end. I believe that we as a people can come back from anything and I will continue to bring you the news you deserve with a glazed doughnut in hand.