When children are heightened

I was asked to do a presentation on supporting children with mindfulness techniques when they are heightened. Knowing what to do when a child is heightened is tricky. There are so many variables and unknowns. This is truly dealing with complexity. So I lean into what I do know. This is drawn from the work of Dr Louie Gardiner whose PhD Attending, Responding and Becoming: a living~learning inquiry in a naturally inclusional playspace  is drawn from complexity and systems thinking. 

• EVERY INTERVENTION IS AN EXPERIMENT WITH UNKNOWN OUTCOMES. Dr Louie Gardiner

  • I am offering ‘interventions’ with no guarantee of a particular outcome.

  • What could support a child in this moment may not in another.

• NO WAY IS THE ONLY WAY. Dr Louie Gardiner

  • I wish I could offer a ‘quick fix’, or a try this and it will work.  I can’t.

• EMOTIONS MOVE THROUGH US AS THEY MOVE US TO MOVE. Dr Louie Gardiner.

  • Emotions move through our bodies not our heads. Helping kids connect to their bodies and move emotions through their bodies can support them to meet their emotions.

What I know from personal experience:

• • RELATIONSHIP is EVERYTHING. If you don’t have a relationship with a child there is no trust, and with no trust no safety.

  • That said, I have had successful moments with children I’ve never met before. They just needed a change of faces. No way is the only way!

  • We need to keep ourselves and our children safe. Sometimes, we need to step in and shut things down. 

  • There are different degrees of ‘heightened’. Telling a child that is throwing chairs at you to do their belly breathing may not help you or them. That said, I have worked with very heightened children who were distracted by me randomly blowing bubbles. In one situation I gave them a bottle and they also started blowing bubbles with me. No words. Just standing side by side blowing bubbles.

  • Whatever has been activated in them HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU even if you said the words in that moment that activated them. It has everything to do with where they are emotionally right now and all the littles that led up to this moment.

This may seem strange, but if you are unsettled/panicking then it may be harder for you to meet what emerges.

• Breath and give yourself a minute.

• Breath out loud and count. 

• Notice if you are caught in the outcome. If you are trying to ‘get a child somewhere’ you are not present to yourself, to them and what they may need.

• Notice your own physicality…is your heart rate up? Breath into your body.

• Notice your own feelings. I have felt fear before stepping forward and working with a child. I remind myself, they are a child, I am an adult, I can call for help if things get too tricky.

• Attend to other children or people who are in the room.

  • We need to make sure everyone is safe. If we have to, let’s get everyone out of the room.

• Attend to the child.

  • Take a deep breath and let’s get down to the child’s physical level. What is going on for them?

• If you are aware of children that tend to be activated regularly, then start to plant seeds with them when they are not heightened.

• Pick one or two practices that you think would resonate with them, and repeat these on a regular basis.

• A lot of the kids that have a pattern of high dysregulation, LOVE what's in the box? I find an item from nature, put it in a box. Then I ask the kids to open it but before they open it I ask them to do some belly breathing. Then they get to open the box and we get to be curious together.

Children (like adults) get activated by different things at different times. What others say to them, what they think is going to happen or not happen, and more. We can’t control every single variable to stop our kids from being activated. What I teach kids is, it’s ok to have big emotions. It’s ok to feel emotions like anger and hate. It’s not what we feel, it’s what we do with the feelings that can create problems for ourselves and those around us. Here are some invitations to offer when one of your kids is activated:

• What do you need right now? Here are 3 options.

• Invite them to a quiet space.

• Stand with them.

• What if we breath through this together?

• Do you want to draw this out with some paper and coloured pens/pencils? 

• Would some Play Doh help?

• What if we got a ball and booted it up at the football field?

• What does anger want to say? I hear you.

• I understand you feel fear right now. What do you know to be a fact right now? Let’s speak to fear.

• What do we know is a fact right now? What could we find out together?

• I am safe….repeating this with a child.

• 5 Finger Breathing.

• Breathing up to the number 5 and back down.

• Stay with the child and invite them to breath into their body. Keep breathing yourself.

• 5,4,3,2,1. (5 things I see; 4 things I can touch; 3 things I hear; 2 things I smell; 1 thing I taste.)

• If you have a soundproof space may be offer music. Loud music and moving about can help some young people process their feelings.

• Once a child has self regulated, you may experience that you are now heightened. ATTEND TO YOURSELF before you step back into the classroom.

• What do you now need? Ask for someone else to step in so you can gather a minute. Ask yourself, what do you need? A cup of tea, a moment to yourself?

• Tune into your own emotions. Has the situation triggered feelings in you? Take some time to notice your own feelings.

• Remember ‘every intervention is an experiment with unknown consequences.’ You did the best you could with the resources you had.

• Be kind to yourself. Maybe take it easy after work. Give yourself time and space to attend to yourself.

• Reflect after you have recovered. Take some time to reflect on what did and didn’t happen. Check in with your team and Manager. Could we have done anything differently? What worked? What didn’t?