Tips for Understanding and Communicating Respectfully With Your LGBTQ+ Child
Mirror your child’s language. Listen to how your child identifies, the terms they use, and the way they talk about people who are important to them, then mirror that language. If your daughter identifies as queer, don’t refer to her as a lesbian, use her language. Have conversations with your child about the terms you should be using, what they mean to your child, and how you can be the most respectful in your language when speaking with your child and with others.
Avoid trying to figure out why. Your child is not LGBTQ+ because of that time you let them paint their fingernails or allowed them to cut their hair really short. No one knows why some people are straight and others aren’t. There is no data on why some people are cisgender and others are transgender. Resist the temptation to blame anything or anyone for your child’s LGBTQ+ identity. Not only is there no causal evidence, but blaming implies that your child is somehow defective. Not cool.
Try not to confuse orientation and gender. Orientation is who we are attracted to. Gender is who we are. They are completely different things. In other words, if your son has come out as gay, it doesn’t mean that he really wants to be a woman. If your daughter has come out as transgender, you have no idea what her orientation is unless she tells you.
Don’t get caught up in stereotypes and preconceived notions. A great deal of our impressions and understanding of LGBTQ+ individuals come from the media, where LGBTQ+ people are often portrayed in very stereotypical ways. Try not to get caught up in preconceived ideas of what being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender means and looks like. Your lesbian daughter may love makeup. Your transgender son may hate sports. Allow your child the freedom to express themselves however they want and engage in activities of their choosing.
Use the GTQ identities as adjectives. Many people think the words gay, transgender, and queer are nouns, but they’re adjectives. Saying “the gays” is offensive. Please say “gay men” instead. A person is not “a transgender,” they are “a transgender individual.”
Remember that orientation and sexual behaviors are different. Just because your child has come out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, it doesn’t mean that they are necessarily having sex. Think about how old you were when you first knew whom you were attracted to. It’s common for people to know whom they are attracted to long before they engage in any sexual activity.
Use the “Switch It” Technique. Not sure how to talk with your LGBTQ+ child about relationships and sex? Your interactions should be no different than they would be with a non-LGBTQ+ child. Do talk with your LGBTQ+ child about healthy relationships, safety, and access to appropriate care. Don’t ask your LGBTQ+ child intimate sexual questions that you wouldn’t ask a non-LGBTQ+ child.
