Monologues

Choose TWO of the following monologues 

You may be asked to perform both or just one in the audition. 

Hint- find places in the monologues that show your personality. look for moments where you can put your spin on the character. A different emphasis on a syllable, making the world of the character real, modulating your speed of delivery all help you stand out.

AUDITION SIDES 

These are sorted by character. 

3/ Bruce p|45 

Okay! Look! All right! I stole the cake. And honestly, I was really, definitely, sort of, almost thinking about owning up. Maybe? But the thing was, I was having a lot of trouble with my belly. You see, the Trunchbull's cake was so good that I'd scoffed it down too quick, and now it was beginning to fight back. Oops! See! (BURP) It was the biggest burp I had ever done. It was the biggest burp I had ever heard. The biggest burp I had ever heard about! It was like the entire world went silent for that burp to exist. As a huge cloud of chocolaty gas wafted from my mouth and drifted across the class. Past Lavender. Past Alice. Past Matilda. And then, my great, big, beautiful chocolaty burp, which now seemed to have a mind of its own, wafted full into the face of the Trunchbull! 

THE ESCAPOLOGIST: Have I been so wrapped up in my grief for my wife that I have forgotten the one thing that mattered to us most? I love you so much, my daughter, I shall spend the rest of my life making it up to you. We shall be together forever. Don’t cry little girl, nothing can hurt you. You’ve nothing to fear; I’m here. 

12/ Miss Honey p|76 

I’m not strong like you, Matilda. You see, my father died when I was young. Magnus was his name. He was very kind. But when he was gone, my aunt became my legal guardian. She was mean and cruel like you can hardly imagine. And then, when I got my job as a teacher, she presented me with a bill for looking after me all those years. She’d written everything down: every tea bag, every electricity bill, every tin of beans. And she made me sign a contract to pay her back every penny. She even produced a document that said my father had given her his entire house. 

8/ Lavender (also for Alice, Amanda, and Hortensia) p|55 

Hello. I'm Lavender, by the way. Matilda's best friend! There's a bit coming up that's all about – me! Well, not exactly about me. But I play a big part in it. But I'm not going to say what happens, because I don't want to spoil it for you. [She starts walking off the stage with the microphone, then stops.] All right. Look. What I do is I volunteer to give the Trunchbull a jug of water. And on the way back . . . No! I don't want to tell you anymore because I don't want to ruin it! [She walks off stage. After a moment, she runs back on.] Well . . . On the way back, I find a newt. A newt is like a really ugly lizard that lives in water. And so I pick it up and . . . No! I'm not saying any more! [She raises her fists and growls, then huffs off. Before she can make it off stage, she turns around.] I'm going to put the newt in the Trunchbull's jug! It's going to be brilliant! 

1/ Matilda p|16 

Once upon a time, the two greatest circus performers in the world – an escapologist who could escape from any lock that was ever invented, and an acrobat who was so skilled it seemed as if she could actually fly – fell in love, and got married. They performed some of the most incredible feats together anyone has ever seen. And people would come from miles around: kings! queens! celebrities! and astronauts! And not just to see their skill, but also to see their love for each other, which was so deep that it was said that cats would purr as they passed them, and dogs would weep with joy. They moved into a beautiful old house at the edge of town, and in the evenings, they would walk and take the air. And each night, the children of the town would wait in anticipation, hoping for a glimpse of the shiny white scarf that the acrobat always wore, for then they knew that they had only to cry, "Tricks! Tricks!" and the great performers would instantly oblige with the most spectacular show, just for them. But although they loved each other, although they were famous and everyone loved them, they were sad.

MATILDA  Yes. Well, I needed to learn to read words so that I could read sentences. Because basically a sentence is just a big bunch of words. And if you can't read sentences, you've got no chance with books. (to the students) Oh, no, she's coming! You'd better hide! Quick, jackets! Nigel is over the Miss Trunchbull under those coats. Where he's been for the last hour, actually. Oh, yes. You see, unfortunately, Nigel suffers from the rare, but chronic sleep disorder, narcolepsy. The condition is characterized by the sufferer experiencing bouts of chronic fatigue, and falling suddenly asleep, often without knowing, or any warning at all. You see, he fell asleep, and we put him under the coats for safety. Didn't we He'll probably think he's in bed when he wakes up 

13/ Nigel p|90

 Hide me! Someone poured a whole can of treacle onto Trunchbull’s chair! She sat down and when she got up her knickers stayed stuck to the seat! Someone told her I did it, but I never, and now she’s after me! Oh Matilda... they say she’s going to put me in Chokey! They say it’s a cupboard in her office that she throws children into! They say she’s lined it with nails and spikes and bits of broken glass...please don’t tell her where I am. 

MRS. PHELPS: Matilda! What a pleasure to see you; here in the library again, are we? Your parents must be so proud to have a girl as clever as you. And do you tell them lots of stories like you do with me? Oh, I love your stories, Matilda. And that’s not a hint, by the way. But if you did happen to have a story you wanted to tell me — I’m not hinting, but if you did happen to have a story you wanted to tell me — Now look, are you going to tell me a story or not? 

SERGEI (With a Russian accent): You are the Wormwood daughter? The Wormwood is a stupid man. And being stupid he assumed I was stupid too. And that’s a very, very, stupid — and rude — thing to do. But you know this? At least there is one clever one in the family. What is your name little girl? I like you Matilda; you seem smart. Sadly, in my line of work I don’t often get to meet smart people like you. Most of the people I deal with, their thinking is all backwards. 

THE TRUNCHBULL (Option 1): 

Silence! Oh, that’s alright, Jenny. We all get carried away sometimes. Even me. Well, done Bogtrotter. Good show. Well? Come along Bogtrotter. Oh, did I not mention? That was the first part of your punishment. There’s more, The second part. And the second part is… chokey! Do you think I would allow myself to be defeated by these maggots? Did you? Who do you think I am, Miss Honey? A weakling, an idiot? A fool? You? 

THE TRUNCHBULL (Option 2): 

In this world, children, there are two types of human being. The winners and the losers. I am a winner. I play by the rules and I win. But if I play by the rules and I...do not win, then something is wrong, something is nnto working. And when something is wrong you have to put it right. Even if it screams. (pause) What are you looking at? 

Miss Trunchbill 

How dare you? You are not fit to be in this school madam. You ought to be in prison! In the deepest dankest darkest prison! I shall have you wheeled out strapped to a trolley with a muzzle over your mouth. I shall crush you. Your father is a crook and so are you. Miss Honey has allowed her weakness and filth to permeate through this miserable collection of excuses for children and you, madam, standing there before me like the squit of squids, are it’s beating heart. You are the axis of evil, you are the nexus of necrosis, you are a rotting lump of pure wrong. You are a black hole of wrongheadedness from which, no light, no strength, no discipline can escape. But I am a match for you, madam. In me you have met the avenger, the spirit of all that is right. And I tell you there is nothing I shall not do, no length to which I shall not go, no punishment I shall not inflict, no ear I shall not stretch, no finger I shall not snap back to defeat you. Yes, I defeat you in exaltation, do you hear? Are you listening? Are you listening madam? 

6/ Mr. Wormwood p|52 

Ladies and gentlemen! I would like to offer an apology for some of the things that have been going on here tonight. They are not nice things, and they are not right things. And I would like to state, guarrantorically, that we would not like any children who might be here tonight watching this to go home and try these things out for themselves. I am, of course, talking about reading books. Now, it is not normal for kids to behave in this fashion. It stunts the brain, it wears out the eyes; it makes kids ugly, stinky, fatty, sweaty Betty, boring, gaseous . . . and crucially, it gives them verruca’s…of the mind. Under no circumstances do we condone such activities, and we do so utterly without reservoirs. 

MR WORMWOOD Matilda’s father 

[to the phone] Hang on. (to Matilda) Stop scaring your mother with that book, boy. [to the phone] I'm gonna call you straight back. [to MRS WORMWOOD] Would you please shut up? I am trying to pull off the biggest business deal of my life and I have to listen to this. It's your fault. You spend us into trouble and you expect me to get us out. What am I? A flaming escapologist? I'm gonna make us rich! Russian businessmen: very, very stupid! Your genius husband is going to sell them one hundred and fifty five old cars as brand-new luxury cars.[to MATILDA] And you with your stupid books and your stupid reading - get off to bed, you little bookworm. 

MRS WORMWOOD 

Look at this. She's reading a book. That's not normal for a five-year-old. I think she might be an idiot. And she keeps trying to tell me stories, Harry. Stories. Who wants stories? I mean, it's just not normal for a girl to be all . . . "thinking". Your father wants to escape this! What about me, then? I've got a whole house to look after! Dinners don't microwave themselves, you know! If you're an escapologist, I must be an acrobat to balance that lot. The world's greatest acrobat! I am off to bleach my roots . . . and I shan't be talking to you for the rest of the evening, you horrid little man! Hmm. Well, I shall take your money when you earn it, and I shall spend it. But I shan't enjoy it, because of the despicable way in which you have spoken to me tonight. 

MRS. WORMWOOD:

Escapologist he says! What about me then? I’ve got a whole house to look after — dinners don’t microwave themselves you know! If you’re an escapologist I must be an acrobat to balance that lot — the world’s greatest acrobat. I am off to bleach my roots and I shan’t be talking to you for the rest of the evening, you… horrid little man! 

Scenes

You may choose one scene to perform with a friend in addition to your monolog

4/ Doctor & Mrs. Wormwood p|4 

DOCTOR I think we should have a talk. (MRS WORMWOOD walks out from behind the curtain, heavily pregnant.) 

MRS. WORMWOOD So, what is it? What’s wrong with me? 

DOCTOR Mrs. Wormwood, do you really have no idea? 

MRS. WORMWOOD Gas? 

DOCTOR Mrs. Wormwood, I want you to think very carefully. What do you think might be the cause of - this? 

MRS. WORMWOOD (Gasp) Am I... Am I... Look, am I fat? 

DOCTOR You’re pregnant! 

MRS. WORMWOOD What?! 

DOCTOR You’re going to have a baby. 

MRS. WORMWOOD But I’ve got a baby! I don’t want another one. Isn’t there something you can do? 

DOCTOR You’re nine months pregnant! 

MRS. WORMWOOD Antibiotics, or... Oh, my good Lord! What about the BiAnnual International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championships? 

DOCTOR A baby, Mrs. Wormwood. A child. The most precious gift the natural world can bestow upon us has been handed to you. A brand new human being! A life. A person. A wonderful new person is about to come into your life to bring love, and magic, and happiness, and wonder! 

10/ Mrs. Phelps & Matilda p|15 

MRS. PHELPS Matilda! What a pleasure to see you. Here in the library again, are we? MATILDA Yes. I mean, my mum wanted me to stay at home with her. She hates it when I go out. She misses me so much. Dad too. He loves having me around. But I think it’s good for grown-ups to have their own space. 

MRS. PHELPS Your parents must be so proud to have a girl as clever as you. And do you tell them lots of stories like you do with me? I love your stories, Matilda! I’m not hinting, but if you did happen to have a story you wanted - 

MATILDA Who was that? 

MRS. PHELPS That lady? That was Miss Honey. She’s going to be your teacher. 

MATILDA That lady? That lady is my... 

MRS. PHELPS Yes, your teacher. Now, look. Are you going to tell me a story or not? 

11/ Sergei & Matilda p|90

SERGEI (a russian accent is required, but there is no need to learn Russian for the audition) Wormwood is a stupid man. And, being stupid, he assumed I was stupid too. And that is a very, very stupid, and rude, thing to do. 

MATILDA Yes, I am afraid my father is quite rude. And very, very stupid. 

SERGEI You know this? At least there is one clever one in the family. What is your name, little girl? 

MATILDA Matilda 

SERGEI I like you, Matilda. You seem smart. Certainly, in my line of work, you don’t often get to meet smart people like you. Most of the people I deal with, their thinking is all backwards. [Ee Dajza Pukravie swayvo mere Tsatsa utsa. Da. Priyatno poznakomitsa s takoy oom noy de vachkoy.] And she even covers for her rat of a father. Yes, it is a pleasure to meet such a child. MATILDA [Spaseeba. Mne to zhe priyatna paznakomitsa s Vami.] Thank you. And it is a pleasure to meet you, too. 

SERGEI Matilda! Who taught you how to speak Russian? 

MATILDA Well, I taught myself, I suppose. 

SERGEI I am Sergei! It is truly an honour to meet you, Matilda Wormwood. Matilda, your father has been stupid and rude to both of us, yes? I could very easily have one of my friends teach him manners. And one day, when he leaves hospital, he will still be stupid, but not so rude, I think. I give this as a gift to you. What do you say?

AUDITION SIDES 5/ Ms. Trunchbull & Miss Honey p|26 

TRUNCHBULL Don’t just stand there like a wet tissue. Get on with it. 

MISS HONEY Yes. Yes. Yes,Miss Trunchbull. There’s...erm...In my class, that is, er, there is a little girl called Matilda Wormwood. 

TRUNCHBULL Daughter of Mr. Harry Wormwood who owns Wormwood Motors. Excellent man. Told me to watch out for the brat, though; says she’s a real wart. 

MISS HONEY Oh no, Headmistress. I don’t believe Matilda’s that kind of child at all. TRUNCHBULL What is the school motto, Miss Honey? 

MISS HONEY “Bambinatum est magitum.” 

TRUNCHBULL “Bambinatum est magitum.” Children are maggots! 

MISS HONEY Miss Trunchbull, Matilda Wormwood is a genius! 

TRUNCHBULL Nonsense. Haven’t I just told you that she is a gangster? 

MISS HONEY She knows her times tables. 

TRUNCHBULL So she’s learned a few tricks. 

MISS HONEY Oh, but she can read! 

TRUNCHBULL So can I! 

MISS HONEY I have to tell you, Headmistress, that in... in... in my opinion, this little girl should be placed in the top form with the eleven-year olds! I believe that... Matilda Wormwood is an exception... to the rules. 

TRUNCHBULL An exception. To the rules. In my school? 

7/ Mrs. Wormwood & Miss Honey p|37 

MRS. WORMWOOD Who is it? 

MISS HONEY Oh, er, hello. It’s Miss Honey. Matilda’s teacher? 

MRS. WORMWOOD Bit busy right now! 

MISS HONEY Oh, it will only take a moment. 

MRS. WORMWOOD Oh, come in if you must. 

MRS. WORMWOOD This is Rudolpho! Oh, it’s nothing like that. He’s my dance partner. We’re rehearsing. What do you want, Miss Chutney? 

MISS HONEY Oh, it’s Miss Honey. Erm, well, as you know, Matilda is in the bottom class. And... And children in the bottom class aren’t really expected to read. 

MRS. WORMWOOD Well, then stop her reading! Lord knows we’ve tried. Look. I’m not in favour of girls getting all clever-pants, Miss Hussy. A girl should think about make-up and hair dye. Looks are more important than books. Now, look at you, and look at me. You chose books. I choose looks! 

MISS HONEY But Matilda can calculate complicated figures in her head in an instant! Her mind is incredible. With a little help from us, she could go to university before she - 

MRS. WORMWOOD Mind? Her mind? You really don’t know anything, do you? Somewhere along the way, my dear, you’ve made an awful error. You oughtn’t blame yourself now, come along. You seem to think that people like people what are clever. It’s very quaint, it’s very sweet, but wrong. People don’t like smarty-pants what go ‘round, claiming that they know stuff we don’t know.