What is relational trauma?

Relational trauma often happens when someone is emotionally neglected, abused, or when there is a lack of appropriate boundaries, most often beginning in childhood. However, it can include many types of relationships such as parent-child, spousal, and even friendships or workplace relationships. You may find that you experience these symptoms even if you don't feel you've been through any specific traumatic events.

Symptoms of relational trauma may include:

• You take responsibility for other people's feelings.

• You're overly independent, and feel that you can only rely on yourself.

• You have fears of your loved ones leaving you, or fears that they secretly don't like you.

• It's hard for you to feel safe and be yourself in your relationships.

• Relationships are on your mind more than anything else.

You may find that these patterns then carry on to other relationships in your life, like friendships or romantic relationships. Understanding and working through these experiences can be vital to your own mental health, as well as the health of all of your relationships.

If you are the family member or loved one of an addict, you know how difficult this experience is. Addiction takes many forms such as gambling, substance use, sex or porn, or any other number of afflictions. You worry about their future, what kinds of mayhem they'll cause in their own life or in the lives of others, or possibly if they'll even be alive tomorrow. Others may say, "Why can't they just stop?; Just leave them and find someone 'better!'; Stop bailing them out all the time." You know it isn't that easy, though. Loving someone with an addiction is confusing, scary, and exhausting. 

I pass no judgment on addicts, or those who love them. Addiction is a difficult disease that we cannot simply "will" ourselves out of, and that can be taxing on both the addict and those in their life. However, we can find ways for you to continue loving this person while also loving yourself. We may not be able to change someone else's behaviors, but we can work to set our own boundaries.

Death and Grieving

If addiction has taken your loved one's life, your grieving process may be confusing. You miss them, but hate what they did to you and/or your family. You may have regrets about what you could have done differently, and live in the world of "what if?" Grieving a loved one who has died from addiction is complicated, and tugs us in many directions. If this sounds like you, we can work together to address all of these thoughts and feelings to lead you to a more peaceful place.