Summit

Combating a Zombie Apocalypse: Current Solutions by UNSC and WHO

February 25, 2023

By Sophia Bourque

With a fast-growing outbreak of zombies across the world, the United Nations Security Council (UNSC), in collaboration with the World Health Organization (WHO), held a meeting to figure out a plan to combat the virus. There was agreement amongst the majority of the countries that a rapid response to the outbreak was necessary. Although the outbreak began with merely a handful of countries infected, it quickly spread to the majority of the world.

One resolution presented in the conference was the introduction of zombies to Sicily, Italy. Authored and supported by Italy, the United States, the United Kingdom, and Japan, the goal of this resolution would be to round up all zombies and transport them via Spirit Airlines to Sicily, where they would be quarantined. The plan included sending 25 representatives from Bass Pro Shops, who would use fishing nets to round up the zombies.

Additionally, Sicilians would receive “generous compensation” as an incentive to leave the city, however no inhabitant of Sicily would be forcibly removed. The current population of Sicily sits at around 5 million people, and the plan would be to relocate the majority. The funding for the project, according to the authors of the resolution, would come from America. The resolution passed 38/28.

Authored by Mexico and New Zealand, among other countries, the Blade Defense Bill was also proposed in hopes to quickly and effectively provide civilians with defense weapons and armor to combat the zombies. Additionally, Amazon drones would be utilized as delivery services, so as to not endanger delivery personnel. The bill would be funded by Morocco, as well as Amazon.

Supporters of this bill argued that every citizen needs an immediate form of defense that requires little training. The use of drones would allow for all areas, including rural ones, to be reached quickly. Many supporting countries also agreed that supplying other forms of defense, such as firearms, could result in mass shootings and mass violence. Therefore, blades would be a safer option that could be mass distributed and provide self defense for civilians.

Opponents of the bill argued that blades were not a safer or more effective option than firearms. Listonia argued that these zombies were once normal people, and so providing weapons to fend off zombies would still be contributing to mass murders. Instead, Listonia encouraged focusing on allocating funds towards research for a cure and/or vaccine against the zombies.

While the Blade Defense Bill seemed to be supported by the majority of countries, the bill ended up failing by majority.

Many different resolutions were presented, however a clear plan to combat the zombie apocalypse remains undecided amongst the countries in the UNSC and WHO.

Russian Spy Works With American Citizens to Assassinate Joe Biden, Threatening the Democracy America was Founded on

February 24, 2023

By Simon Robertson

One month ago, the National Security Council was infiltrated by a Russian mole. Today, President Joe Biden was assassinated in a train derailment. The NSC, West Wing, and Presidential Cabinet did not take any action and were unable to find any person guilty, despite the clear declaration of war from Russia.

During an NSC meeting discussing the military threats posed by Russia, China, Iran, and North Korea, the CIA announced that a Russian mole had been discovered within the NSC. Later in that meeting, an FBI agent arrested the mole who had been posing as a man named David Smith. NSC delegate Linda Thomas-Greenfield assures that the citizens of America “are not in any danger” despite the leaking of a classified resolution to the threat posed by Russia.

Today, an Amtrak train carrying President Joe Biden was intentionally derailed; the NSC, West Wing, and Presidential Cabinet gathered with eight suspects to find who assassinated the president of the United States.

As we mourn the loss of our president, patriots cannot help but seek reparations for the atrocity before us. Despite the extensive discussions held by a cooperation of governmental agencies, the Russian mole is to run free from the justice he deserves. Those discussions led to a clear conclusion discussed by the delegates: the train driver and the Russian mole cooperated under the order of Russia to assassinate the President of the freest country in the world.

During yesterday’s meeting, the NSC considered America’s next step against the threats to democracy posed by other countries in possession of nuclear weaponry or powerful militia. A resolution drafted by officials and voted on by the NSC called for widespread military treaties with Japan, Australia, New Zealand, and other countries to threaten but not harm China, an ally of Russia. This information, sufficiently jaded by the influence of the mole, proved America to be losing the military prowess it once had.

This show of weakness and lack of an iron will was surely enough for Russia to make its next move. The NSC, West Wing, and Presidential Cabinet discussed a possible story for the murder of President Biden: Russia took their already-in-place mole, an American train driver highly in debt to one of their casinos, and an enraged presidential aide and led them to assassinate President Biden.

Several members of the council observed the connections the Amtrak driver had to Russia. The driver had recently won the lottery, a statistically improbable thing, from a casino owned by Russians living in America. One month ago, at a similar time to when the Russian mole had entered the NSC, the Amtrak driver began their job on that train. The Russian mole was spotted by a passenger on that very train where President Biden was traveling. This trip was planned a single day in advance by the president’s aide. It is unlikely that the president being on a train operated by someone indebted to Russians and accompanied by a Russian mole is a coincidence.

What is America’s next step as a democracy? As a country of patriots? As an international superpower? The government will need to prepare the United States of America for defense against this imminent threat to democracy.

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