Bereavement & Grief Resources
Grief Speaks Newsletter Helping a grieving friend during the holidays
It's that time of year again when the days grow shorter and the holidays are quickly approaching. Holiday time can be festive and fun for many but also stressful, lonely and painful for some, particularly for those in the midst of grief. Often friends and family feel uncertain as to how to help those experiencing grief at this time of year.
9 Helpful Tips to Support Someone Grieving During the Holidays
Understand that the holidays can be very difficult and painful for those in grief. This year your friend may be dreading the holidays. Many of my grieving clients tell me that they wish they could go to sleep in mid November and wake up on January 2nd. Be mindful that this isn't the most wonderful time of the year for everyone.
Invite but don't push. Continue to extend invitations but don't place pressure or expectations on them as they may have no idea how they will be feeling when that day arrives. For instance, don't purchase tickets for a show, but instead invite them to something they can cancel last minute without feeling guilty of without letting anyone else down. Grief comes in waves and it's impossible to know how one may feel later today, let alone next week or next month.
Designate a point person. If many people are reaching out to your friend to offer meals, rides, or to go shopping for them etc. suggest that you help them designate a point person (someone who will coordinate what they need and communicate with friends and family who reach out to offer help). The point person can set up a meal train, rides to the hospital, child care or dog walking. This way the griever can get what they really need without having five tuna casseroles arriving on one day and this also frees the griever from having to respond to so many phone calls or texts a day in the early days and weeks. And remember that often the best gift for a grieving parent with young children or teens would be to offer to take the kids for a couple of hours or the day. The grieving parent is then free to express their grief fully at home without worrying that their children will be more upset seeing their parent in so much pain. It's okay to cry in front of children and teens but sometimes a griever needs to scream or wail. Also the parent may just appreciate some free time to do an errand, call a friend or take a nap.
Adjust expectations. As this holiday season will most likely be different from years past, help your grieving friend come up with a modified version of holiday traditions and gatherings. Suggest they take some time to prioritize what are the most important traditions they wish to keep this year and which can be set aside for now. For example, many grievers in an effort to conserve their limited energy now to skip sending holiday cards, baking lots of cookies or hosting the annual family holiday dinner. Other grievers will take the opportunity to reinvent this holiday season, so rather than sitting at the dining room table and staring at the empty seat of their loved one, they may decide to go away for the holiday, spend the day doing something totally different or simply eat the holiday dinner out at a restaurant or a friend's home for a change to make it different from years past. Some grievers share with me that they wish they could pass on the decorating the house but know that their young children would be too upset not to, so they oblige and most are glad they did. It's helpful to suggest they first find out what they think they are willing and able to do in the next coming months and what they would appreciate help with from others. Remind them how others really do want to help. Compromising helps at a time like this too. For example maybe they still want the holiday meal at their home to keep the tradition, but would prefer everyone to bring a dish so they don't have to cook.
If you want to give a gift, try a gift card and skip the alcohol. Many people will bring a bottle of wine around the holidays to their grieving friend or invite the friend out for drinks, but alcohol is not helpful for a griever as it's a depressant, often leaving the griever even more depressed. Drinking can also become an unhealthy way to cope with grief. Better ideas are gift cards for a healthy restaurant or grocery store or that the person likes, a gas card if they drive a lot, a card to their favorite coffee shop or for an evening at the movies.
Avoid trying to cheer up your friend. Many well meaning friends want to "fix" their friend. The only cure for grief is to grieve. Grief isn't something that one gets over, but one has to go through in order to heal. Trying to make your friend "cheer up" is not helpful and can be hurtful. When someone is grieving it can feel very frustrating to be with someone who is wanting them to be in a different feeling place than they are. Instead listen without judgment. Your friend will greatly appreciate that.
Invite your friend to volunteer with you. There is nothing like helping someone else in need when one is grieving or struggling. Grievers say that helping someone else provides them a break from their own pain and helps them to remember that even in their difficulty they can still be a positive influence on someone else. You both may want to volunteer to serve a meal to the homeless or food insecure at a soup kitchen, to do something physical like help build a family a house with Habitat for Humanity, or get involved with Angel Tree, an organization that reaches out to families of prisoners with physical and emotional needs (links for each of these organizations listed below). Maybe your friend has a favorite organization they want to get more involved with.
Invite your friend to get out in nature with you. Nature is healing and calming for the nervous system. Can be wonderful way to relax and practice mindfulness by sitting next to a stream or pond. Offer to walk their dog with them or if they are too tired sit on a bench outside with them. Slowing down and practicing mindfulness can be of great value for your friend now as well. Introduce your friend to a free app such as Insight Timer or Calm, which have thousands of guided meditations for sleep, stress and relaxation as well as nature sounds. This can also be something they use to help them with sleep, something that grievers often struggle with especially in the early days and weeks. Sleep is so important for our nervous system, immune system, mood and overall well being. Talking to your friend about creating some easy nighttime ritual to help them sleep may also be of great value for them.
Be willing to simply show up, be there and listen. The best gifts in life often cost nothing and yet are priceless, such as our caring, calm and relaxed presence. Grievers often talk about the people who simply showed up without an agenda and who were patient and peaceful companions. One of my favorite quotes by Henri Nouwen, a pastor, professor and theologian wrote, "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing....not healing, not curing...that is a friend who cares."
Grief Speaks
Grief Speaks: Giving every child, teenager and adult permission to grieve and providing grief with a voice by means of presentations and workshops that provide education, strategies, resources and support for children, teens and adults who are coping with grief due to all different types of loss. Teen Grief
Good Grief- Helping Children Cope With Loss
To normalize grief in our society and create resilient communities where children coping with loss grow up emotionally healthy and able to lead meaningful and productive lives. This is done through our year-round peer grief support center and educational workshops.
Grief Support After the Death of a Child
“The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”
—Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends
Unconventional Grief: Grieving someone who is still alive
Unconventional Grief
Traumatic Loss Coalitions for Youth
Rutgers University Behavioral Health