Student: "can I have a gobstopper?"

Me to Assistant: "what?"

Me to Student: "what?"

Student: "a gobstopper!"

Me to Assistant: "what is happening here?"

Student: "you know, the thing you give for a bleeding tooth!!!"

Me: "ohhhh…you mean GAAAUZE"

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Nurse: "...like over-the-counter medication?"

Student: "no, we keep it on top of the refrigerator"

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Student: "my sister...has a bone growing in her 'atestant' [intestine] and her heart is moving to the other side and she has to have it moved back"

[none of which was remotely true-verified by mom]

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Student: "my brother droov today"...then changed it to "my brother drived today"

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Student: "...she's a dentist, so she took an X-Ray"...[referring to a fractured toe]

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Student: "my eyes are broken" [when asked about their glasses]

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Nurse: "your eyes are pink"

Student: "my eyes are green"

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Student: "but can I have the donut?!" [requesting classroom birthday treat after presenting with a stomachache, after a breakfast of champions consisting of "a ham and cheese sandwich, cereal, and a cinnamon roll"]

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Parent: wrote on the back of the old Medical Information Card under "Medications"...METH [...gave up trying to spell the common ADHD medication Methylphenidate]

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Health Assistant: "What's your last name?"

Student: "Gotorecess"

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Students: "dishes" for "nauseous"

"University Studios" [for Universal Studios]

"Toys R 'Dust' "

"hummus" for "mucus"

"inflanked" for "inflamed"

"indiculous" for "incredible and ridiculous"

"croke" for "croup"

"I have more friends than a cow"

"my mom gave me Clarinet" [for Claritin]

"I used to have a bulldozer dog" [for Bull Dog]

DAD JOKES

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got twelve months.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana...

My brother-in-law quit his job as a can crusher because it was soda pressing.

My wife says that all I ever think about is baseball, but I think she's way off base.

When a dog gave birth on the side of the road, she was sited for littering.

At first, I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.