forewarning:
this whole blog will be written in lowercase, casual prose. i feel no need to filter myself through academia while journalling my thoughts and processes. i use expansive vocabulary, but i also say fuck, and that's okay.
not every post will be directly about my radical. sometimes, posts will just be life updates, or disconnected thoughts. ultimately though, it all ties back to the greater idea of "the artist". i am the Artist. my life is the Artist's life. so then, maybe writing all this down will help me evolve the story i am overall telling.
so i didn't get around to this until after final grades had already been posted, but i feel like i've spent enough time away from this piece to reflect on it now. for those who have been following this since the beginning (seth), you may have noticed that i questioned this piece quite a bit. i think i still do. to me, this still feels very hollow. maybe it's overexposure, maybe it's natural evolution, but i don't think i've come out of this with the same theme i started with. i'm not necessarily upset about that, but it does mean that i'll likely never be satsfied with what i've created.
however, i am still proud. my friends did wonderful work, and i've learned a lot about how to communicate and refine my vision. plus, a lot of people seemed to like it, being selected for the honors show and all. i'm tempted to make a little festival-esque graphic to add to my EPK. feels more official that way.
today was the last day of radical class. i'm gonna miss these fools. sarah, michael and mario were some unexpected but welcome friends, and i'm glad i got closer with sam and mason too. this semester has been a lot for me, emotionally, and i'm glad i had a good class to face it with. i really appreciate noah and seth for all the support they were in the post-production area, and dan for literally carrying me on his back during production. i owe them all something nice.
i feel like i still have no gauge or metric of my success. i don't know how this film turned out. i think it's too early to do a final reflections type of post, but i figured i should actually post something for the first time in 3 weeks (whoops). i have no time to think about my film, i'm just trying to stay afloat. maybe i'll be able to think more clearly after screenings. general vibes seem to be that the film is good though, so that's cool. it's nice to make something i don't immediately hate i guess.
the longer i work on this project, the less i'm happy with it. i feel like i picked a topic based on a desire to please others, in the end. i picked the door thing because it was the proposed idea my classmates responded to the most. i crammed the "woe is the artist" idea into that format because, ultimately, that was the thing i wanted to do, i just felt i had to fulfill the wishes of the people consuming it.
ironic, considering the whole shtick i ended up with.
i'm mostly bummed, i think, because i really enjoy consuming experimental media. all my classmates and peers seem to be making such cool pieces, and i've fallen back on stereotypical "radical film" tropes and visuals. i feel like a disappointment as a creative. i didn't come up with anything new for this, no new and unique filming style like dan, no cross-media incorporation like both noah's or mario, not even a subject i'm particularly passionate about like sarah or michael. i'm just.. making what you imagine when you hear "weird film-student film". woe is the artist. all my successes feel like matchsticks when i view my classmates films as skyscrapers.
maybe i'm not cut out for this. maybe i should just stick to some kind of PA type job, just fulfilling whatever the real creative person asks me to do. sometimes it feels like all i'm able to do successfully.
i got to see a first pass at a rough edit last night, and i'm conflicted.
on the one hand, i really love the edit we're working with now (seth i know you read my blog posts, the edit is fantastic, thank you). seth did a wonderful job combining all the elements i asked him to include, and we're moving forward with refining passes on a good schedule. noah has also seen it and doesn't seem to be worried about sound mixing at all, so he's either hiding it well or we're in a good spot.
on the other hand, it simultaneously is nothing and everything like i imagined the edit in my head. in some ways, i want to just keep the 3 long takes one after the other, and in others i want the chaos and overwhelmingness of the edit. it's a weird spot to be in.
i'm trying to have faith in the process, so we'll see how that fairs for me
i should go to the labs and start on a rough cut. i have laundry to put away. i have theater work to do.
so much to do, so little motivation.
my theme isn't coming across to viewers, even with a primed audience. i was told i needed a fresh set of eyes. i should probably stop staring at this everyday and wondering if it's good enough yet.
i need to start a rough cut, because i'm on set all weekend and noah needs picturelock by the first week of april. so soon, and i haven't even started a rough cut. i'll do my theater work tomorrow morning. between equipment pick up and set call. i should put my laundry away before i head to the labs. maybe by that time i'll actually be hungry enough to eat. ramadan mubarak.
i don't actually celebrate ramadan, but y'know. tis the season. i ache for that kind of spirituality sometimes. i'm not gonna get too into it, because that's neither here nor there regarding this project, but yeah. i ache for religion sometimes.
it must be nice to find comfort in the idea of some higher power.
i think i need to talk to a therapist, mainly about my incessant desire to constantly be working. i'm s'posed to be eating dinner right now, but as soon as i sat down i immediately started working on attendance, and answering emails and- obviously- writing this. i wish i could just sit down and talk to someone and have them tell me whats wrong with me- what i can do to get my head on right.
in other news, we have our mid-production check-in's/critique tomorrow and i'm really nervous. i feel like what i've got isn't good enough yet to show, and i'm especially embarrassed to be showing my mock up sound design in front of the class with my actual sound designer sitting there and critiquing it. i'm so sorry noah.
i feel like my project is in the weird grey area of technically still conveying what i set out to convey but not quite where i actually wanted to end up. slightly west of east bejesus, if you will. i'm not sure what to do to fix it, or if i should just learn to be okay with what i've got.
my next step is to figure out the shape my final project will end up in, both in terms of the installation as well as the screenings edit. i'd like them to be two different things. who knows if i'll have time to make them that. i set out to start my rough cut on monday, and i'm not going to have time until tomorrow after class.
west of east bejesus indeed.
oh i have a title now too. i'm thinking it's gonna be "create/consume"
"i'm gonna write so many blog posts over break!" i said
"they're gonna be so insightful and help me refine
*my roommates came back as i was writing this, and clearly mario party took precedence over finishing my thoughts*
last night in our roundtable check-ins, mason was talking about how much he struggles with asking people to help him. from there, a discussion arose surrounding the ideas of asking people for their time, and how we often feel bad about it. mario said something along the lines of "people are more willing to help you than you believe" which really struck me.
one of my biggest struggles throughout this whole project has been feeling like i don't want to burden people by asking things of them, even though everyone who was apart of my crew enthusiastically volunteered or agreed to be on the set in the first place. i don't like to take up too much space, or shove off work on people, which has resulted not only in me struggling to ask for help, but also in the fact that i'm shit at delegating work well.
the idea that "people are willing to help you" is something that logically i understand. i love to be on other people's sets, so it makes sense that other people might want to be on mine. however, when it actually comes down to crew, i feel so small in such a humbling way. i feel like asking for crew- and intrinsically asking for help- is being a bother, being a nuisance, and i hate it. it feels almost shameful to have to ask someone to lend me their time and skills, especially for something like my set? something so small? don't be ridiculous.
i just feel like i'm not at a point yet where i can validate asking people who are more skilled or experienced than i am to work under me.
it's technically the 9th now* as i write this, but i wrapped principle photography for my radical about an hour ago! woo!
i don't feel anything really, which i find surprising. i thought this would be some big weight off my shoulders, but it just seems to bring the anxiety of having to actually show my work to people.
it's michael's birthday today. he turned 21 on set. i can't help but feel bad. even though, objectively, i know that people who volunteer to be on my sets are okay with- god forbid- spending time on my set, i'm just sad. i'm not sure why it makes me so bummed. maybe it's just that i told him we'd likely be done by 11, but ended up shooting until midnight: meaning he literally turned 21 while wrapping up. maybe the set kept him from other plans he had, maybe it didn't, i don't know. i gotta get him a gift or something.
i was talking about this "feeling like i'm wasting people's time" thing with sam and colin on set on friday, about my inability to recognize that people give me their time because they want to. it's a weakness i need to work on. i might write up a reflection on my work as director (and also producer, as dan loves to point out), but that is for later and not for now.
*the final scene of my radical was shot on the evening of the 8th, but we officially wrapped at 12:30ish, making it technically the 9th
i got all my issues with the soundstage sorted yesterday, and as such, will be moving forward with shooting tomorrow. one shot, one set up, 9pm. sounds kinda awful, but i'd rather have it all done now than have to wait until April frickin 9th to finish shooting. plus, this way, if i decide i need more or don't like what i've got, i'm able to work around it, because i've got time.
sorry this has kinda become just,,, dumping all my production plans. i don't have time to think about anything beyond scheduling and technicalities right now.
it's my friend's 20th birthday today. i forgot to text her. i need to better my work-life balance.
in related news, i've decided i'm gonna try and wrap shooting on this project before spring break. i'm trying to shoot the haze halo scene wednesday night, after my action film class screening, but there's some kind of a glitch with the reservation system. on wednesday night from 9-12 EMS says that the stage is reserved for dan park. however, dan did not reserve the space then, and also does not have access to the stage then. so, what the fuck. it just can never be easy can it?
anyways, i'm currently making rushes and have already sunk my proxies, so we're doing okay in the beginnings of the post world.
woo first shoot day wrapped! i am still a little bit high from the last scene we filmed, but not so belligerently i can't type, though i imagine it will be more "stream of consciousness" and less actual prose.
i'm really happy with everything we created today. a little bummed i can only smoke half a blunt before i felt like any more would inhibit my abilities to function at least semi-well on set. i'm glad i picked the team i did, even if it wasn't the "magic team" that gets along so well the set seems that much more magical- for lack of a better word. they really did bring something together that i really did like. i was so worried i was gonna be too caught up on my imagined liminal space to appreciate what was happening in front of me.
super thankful for noah and dan for being such awesome department heads.
i spoke it into existence. everything's imploded. my balcony scene location cancelled on me, and every solution i come up with some how snowballs into "the overall theme isn't holding up, my project is falling apart at the seams".
i just want this to be done. i'm so sick of putting in so much work just to have people flake or change plans on me last minute and send everything i've built up cascading down.
a part of me wishes i had just done my second idea, because at least if that one turns out bad, the only one who can be blamed is me. i'm the only one working on that. who else could possibly fuck me over?
i wish i still liked what i was making.
the day of reckoning (the first shoot day) fast approaches. i am deeply stressed about not only this shoot, but everything else going on in my life right now. genuinely feel like i'm at the point that, should something go wrong in my personal life, i might just be better off dropping out and taking the rest of the semester off.
i've noticed throughout my life i have a tendency to just,,, not acknowledge my stress. not in a "wow i'm so stressed, but i'm gonna shove it off into a corner and not think about it right now" way, but in a "literally didn't realize i was stressed until i was breaking into tears about something stupid and small" type of way. i am concerned that is what's happening here.
my roommates car broke down tonight. it makes me feel like such a shitty friend, but i just don't have the emotional availability to be investing myself in situations like this; situations where someone else has something go wrong, and they don't necessarily need assistance, but a good friend would help them figure out what to do. i can't afford to take on every stressor that the people around me experience, but how do i pick and choose which ones to take on? the answer: i don't.
what follows has been transcribed from a camera test i made whilst driving from rochester to westerville.
"ok! just gonna get 35 minutes of footage, or until i can reach over here and figure out where the off button is again. salud.
yeah, i feel like i'm doin' a lot. i'm doing so much, and it's definitely like- none of it is progressing as much as i want it to, um, but simultaneously, i feel like, on their own, they're not enough. which is like, not a great mentality to have because the whole point of this workshop is i have to create one finished film. like that's- and if i'm doing two because one of them inherently feels like it's not enough, then what does that say about the quality or the finish of that film?
is it really finished if i don't consider it enough to count as it's own standalone piece?
i don' know.
the first project that has yet to be named, um, feels... i can't imagine it having a beginning or an end. i feel like it's meant to be a continual experience. there's no peak, there's no climax- it just happens, and it keeps happening, keeps repeating and shit.
like, i dunno. i dunno how to... [get] across that feeling of continuum without just making a 24 hour piece that loops, y'know?
i dunno."
i've realized i've entered all of these as "2022" up until this point. i'm not going to go back and change it.
cam's capstone is officially shot, and i feel a strange sense of simultaneous pride and disappointment- relief and despair. i did good work. i set up environments that played well on camera, fit the overall vibe of the campaign, and stayed under budget. and yet, i still am not happy with it all. i could agonize forever about how things could've gone better, even though logically i know i did really well with what i had.
i was having A Moment on set, very upset with how one of the environment façades had turned out, and i brought malcolm back to see it. he said to me "it's okay. this is the only thing of yours that i haven't been 100% satisfied with." and i hated how, in that moment, all i could focus on was "i didn't do well enough, he isn't satisfied with this one" instead of "the 4 other environments were good enough."
there is something so heartbreaking about watching your work fall short, and knowing it's because you didn't give enough. i could've spent more time working on the façade, i could've started sculpting earlier, or used better materials, or did an actual paint job instead of a single coat. i was so ashamed when it went up. it looked cheap, it looked like an afterthought, and all i could think was that i didn't want my name attached to it- i didn't even want to see it. i didn't stay on the set for the rest of the scene.
that's the despair. it wasn't good enough, and there's nothing i can do about it. i spent a month and a half working solely on fabrication plans and materials research, and yet it still wasn't enough. i still didn't deliver what i promised.
the despair also comes in the aftermath. everyone is sharing photos from set, hyping up their collaborators and the work they did. i don't mean this to sound snotty, because i really am very proud of everyone, but no one has complimented me. i worked so hard for nearly, if not, 2 months, dealing with money, researching potential options, and then researching more to stay under budget, organizing and acquiring all of the materials, setting up and breaking down everything, and no one has acknowledged it. was it not enough? did i miss something? why is nobody talking to me anymore?
i feel like people only keep me around because i'm willing to do all the boring shit no one else will do to make a film look good. why else would they still have me on set, if they don't seem to want to acknowledge me afterwards?
i think it all boils down to is a desire to be told i did a good job.
i feel stifled by inactivity. i have such a heavy load to pull this weekend, but i can't start any of it until home depot opens tomorrow. everything i must do, must wait. so then, i should use this time to be productive elsewhere. but where? i've finished my first draft for writing the short, finished the discussions and quiz for theatrical design, held a table read and a blocking rehearsal for directing, and have time blocked out on monday and wednesday to write my action film analysis. then, that leaves radical. surely, there must be something i can do. right?
i made a to-do list for moving forwards. it is as follows:
meet with noah about sound
meet with kat about art
solidify the remaining scenes
figure out the third monitor
talk with seth about file type workflow
mock-up display prototype
gear reservations
i had a brief meeting with noah at the end of class, and we scheduled a meeting for before i head back to ohio (literally. like, 2 hours before i start driving). kat hasn't answered me yet, but i think she has a class during our shoot time, which actually turns my "talk to kat" note into a "find new art director" note. i have one idea for another scene, but 5 scenes is really what's appealing to my soul. not sure why, but it means i have another scene to brainstorm.
i'm playing with the idea of the third monitor being the credits, because i definitely want to showcase all the people who have helped me throughout this whole process. as i'm typing this, the idea also came to me for the haze halo to be the monitor scene, with minimal to no sound. it's like a trade-off with the viewer: you can watch this channel unobstructed, but you don't get to hear anything.
i'll be able to talk to seth on set saturday, so that's a future me issue. i might be able to use leftover foam from cam's shoot this weekend to mock up the display with my laptop and second monitor. that's a problem for next week me as well.
gear wise, i'm fucked. i think dan's dealing with that. he's such a blessing.
i met with jon knight (my radical professor) two days ago, and the core thing we talked about was "why". why the doors? why are they so important to me? what do they contribute to the overall message of the film?
the most obvious answer, and the surface level one, is that's the "voyeurism" part of the message. the viewer must become the voyeur, peering through a tiny crack to view the content. what makes them so desperate to consume? why are they willing to stoop to that level? intrinsically, because i set it up for them. the artist allows the viewer to invade, allows them to peer, because that is what the artists want. the artist wants to be seen, even if it is a violation. they will allow themselves to be flayed by wandering eyes because at least someone is seeing me.
so then, why a door? why not a window? or a keyhole?
i remember the first time i understood what was happening in Mr. Brightside by the Killers. i was listening, and i had the sudden realization that the singer was watching this couple, and it felt so violating. it's never explicitly stated that's he's looking through a door, but i've always mentally envisioned the singer peering out from the closet and into this moment in this couple's life. the idea that someone would take so much pleasure in watching something deeply intimate. that's who the viewer is. that's what i want to recreate in this piece.
first shoot date locked. department heads locked. script for scripted scenes done. much to do still.
i feel like i've done so much, but it doesn't feel like it'll ever be enough. i don't want to do a poor job managing my first "real" set. i don't know what else to do though.
i've been trying to lock down shooting dates for the past few days, working with my DP to figure out dates that both of us are free that are still within our production period. so far, i've locked in to shooting two of the scenes on March 3rd, and the remainder of my scenes during the first weekend of April. that's technically outside of the production window but i am quite legitimately not able to shoot any other time.
i really only have two scenes figured out in my mind, which is concerning me at this point. i could just leave the two scenes as long takes behind the doors, but that doesn't feel as compelling, nor do i feel i have enough content in those scenes to get across the point i want to share. however, i don't have a strong idea for what the other scenes are adding to the overall piece.
i feel like i'm so used to larger productions (at least on the scale of SOFA) that i have no idea what crew i actually do need. i'm willing to just let dan (my DP) collect whoever he thinks is necessary, because i trust his judgment, and i genuinely don't think i need more than a camera team (DP/1st/2nd), sound team (mix/boom) and like,,, 1 grip and MAYBE an art director. crewing up is hard. i need to solidify my shoot dates. i'm thinking about shooting two of the scenes on the friday of the first weekend of march (march 3rd i believe) and shooting the other 3 on the first weekend of april (unsure on specific dates).
working on cam's capstone is really kicking my ass. i know the rest of the team is meant to help me, but i keep feeling like i have to do it all myself. am i really as good an art director as malcolm praises if i need help to get things done? cam's asking a lot of me, and i just want to prove that i can do it, but i worry i'm burning myself out for my other projects.
my friend kenneth (hello kenneth) shared the site he, too, was obligated to make to track the progress of his film. it was a proper website with horribly existential blog posts, and it's inspired me to do my own sort of log of my own. i don't want to just track the work i'm doing for this film, i want a place to put my thoughts and how (inevitably negatively) the making of this film impacts me. enjoy my downfall.
you can find kenneth's site here, should you also decide to send yourself down a rabbit hole of crises. :)