Matt's on Kijiji

EXAMPLES #1: COUCH / SOFA BED – NEAR NEW – w/ CHAISE and STORAGE - $750 OBO

COUCH / SOFA BED – NEAR NEW – w/ CHAISE and STORAGE – ORIG. $1400, ASK $750 OBO

The Facts: Near New Sofa Bed Couch w/ Chaise and Storage. Grey and in Great Shape. Search IF-9000 Sleeper Sectional for all details or click here (http://bit.ly/2mz8Dm1) to see it in all its glory. Smoke-Free Home (I’d say pet free as well but there is a freaking dog in the picture, so that would be a lie). Dimensions: Width 89 inches, Height 36 inches, Depth 57 inches. Originally $1400, asking $750 OBO.

The Fun:

I did a little internet digging and found some of the best YELP Reviews for this Couch / Sofa Bed / Chaise. Hopefully it will help you in your decision to purchase this local treasure.

April 14, 2016 – 2:33pm

Donald T. – Washington, DC – 3 Friends – 5564 Reviews

***** (5/5)

Great couch. I would say a very, very, very great couch. Maybe the best couch. And I know couches. I have many, many great couches. Nobody knows couches better than me and, trust me, this is a great couch. I’ve had thousands of people ask me about this couch, and you know what I tell them? I tell them – great couch. Great, great couch. Believe me, I know. Believe me.

I tried to buy this couch but the owner wouldn’t sell. Sad. I offered them millions but they wouldn’t budge. Stupid. I mean, I made them an amazing offer. It was very, very amazing. Very generous. I’m very rich. Believe me. I sent in my whole team of negotiators. My team is huge. It’s the biggest team in the world. The very best team in the world. Believe me. But they wouldn’t budge, so I had an exact replica made at one of my many, many factories in China. It was a huge expense, a tremendous expense, but totally worth it.

#GreatCouch #MakeAmericaGreatAgain #BelieveMe

September 21, 2016 – 11:42pm

Lance B. - Ottawa, ON - 64 Friends - 119 Reviews

***** (5/5)

I never thought these words would come streaming out of my fingers but – WHAT A COUCH! I was spending an afternoon with my good friend at her apartment and I just Could. Not. Get. Over. This. Couch. I mean, she invited me in and we sat down for some wine and cheese – BOOM – Great Couch. We decided to throw on a little Netflix and she offered me the chaise – BAM – Comfy Lounger. Things got a little “chill” ( ;) ) – BOOM – It’s a MF’ing Bed! (Don’t worry, she made me wrap the whole couch in plastic before anything happened, and that wasn’t the only thing wrapped – Hey-o!).

But really, could you ask for anything more? Like, is it a Bed? Is it a Chaise? No, it’s SUPER COUCH, coming at’ya like a hero with everything you could ever want for your sitting/lounging/napping needs!

Can I give more than five stars? No? Then it’s a perfect 5/7!

January 3, 2017 – 6:55am

Tina F. – Ottawa, ON – 42 Friends – 13 Reviews

***** (5/5)

Owner is a bit of a nerd but couch is awesome. 5 out of 5 – would sit again.

March 11, 2017 – 11:21am

Megan F. – Toronto, ON – 1046 Friends – 1432 Reviews – ELITE

***** (5/5)

As you all are well aware from my vast number of reviews, I am the foremost Elite Yelper when it comes to couches. When word made it to Toronto, where we take our couches very, very seriously, I knew I would have to make the trek to Ottawa to experience this couch for myself.

When I arrived at the apartment, the hostess was most courteous but I could sense that she was nervous. She welcomed me into her small apartment, took my jacket, and led me to the couch. Right away, upon seeing the couch, I knew I was in for something special.

I’ve only had two couches take my breath away on first sight. The first was at the Vatican and the other was when I was asked to provide my input on the design for first couch to go into space. This couch was my third. I was instantly taken back to my childhood, the grey and inviting couch begging me to sink into its goldilocks zone of softness and firmness. I had to sit on this couch.

As an Elite Couch Yelper, sometimes looks can be deceiving. I’ve seen couches that rate Five Frilly Pillows out of Five on appearance barely rate a single afghan on comfort. I can tell you that this couch, this masterpiece, did not disappoint.

As I melted into the fabric I became lost in a world of Couch Nirvana. I swear that in that moment I realized my passion for couches and purpose for life. This couch wasn’t anything like I had been told – it was so much more.

So with this post, I retire from reviewing couches. I have reached the pinnacle of my profession; everything from this point forward will only pale in comparison to my experience from this evening.

So, with a joyous heart, I give you my final review:

• Appearance – 5/5
• Appeal & Style – 5/5
• Stitching and Construction – 5/5
• Functionality – 5/5
• Comfort – 5/5
• Durability – 5/5
• Personal Appeal – 5/5

It has been a pleasure being your Couch and Seating Guru. I hope that you too one day get to experience this couch; make it your life’s mission.

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So there you go, thoughts from people who have genuinely sat on this couch. Definitely not the exaggerations of the hopefuly seller! Hope that helps in your decision to buy the couch! [b];ifsֿ,3%i

EXAMPLE #2: Patio Set – 2 Chairs, 1 Loveseat, Coffee Table, Umbrella - $179 OBO

Beautiful Patio Set - 2 Chairs, 1 Loveseat, Coffee Table, Umbrella – Light and Sturdy – Never Wintered – Cushions Stored Indoors – Great Condition – Only $179 OBO!

The Facts: Four Piece Patio Set (Loveseat, Two Chairs, Glass Top Coffee Table), includes Matching Umbrella, Sturdy but Light Construction (Aluminum and Wicker), Matching Cushions (Green and White), Two-Years Old, Originally $400 now $179.

The Fun:

(Start Music)

Sometimes with a Patio Set you only get one shot, one opportunity. Will you grab it, or just let it slip…

So the weather is hot but you’re stuck inside,

When you’d so much rather be chilling outside;

But it’s hard to get out and have all that fun,

When you don’t have a place to enjoy that sun;

What do you need and what the heck can you do,

To make your deck awesome and hang with your crew?

How ‘bout a loveseat and a couple of chairs,

Room for a partner, and a few sexy spares.

Chorus:

How can you let this Patio Set go? (P-Money)

It’s a deal, that’s fo’ sho’! (P-Money)

How can you let this Patio Set fly? (P-Money)

It’s a steal, you can’t pass by! (P-Money)

Hey P-Money, you think, that sounds hella-fine;

But where do I put my chips, beer, and wine?

Don’t worry my friend, I won’t leave you hangin’,

There’s a coffee table too, and it’s totally bangin’!

It has a glass top and ballin’ umbrella,

So you can throw shade on all of the fellas.

You can hide from the sun or bask in its glow,

No matter the weather, let the good times roll!

Chorus:

How can you let this Patio Set go? (P-Money)

It’s a deal, that’s fo’ sho’! (P-Money)

How can you let this Patio Set fly? (P-Money)

It’s a steal, you can’t pass by! (P-Money)

What’s the price for this pimpin’ Patio Set,

You NEED to have one but you don’t need that debt;

Well, it’s your lucky day if you’re first in line,

This four-piece set is just One-Seventy-Nine!

You can’t ask for finer and won’t find one better,

Don’t wait around, be the very first bidder!

Jump on this offer before it is the past,

Because in the world of Kijiji… If you’re not first you’re last. (Mic Drop)

Chorus (Repeats and Fades Out):

How can you let this Patio Set go? (P-Money)

It’s a deal, that’s fo’ sho’! (P-Money)

How can you let this Patio Set fly? (P-Money)

It’s a steal, you can’t pass by! (P-Money)

EXAMPLE #3: Leon’s BRIGHTON – COUNTER HEIGHT TABLE w/ LEAF & 4 CHAIRS - $425 OBO

The Facts: Leon’s Brighton Counter height / pub-style table with 4 matching chairs, 32in high, 42in diameter, 60in length w/ leaf, Perfect for 2, 4 or 6 diners, Chairs are padded, Real wood, Sturdy & elegant, Wood colour is “Espresso”, Great condition, Smoke-free home Original $799 – Asking $425 obo. (Leon’s Link: http://bit.ly/2o45A5O)

The Fun:

She’s coming. The Monster-in-Law is coming. Oh, how you hate that witch and her magical ability to judge EVERYTHING! It’s incredible to you that this horrible beasty could have spawned your partner, who is somehow super awesome, but she managed. Perhaps it was part of her plan to get to you all along. It’s obvious she was only put on this earth for the sole purpose of crushing your spirit and ridiculing your best efforts.

Well, now it’s time that you fight back. It’s time for the hunter to become the hunted.

So you’ve begun to arm yourself. This time you’ll catch her by surprise; she won’t even know what hit her. You found a recipe on the internet from “the old country” and you’ve practiced making it until you can prepare the dish in your sleep. It’s the only thing your family has eaten in over a month. They complain but to you they are simply acceptable casualties; the reality of war is that sacrifices must be made.

You cleaned the house from top to bottom, twice. And then you hired a cleaning service and took the day off work to watch them and make sure they cleaned everything again. You had one of the kids’ toy NERF guns strapped to your hip the entire time, just to prove that you were serious about them using that toothbrush to scrub the garage floor.

Everything has a fresh coat of paint. Not just every room but even the outside of the house. Sure the siding below the snowline isn’t painted but you can’t see that yet. She’ll never know, and you can just fix that in the Spring, right? Completely reasonable.

Mr. Fluffers? You told the kids that he had been sent on an “important mission”. Of course we both know that’s not true, unless “important mission” is code for go scratch the sh*t out of someone else’s furniture and cough up hairballs on someone else’s carpets. You never like that cat anyways, so it’s kind of like two birds with one stone. You’ll get the kids a puppy once victory is achieved. Or maybe a fish? Probably a fish.

As a final measure, you’ve relocated the family to a hotel for the weeks leading up to the final engagement. Not a solitary soul has stepped foot in your home in over seven days. There will be no surprises. No pieces of Lego left out like land mines or your partner’s stray dirty socks to act as sabotage to your efforts. You were actually okay with everyone living in Hazmat suits for the week but your partner wouldn’t agree. Marriage is a compromise, so a hotel it was.

Yet still you lie in your hotel room unable to sleep. Your family snores softly but you are wide awake, panicked and sweating. There is one flaw to your battle plan, one loophole to your preparations, one chink in your armour.

The dining room table.

The table is tainted with pen, crayon, marker, and paint. It’s pocked with chips, scrapes, scratches, and dents. It’s covered in rings from coffee mugs and discolorations from Chinese food dishes. It is, in a word, a disaster. On top of that, it’s great for a family of four but add in two guests, well, one guest and one fiend, and it becomes a crowded host to rude children, pointy elbows, and judgemental glares.

Perhaps all of your efforts were for not. The table is the lynchpin that, when pulled, will bring your walls crumbling down around you. She will win. She always wins.

Not so fast! We here at Matt’s on Kijiji have the answer to your prayers. We have your Nuclear Option.

This Brighton Counter Height / Pub-Style Dining Room Table and Chair set with Leaf Extension is the ace in the hole that you need to put the final boots to that Monster-in-Law! When she pulls away the table cloth at the end of the night in attempt to reveal your shame you can watch her face contort with disbelief as she is now staring at your new sturdy, elegant, and stylish dining room table. She should have known from the plush chairs that something was up but we both know that she is a cocky SOB. So now it will be you with the last laugh, as she has to pay you a compliment on the beauty of your new dining room ensemble. Can you imagine – a compliment! She won’t even know what hit her!

While I know the set is priceless to you, marriage is all about compromise, so here is your pitch to your partner: “I’ve done my research. This set originally sold for $798 (+taxes) at Leon’s and they’re only asking $425. It is real wood and the colour is Espresso (Note: the colour name will make it sound even better – use it). It won’t take up too much space in its original state, and can expand easily for guests, so it’s perfect for any space. Plus it comes with four matching chairs. It’s a real deal!”

If your partner says no to that then they never really loved you anyways. Best you find out now. But I’m (pretty) certain they’ll say yes!

So close your eyes and get some sleep. With your new Dining Room Table and Chairs set you got this! That witch won’t even see it coming. We got your back!

Or, should you either not have your mother-in-law or somehow you actually like yours, this table set is really, um, nice. This counter-height table boasts an appealing round shape, rich espresso finish and a pedestal base with moulded accents. Durably constructed of rubberwood and veneers, this set offers a convenient 18-inch leaf for extra seating or serving space. Mission-like chairs are softly upholstered to accommodate your guests comfortably and stylishly. Yeah, that’s it. Don’t mind that mother-in-law stuff…