WHAT'S a love map?

John Gottman has found that relationships are strengthened when couples have a well developed “Love Map” of their beloved. Gottman defines Love Maps as the knowledge we have about our partner. It is a guide to your partner’s inner landscape, and developing one means getting to know your partner better. 

To start building your own Love Maps, choose one of the following categories, or identify another area in which you want to have a deeper understanding, and set aside uninterrupted dialogue time to explore questions about that category. Take turns asking the questions and truly listening to understand. Reflective listening is great practice to support deep listening. Follow up with curiosity to learn more, for example, asking “What was that like for you?” or “What feelings come up when you think about that?”

Deep Maps

• When you were younger, what did you want to do when you grew up?

  • Did you ever do that? Why or why not?

• How did you end up doing what you do now?

  • Does it satisfy you?

  • If not, what would you want to do now if you could do anything?

• What would you say is your dream life?

• If money wasn’t an obstacle, what would you do?

  • Is there any way you could do that given the resources we have now?

• How would you like to be remembered?

  • Do you care about leaving a mark on this world?

  • What would you want people to say about you at a memorial service?

Current Maps

• What are you busy with these days?

• What worries you these days?

• What excites you or brings you joy on a regular basis?

• What is the best thing that happened to you in the last week?

• What do you look forward to the most in your daily life?

• What are you looking forward to the most in the upcoming month

• What is your favorite way to spend this evening?

Other People in your Partner’s Life

• Who are your favorite or least favorite colleagues?

  • What do you appreciate most and least in your colleagues? 

• Who are your closest friends?

  • How are your friends doing?

  • What’s your relationship like with your friends now?

  • Has anything happened to your friend?

• How would you describe your current relationship with your family?

  • When did you last speak to your family

  • What did you say?

  • What would you like to say?

  • Who do you look forward the most to seeing?

Personal Preferences

• What is the best way to soothe you?

• What dish do you look forward to the most?

• What is your favorite sexual position?

• How do you usually orgasm?

• What is your favorite holiday? Why?

• If you could go anywhere, where would you go right now? Why?

• What is the next book you would like to read?

• What sport do you most enjoy, and what is your favorite team?

• What is your most secret ambition that you would never tell anyone?

• What is something important to you that you have never told anyone?