In The All-or-Nothing Marriage, psychologist Eli Finkel traces how the institution of marriage has evolved from one based on survival and security to one centered on personal fulfillment and self-actualization. He argues that modern marriages are both the most demanding and potentially the most rewarding relationships in history.

Finkel flips Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to examine marriage through the lens of couples. Today, most partners no longer rely on each other for basic survival or safety. Instead, they look to marriage as a pathway toward higher meaning — a vehicle for realizing their full potential. This pursuit of self-actualization within a relationship, Finkel suggests, is deeply rewarding but also fragile.

" Andrew and I read this book before discovering Friends Couple Enrichment (FCE), and we continue to carry a physical copy into every in-person workshop we lead. "

Drawing from data collected in relationship laboratories and large-scale statistical analysis of western couples, Finkel weaves psychological insight with cultural analysis. He explores how factors such as age, memory bias, income inequality, and even market dynamics shape marriage longevity. In doing so, he gives quantitative grounding to the emotional realities many of us observe firsthand.

Andrew and I read this book before discovering Friends Couple Enrichment (FCE), and we continue to carry a physical copy into every in-person workshop we lead. For me, it helped clarify the intense expectations we place on our partners and offered a framework for balancing societal norms with individual needs. Our relationship has often involved distance due to work, and while society often suggests such arrangements should be temporary, we’ve learned to embrace them. By supporting each other’s professional fulfillment and finding meaningful ways to connect despite physical separation, we’ve built a relationship that reflects Finkel’s idea of mutual self-actualization.

Finkel compares high-functioning marriages to mountain climbing — deeply fulfilling but effortful and unsustainable at all times. His suggested strategies include “Going All In” (embracing vulnerability), “Recalibrating” (appreciating the partner you have rather than an idealized version), and “Love Hacks” (small cognitive and behavioral shifts that improve connection).

"Want to learn more, but not sure if you want to read a whole book? You can find an interview of Eli Finkel in the podcast Hidden Brain"
(https://www.hiddenbrain.org/podcast/reimaginingourrelationships/)

Reading the book again through the lens of FCE, I now see clear parallels. Finkel describes techniques that complement FCE practices, such as reframing inner dialogue (“My partner was late because they’re a jerk” → “My partner was late because they were stuck in traffic”) or journaling about conflict from a neutral third-person perspective. Both encourage empathy, gratitude, and a shift toward assuming best intent — habits that strengthen trust and resilience.

The book also includes a wealth of evidence-based exercises easily adaptable for couples workshops or personal practice, such as:

• Mitigating insecurities

• Adopting a growth mindset

• Savoring strengths

• Cultivating gratitude

• Practicing affectionate touch

By nurturing a self-expressive marriage, couples can enhance communication, playfulness, and intimacy. Yet Finkel wisely cautions against rushing the process — relationships thrive through gradual, deliberate “slow cooking,” much like FCE’s philosophy of ‘seeking a healthy stretch’.

Want to learn more, but not sure if you want to read a whole book? You can find an interview of Eli Finkel in the podcast "Hidden Brain" here: https://www.hiddenbrain.org/podcast/reimaginingourrelationships/

I can also suggest the audio version of the book where Eli reads it himself. Sometime authors really shouldn’t read their own book-but Eli does a great job.