To say that parenting during the pandemic is "hard" would be an major understatement. Together we hope to be "thought partners" in supporting each other through our shared experiences.  Below you will find Ethical Culture's Guidance Bulletins from Dr. Andrea Udoff and Ms. Margot Tenenbaum (2020) containing tips on juggling parenting during the pandemic and Dr. Simira Freeman answers some frequently asked questions from Fieldston Lower's monthly Coffee with the Psychologist (2020) parent support sessions including answers to the following:  

1.   How should I talk to my child about school and related occurrences this year?

2.   Behavior Changes: Are they normal?

3.   Are children experiencing any regression because of the pandemic?

4.   How do I manage being understanding of my child's frustration, outbursts, tantrums or even a complete melt-downs and also maintain healthy boundaries?

5.   My child's temperament or feelings seem to be different than before; they don't seem themselves? 

6.   I feel guilty when working from home and I can't give my child the attention they need or are requesting. How do I balance the two?

7.   I have a blend of feelings: both feeling grateful for various things in my life, but also like I am on autopilot or out of body, like  this isn't real.  I am disappointed, anxious and frustrated by this all. It is normal?

8.   When should I seek help for myself or my child?

Talking about School:

How should I talk to my child about school and related occurrences this year?

School and all things related to it are far less predictable this year than ever before. Whether school will be in person or remote, the number of days a week students will participate, the physical location of their classes or even which of their classmates may be participating throughout the school year, may include little shifts for all children across the nation. However, we can help children prepare to be flexible by previewing any changes they can anticipate, discussing in advance the possibility of these changes at the outset, and letting them know which things in their daily lives will more than likely be the same. For example, "You will have the same teachers this year, but you may see them on the computer or in person" or "You will have some form of school all year, but where you have your classes may change sometimes. Sometimes your class will take place inside, but your teacher may take you outdoors for class time too". Talking with your child about the ways in which school might look differently this year will help to encourage flexibility around expectations and create room for answering any questions about what to expect when things do change.  

Behavior Changes: Are they normal?

The short answer is: Yes.  A recent study conducted by Harvard researchers found many commonalities in emotional and behavioral responses in children and adults during the covid-19 pandemic. It is completely “normal” to expect some behavioral or emotional changes as you and your children adjust to different circumstances caused by the pandemic. The most frequently reported behavioral changes observed by parents include misbehavior, sadness, anxiety, missing friends, and just not being as "into school" as they may have been prior. While this will differ for each child, each family circumstance and across age groups, this is a common response. It is important to be mindful of some of the additional stressors that our children may be experiencing and be sensitive to and understanding of these changes. Adolescents and multi-children families were associated with higher stress levels, so it is important to be mindful of your family structure as it may influence your stress levels. Nevertheless, being both attentive and forgiving of your own parental levels of emotional stress will help you as you respond to your children in managing their own.

Talking about behavior: 

Are children experiencing any regression because of the pandemic?

Some children may display behaviors that are suggestive of regression,  like behaving younger than their age or insisting on more reassurance or dependence on caregivers during this time than normal. Some of these behaviors, may be rooted in a need to seek comfort and stability which can be commonly sought by children by asking for additional adult support. In these instances, while it is important to be attentive to and help your child identify any feelings that may be at the root of these behaviors, it will also be important to continue to encourage and support their independence. In short, if your little one was fully able to complete certain tasks on their own, (e.g. dressing, toileting, grooming, bed-time routines etc.) while you should in good faith acknowledge moments when their emotional reserves are low and be flexible, you can also encourage them to continue to do routine acts independently abet with your emotional support and understanding. For example, for a little one who is finding it harder to stay in their own bed or having a tough time after being tucked in, instead of staying in their room or bed with them until they are soothed to sleep or coming to comfort each time they arrive at your room, help them talk through what they are feeling when they came to look for you. Try comforting them and walking them back to their bed and while there help them use a strategy to calm themselves, with you being near by for a time. The idea would be to encourage and support them while gradually reducing their reliance on you as their only source of comfort or ease. 

Finding ways to acknowledge the need for comfort and helping children identify ways to help soothe themselves can be a great way to help to give them both the emotional attention they need. Yet, at the same time, it can help to encourage them to continue to meet the needs you know they can manage on their own with support. Children are resilient and have shown themselves to be able to make adjustments as they cope with everything that is happening. Often interventions like making certain shifts at home can help parents support their children and reduce some of the more challenging behaviors that are stressful for parent and child alike. Nevertheless, when in doubt or if challenges at home are escalating, don’t hesitate to seek support from a licensed mental health professional or members of the health and wellness team.  This is hard work and everyone can use support. 

How do I manage being understanding of my child's frustration, outbursts, tantrums or even a complete melt-down and also maintain healthy boundaries?

Being understanding and being permissive are often two different things. Helping children understand, identify and express their emotions is a great opportunity to help children also understand your behavioral expectations and healthy ways to express their feelings. In most situations tantrums can be met with both understanding, “I can see how upset you are, “ as well as with boundaries, “but when you are yelling and screaming that is not ok. It is hard for me to understand how to help you or hear what you are trying to say. Let’s calm down first, then we can talk about what is bothering you and how I can help once you do.” 

When tempers are flaring, it is ok to have consequences for behaviors that are more extreme, intense or outside of the realm of what you know to be within your child's control and your behavioral expectations. Regularly giving into demands during tantrums or at the peak of behavioral outbursts can put you on a fast track to seeing increases in those behaviors. This can be a hard ride to get on to. Having firm boundaries and clear expectations that are consistently communicated among all primary caretakers is an important and necessary part of positive parenting.  This helps your child understand and adjust to more appropriate and positive ways to manage more intense emotions in ways that are consistent with what works for your family. It will also help to reduce mixed or inconsistent messaging on what your expectations are regarding behavior.

Taking this approach can be a good opportunity to help your child think of practical ways to self-sooth, calm down and feel better when they are distressed. The first step is careful listening and partnering with your child to help them make sense of their feelings and identify their emotions. This can serve as a great tool for helping to empower them in future moments when they are feeling distressed. For example, “When you are feeling angry, what can do you do that you like that helps you calm down? These are some things that we can try when you are feeling like this.”  It is important to be sure that children are feeling heard and that their feelings are validated, even when they haven’t picked the best way to express them. However, it is also important for children to know that we can make a choice about how we express our emotions and show them to others. 

My child's temperament or feelings seem to be different than before; they don't seem themselves? 

For many children who are under visible or even less obvious emotional distress who are exhibiting signs of regressive behaviors, a combination of support and boundaries is helpful.  While it is always important to be responsive and attentive to the emotional needs of your child, it is also important to make sure that you are continuing to encourage them to exhibit and engage in the behaviors that you know they are capable of to help reduce the intensity of a full regression in behavior. Toileting, dressing, feeding, grooming and other areas of daily living and self-help skills are examples of behaviors that we want to continue to require developmentally appropriate independence with. In short, if you know they can manage it, let them know you expect that they can continue to even if they need a little encouragement time to time.

At the same time, adults will want to be aware of sudden or gradual increases in anger, sadness, frustration or anxiety that may be brought or triggered by children's environments.  Many things around children during the course of their day may be small reminders of things that they don’t have control over at this time and may result in what appears to be a sudden change in mood or emotions. For example, visiting a familiar outdoor location may feel very different when its empty and trigger different emotions when you visit during the pandemic. Experiencing formerly heavily populated areas as empty public spaces, wearing masks in places they have been to formerly without them, setting new limits for their birthday celebration to maintain social distancing, or learning that a friend is quarantining could all be examples of unexpected emotional reminders of the stress of the pandemic. Behaviorally these feelings may show up as push back or frustration in other places even when your child may have taken these kinds of things in stride before. Remember to be patient with yourself and your child in these moments. Being mindful of changes in your child’s emotional disposition and how long changes in mood are lingering can help you determine when you may want to reach out for additional support.  

Working while parenting:

I feel guilty when working from home and I can't give my child the attention they need or are requesting. How do I balance the two? 

Parenting during the pandemic has brought new meaning to multitasking and juggling. However, coming up with systems may be able to help you manage when work and kids are colliding. For example, talking with you child about what they can expect from you during your working hours, how they can access you, when and what the signal will be when you need them to be patient with you, can help you both be proactively ready to get the day started. One such method is a red-yellow-green light strategy. Red could mean that, "Mommy or daddy ( or fill in adult) may need you to wait until I can talk or come help". Yellow could mean "You might be able to come in, but need to wait or check first" and green could mean, "I am not busy and ready to help or talk right right now!". 

Also talking with children in advance about what they can do if they can’t or don’t have adult assistance at the moment, can be helpful. For example, “I don’t have that paper (print out/color/etc.) right now, what can I do instead while I wait?” The color system can be placed some where easily visible (e.g. a wall, door), so that parents can reference it or use it as a non-verbal communication system. It will be important to note to your child, which moments do warrant adult intervention (e.g. emergency) and alternatively when you would like for them to use a strategy that you have discussed until someone is able to help them. To keep tempers and frustrations at bay, this kind of system can be helpful to have in place when the unexpected tensions of the day arise. 

Below is a great article about keeping a level head during the pandemic:  Managing Anger and Frustration from The Child Mind Institute

Self-Care and Wellness:

Feeling guilty about taking “me” time to recharge? 

As a recent Harvard study found, during this pandemic, the emotional well-being of children is significantly related to that of their parents (Fitzpatrick, Carson, & Weisz, 2020)

What this translates into is self-care is an essential part of maintaining the wellness required to properly care of your children during this time. Guiltless time to take care of yourself, do simple things that bring you joy and keep you healthy is an important piece of building and maintaining your resilience and that of your child’s or children. No one can no pour from an empty cup, so filling yours from time to time is a necessary part of the process.  Some strategies include staying present in your near future, connected to those socially who bring you joy and engaging in an activity that feels emotionally and physically good, can be solid ways to recharge. If you or someone you know is having a hard time or trouble finding balance, don’t hesitate to seek the support of a licensed mental health professional. 

Here is a link to a self-care check list for ideas on how to get started on your self-care plan and more self-care tips from the Child Mind Institute can be found on their website. 

I have a blend of feelings: both feeling grateful for various things in my life, but also like I am on autopilot or out of body, like  this isn't real.  I am disappointed, anxious and frustrated all at once. It is normal?

Many parent and children alike report a blend of simultaneous feelings in response to the pandemic and how it has influenced their current day to day.  Feelings of both gratefulness, fatigue, loss frustration and sometimes disbelief for example frequently co-exist together. One way to support feelings of being disconnected is to be intentional about tending to the social connections you have available to you. Finding social  support in those around you can be a helpful way to gain perspective and comfort through shared experience and normalize some of what you may be experiencing.  Another possible strategy is focusing on near and present events, experiences and occurrences in your every day life that are enjoyable moments or ones you feel positively about.  Staying in the present moment may help to redirect worries about questions that we may not yet have the answers to and give less fuel to feelings of anxiety. 

When should I seek help for myself or my child?

Many families need what is considered social-emotional first aid at this time. Many of us at some point during this pandemic have all  experienced some form of grief, loss, sadness, anxiety, and frustration.  If you find that you or your child is experiencing significant changes in levels of sadness, withdrawal,  eating, sleeping habits, self-care or anxiety that are negatively impacting you, please contact your local licensed mental health provider or a member of your child's health and wellness team for consultation and support. 

Ethical Culture 2020 Guidance Bulletins: