Group Work:
Connor Daemicke, Avery Bonk, Sabrina Zapasnikas, Abby Streff,
Jack Derbis, Claire Roach, Lauren Pierret, Max Schooley
Cunningham ELA
Period 3&4
Expository Essay Mistakes and Solutions
Expository Mistakes that need to be corrected:
How to Fix Your Mistakes and make your papers better:
1. Citations are way too long
Only put key ideas in your citation to shorten the quote, so it's not too long. Your citation should not be longer than your thesis and topic.
2. Saying the same thing as the quote
Rephrase your reason/topic. Change your words so it's not the same as your quote or change your reasoning/topic. Whatever is less detailed change it. (reason or quote)
3. Switching the order of the topic and thesis.
Change your words so that you are only giving them 1 reason. Remember what are you explaining= thesis and you're one reason=topic
4. Don’t tell the reader what they will be reading. Stop telling me what you are going to tell me and just say it.
Just get right into your paragraph without already stating what you're going to say, such as: “Today I’m going to be telling you about my trip to Chicago.” Get rid of that and just get right into your paper. YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY, JUST TELL ME!.
5. Don't reference things that you will not be talking about (AKA the “many more” rule)
For this rule don't let your reader think about anything else other than your topic. Keep them focused on your paper and what you’re saying. Don’t let the reader’s mind wander. KEEP THEM FOCUSED ON YOUR PAPER!
6. The attention getter- the implied you
DO NOT USE YOU! There are better ways
Make sure that your attention getter isn’t boring and lazily` written. You need to really grab your reader’s attention by actually putting a lot of thought and detail into it, not just one sentence. You can put in a fun fact or statistic to grab the reader's attention.
7. Using personal pronouns (I, you, we, us, my, your, me)
DON’T PUT PERSONAL PRONOUNS IN YOUR PAPER. Instead replace the personal pronoun by changing the sentence so it doesn’t have I, you, we, etc. Personal pronouns take away from your topic and should be avoided especially in an expository essay.
8. Citations with no page number (like for websites)
When you go on a website and there are no page numbers, in your essay you DO NOT put a random page number in your citation. In a citation you have to put the author and the page number, but not when the website has no page numbers. Instead, just put the author down in your citation.
9. Parenthesis/ Interrupter Comma
If you have extra information that you wish to add into your paper, don’t use parenthesis to do so, but use commas.
______________________________________________________________
Example - Citation too Long
Explanation:
This example shows a bad paragraph because the citation is longer than topic and thesis and reason sentences combined. The person who said the quote is taking over the paper and it becomes theirs versus your own paper.
Rising ocean temperatures are causing more hurricanes to form, and causing more damage to the Caribbean. Warm, moist air cause hurricanes to form. With global warming and other factors heating the ocean, it’s causing warm air to rise off of the ocean surface and create hurricanes more frequently. As stated by NASA, “Tropical cyclones are like giant engines that use warm, moist air as fuel. That is why they form only over warm ocean waters near the equator. The warm, moist air over the ocean rises upward from near the surface. Because this air moves up and away from the surface, there is less air left near the surface. As the warm air continues to rise, the surrounding moves in, to take the place of the warm air and starts swirling while doing so. As the warmed, moist air rises and cools off, the water in the air forms clouds. The whole system of clouds and wind spins and grows, fed by the ocean's heat and water evaporating from the surface”(1). The increasingly warm water in the Caribbean allows for hurricanes to form more North, as seen with Irma and Harvey.
A correct citation has the combination of the topic and thesis sentence longer than the citation.
The structure of a hurricane is supported by warm water. Hurricanes form with warm water that rises from the ocean. According to NASA “As the warm air continues to rise, the surrounding air swirls in to take its place. As the warmed, moist air rises and cools off, the water in the air forms clouds.” All of the clouds as they form start to cycle faster and faster mixing with the air and water to create a massive tropical storm. In conclusion, warm water plays a big role in the structure of a hurricane.
Explanations for Fixing the paper:
To fix this mistake you need to take back control over your paper and shorten the citation by putting some of it into your own words for your reason. Double-check that it isn’t longer than the topic and thesis sentences combined. If the citation is longer, consider deleting a few sentences that are less important until the topic and thesis sentences are longer.
______________________________________________________________
Example - Saying the same thing as the quote
Explanation:
In this example the reader is restating exactly what the quote says, which makes the paper less interesting and boring.
Playing violent video games can affect the brain in negative ways such as memory loss, and attention span loss. As stated, “Playing violent video games excessively can have several negative effects on the brain, including but not limited to, attention span loss, and memory loss.” As you can see, playing violent video games affects the brain negatively.
Corrected example from above:
Playing violent video games can affect the brain in negative ways such as memory loss, and attention span loss. As stated, “According to a recent study, playing violent video games can affect yourself and your brain negative ways.” As you can see, playing violent video games affects the brain negatively.
Explanation - Saying the same thing as the quote
Saying the same thing as the quote is repetitive.. You want the quote to support your topic not repeat it. Consider finding a different view on the quote that uses different wording or information.
______________________________________________________________
Example - Switching the order of the topic and thesis
Key: Topic Sentence
Thesis
Incorrect: The camel is an intriguing kind of animal, unlike anything that lives in North America. Camels have many adaptations that help them to live in the desert. Because of these features, many people use camels to get around the desert safely. The Camel is an animal that eats plants and lives in the desert. They are mammals and mainly survive by eating plants and other vegetation.
Correct: The camel is an intriguing kind of animal, unlike anything that lives in North America. The camel is an animal that eats plants and lives in the desert. They are mammals and mainly survive by eating plants and vegetation. Camels have many adaptations that help them to live in the desert. Because of these features, many people use camels to get through the desert safely.
Explain- Switching the order of the topic and thesis
Experienced readers get confused when topic and thesis sentences are switched. When readers are confused they are a lot more likely to put down your paper. It also makes your paper, and you, sound less educated.
______________________________________________________________
Example- Telling the reader what they will be reading
Explanation: The writer here is already letting you know what they will be talking about, making the writing less interesting.
Bad Example:
“I will be telling you about Halloween and how it started.” Halloween is a holiday in October to dress up and go trick or treating. Halloween started by…………………..
Corrected Example:
“Halloween has a very interesting history and has evolved throughout the ages.” Halloween is a holiday in October to dress up and go trick or treating. Halloween started by…………………..
Explain - Telling the Reader What They Will be Reading
As you can see, this is more concise and straight to the point. Not telling you as the reader on what you will be talking about. Telling the reader what you will be reading makes you sound like you’re in Elementary school. Set yourself up to present your point, don’t say, “I will be telling you about Halloween and how it started.” Be sure to go straight to the point and don’t contradict yourself.
______________________________________________________________
Example- Don’t Reference Things You Won’t Talk About.
Bad:
“The ISS is fascinating because it features some of the world’s best technology and for a lot more reasons!”
Good:
“The ISS if fascinating because it features the world’s best technology!”
As you can see, the reader is not left wondering what else could be the world’s best technology, as seen above.
Explain - Don’t Reference Things You Won’t Talk About.
By referencing things that you won’t talk about in your essay, you’re widening the reader's thought. You don’t want to widen the reader’s thoughts outside your paper, you always want them to be completely focused on your essay.
______________________________________________________________
Example - The Implied You (The Attention Getter)
Bad Example:
Example 1: Going to Mars sounds fun, right? Elon Musk promises that he can get people there.
Example 2: Imagine the warm, soft sand, the majestic, deep blue ocean, and the soothing feeling of the sun giving a nice tan.
Good Example::
Example 1: Mars is a distant planet that scientists have been discovering life forms and ways to get astronauts there.. Elon Musk promises that he can get people there.
Example 2: The Ocean’s deep blue, warm waters, with soft sand are a great way to start off a summer vacation. The sun’s heat is a tan waiting to happen.
Explain - The Implied You (The Attention Getter)
By elaborating on your first sentence you’re getting the reader’s attention. You are really getting them into your paper and making them interested, not just one sentence implying that you are going to talk about cars. If you actually put thought and detail into it, it’ll really get their attention and they’ll be more “in tune” to the essay.
______________________________________________________________
Example - Using Personal Pronouns
Bad Example:
Many people around you may be suffering from Chronic Lyme Disease, and you might not know it because of the lack of publicity. You could be an extra voice that brings awareness to the subject, and you could help thousands upon thousands of people who need help and aren’t getting it.
Good Example: :
Many people around the world may be suffering from Chronic Lyme disease. Others around them may not know because of the lack of publicity. It only takes one extra voice towards the subject to help thousands of thousands of people who need help and aren’t getting it.
Explain - Using Personal Pronouns
Expository essays aren’t supposed to have personal pronouns, the point of them is to explain their topic to the reader. Using a personal pronoun in a sentence makes it hard not to use one for the rest because the sentence seems awkward and unprofessional.
______________________________________________________________
Example - Citations with No Page Number (Like for WEBSITES)
Bad Example: Jen Brown, Professor at the University of Missouri, stated in her essay, “ New helmet design has reduced impact by 45%” (4)
Good Example: Jen Brown, Professor at the University of Missouri, stated in her essay, “ New helmet design has reduced impact by 45%”.
Explain - Citations with No Page Number (Like for Websites)
Due to the fact that more and more websites are becoming just infinite scroll without page numbers, when you’re citing information from websites, don’t make up a page number, just don’t add anything at all.
______________________________________________________________
Example - Parenthesis / Interrupter Comma
Bad Example:
Ben Platt (the lead in Dear Evan Hansen) has to go to occupational therapy just so he won’t adopt the feelings of his character.
Good Example:
Ben Platt, the lead in Dear Evan Hansen, has to go to occupational therapy just so he won’t adopt the feelings of his character.
Explain - Parenthesis / Interrupter Comma
Often times, when people name someone or something, they will say the name and then list more information after it in parenthesis about the person or thing. This comes with a really easy fix - just delete the parenthesis and put commas in their places.
_______________________________________________________________