By: Joe Vinci
Editor
After being stuck inside for weeks, the question on everyone's mind is when will quarantine end? Well Poppa Joe is once again here with all the answers. There is not one, but three possible ways this will turn out and none of them are very pretty. The first is a 1984 type oppressive monarchy with thought police and burning books. The second is a full fledged apocalypse with aliens, mutants, radiation, and of course corona zombies. The third and my personal favorite outcome, is an uprising of the people and the establishment of a new American infrastructure.
With us being locked indoors, there is a chance of a distinct fascist uprising. Picture this: a world ruled by money and not morals. Where religious centers are shut down. Where private businesses, the source of economic freedom, are closed down despite protests from their owners. Now open your eyes. What!?!? That is the world we are living in? That can’t be. BUT IT IS!
The initial reaction is to ask how this happened. That could be answered with several long pages and exceeding 5000 words. Everything from the Revolutionary War to why there is a Starbucks on every corner would have to be covered and analyzed to explain how we got ourselves in such a dire situation. That, however, is a lot of writing for me and a lot of reading for you, neither of which sound very appealing. So, rather than use a standard journalistic approach I will use the standard Joe Vinci approach.
That is, I will tell a wild and convoluted tale that is everything but boring or standard.
In the midst of our nation being so divided a new power has risen. That power has come to call itself Bigger Brother. As quarantine continues, Bigger Brother begins his reign of terror.
Education? Shut down all the schools. Free market? Shut down as many businesses as you can. Community? Instill fear and push the people to turn on one other. Pit neighbor against neighbor in suspicion of one other.
As Quarantine continues and ultimately goes away, we will awake to a new world ruled by Bigger Brother. Any outcry against this will be swiftly silenced by the fist of power. Any question of Bigger Brother’s divinity or ultimate power will be punishable by death. History will be rewritten with Bigger Brother inventing the light bulb, and with Bigger Brother being Luke’s Father (Darth-er Brother). It will be a tyrannical monarchy in which individuals are of little to no value. As awesome and probable as this is, there is only a 25 percent chance of this actually occurring.
It is twice as likely for Covid-19 to morph into a zombie virus and quarantine turn into an indefinite depression of civilization. We are all aware that viruses evolve and change. There are many different strains of Coronavirus, but Covid-19 is just a particularly dangerous strain. So just as Coronavirus has become Covid-19, Covid-19 will become the zombie virus.
It is often debated among scholars in the scientific community about how a zombie virus would affect a person. Why does it bring the dead to life and how come they are so darn mean? There are many different answers to that question, but the short version is that it does not matter. In surviving a zombie invasion, all that matters is survival.
As people become more and more vicious, the basic societal structure will break down. I am talking about brother turning against brother, father against son. No one will be trusted and nowhere will be safe. In short, the apocalypse outcome will be absolutely lit.
The final possible outcome, and my personal favorite, is a rebel uprising within the United States. As it was written in the Declaration of Independence by our founding fathers in reference to Britain's oppression, “That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government.” I would say that the closing down of private businesses and the falsification of a pandemic are definitely destructive and means for a revolt.
Armed only with our wits and sub machine guns, the American people will unite and storm Washington D.C. From there, we will go about the establishment of a new government. How will we choose a new leader? The man who led the revolt would be the obvious choice, and that man will be me. Yes, the great Joe Vinci will become the leader of the United States of America.
Although Coronacation will most likely end without any of this happening, the chances are not zero. Being locked up in quarantine has left us with very much free time to reflect and write wacky stories like this one. A great way to pass the time is writing, and through the Laconian you can get your work published. Students and staff alike are encouraged to write any story on any subject you like, within reason, and we at the Laconian will do our best to get it published.