Problematic Christmas Songs

With people beginning to integrate Christmas music into their everyday playlists, Sean Glover, or as we like to call him, the Scrooge of The Scroll, highlights the festive songs with the most underlying issues attached to them.

The most "wonderful" time of the year

by Sean Glover

If there is one undeniable fact that is probably false, it’s that there are more Christmas songs than stars in the sky. Every single artist on Planet Earth seems to want to make their own Christmas song, or pull a Michael Bublé and just make albums where the songs are exactly the same, but you just give it a little jazz to hold people over. But for some no-good reason, I always hear the same twenty songs on shuffle when I’m feeling the holiday mood and want to play some tunes on my illegal music playing app. (What? Do you think I’m going to pay twenty dollars to listen to my music on Spotify?) Seriously, I love holiday music, but I don’t want to hear Rudolph play every fifteen minutes by some different artist who I literally only associate Christmas music with. Example? Burl Ives. Some of these songs, however, make me question what draws the line when it comes to a PG Christmas song and something beyond a regular adult’s comprehension. There are plenty of Christmas songs that have problematic lyrics that have gone unnoticed for WAY too long, and I’m going to shine some light on them on this silent night.

Santa baby

To start things off, we have Santa Baby. I will never be able to get over the fact that people hear a song romanticizing ole’ holly, jolly Saint Nicholas in some weird, sugar-daddy kind of way and think it’s just swell. Obviously, the lyrics imply that it’s not Santa Claus we're talking about, but what kind of crime did that big fat man commit to warrant him being used as an analogy for some rich boyfriend that some random woman wants to see on Christmas Eve? Poor guy. Not only does she tear Santa’s name to shreds in this song by adding “baby” after it, but then she starts calling him things like “honey,” and “cutie,” which is arguably even WORSE. Then she starts whispering in the end? I feel violated just listening to it! Overall, I think we can all agree that no Christmas song should have the word “baby” in it unless we’re talking about “Baby Jesus.” But in the context of this song, I wouldn’t like to see where that ends up.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

When I was looking for a list, Santa Claus is Coming To Town obviously had to be on there. Even as a kid, you found this one at least somewhat terrifying-- “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” He WHAT NOW? Not only does this man collect letters and force his elf army to create what he wishes out of nothing, but he also has us on constant surveillance to survey whether we even deserve the gift we asked him in the first place. What kind of sick trick is this?! I feel like I’m just a Sims character now! Sorry Michael Bublé, I love your voice, but even you can’t sing “You better watch out, you better not cry” without me being concerned about what will happen to me if I don’t.

RUdolph the red-nosed reindeer

Okay, this one I have to give this one the benefit of the doubt, because the movie is amazing and the message it conveys is actually supposed to be really sweet. “Be yourself-- don’t let others change who you really are!” Sorry Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but the message of your song has some inconsistencies that make me wonder what kind of corrupt social construct led you to leading Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve. “Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee” after Santa, the all-powerful surveillance god, as we saw in Santa Claus is Coming To Town, tells him how great he is and how he wants him to guide his sleigh. Let me get this right: the other reindeer bullied him for being different, and then when they realized how he was useful and would go down in history, they suddenly loved him? What kind of twisted message is that? “Be a useful function to society, and people will love you and stop bullying you.” Thanks, Gene Autry, that really makes me feel better.

I saw mommy kissing santa claus

And how I could I miss I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus-- this one just raises way too many questions. First off, what in the holly jolly Christmas is Santa doing? He obviously has plenty of more houses to get to on Christmas Eve, and he stops for one moment to kiss some random lady who happened to be awake when his curvaceous figure dropped down the chimney in the darkness of the night? Does he do this to every desperate mom who has a failed marriage and a need for a man who enjoys their homemade cookies? More importantly, poor Mrs. Claus-- who has no idea of the affairs he is getting himself into, because this is probably one of the only nights he gets out of the house. As a child, I just accepted the fact that Santa Claus was supposed to be the kid’s father who was dressed up like Santa-- but the child in the song seems to be way too chipper to be singing about his mom’s scandal. And how are you supposed to know when you’re a kid? When you ask your parents, they have no choice to tell you that it’s Santa, or they would be blatantly admitting that the big, fat man with the long, white beard is just a figment of your imagination.

Baby, it's cold outside

Baby, It’s Cold Outside needs no further explanation regarding its placement as one of the most controversial and problematic Christmas song to ever exist-- before OR after the common era. I am not even sure if this should even count as a Christmas song, because Christmas time is literally never mentioned. There isn’t even a message in the song, it is just a story of some guy keeping this woman inside his house by getting her tipsy and guilt-tripping her into caring about his feelings. Baby, it’s cold outside?! Baby, it’s hot INSIDE! I couldn't care less whether I freeze my fingertips off, walking five miles home as the harsh snow pelts my face, as long as I don’t have to spend another minute listening to you sing, “Gosh, your lips look delicious,” and THEN proceeding to say, “Gosh, your lips are delicious!” Her lips WHAT NOW?! I think we can all agree that it’s already creepy enough that this guy is verbally attempting to get her to stay, but then he takes the next step and KISSES HER?! I’m not even lying-- I don’t think the lady even called him “baby” once throughout the song. She even says “no” four times, and he STILL proceeds to move in closer to her. Be careful what random guy you end up with on the holiday, people, because you could end up with this guy-- as he calls himself “opportunistic.” Opportunistic? More like a felon! Put this guy behind bars; having that reassurance could make the holidays a bit more jolly.

As you can see, these songs have a lot of problems that lie within them, and there is no way these should even be considered Christmas songs in the first place. But, don’t let these old, cheesy songwriters get in the way of what this time of year is really about. People are so broken up about stuff in our modern world, and people go as far as to hate each other over the differences they have. But no matter what holidays you celebrate, what you believe in, and what you follow, you’re a human that deserves love from friends and family-- and a happy, restful winter. Enjoy your time perusing The Scroll, and Merry Christmas.

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