Self harm
What is this and what are the signs?
What is self-harm?
Self-harm is when you hurt yourself as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences.
Some people have described self-harm as a way to:
express something that is hard to put into words
turn invisible thoughts or feelings into something visible
change emotional pain into physical pain
reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts
have a sense of being in control
escape traumatic memories
have something in life that they can rely on
punish themselves for their feelings and experiences
stop feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated
create a reason to physically care for themselves
express suicidal feelings and thoughts without taking their own life.
Ways people self-harm can include:
cutting yourself
poisoning yourself
over-eating or under-eating
exercising excessively
biting yourself
picking or scratching at your skin
burning your skin
inserting objects into your body
hitting yourself or walls
misusing alcohol, prescription and recreational drugs
pulling your hair
having unsafe sex
getting into fights where you know you will get hurt.
How might your child feel after self harming?
After self-harming you may feel a short-term sense of release, but the cause of your distress is unlikely to have gone away. Self-harm can also bring up very difficult emotions and could make you feel worse.
Even though there are always reasons underneath someone hurting themselves, it is important to know that self-harm does carry risks. Once you have started to depend on self-harm, it can take a long time to stop.
A video from the charity Mind.
Finding out that someone you care about self-harms
Whether someone tells you directly, or you suspect that someone is hurting themselves, it can be difficult to know what to say and how best to approach the situation.
You might feel shocked, angry, helpless, responsible or any number of other difficult emotions.
Try not to panic or overreact. The way you respond to your friend or family member will have an impact on how much they open up to you and other people about their self-harm in the future.
Remember that self-harm is usually someone's way of managing very hard feelings or experiences, and that in the majority of cases it is different to suicidal feelings
What helps?
There are lots of things you can do to make a difference to someone you know who self-harms. Your attitude and how you relate to them is one of the key things that can help them feel supported. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Try to be non-judgemental.
Let the person know that you are there for them.
Relate to them as a whole person, not just their self-harm.
Try to have empathy and understanding about what they are doing.
Let them be in control of their decisions.
Offer to help them find support
Remind them of their positive qualities and things they do well.
Try to have honest communication, where you take responsibility for any fears you have.
What doesn't help?
Sometimes, even with the best will in the world, attempts to support someone can backfire. Here are some potential pitfalls to watch out for:
Trying to force change.
Acting or communicating in a way that threatens to take control away from your loved one.
Either ignoring their injuries or overly focusing on them.
Labelling self-harm as 'attention seeking'.
Although it often isn't, self-harm can sometimes be a person's way of asking for attention. If so, it is important to remember that there is nothing wrong with wanting attention, and that deep distress can get in the way of someone's ability to be direct about what they need.
Take care of yourself
Supporting someone who is self-harming can be a long process with many ups and downs. Taking care of yourself will enable you to stay involved for longer and to keep well.
Helpful things to put in place are:
having clear boundaries about how much and what sort of support you can offer
finding out what other support is available
getting support and information for yourself – Young Minds offers support for parents, and Sane and Self-injury Support run support services for people concerned about someone else's mental health
you may find it helpful to try a talking treatment if you are finding things difficult.
Youngminds
0808 802 5544 (Parents Helpline)
85258 (text the word 'shout')
youngminds.org.uk
Provides advice and support to young people for their mental health, as well as supporting parents and carers.
Contact details
Telephone 01256 423878
E mail office@ypicounselling.co.uk
Opening times Monday to Friday - 9:00 AM to 9:00 PM
