Offering the Benefit of the Doubt

In the classroom, there are so many things that happen on a daily basis that can be triggering, irritating, or offensive. Students, regardless of age, have a keen ability to get right into our hearts and say and do things that hurt. When this happens, we often frame it in our mind that they are doing something to us and we react from that thought. Our little voice engages in internal talk that can include name calling, judgement, and shaming. Sometimes the internal little voice erupts in external vocalization of our thoughts and our hurt. In both cases, no one wins. Even when we keep it in our minds our actions and attitudes cannot help but reflect our feelings. As good as we think we are at hiding it from our students, they are reading us.

During Victories, Challenges, and Redirects

When communicating with your students, notice how you approach them. Very often we speak to students, and others, from starters such as you or they. When we do this, we are often wagging a pointed finger at others - and as soon as that happens, they become instantly defensive.

Think of how you react to people when they start with, “YOU:”

• “You made me feel ___.”

• “Because you are doing ___ , you are making me do_____.”

• “When you do this you make me _____.”

• “If you didn’t do__, I wouldn’t have done ___.”

Recognize and Ask for What You Need, Rather than Tell What's Wrong

Asking is a powerful tool, as it allows us to reflect on what is really going on and proactively problem solve to take care of ourselves and others. In contrast, Telling is making something wrong or blaming. It creates a sense of powerlessness and effectively hands our power to others.

When we learn to explore and ask for what we need vs tell what’s wrong, we become powerful in expressing with genuineness and authenticity. We build trust and invite others to express openly without fear of judgement and dismissal.

When people ‘tell’ they often come across as, 1. Trying to get someone in trouble, (think tattle tales), 2. a victim, something is being done to them, or, 3. a gossip. Telling has a unique ‘sound’ to it and it is weak, whiney, and sometimes dramatic. Think passive-aggressive.

When people ‘ask’ they are powerfully stating a need, an opportunity to improve something for self or others. They are taking control and acknowledging a situation that they need support in. Asking has a solid, problem solving ‘sound’ and 'intention' to it. Think assertive.

Tell Stories to Relate Feelings, Rather than Make A Point

Think about those in your life who share stories of experience with you. Are you relating to how they were feeling or are you feeling like they are telling you how you should or ought to feel? Are the stories meant to change your mind about something? Or reinforce that it's really not that bad?

How do these stories make you feel? What stories were you told by your parents, grandparents, or teachers that you simply could not relate to? They were telling you about their hardships; walking backwards in the snow, or how they never were allowed to talk to their parents/teachers that way, or how you should be grateful for all I give you, I had to work for everything!

As the stories come to mind, what do you feel? Could you hear, embrace, relate to those teaching/ought to stories? Or did you tune out, wish you could cross your eyes, and hope the conversation would end soon?

Model in Words, Actions, and Attitudes what You Expect From Them

Authentic Listening: Model listening that is present and genuine. Listen to learn from them, to understand them, to relate to them. Listen for their individual insights rather than the answer you expect. Be cautious of pre-thinking your response, listen fully first - frame your response second. Use engaged non-verbal interaction, you do not have to say anything for them to know you are listening. Be focused only on them (put the phone down, look up from the monitor, etc.).

Self-Regulation and Proactive Responding: Model resilience, compassion, and strength. Let them experience positive recovery in challenging moments through you. Model sharing what you are feeling without shaming or blaming. Let them witness upsetting moments followed by responsible, kind, generous, honest, and controlled responses.

Reasons vs Excuses: Model and embrace responsibility using the concept that there is always a reason for our unpleasant moods, actions, and words - however, there is never an excuse for us to react to them in ways that are socially, emotionally, or physically harmful to ourselves or others.

Own Mistakes: The perception that we are more respected the less we mess up is the opposite of what our kids want and need from us. They need us to be human with them. To show them that messing up is normal and there are responsible ways to acknowledge mistakes and move on.

Be Vulnerable: Just reading the word vulnerable can leave many adult leaders (yes, teachers are leaders!) shuddering. The word often has a connotation of weakness when, in fact, it is a sign of strength and humanness. It gives permission to others to be human, to experience victories, joy, pain, sadness, anger, in ways that help us move through without taking out.