It was fall, October 17. I had spent the day with Josh. I had told my parents that we were studying for an AP French test, and, if I’m being honest, I don't really feel guilty about lying either. If I had told them the truth, that we were going on a date, then they would have locked me in my room and thrown away the key.

We spent the day walking in Lakebed Park, mostly. Holding hands and talking about how we were probably going to fail the French test. We bought bagels for lunch; he got a sesame seed bagel with butter and I went with a plain with cream cheese. After lunch we wandered around a bit before deciding to see a movie. The film was fine, but we spent most of it giggling to ourselves and stealing each other's popcorn. We were messing around so much that an elderly couple had to shush us. We quickly turned around and apologized before going back to stealing popcorn.

As the sun was setting we made our way back to the park. The oak trees stood silently, their red and orange leafs rustled in the wind. It was quiet now. Just us and a black and white striped goose on the other side of the lake that we named Craig. We sat down on a bench and watched as Craig squawked at the air and took off, leaving us alone.

“What time did your parents say you had to be back by?” His question broke through the silence and reminded me of what awaited me at home.

“Six forty five. It was gonna be Six thirty, but I was able to really sell how hard this test is gonna be. Which, to be fair, I wasn't lying.” I laughed. “God, we’re so screwed.”

“Non, ton français est bon”.

“Merci,” I replied with my most snobby voice.

Laughing together I laid my head on his shoulder. We sat there for a while, time seemingly standing still. Just enjoying the breeze, lightly flowing past our necks, leaving goosebumps in its wake.

“Well, it's six twenty five now. Unless you want your mom to flip, we should probably leave soon”.

“Yeah, you're probably right.” I replied, slowly turning my head to look up at him. He was looking at me too, his curly brown hair falling down in front of his hazel eyes.

And then I kissed him.

His eyes widened, then closed. I was as surprised as he was. And as we were kissing, the world seemed to fade, until it was just us. No breeze, no lake, no Craig, just us.

And suddenly, I was alone. Opening my eyes I was standing in the dining room of my house. Only it was different. The table and curtains on the window were new, less faded, and hanging from the fridge were finger paintings. I was sitting at the table with my parents. Only we were different. I was small, and my parents looked younger, fewer gray hairs adorned their heads, and not as many bags lay sitting underneath their eyes. Except for the clinking of silverware, we ate in silence.

“Mommy, Daddy, can I ask you a question?” Little me asked, my head barely above the table. Without waiting for an answer I continued, “What’s gay?”

My father's face darkened. His eyes shot up from his plate to my five year old face, narrowing with a look I now recognized as hate. “Where did you hear that word?”

“Joey called me it,” I answered timidley. Even then I was able to recognize when my father was getting angry.

“Someone who is gay is very very bad. We only use it for the most horrible people.” He paused, “Don't worry though, you aren't gay.” Hearing those words, it felt like a dagger of ice being plunged into my chest. Pinching the bridge of my nose I closed my eyes, trying to fight back the tears.

Opening my eyes, I found myself standing in my 5th grade classroom. I was talking to TJ, a childhood friend. I was wearing my favorite shirt at the time, a solid salmon pink. I turned and ran away from TJ, tears in my eyes. He had called me gay for wearing it. I didn't want to be a bad person, and not knowing what to do, I ran. I felt a wetness in my eyes as I started to cry. I closed my eyes to wipe away the tears, and when I opened them again, I was back in my house.

It was more recent than before, I recognized the furniture in my room as being new. But there was something else, around me were signs of chaos. Pictures of my family smashed on the floor, papers scattered from my desk. I was curled up in a ball on the floor, tears pouring down my face. Behind me I heard screaming. I didn't need to turn around, I already knew what the sound was. My parents were shouting at my closed bedroom door. Yelling how they had raised me better. Screaming about how I had failed them. I was frozen with fear, clutching my knees to my chest, sobbing to myself, wishing I were dead.

They had taken my phone without telling me, opening it up while I was doing homework. They looked through my texts with friends. I don't know what they were expecting to find, but it wasn't there. I was sobbing, curled up on the floor next to the broken remains of family pictures. All I wanted was for a way out. All I wanted was for it to stop.

The noise around me changed suddenly. Instead of the yells of my disappointed parents I heard sounds of people talking and eating. Opening my eyes I was staring at Josh. I recognized the scenery, I wasn’t back in the park, but rather at the sight of our first date. He had asked me if I wanted to go on a date. He had been so nervous, I found it cute. We ended up going bowling, before getting dinner at a nearby diner. We were sitting across from each other, and he was laughing at something I said. I don't remember what I said that he found so funny. What I do remember is him laughing. The happiness in his eyes as we talked over mediocre diner food. I felt a warmth in my chest as I stared into his eyes. He was doing what so many people in my life failed to do, he was making me happy.

And just as quick as they appeared, the visions were gone. It was us again. We pulled away from each other. Josh looked down, confusion on his face.

“I'm so so sorry,” I stammered, “I don't know why I did th-”. He leaned in and hugged me, wrapping his arms around me, cutting off my apology.

“Don't apologize, I liked it”.

I breathed a soft sigh of relief. “On second thought, I'd like to just sit here for a while”.

“Moi aussi”.