By Adia Dawn, NCSP, LSSP: ACE Academy Director of Counseling & Assessment
January 29, 2021
A conversation I had this year with some 6th-grade students prompted the sharing of information in this post. My conversation caused me to reflect on gifted children’s feelings around hearing feedback from the adults in their lives, and I felt compelled to share that information with you all.
What is permission-based feedback?
Asking your child if they are willing to allow you to give them feedback or share advice about something is an approach I call permission-based feedback. Gifted and high achieving children are often sensitive to criticism and can very easily take feedback about their work or skills personally. On the other hand, when they are told that the outcome of a product they created or a quality they have is really good they may respond by refuting the compliment if they don’t feel like it’s their best.
What makes giving feedback to gifted children different?
Children with high cognitive abilities are often observant, curious, and sometimes more skeptical of the feedback they hear from the adults in their lives. Many gifted learners hold themselves to very high expectations around not only academics but in their personal abilities, interests, and hobbies as well. As a result, when they hear parents or teachers tell them that something they’ve produced is high quality it can be a natural response for them to feel like they are just being told that, because they may not see the level of quality or “perfection” that they feel they should be able to attain.
On the flip side of having difficulty hearing positive feedback, some gifted children have a hard time hearing criticism or negative feedback. Many children may struggle with both kinds of feedback at different moments in their lives.
For a gifted child, hearing an adult they look up to give them feedback about something they could change or do differently can sometimes feel so much harsher than intended. Even if the feedback comes from a place of wanting to help them or provide them with valuable guidance when they have not asked for your opinion it can make them like they’re not good enough.
As we already know, many gifted children hold themselves to high standards in various areas of their lives. When they receive unsolicited feedback they can easily get very down on themselves, feeling validated that what they are doing is not good enough.
How does asking permission affect a gifted child’s response to feedback?
Children are more likely to be open and accepting of feedback that is shared with them when they have a choice to hear it and chose to give their permission, whether it is complementary or corrective. Allowing them to chose to hear feedback or not helps them feel empowered, heard, and receptive to when it is given. Instead of putting up a wall or meeting feedback with resistance, when a child gives their permission it can create a more open communication pathway.
My top 5 TIPS to giving Permission-Based Feedback:
Be specific: When asking for permission be specific about what you want their permission to do. For example, if they show you a project they’re working on and you want to tell them an idea that you think would improve it or make it a stronger project you could say something like “Would you give me your permission to share an idea I have that might help you strengthen your project?”
Respect their response: Whether their answer is what you want to hear or not, respect their choice. If they say no, it means they are not in a place to be able to hear or accept feedback from you. It is important to show them respect. Often, children will come back later and want to know what you were going to tell them, so hold onto your feedback because you’ll likely get to share it with them eventually.
Make it constructive: If you’re going to give them feedback make sure you offer ideas for growth that are constructive. It is important to also give them reasoning for why the feedback you’re sharing may be helpful to them and the specific situation at hand.
Pay attention to your tone: Gifted children can often be sensitive to the tone and language used by the adults in their lives. Therefore, it’s important to avoid harshness, joking, and straight criticism. It is beneficial to be direct and to the point in a caring and empathetic way.
Give them permission to take your feedback with a grain of salt: Recognize that the feedback you give may or may not be helpful to them, especially if it is feedback about growth or ways to make improvements. For example, you might consider making a statement that actually tells them it’s ok if they don’t find value in what you’ve shared and it’s ok if they don’t want to take your advice. This will help them feel a sense of control and autonomy around moving forward, whether they take your advice into account or not.
Here at ACE, many of our teachers are familiar with the concept of asking permission and put these principles into practice in their teaching every day. I model asking for permission directly when working with teachers so they can feel the impact it has in lowering defensiveness and increasing receptiveness to ideas. I also provide ongoing support and professional development opportunities for teachers to learn approaches that will help them communicate and, interact with gifted learners in a productive and collaborative way.
Stay curious,
-Ms. Dawn