Based on a true story, names have been excluded or altered for privacy.
*Mentions of medical conditions*
Based on a true story, names have been excluded or altered for privacy.
*Mentions of medical conditions*
Sitting here in the waiting room of the doctor's office, the last thing I expected to be doing was watching silly videos with my mother on her phone. Jojo Siwa appears in some TV show upset about an older man I don't recognize asking for a cigarette using outdated terms. Yikes.
"Sylvia?" The nurse's voice rings through the room. I get up and follow her back, my mother trailing behind me as I slyly pass her AirPod back. We enter the exam room, and I pull off my cross-body bag and shimmy out of the thick winter coat as fast as I can so the nurse can take my weight and blood pressure.
“So… you’re here about the ultrasound results?” Ah, yes, the thing that’s supposed to explain my random pelvic pain.
“And a possible hysterectomy,” My mother chimes in. I have to hold back a grin as the nurse goes silent for a moment before asking the typical questions. When was the last period? What birth control am I using? After answering, she leaves. The door closes and I burst out laughing,
“Ahahaha! She went silent after you said that!” Mom laughs along with me. Soon after, the surgeon enters and shakes my hand.
“So what happened in this last year to have you come in?”
“This past year, each period has become more and more painful as time progresses. They upped my dosage to manage that, but I was having negative symptoms so they kicked me off it. This is the first period I’ve had off birth control in three years, and it was a nightmare. I was stumbling around at work all day and kept almost falling.” I pause, considering which symptoms to share, “It felt like somebody was stabbing and squeezing and poking my insides. I was hot and cold and shivering all at the same time. It was also like a burning sensation that would not stop. You know when you're in so much pain you feel like you're going to throw up? That's what it was, it wasn't nausea, I was hurting so bad I felt like I was going to throw up.” I know I’m ranting, but she asked.
“Well, I reviewed your ultrasound, and it looks like a pretty mild case of adenomyosis. But your notes say you have a family history of endometriosis?” Mild? Mild??? It doesn’t fucking feel mild! I look to my mother,
“Do you want to share the quote?” I ask her.
“Well, my doctor said she didn’t know how I had kids. After Doctor Amanda Miller did my hysterectomy, she said I had so much scar tissue and endometriosis in me it looked like a bomb went off.”
“I see, and when was this?”
“In 2017.”
“And what about the other women in your family?” I look to Mom, waiting for her response.
“I believe my mom had endometriosis. She had awful periods to the point where she almost died from bleeding out once.” Well, shit I didn’t know that.
“Well, given your family history, it's not uncommon for us to see endometriosis in a younger patient. It matches up with your symptoms, so I wouldn’t be surprised. But a hysterectomy-” I can’t bite my tongue,
“I know you typically don’t until twenty-five. I’ve looked into donating my uterus, but they won’t take it unless you’ve had a successful pregnancy.” Mom pats my knee,
“Calm down. Slow down.” I take a breath and hold it. My cheeks are on fire, and my eyes sting. Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not show weakness here. Dammit. The doctor hands me a tissue, and I wipe my tears before they can fall.
“It’s just not that possible. Considering your age and insurance. They just won’t cover it for someone this young.” Why does it always come back to insurance? Fuck insurance. “I recommend a laparoscopic surgery where we can get an image of what's going on. I’d also recommend an IUD to better manage your symptoms.” An IUD? No, no, no. I’ve heard the horror stories. Will I be able to feel it? Will it cause Braxton hicks? Doesn't it cause weight gain? Is any of that even right?
“I think the surgery is a good idea, but she’s said she doesn’t want an IUD.” Mom's voice breaks me from my internal panic.
“Yeah, I’m fine with the surgery, but I’m not sold on an IUD.”
“Well, when we knock you out for the surgery, we could insert it then.”
“Oh, that sounds great! Insertion is the worst part. I’d have to be asleep for it.” I look between them, still unsure. “It’s your choice, kid.” Mom pats my knee reassuringly.
“What about a tubal ligation? My gynecologist told me that while in the process, it’d become an exploratory surgery.”
“They make you jump through so many hoops for that. You’d have to get a psychological evaluation to even be considered.” Fucking ridiculous. I know I’m young, but I’ve known for at least five years that I don’t want kids.
“Seriously?” I can’t help but laugh.
“I told you it’s not an easy process, kid.” Mom sets her hand on my knee, pushing it down to stop me from bouncing my leg. Let me bounce. I’m trying to stay in control here.
“Alright, let’s have you hop up on the exam table, and I’ll take a listen.” I hop up from the chair and sit on the table. “I forgot my stethoscope, I'll be right back.” She leaves. I look to Mom.
“It’s something, kid. It’s progress.”
“I know, but it’s still frustrating. I mean I’m a legal adult and they say I can’t decide shit about my body!”
“I know, but it’s not that easy. Your brain isn’t fully developed.” The door opens,
“If I can be summoned for jury duty and decide the fate of other people's lives, why can't I choose this?!”
“That is a good point,” The surgeon chimes in. It feels like everyone recognizes how stupid this is, but they won’t do anything about it! She listens to my chest as I breathe. I lie back and pull up my shirt so she can examine my stomach. “Do you work out a lot?”
“I mean, I guess. My job is very physical.”
“I can tell you have nice abs.” Okay then? Wasn’t expecting that. Once she's done, I slide off and retake my seat next to my mother. “Did you have any more questions for me?”
“Well, I know a rare type of endometriosis can grow into the chest cavity. I started menstruating at eleven, and that same year I began having chest pain.” I pause a moment, considering my past experiences at the doctor's. “Do you think that could be the cause of it? Since they haven’t been able to find a reason for it, I mean.”
“Well, that’s definitely possible, but I’ll have no way of knowing till I cut you open.”
“Okay. I just wanted to ask.” I mean, since they kicked me off my pills, I’ve been experiencing more chest pain.
“Alright, here's a pamphlet for the IUD. Just humor me and take it. In the meantime, we'll get you back on your original pills to manage your symptoms.”
“Thank you.” Thank fuck. I did not want to have to go through that painful shit again.
“I’ll have my scheduler call you for that surgery. If that’s all, you're free to go.” We get up and exit the exam room. I’m so tired. We pass through the lobby and exit the building through its glass doors.
“Well… It’s a step in the right direction.”
“I know, but I’m just so frustrated.” We get in the car.
“Well, it’s not like they were going to rip everything out right away like you wanted.” I sigh,
“I know that, but I want them to…” Why does it have to be age that holds me back? I look at the building next to us, Culvers. “Can we get ice cream? I’m upset after that.” We pull up to the drive-thru, and Mom orders two turtle sundaes. I scoop my cherry into her cup, never one to enjoy the taste mixed with ice cream. I silently poke at it for a minute, slowly eating while she drives.
“It’s good.”
“Yeah… It’s soothing my soul,” I mumble.
“This is good, though. The fact that they’re listening shows how far women’s health has come.” I don’t feel happy about this, though.
“Not far enough. I just… I know I don’t want kids, so why can’t they listen?”
“Because what happens if in five years, something changes and you regret it? There have been cases where people sue their doctor over that.”
“I’m not stupid enough to sue over something I asked for. That’s just dumb.”
“And if you do regret it?”
“The thought of growing a child fills me with disgust. If I did ever want kids, I could never have them be biologically related to me. It just grosses me out.” I scoop more ice cream into my mouth.
“Well, if you do this and the IUD, then you're just two steps closer to getting what you want. After all, a hysterectomy is considered a last resort.” It shouldn’t have to be. I’m so tired. I’m upset, but all my energy is gone, so I don’t think I can cry. Why do we have to live in a world where women have to suffer until they've tried absolutely everything rather than listen to them in the first place?