September 20th, 2010 (8th grade)
“FLORENCE WHAT ARE YOU DOING STANDING THERE?!?, GO GET THE BALL!” Parker’s voice rings out from the field.
I blink up at him and notice that the game is still going on. The mesh red team jersey that smells like sweat somehow grounds me back to the game. I quickly take off running even though I have no idea where I am going.
I take a look around at what is going on the field and try to pick up what everyone's placement is. However, it only leaves me in more confusion. Through my distraction, a player from the opposite team wearing a blue jersey runs and pushes past me. The force of the push makes me lose my balance and I am barely able to catch my fall.
Parker, a boy with blond shaggy hair and hazel eyes runs toward me. For a second I thought he was going to ask if I was okay. However, that thought gets quickly proven to be false when he stands by me and shakes his head at me.
“Gosh dang it, Florence. You need to pull yourself together and focus. You’re making us lose,” He states in exasperation.
A flash of anger and annoyance grows within my stomach, “Shut up, Parker! I told you I didn’t want to play this stupid game! You out of everyone should know that I hate playing soccer! If anything you should be blaming everyone else in the class for pressuring me into playing!”
He scowls at my answer, “We had an uneven amount of players, Florence! Everyone wanted to play besides you! It wasn’t fair that a person had to sit out of the game because of you. Don’t be so selfish and dramatic.”
It takes everything in me not to slap him across the face. “If you just came here to yell at me and talk trash, I think you should just get out of my face. You’re on thin ice and if I have to hear another word come out of your stupid mouth, I will slap you.”
A look of shock forms onto his face. However, his expression later changes into anger as he holds his hands up in surrender and starts backing away from where I am.
“Fine whatever. I was just trying to help.”
He runs away towards the rest of the team now in a huddle together. I bit back the yell I wanted to let out for what he just said. Trying to help? What world does he live in that calling me selfish and dramatic would be helpful?
A sigh escapes me, “Idiot.”
I turn towards the opposite direction to grab a drink from my water bottle.
The game continues, and somehow both teams are tied. However, none of that success is because of me. In fact, I try everything in my power to stay out of anyone’s way. Whenever the ball would remotely come close to my direction, I would just run to the opposite side. My expectation was that my teammates would be appreciative of the fact that I am not in the way. However, every time I ran away from the ball, my teammates would award me with a scowl on their face. I roll my eyes at their response.
My attempts to run away from the ball could only work for so long. Despite my efforts to not participate in the game, the ball somehow rolls over to where I am. Everyone stops what they are doing and looks at me anticipating what my next move will be. A burning red sensation spreads across my face. My body stays frozen in position and my mind remains blank.
“FLORENCE GO!” Parker's voice shouts across the field.
For a second time, Parker's voice breaks me out of my trance and I start kicking the ball across the field. The shout somehow also breaks everyone else's frozen position and they all start heading towards my direction.
As I am kicking the ball throughout the game, I somehow manage to dodge the opposing team. A glimmer of hope and happiness starts to take form as my team starts cheering for me to keep going. I almost make it towards where the goal is when….
A large body pushes me and suddenly I am feeling a pounding pain on my right ankle. Not from falling to the ground, but because whoever this idiot is somehow mistakes my ankle for the soccer ball and kicked it with the most amount of force they had.
FUUUUDGE.
I fall to the floor and feel my whole leg pulsing from the pain. A yelp escapes my lips and I grit my teeth to hide the scream that my body wants to let out. Black spots start to cloud my vision and I take a couple of deep breaths to calm down. No…don’t pass out. Don’t pass out in front of the 30 people that are outside.
“Oh God…I’m so sorry, are you okay?” A young male voice calls from behind me.
I turn around and see a boy my age from the opposing teammate staring down at me. His blue mesh jersey was covered dark in some places to showcase the intensity of sweat from the game. His floppy brown hair clung to his wet forehead. He quickly wiped his forehead and I noticed he had tan skin that made me jealous of the fact that he did not need to worry about the summer time. My attention finally turned towards his emerald green eyes that looked down at me with crushing guilt and embarrassment for the pain that he caused me.
I would normally brush off an apology like this and just move on. But the growing pain in my leg and the lost chance of being useful for my team, makes me respond in a different way. A rush of annoyance consumes me.
“Oh you know I’m just doing super, thank you for asking,” I respond sarcastically, “Don’t mind me, I just decided to sit in the middle of the field just to take a quick rest.”
The boy flinches back from my harsh tone. His face turns 3 shades darker in red and he starts fidgeting with his fingers. He drops his gaze down to his shoes.
“Right, sorry, that was a stupid question,” He replies with a shake of his head.
I look at him in anticipation of what he would do next only to be met with disappointment.
“Well…aren’t you going to help me up at least?” I question him.
He jumps up and scrambles to grab my arm.
I wrap my left arm around his shoulder and he grabs my waist to help me balance and stand up. I somehow accidently place pressure on my right foot and a hiss of pain escapes my lips.
“Are you sure you can balance with just your left foot?” The boy asks.
“Yes! Just please help me walk to the nurses office.”
We carefully walk out of the field. Well… more like I hop away from the field. I look up and am met with the whole student body, starting at us. My face turns red. God this is the last time I ever let someone talk me into playing a sport ever again.
“Umm..” the boy's voice fills the silence. At first I assume he is talking to me but his gaze is towards the crowd of students. “I’m going to take her to the nurse to get some ice, you guys can continue with the game.”
His words somehow break the awkward silence that is present throughout the field. Right away everyone goes back to playing the game and I honestly am impressed by how easily everyone listened to his advice.
The walk back inside the school and to the nurses office took longer than I had expected. This was mostly because I was hopping on my left foot the whole time and I had to frequently make random stops to catch my breath. Eventually, we make it to the nurses office and see that the nurse is on the phone. She perks up at seeing us enter. At first she glances at us with confusion only to later piece together what happened. She waves us over to the recovery couch at the right corner of her office.
“I’ll be with you both in a second. Just let me finish with this phone call first,” She whispers before going back to the calls.
We both nod in understanding and make our way to the recovery couch. The boy sets me down and I lift my right leg up to rest. I expect him to leave afterwards but am surprised to see him take a seat next to me. We sit in awkward silence and I try to avoid his gaze. I take a quick glance at him to notice that he is twirling his fingers again on his lap. Must be a nervous habit.
“Umm..I know you might not want to hear this but I just wanted to apologize again for what happened. It was an accident and it was never my intention to hit your leg instead of the ball,” He interrupts the silence.
I look up at him and see his emerald green eyes once again are filled with remorse and pain over what happened. I recall back to my interaction with him in the field and feel a sense of guilt and pity wash over me. Okay…maybe I overreacted a little.
“Hey, no worries,” I reply, “This is honestly not the first time I got injured trying to participate in a sport. If anything this was just the reminder that I need to stop being a pushover. So in reality, you did me a favor in proving that I will never be cut out for sports.”
A small smile grazes his face and his eyes glimmer in hope.
“Oh come on, I don’t think you're that bad,” He replies only to see the lie through his eyes.
I roll my eyes, “Oh please, spare me the comfort. I know I am trash at soccer so stop trying to be the good guy and make up these lies to reassure me.”
I am met with a bright smile which makes my heart skip a beat.
“Okay yeah..you do suck at soccer,” He teases.
“Gee thanks.” I joke back.
“Like the worst.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You actually might be the worst player in the world.”
“Okay, I think I get it.”
“No..maybe in the whole universe.”
“Alright buddy, we don’t need to go too far.”
“You literally have two left feet.”
“Okay now you're starting to offend me.”
“I don’t know how you go about your day without tripping on air.”
“And…now I am offended.”
“But seriously, how do you survive in the real world?”
“Okay you can stop now! Gosh I think I preferred when you lied to me about not being that bad.”
Our laughter suddenly fills the air and it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off the room. It was like once we started to laugh we couldn’t stop. We weren’t laughing just about our bickering but also about the situation as a whole. For a moment, I even forgot about the throbbing pain on my right ankle and all I could think about was how my clumsiness and bad luck has brought me to this.
After a while, our laughter dies down and I notice how I have to take deep breaths to get myself back together. We look at each other and smile.
“I’m Lucius,” He finally says.
Lucius. Well at least, I don’t have to label him as the jerk who kicked my ankle.
“I’m Florence,” I greet back. He nods in acknowledgement.
The nurse finally makes her way towards us and takes a look at my ankle. She notes how it was starting to get swollen and grabs an ice pack from the mini fridge. After closer inspection she tells me that no major injuries were present but it was better for me to go home and get rest. She reminds Lucius that it's okay for him to go back outside as the bell was about to ring for the next class. He looks up at me as though he is unsure if he really wants to leave me alone. I nod my head in reassurance.
Lucius gets up from the chair as the nurse goes to call my mom over the phone, “Well, I hope you get better soon Florence. Try to stay away from any type of sport for a while for the sake of both of us.”
I roll my eyes at him, “Please the idea of playing any type of sport is the bane of my existence. If anything, I am more worried about the embarrassment that I will have to experience instead once I come back to school tomorrow.”
“Hey,” He awkwardly taps my shoulder, “You’ll be okay.”
For some reason those words fill me with warmth and comfort.
He then walks away towards the door but not before turning around and waving goodbye.
“See ya, Florence!”
The door shuts and I shake my head at his departure. It was interesting to see how he didn’t depart as though we would never see each other but rather as though we were seeing each other the next day. As though we had just become long time friends.
The grin does not leave my face even when he is gone.
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December 9th, 2011 (9th grade)
My left leg continues to bounce as I am sitting by the steps outside of the school. The only thing that I could focus on was the sound of my heart pounding and almost escaping through my chest. I took a deep breath of the cold air to calm my nerves.
Calm down. You can do this.
Soft footsteps start to descend down the concrete stairs. They pause once they get close to me and I already know who it is.
“Florence, what are you still doing here? I thought Friday’s were the days that you would be running out of school and trying to escape back home,” Lucius' voice rings into the cold air.
My heart starts to beat faster from hearing his soft voice. Butterflies started to flutter within my stomach as I looked up and noticed his emerald green eyes staring at me with warmth and concern.
I try to push those emotions away for a moment.
“Haha, very funny, Sunshine,” I playfully roll my eyes.
He laughs and that flutter in my stomach returns once again. Dang it. How can I do this when everything he does somehow makes me lose my train of thought?
“No but I’m serious, Flor. What are you still doing here?” He asks as he sits down next to me.
“I was waiting for you…” I intended to elaborate more but the words somehow got stuck within my throat.
“That's… nice of you? But why?”
I take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves. Come on Florence. You can do this. Just ask him.
“Are you okay Flor?” He asks after my continued silence.
“Yes! I’m fine! Just give me a minute!”
“Umm okay.”
A groan escapes my lips. This is not going according to plan.
“Sorry, I’m just really nervous. Don’t take it personally, it doesn’t have to do with you.” I apologize.
“Something tells me that it actually does have to do with me,” He mutters.
“Lucius!”
“Sorry, I’ll shut up now. Take your time.”
I take a couple more deep breaths. Come on Florence. You've been preparing to do this all week. Don’t back down now. It's just Lucius. Your best friend.
“I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out with me tomorrow?” I finally ask.
Lucius gives me a confused look but it shifts into a relieved smile, “That's what you wanted to ask me? Come on Flor, you already know what my answer is going to be. We literally hang out every weekend! This isn’t anything new.”
A wave of disappointment washes over me. This was what I was afraid of. I knew that for some reason he would misinterpret my question. I hate the fact that I need to elaborate on this.
“T-That's not what I meant!” I shout.
Lucius looks at me in shock by my outburst. My face turns red as I realize how ridiculous my reaction was.
“Okay…then what did you mean?” Lucius asks.
“I meant to hang out in a different way. Well not really different because we could technically do the same thing that we always do. Except I wanted it to mean something different. Like something more where- GAH,” I groan in embarrassment. I bury my face into my arms in hope to hide my red cheeks.
“Florence. You know you can tell me anything. Don’t be afr-”
“A DATE! I wanted to ask if you wanted to go on a date with me! There I said it!” I shout as I turn to look at him.
Lucius flinches from my outburst but stays silent. His eyes widen and his mouth opens and closes as though unsure of what to say.
A wave of uncertainty starts to take form in my chest the longer he takes to respond. I turn away from him and start to play with a loose thread of my jacket sleeve. My brain screams at me to find a way to leave this conversation.
“Um..you know what? Forget what I just said. We can just hang out like we always do on the weekends. It was dumb of me to ask something like that from you. We can continue hanging out as friends. It's no big deal.” I ramble off.
A quiet silence fills the air between us. It takes everything within me to not stand up and run away. I want to escape this situation that I put myself in. However, a voice interrupts my chances to leave.
“It's about time.”
Wait what?
I turn towards him and see that he is giving me a warm smile. However, the more I look into his expression I start to see a hint of mischief. A sudden realization washes over me.
“You Jerk!” I yell smacking his arm, “You knew this whole time that I was going to ask you that! You just wanted to see me suffer through that awkwardness.”
Lucius continues to laugh despite my attempts to hit his arm in frustration. Eventually I pull away and sit down in annoyance at what just took place.
“I’m sorry Flor,” he starts to say as he laughs, “But to be fair you shouldn’t doubt my ability to read you so well. I’ve been your best friend for over a year now and I can pick up on your nervous habits in an instance.”
I sigh in annoyance. The feeling of warmth returns as I realize that Lucius does in fact know me better than anyone else.
“I should start changing my nickname for you. Sunshine is no longer cutting it. In fact this moment just proves you are anything but that,” I say trying to fight the growing smile on my face.
Lucius laughs at me and eventually I can no longer hold back my smile. A giggle comes out of my lips and in moments both of us are laughing.
Once our laughter dies down Lucius gives me a loving smile, “But to answer your question, Yes, little flower. I would love to go on a date with you.”
A blush rises in my cheeks and I turn away in embarrassment. Him calling me little flower always seems to have an effect on me.
A sudden feeling of dread starts to take over as a thought goes through my mind. The idea of how exactly our relationship will now change.
“Do you think this will change our friendship? Like what's going to happen to us once we decide to separate?” I ask in a panic tone.
“Shh little flower, let’s calm down for a second. We shouldn’t be too worried about what will happen in the future. Let's just focus on the present and start taking things slow,” He responds while grabbing my shoulder in a gentle form.
“But it is something that we should be worried about, Lu! Our friendship means everything to me and this isn’t worth it if by the end of the day we lose it!”
“There's no reason for things to change between us, Florence. Our friendship is something that means the world to both of us. It's not something that will automatically leave just because we somehow break up in the future. No matter what, we started as friends and we will continue to be friends till the end of time. That's a title that each of us will never have removed whenever it comes to our relationship.”
He wraps his arms around me in a tight hug. In just a few seconds I start feeling the great sense of comfort cover me.
“We’ll be okay Florence. Just trust me on this.”
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April 8th, 2014 (12th grade)
“I think maybe we should take a break.”
While the words were something that I was expecting, it didn't stop me from feeling like someone just dropped a giant weight and crushed my soul.
I honestly shouldn’t be surprised that the conversation would lead to this. We were heading close to the end of our senior year and for some reason we no longer were invested within this relationship.
Lucius refused to look at me and I know that this was hard for him too. We both wanted to carry this idea that we would stay together forever and that we would never break up. However, life as we know it likes to throw curveballs at us and make us head into two different directions.
I nodded my head at what he said but somehow all I could feel was the numbness in my body.
“Okay,” I responded.
Lucius looks up at me almost expecting me to say more. It was almost like he was waiting for me to fight back against what he said. To fight for our relationship. However, how could I try to deny his right to move on if he longer wants to be with me?
“Okay? That’s all you have to say?” He asks in disbelief.
“What else do you want to say Lucius? Do you want me to tell you that everything is going to be okay? That eventually we will somehow make things work between us? Because you know better than anyone else that I can’t lie to you. That’s something that I refuse to do even now.”
Lucius looks away and flinches at my words. Despite my cold and neutral tone, he can pick up on the hurt that I am feeling.
“We made a promise to each other that we would try to fight against everything that came into our path. However, we didn’t take into account how each of us in reality would change. We didn’t realize that over time our identity, wants, needs, and values would start to shift. And that's a mistake on our part.”
I turn away from him as I realize that my emotions are getting the best of me. Despite my growing hurt and pain I refuse to shed a tear in front of him.
A silence is there for a couple of minutes.
“Florence”
I ignore him.
“Florence, please look at me,” He pleads.
Despite my brain telling me to not look at him my body betrays my thoughts and turns around.
He gives me a sad smile and I notice that tears are starting to form in his eyes.
“Do you remember the first thing that I told you when we first started dating, Florence?”
I shake my head. How does he expect me to remember anything besides what is going on right now?
“I told you that no matter what happened between us our friendship would never be affected by it. At the end of the day, we were friends before anything else and that is something that we will always be.”
Despite the fact that coldness and numbness fills my body, his words somehow as always bring a sense of reassurance.
He steps toward me and grabs my face. He places his forehead against mine and we both close our eyes. It takes everything in me to not cry. A sob escapes his lips and I notice tears streaming down his face.
“You'll be okay Florence. I just know you will. This doesn't change how much I care about you and how much I love you.” He whispers as though he is making another promise to me.
I nod my head and he gives me a kiss on the forehead. The kiss lasts longer than I anticipate and I feel Lu’s hands start to shake. Afterwards, he pulls away and once again gives me a pained smile.
“Goodbye Florence,” he says before turning around and getting into his car.
I didn't repeat the farewell but just stood there staring at him until I could no longer see his car.
I drop to the floor and cried.
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August 16th, 2016 (1st year of college)
I try to ignore the nasty glares that are given in my direction. My shaking hands try to brush off the non-visible wrinkles of my bright emerald dress. As I walk towards the front of the funeral room, I notice various family members and friends whisper among themselves about my presence.
A part of me understands that they are disgusted by my choice of attire. But also they are disgusted by the fact that I decided to show up in the first place.
The constant whispers that circulate around me, make me stop and pause my journey. Feelings of regret and embarrassment start to take form. What am I doing here? I have no right to be here after so long? I slowly start walking backwards and before I can exit the room someone stops me.
“Florence,” A gentle voice calls out to me.
A wave of nausea fills my stomach and somehow I start to see black spots cloud my vision. A shaky sigh leaves my lips as a way to ground my senses as I turn around.
Lucius's mom stands before me with a tight bun that makes it look like her skin is being pulled back from her face. She gives me a warm smile but it contradicts the pain that is within her eyes. Her red eyes shine and dried up tear stains are found on her cheeks. More wrinkles are present within her forehead and under eyes. It looked like she had aged around 10 years in just the span of 2 years since I had last seen her. I look down at her black lace formal dress and shiny black heels. They look far more put together compared to her complexion.
A tight smile grazes my lips, “Hi Mrs. Laveda.”
“It's been awhile since I have last seen you sweetheart. Also you know better than to call me Mrs. Leveda. Please still continue to call me Marianne. I would hate to see us go back to the formalities,” She replies.
“Sorry Marianne. These past couple of 2 years have been very busy. I actually started a new job as an assistant within the design department for a small business. That took up a lot of my time and not to mention finishing up school in order to graduate on time. It was honestly surprising how fast I was able to catch a flight and get here as soon as possible.”
The warm smile is still present on her face but now tears glisten in her eyes. She blinks them rapidly as though to try to stop the tears from coming out.
“That's wonderful to hear, sweetie. It's good to know that you were able to achieve such a huge accomplishment. I know you would strive for something big for your future. You have always been such a hardworking and independent young women.”
A blush spreads across my face from the compliments. I never got used to hearing praises from others. They for some reason always left a warm feeling within my stomach.
“Thank you Marianne. It honestly means a lot to me to hear you say that.”
An awkward silence is present between us. I look down and instead focus my eyes on the ground towards her black heels. They look new since no creases are present on them. I can feel her gaze burning in my head as though she is waiting for me to say something.
An unsettling feeling of discomfort takes form.
“Well I’ll just go and gre-”
A hand grips my right arm and stops me from walking away. That same hand pulls me towards them and suddenly I am in a tight hug. It takes me a second of shock to realize that it was Marianne who was the person to grab me and pull me into a hug.
Sobs start to fill my ears and a wetness is felt on my shoulder. I stand frozen unsure of what to do. I was never really good at comforting other people. Especially when it came to people who were crying.
Come on Florence. You can do this. She needs you. Do it for her. Or at least do it for Lucius.
Those thoughts somehow motivate me to slowly raise my arms up from my side and wrap them around her. Her sobs get louder and some people who are by the ile of the funeral home stare at us. Some with an expression of uncomfort while others with sympathy. However I know that sympathy is directed to Marianne and not at me. I close my eyes to avoid those stares and focus on that hug.
It was warm and secure. It felt very similar to Lucius hugs. For some reason that thought causes a tingling sensation within my throat to take form. However, despite that feeling it was not enough to cause tears to flow down my cheeks. Instead, I stay in that position occasionally rubbing her back.
Eventually she pulls away and tears continue to trail down her face. She takes a piece of tissue from her pocket and wipes her eyes.
“Sorry about that sweetheart. I just really needed to hug you,” She puts the tissue away and carefully grabs both of my hands in a delicate manner.
I give her a tight smile and just shake my head.
“He would have been proud of you. He would have been so happy to hear how much you were able to do.”
Despite not specifying on who she was talking about, I already knew she meant Lucius.
“Come on sweetie. I think it's time we both go see him,” She says with a sense of determination. Her grip in my hand somehow grows tighter.
“Wait what? You haven’t gone over there to see him yet?” I ask in shock.
She wipes her eyes again with the same tissue but a tense smile grazes her face, “No sweetheart, I didn’t have the courage to do it. But since you are here, I feel that we both can do it together.”
She attempts to pull me towards the casket but I pull back.
“I-I can’t go up there Marianne,” I stutter out.
“What do you mean you can’t go up there?”
“I don’t have the right to go up there and see him.”
“Don’t say that, Florence. You have more right than anyone else to be up there.”
“How can you say that? I haven’t spoken or seen Lucius for over 2 years! On top of that the one time I actually do come to see him, it’s at his own Funeral! We both promised that no matter what happens between us, we would always remain friends until the end of time. But in the end, I threw that friendship away!”
“That's where you're wrong, Florence. If that was the case you wouldn’t be here at his funeral. You wouldn’t have dropped the life you made over there and taken the first flight to get here. You wouldn’t be here fulfilling his wishes to wear emerald green at his funeral because not only was it his favorite color but it represented his bright soul. If you weren’t his friend, you would have carried on with your life without a care in the world. But you didn’t do that Florence.”
Tears start to stream down my face hearing her words. Part of me wants to believe her but another feels that I don’t deserve to.
Marianne cups my face and starts to wipe the tears flowing down my cheeks. “Florence, true friendship and love is when two people undergo so much changes within their life but in the moments that matter the most they are there for each other. They are two people who are able to bounce back and pick up where they left off even after being separated for so long. That is the type of friendship that you and Lucius had. That's a relationship that people take a lifetime to find.”
The tears do not stop coming but a gentle smile starts to form on my face.
“Now, I’ll ask you again to please come with me to see my son. I’m not asking you to do it for me or for anyone else here at this funeral. I’m asking you to do it for yourself. For Lucius. For the bond you carried for each other. Because the love you both carried was beyond friendship and romantic love.”
After a moment of hesitation I nod my head and we both walk towards his casket. Marianne gestures for me to go first and have my private moment with him. I carefully stand in front of his casket and take a deep breath before looking down.
He was dressed in a black and white suit that had an emerald green tie. It made me long to see his own green eyes for one last time. I place my hands on top of his folded ones and look at his face. It was honestly not surprising to see how calm he looks even as he is gone. At that moment, a flood of emotions overcame me. The acceptance that he was gone was finally there and I wasn't ready for it. I don't think I ever would have been ready for it.
I take a couple seconds to calm down. I imagine myself away from this funeral and to a time where me and Lucius were together. A simpler time where there was only laughter and happiness but eventually my brain took me to those times where I was in distress. How exactly would Lucius handle those moments that I was in?
I open my eyes and smile down at Lucius despite the fact that tears were streaming down my face once again .
"I'll be okay Lucius. You don't have to worry about me.”