"If Only You Could Hear Me"
Doris Schwartz feels helpless as she watches her other self with a handful of sleeping pills in one hand and a glass of alcohol in the other.
Doris starts to panic and calls out: “Stop! Stop! What are you doing to us?”
Her words fall on deaf ears as the other Doris can’t hear or see her. Doris feels sick at the thought of witnessing her own suicide attempt and wonders what she can possibly do.
Doris yells out in frustration: “Hey! If only you could hear me! I could help you.”
For a long moment the other Doris stares at the pills in her hand, with tears running down her face, scared by the thoughts running through her head.
Just then a thought strike Doris: “Maybe you can’t hear me but what about other things?”
She runs to the sink and turns the taps on full and then starts banging the door of one of the toilet cubicles. The other Doris stops and wanders what’s happening but as she can’t see anything she starts to think that maybe after everything she might be losing her mind. She remembers she'd previously had a breakdown and fear swells inside of her that it could be happening again.
Doris notices that the other woman’s hand containing the pills has moved away from her mouth and she feels a sense of relief so stops banging the door. At that moment Coco enters the ladies room and Doris quickly hides in the cubicle closing the door behind her.
Coco stops when she sees the state the other Doris is in. She can tell by the mascara stains on her face that her friend has been crying. The other Doris closes her hand containing the pills and slowly puts her hand in her pocket to hide what she was about to do from Coco.
Coco: "Oh Doris you look a mess, why don’t I call Bruno to come and take you home?”
The other Doris nods silently in agreement, relieved that Coco didn't see the pills.
Coco pulls out her cell phone but notices the taps turned on full and the water filling up the basin. She turns them off.
Coco: “What happened here?”
The other Doris shrugs: “I, I erm don’t know. They just came on by themselves.”
Coco gives the other Doris a sceptical look but doesn't pursue the matter. Instead she makes the phone call to Bruno.
Coco becomes frustrated when she gets Bruno’s answering service: “Listen Bruno, it’s Coco I’m with Doris and she’s in a pretty bad way. Call me back when you get this.”
Coco sighs and looks at her watch, she only has 15 minutes before she’s due back on stage. She then decides to call Danny. Thankfully he answers first time and agrees to come straight over.
Coco smiles: “It’s okay Danny’s agreed to come and be with you, he should be here in 10 minutes.”
The other Doris had noticed Coco’s worried look at her watch and becomes frustrated by her friend.
Doris: “That’s right palm me off onto someone else. Do you have somewhere else to be?”
Coco: “Look Doris I know you’re upset and you have every right to be but I have a show to do so it makes sense to get someone else in to help you.”
The other Doris gives a weak laugh: “It’s always a show with you isn't it? My whole life is falling apart here, it’s the anniversary of my Mother being killed in the 9/11 terrorist attacks and my son is missing. He’s been fighting in a war against these terrorists. A war that has been going on for nine years now and there seems to be no end in sight to it. Even if William is actually okay this time, what about the next time? What about all those days and nights he’s away from me and I have no idea if he’s alive or dead and whether I’ll ever see him again. Do you know what that’s like? Do you know how it feels to have no control over any of this. Every time I've seen my son in the few last years, the joy has always been tinged with sorrow. What if this is this the last time I’ll ever see him? Every time I hug him goodbye it could be for the last time. I have no way of knowing. It’s draining and I have no other life these days. There’s certainly no show for me! But you, you just need to worry about some show or other!”
Coco takes a deep breath: “Look Doris, I know you’re hurting right now and you are just lashing out at me, but this isn't the time or the place. Besides, shouting at me isn't going to make any of your pain go away. William will still be lost and even if he wasn't he would still be fighting this terrible war. None of that is my fault!”
The other Doris nods: “You’re right Coco, you’re right, as usual. Just go back to your show, I’ll be fine. There’s nothing for anyone to worry about here. You know I used to really admire you and your halo effect. No, actually I was jealous of you. I wanted to be the one that was always a part of everything, the one that had a lead in nearly every show. But what has it gotten you? There’s no husband, no children, nothing except the next part in the next show! I remember that time when you cried to me. Your Grandmother had died and you still went ahead and did the school show. Not only did you do it but you performed wonderfully, the best performance ever. I remember you worrying what the school was turning you into...”
Coco looks at the other Doris with a stern expression, upset by the memory but trying not to show it.
Doris continues: “You know, I thought she’ll learn from this. It was a mistake to put a show before friends and family but we all have to make our mistakes, so that we can learn for the next time. This is the next time Coco!"
Doris sighs: "I guess I was just plain wrong. Here we are all these years later and you haven’t learnt a thing. You have a friend who needs help or she might just......”
The other Doris’ voice trails off almost on the verge of tears, but also not wanting to admit exactly what she was thinking of doing before Coco entered the room.
After a deep breath the other Doris regains her composure and continues: “Well let’s just say, you have a friend that is in a mess and all you can think about is some dumb show!”
Coco becomes a little angry: “It’s not that I don’t care it’s just that I am a professional. I don’t have any halo effect. I never did! Goodness knows, you don’t know the half of what has happened to me over the years. However, as I say I’m a professional, I work hard and I refuse to let my personal life spoil that hard work and dedication.”
The other Doris also is angry and begins to shout: “Professional? Or just plain heartless? You didn’t care about your Grandmother and you don’t care about me now! THE SHOW MUST ALWAYS GO ON! with you and..... ”
SLAP! Before she can continue Coco lurches forward and slaps the other Doris hard around the face.
For a moment there is silence as both women glare angrily at each other.
Coco is the first to calm down and speak: “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that but you’re wrong about me. I have just as much insecurity and self doubt as anyone else, I just choose to handle it in a different way. Maybe my way isn't the right way but it is the right way for me. I'm not lecturing you on pulling yourself together or anything like that so I’d appreciate if you didn't lecture me. Yes, I have a show to do and I don't want to let Julie down or the audience down or the people who make a living from working behind the scenes. I've made sure that there is someone there for you first. I haven’t just left you to suffer. Had no one else been available then I would have stayed myself, but let’s face it Doris, you were always closer to Bruno and Danny so it makes more sense for you to speak to them, leaving me to continue with my commitments. Regarding my grandmother, she was already dead, so what would not doing that show achieve? All I would have done was let a lot of other people, including yourself, down. I was already feeling bad enough and I didn't need any more stress and pressure at that point. Anyway Danny is probably here by now so shall we go and meet him. That’s if you've quite finished lashing out at me?”
The other Doris sighs and her voice becomes much calmer: “No Coco, it’s me who should be sorry. I shouldn't have said any of that stuff. You are right I am just lashing out and of course you wouldn't have just abandoned me. Whatever happened with your grandmother was your business and nothing to do with me. I'm sorry!”
The other Doris puts her arms around Coco and gives her a brief hug. Then she washes her face with warm water and takes a deep breath.
The other Doris: “Okay I'm ready.”
Coco and Doris leave the ladies room and meet Danny in the bar area.
Doris had sat in the toilet stall listening to the whole fight between Coco and the other Doris. When it is clear that both have left the room, she stands up, leaves the cubicle and stares at her reflection in the mirror. The previous events of seeing herself try to take an overdose and then hearing the fight with Coco have left her feeling emotionally drained. She isn't sure how much more she can take, but realises that she has to be strong. Her other self might need her. Maybe it was an overdose that sent her back to the past or maybe something else even more terrifying is the cause. She can now remember the events leading up to William going missing but what happened afterwards is still a blur. She too washes her face to refresh herself and then walks back into the bar area. She sees Danny and her other self standing by the doorway and hears Danny say that the cab should be here in 10 minutes. Then Doris’s attention moves to a smaller bar area off the main room and she can hear someone singing. As she moves closer she can see it’s Jesse and it looks like there is some kind of karaoke going on. She watches Jesse put on a very competent and energetic performance.
"She's into superstitions
Black cats and voodoo dolls
Well, I feel a premonition
That girl's gonna make me fall
She's into new sensations
New kicks in the candlelight
She's got new addictions
For every day and night
She'll make you take your clothes off
And go dancing in the rain
She'll make you live her crazy life
But she'll take away your pain
Like a bullet to your brain
Upside inside out
She's livin' la vida loca
She'll push and pull you down
Livin' la vida loca
Her lips are devil red
And her skin's the color mocha
She will wear you out
Livin' la vida loca
Livin' la vida loca
She's livin' la vida loca
Woke up in New York City
In a funky cheap hotel
She took my heart and she took my money
She must've slipped me a sleepin' pill
She never drinks the water
Makes you order French champagne
Once you've had a taste of her
You'll never be the same
Yeah, she'll make you go insane!
Upside inside out
She's livin' la vida loca
She'll push and pull you down
Livin' la vida loca
Her lips are devil red
And her skin's the color mocha
She will wear you out
Livin' la vida loca
Livin' la vida loca
She's livin' la vida loca
She'll make you take your clothes off
And go dancing in the rain
She'll make you live her crazy life
But she'll take away your pain
Like a bullet to your brain
Upside inside out
She's livin' la vida loca
She'll push and pull you down
Livin' la vida loca
Her lips are devil red
And her skin's the color mocha
She will wear you out
Livin' la vida loca
Upside inside out
She's livin' la vida loca
She'll push and pull you down
Livin' la vida loca
Her lips are devil red
And her skin's the color mocha
She will wear you out
Livin' la vida loca
Livin' la vida loca
She's livin' la vida loca"
After the performance Jesse goes to the bar and gets a drink. He then heads over to Doris and hands her a drink.
Jesse: “Here, you look like you could use this.”
Doris: “Thanks, that was a great performance.”
Jesse: “You should try it. It feels good to be up in front of a crowd again, even if it is karaoke.”
Doris shrugs: “I don’t know, it’s been awhile since I sung in front of an audience.”
Doris takes the drink and consumes it all in one go.
Jesse: “Gee you certainly did need that.”
He motions to the waiter to bring them another round of drinks.
Jesse: “Can you explain to me what’s going on? How come there are two of you and why doesn’t the other one remember some of the things that happened between us.”
Doris sighs: “You remember when you were in high School and I came to you with a message from Nicole?”
Jesse laughs: “Remember? How could I forget something like that!”
Doris: “Well, I’d somehow come back in time and where we are now is a time just before I came back. I don’t know what happened but something triggered it and whatever it was is about to happen to that other Doris.”
Jesse looks over to where the other Doris is standing with Danny: “Gee this is all pretty complicated.”
Doris: “Jesse I need your help. That Doris is a mess. In the bathroom she was about to take a whole load of pills if she hadn't been interrupted. I'm scared she may try again and that may be what causes me to be in the past. I know it has something to do with me being in hospital. If you could keep an eye on her and stop her doing anything stupid?”
Jesse feels troubled by the request: “I'm not sure Doris,..... what if getting involved is the wrong thing to do? What if you need to travel back to the past to learn a lesson so you can continue living in the future. What if interfering means you are permanently stuck in the past?”
Doris sighs as Jesse makes some valid points: “I don’t know! But I do know that it doesn't seem right to let myself try to commit suicide. What if I succeed, then there’s no future for me anyway. I don’t want to die Jesse. Maybe I did then but I don’t now.”
Doris takes a deep breath and continues:"Maybe that is what I needed to learn? That I do what to live!"
She searches in her bag and finds a pen and a piece of paper and writes down her address, which she then hands to Jesse, who reluctantly takes it.
Jesse: “I just wish I knew it was the right thing to do.”
At that moment they are interrupted by a phone ringing across the room and the other Doris starting to panic.
The other Doris: “Danny, it’s the army, it must be about William. Oh my goodness, I can’t speak to them. Please you’ll have to do it.”
She pushes the phone into Danny’s hand.
Danny: “Hello? Yes this is her phone, she’s asked me to speak to you.”
Doris watches Danny and her other self, wondering what the conversation is about. She wishes she could hear it.”
At that moment a taxi pulls up and Danny, who is still on the phone, leads the other Doris into the taxi, which then drives off.
Doris is frustrated: “No! I need to know what that conversation was about. I need to know if my son is alive or dead. Jesse you are the only one who can help me. Please!”
Doris takes a sip of the drink that the waiter has just brought to them.
Jesse: “Look Doris, I want to help I really do, it’s just that....”
Jesse pauses wondering whether to say anything more.”
Doris becomes impatient: “It’s just what?”
Jesse: “Well, maybe at the end of the day interfering is the worst thing we could do.”
Doris shakes her head: “I don’t see any situation that could be made any worse than it all ready is.”
Jesse sighs: “Oh really? What if I said you should never have told me about Nicole? What if I said you should never have helped her say goodbye to me?”
Doris is puzzled and takes another sip of the drink: “I don’t understand. For me that was literally a few hours ago and you were so happy to have that chance to say goodbye.”
Jesse nods: “Yeah, I guess I was at that time. It was an incredible experience and it made me happy for months. If I'm honest I was happy for a couple of years afterwards. Although it destroyed my relationship with Dusty and pretty much every other woman I met after that.”
Doris is even more confused: “How could saying goodbye do that?”
Jesse: “I guess I never really believed it was goodbye. I kept thinking Nicole would find some other way to come back to me, even if it was only for a few moments. When she didn't I guess I questioned whether she did really love me. Surely, she wouldn't have left me hurting like that if she did? I guess I became obsessed with her. At first seeing other people felt dishonest to her and as though I’d let her down, so I stayed on my own. My career was going well so who needed love right? I soon discovered that we all need someone to love and to be loved by. So when I finally felt that I could date again I did. However, no one could ever live up to Nicole. They couldn't live up to what she looked like or her talent or her personality. I just couldn't win. If I stayed on my own I was lonely, very lonely, for years. Do you know what that’s like?”
Doris wipes a tear from her eye and nods: “Yes.”
Jesse continues: “If I tried relationships and could get beyond the guilt they didn't last very long because my expectations were too high and no one compared to Nicole. So whatever I did I ended up alone. The money, the success, the Fame meant nothing if I hadn't got anyone to share it with. Correction, if I didn't have Nicole to share it with. Twenty odd years later and I'm still obsessed by her. If I'm being totally honest that last meeting with Nicole ruined my life”
Doris places her hand on Jesse’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. She feels guilty for inflicting this pain on Jesse but thought she’d been doing the right thing.
Doris: “I'm sorry, I really am. I had no idea. I was just trying to help Nicole and you.”
Jesse smiles: “It’s okay, it’s not your fault and I don’t blame you. It’s just that ever since it’s always made me wonder if getting involved in other people’s lives is worth it. Maybe they need to make their own mistakes. At least they then have no one to blame but themselves. I'm sorry, I'm going to get another drink.”
Doris watches him go to the bar and lets out a deep sigh. She knocks back the rest of her drink and feels a little tipsy. She feels totally overwhelmed by the emotional events. She hates that she can’t remember what happened to trigger going back to the past. She hates that she can’t remember what happened to her son. She hates that she can’t help her other self and she hates that her actions have ruined the life of a friend. She wishes she knew what to do to make herself feel better. When she was younger she’d always throw her emotions into a song to help her deal with them. With that she has an idea and walks over to where the karaoke is set up. Looking down the list of song titles she chooses one that seems appropriate and then takes her place on the small stage. As the music starts to play Doris takes a deep breath and starts to sing.
"Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But just there's something so strong
Somewhere inside me.
And I am down, but I'll get up again.
Don't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me.
You haven't seen the last of me.
They can
Say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me.
You don't know me, you don't know who I am.
Don't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me.
There will be no fade-out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again.
Times are hard but
I was built tough.
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.
I've been brought down to my knees
I've been pushed way past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I AM FAR FROM OVER
You haven't seen the last of me.
No, no, I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh, no you won't see me fade out
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me.
Its not the end
You haven't sseen the last of me
Oh, no -
You haven't seen the last of me.
You haven't seen the last of me."
Doris puts her heart and soul into the song. The powerful lyrics feel like they are giving her strength. Also Jesse was right performing to other people, even just a few made her feel good. She thinks back to the argument her other self had with Coco. Maybe Coco feels the same, maybe performing helps her express her own emotions and helps her deal with them. Maybe that’s why Coco always chooses a performance over other events. Doris decides to sing another song so goes to look at the song selections. She notices Jesse is at the bar talking to a woman. The woman leans over and kisses Jesse on the cheek. After what Jesse has said Doris is intrigued who the woman is but all she can see is the woman’s back.
Doris continues to watch as Jesse puts his arm around the woman and leads her towards the exit. As the woman turns round Doris shudders as her whole body feels cold. She recognises the woman and feels like she’s seen a ghost.
As Jesse and the woman leave a shocked Doris whispers to herself: “Nicole?”
To Be Continued.....