How to Discuss Report Cards

Who’s more stressed when report cards come out… you or your teenager?

You’re feeling the pressure to raise a motivated, reliable, resilient, and successful young adult of your teen…

And they’re feeling pressure to please you, meet all of your expectations, succeed in school, go to college, make a living, and not end up living on the streets.

That’s a lot riding on one little report card!

The best way to deal with this is to understand your patterns and beliefs surrounding report cards and then shifting your focus from purely the outcome to the process and the journey.

You can start by reflecting on these questions:

· How are report cards viewed in your family?

· How does the conversation typically go with your teenager after you have read the report card?

· Is it a relaxed or stressful conversation?

· Are you triggered by something you see on the report card?

· Is there something that you know you would rather see?

· Do you focus on your teenager’s grades? If so, why?

· Do you fear your teen not doing well? What do you think is behind this fear?

· Are your teenager’s results driven by your agenda or their own?

· Do you reward your teenager for good grades?

· What do you resist?

· What is it that you find hard to let go of?

Next, take a look at the two perspectives below.

One is all about PRAISE and the other is ENCOURAGEMENT.

There’s a HUGE difference. Like, HUMONGOUS!

They are both at the extreme-ish end of the spectrum, this is so you can see the difference more clearly.

THE MOST COMMONLY USED RESPONSES: PRAISE

· Wow, you have done so well! Good job!

· You got all A’s! You did just what Dad and I wanted. We are so proud of you.

· You are so clever and smart. I bet you did better than the other kids in the class?

· Were you top of the class again? I am sure you were!

· This is such a good report card that Dad and I thought we would give you an extra $50 pocket money this week.

THE LESS COMMONLY USED RESPONSES: ENCOURAGEMENT

· What do you think of your report?

· I see that you’ve improved your math from last term’s mark.

· You seem to have worked really hard this term! Dad and I noticed that you put more effort into your work, particularly in the organization side of things.

· You really persevered with some of the things you were struggling with!

· What did you have to draw for your art test? Where is the drawing? I’d love to see it!

· You must feel really proud of yourself!

· Mum and I trust you to continue trying to improve and doing your best.

· You know that we are always here for support, should you need any help.

· Do you have any goals for next term?

· You’re a highly capable kid. You could do anything you want to do!

DISCOURAGING STATEMENTS:

· If you do well in your end-of-year report, you can go to the bike camp that you really want to go to this summer.

· What happened to your English this term? You usually get a B and now you have a C-?

· You are playing way too many video games and it’s taking time away from your work. I keep telling you this and you don’t listen.

· If you don’t try harder, you will never get into a decent university.

· When I was your age I worked way harder than you do.

There is a mistaken understanding among parents today that children need praise.

As such, in today’s praise-biased world, it is vitally important that children receive encouragement.

The definition of encouragement (OED): To put courage in, to inspire, to give hope.

The definition of praise (OED): To speak highly of, to commend, to glorify.

When we encourage our teenagers, we give them the courage to handle whatever will come their way, to trust in themselves, to pick themselves up from failure, to be vulnerable, to take the next step, and to accept imperfection.

As such, encouragement develops self-esteem, courage, and confidence in teenagers.

Praise, on the other hand, is an external, one-off validation. It is fleeting, builds dependence on others, and does not build self-esteem.