How can parents support their child's social and emotional development?

We all want our children to be able to build and maintain positive relationships with others, express and manage their emotions and solve problems.  Here is a short list of ways you can do that as a parent:

• Have routines: Have your child go to bed the same time everyday (even on weekends).  Have your child do the same things before school in the morning

• Be a model: Show them how you solve problems and handle your emotions.  For example, if you have a problem, like you were going to eat cereal but your out of milk, say your options out loud and why you didn't pick them.  "I could go to the grocery store but I will be late for work.  I will just eat some toast now and go the store later."  You can also model emotions: "I got mad when that other car cut me off but I am just going to take a deep breath.  Maybe it was an accident and they didn't see me."  Kids are learning how to think and act by watching you, even when you don't think they are!

• Spend time with your child: It can be as little as 10 minutes a day of "special time" where your child is the one directing the time can be very positive for children.

• Give your child boundaries: Clear rules and expectations are important.  If children know what you expect, and it is something they can do, it lowers their anxiety and helps children get in positive habits.

Love your child unconditionally: Even when your child makes a mistake, they still need to know you love them.  If they do make a mistake you can separate the child from the mistake.  For example, you can say "I love you but I do not like your behavior."  You also do not need to raise your voice or even be angry to have your child change their behavior.  You can give your child a consequence, such as time out, without being angry.  In fact, it is better to use a neutral voice.  You can even empathize with your child.  "I know how much you like video games, it must be very disappointing not to play today."  This helps keep your child focused on their behavior rather than the child being angry with the parent.

Abuse Prevention

It is important to talk to your child early and often on how to keep themselves safe.  Sometimes parents don't know what to say.  This website offers some great tips.

Protect Yourself Rules: These are a series of videos I use to teach students about good touches and bad touches

Discipline

We all want our children to make good decisions.  It is our job as parents to guide and support our children so they can be respectful, safe and responsible adults that make good decisions.  How we handle when children make mistakes in their behavior is often based on what our parents did.  However, there is a lot of research that has been done over many years that can guide us on how to discipline children.  

What works:

1.  Be kind and firm.  You need to set limits on what children can do but you can do this with a kind and respectful tone of voice.  

2. Think of discipline as teaching.  If we think of behavior problems as skills students need to learn, we will think of discipline as a teaching problem.  For example, if a child was having trouble with his math homework, you probably would not spank him or send him to his room.  You would most likely teach him how to do the math problems.  The same is true of behavior.  If a child is not sharing or interrupting you, you should teach him how to share and when it is okay to interrupt.  

3.  Give feedback.  Like everyone, children need to hear when they are doing what is expected.  As a parent, we all tend to focus on when our child is misbehaving and ignore when they are behaving well.  When kids only hear when they are making mistakes, they tend to only make mistakes because children need attention and will get it any way they can.  We need to notice when kids are doing what is expected.  If say "thanks for brushing your teeth" when your daughter brushes her teeth without asking, she remembers that is what you want her to do and she is more likely to brush her teeth by herself in the future.  It also helps strengthen the parent and child relationship.  In fact, experts recommend we try to have four positive interactions for every one time we have to correct a child.  That is a lot!  This works for all relationships.  If you want to improve any relationship you have either with a significant other, family member or co-worker, the best thing you can do is try to have at least four positive interactions for every negative interaction.

4. Kids who feel good, do good. Remember to make your child feel loved, significant and important.  When kids feel good about themselves, they tend to make better choices.

5. Your kids are watching you. Kids really learn by watching how their parents act, even when you think they are not.  Remember to always act and speak how you want your child to act and speak.  You can even use this if you talk out loud about why you are choosing one behavior over another.  This helps children learn problem solving.  

What does NOT work:

1. Spanking. There is a lot of research that shows that spanking or hitting your child in anyway does not work.  It has been shown children who are spanked are more aggressive, behave poorly and actually get lower grades.  While spanking seems to work because the child will stop the behavior right away, the child does not learn what to do next time.  What they do learn is violence is acceptable and the people who love me will sometimes hurt me.  When kids are spanked they become aggressive and will focus on being angry at the adult who hurt them rather than what they did that was a problem.

2. Punishment. Punishment, or consequences, means taking something away or making children uncomfortable as a result of their behavior.  While punishment does have some problems similar to spanking, there are times it can be a useful tool.  Before you punish a child, I would do this first:

   • Make sure the child can do what you ask. For example, asking a five year old to be quiet for two hours would not acceptable.  Keep in mind your child's ability.  If your child has ADHD, try to find activities and situations where he can be successful.

   • Teach your child the expectations.  It is a good idea to assume your child does not know a rule.  You need to teach them and practice it.

   • Create the consequence together.  If you child still is not doing what is expected after you taught them, practiced and reminded them, then you should talk with your child about why they are not doing it.  After that, you can work with them on what the consequence should be next time they break the rule.  This creates some buy in from the child.  Try to have natural consequences as much as possible.  For example, if you child always forgets their coat on the way to school, the natural consequence is they will be cold.  You do not need to punish them.  You just need to help them see how their discomfort could be avoided in the future in a supportive way.  

   • Make sure consequences are proportional.  For example, two weeks of grounding for not brushing your teeth is too long. 

   • Consequences need to follow the behavior, especially for younger children.  If your child hits, the time out needs to be within two minutes of the hitting or it will not work.  

   • Consequences should be given with either no emotion or even empathy.  You do not need to yell or be angry.  In fact, if you yell children focus on you rather the consequence or the rule they broke.   You can empathize with your child.  For example, "I can see you're disappointed you don't get to play video games today because you hit your sister.  That's a bummer.  I'm sure tomorrow you will keep your hands to yourself and you will get to play."

There are a lot things to keep in mind if you use punishment which is why it is the last tool I would use and I would never use it on its own. 

Here is a good article about punishment