Gary Friend, DPM, MA, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Counseling Degree at Northwestern in 1999

In the audio clip on the left, listen to Gary speak about what makes YFC a great place to work, the change & continuity he's seen at YFC over his many years with us, and how he practices authenticity through striving to genuinely understand his clients.

Clinical Specialties or Interests

I'm most interested in treating couples, although I also see individual adults. With couples, there can be a great deal of action and emotion in the room, which gives us a lot to work with.

Success with clients

A couple presented to me with the complaint that they were not communicating. In fact, they were barely speaking to each other. After a few sessions, it became apparent that they had not been intimate for more than a decade. Since intimacy is such an important part of a relationship, such an important way that a couple binds themselves to each other, I kept this in the back of my mind with the hope that at some point, we could go there and start talking about it. After working with them for a few months, I did go there. I started by asking them if they wanted to reestablish intimacy. If they didn't, there would have been no point proceeding down this path. They did want to. This was a very encouraging sign because it meant that each had a desire to literally reconnect with the other. I started with encouraging simple touch. Each week, I gave them homework that increased physical contact, and each week they happily reported their progress. It took another month or so and although everything was not perfect, we could see that reestablishment of intimacy was positively affecting other aspects of their relationship including communication.

It's especially gratifying as a therapist when you can help a couple reestablish or establish an intimate relationship. It’s a more common presenting concern than one might imagine, affecting couples of all ages, genders, sexual orientations and cultures.

What do you love about being a part of the YFC team? How would you describe YFC in a few words?

I really love working with the other therapists. We collaborate all the time with each other. There's a genuine affection that we feel towards each other. The quality of the work here is extremely high. In addition, the administration is so supportive. They come up with little surprises and events that keep morale high. For example, a few months ago, we were all given YFC sweatshirts. That was so thoughtful! For these and other reasons, I intend to stay at YFC.

Why or how did you get interested and involved in counseling?

Counseling was not my main career. I was a full-time foot and ankle surgeon (podiatrist) until I retired at the end of 2019. Back in the 1990's, I wanted to do something more. So, I went to Northwestern and earned a master’s degree in counseling psychology, not really knowing what it might lead to. In 1995, I was given an internship at YFC. Experiences at YFC and Northwestern showed me how valuable and important the field of counseling is. I also learned much about myself through the experience.

I’m grateful that for more than 20 years, YFC allowed me to see clients part-time until I retired from podiatry. And now that I have retired from podiatry, I’ve increased my hours at YFC, but remain part-time.

Why have you remained passionate about it since? What motivates you to continue each day? What keeps pulling you into it?

The work is compelling. I can't leave it. If the world decided tomorrow that therapists wouldn't be paid anymore, I would still do it. And one wonderful thing about seeing clients part-time is that I don't think I'm at risk of burnout. YFC has always made me feel valued and has accommodated my schedule since the 90s. I look forward to coming in and seeing clients.

How do you like to work with clients? How do you connect with them?

Particularly with couples, I'm genuinely interested in what they present with and I freely express my own emotions in session. I try to be as genuine as possible. If I'm feeling frustrated, or if I'm not understanding something, I don’t hide it. I'll just say, "I don't understand." I think clients appreciate that genuine desire to understand them.

With couples, it could be easy for a therapist to favor one spouse over the other. But it's so important (and what I try so hard to do) to figure out what the other person is thinking and feeling so that I can identify with both.

Do you have a favorite wellness strategy that you use with clients?

I don't think I have a favorite. But I do something when people seem stuck and when they seem unable to move forward with therapy. I use the tool called "free association." It's actually something that Freud called a "window to the unconscious." Free association means I tell the client to just say whatever is in their head, even if it makes no sense or doesn't seem to relate to anything--just say it. And it's amazing because so much comes out of that. It's a way to get things moving when they're not. The client really has to trust the therapist to engage in free association. We earn that trust by developing a relationship with the client.

I do one more thing sometimes. Especially with couples, I turn the session into something like a play or reenactment. I take on a role in the relationship and I give the client/s a role too. For example, I'd say, "I'm going to play the role of the wife, you're going to play the husband, and you're going to play the therapist." This is a good way to hear what each spouse thinks the other is saying. It is also is an opportunity to model behavior, for example a better way to express themselves. What's also good about it is that it brings some humor into the session--it can be funny to see me playing the role of the wife!

In the context of counseling and your role, can you share any challenges that you've faced along the way and how you've managed them?

There are challenges to being a therapist. There are areas where we have knowledge gaps and places where we could know more. One of the great things about working here at YFC is that every therapist has a supervisor and can talk about cases with their supervisors. In addition, we have a consultation group each week, and we have an emerging therapist group. There are many opportunities to consult and discuss cases if you're having any kind of difficulty with them. That makes us all better therapists.

Where is your happy place?

When I play guitar, I'm in my happy place. When we were having in-person meetings before the pandemic, every few months some of the other therapists would accompany me in a jam session.

What's the last song you listened to?

The last song I played on guitar last night was "Old Man" by Neil Young.

What's your favorite must-see movie?

I actually have a must-read book recommendation instead of a movie. It's called Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari. It is nonfiction bestseller and a fascinating book. It is very well written--and illustrated. It has illustrations on nearly every page. It is an easy read. You'll love it and you'll learn a lot.